by S. H. Kolee
“What happened?” he asked, looking concerned.
Logan was the last person I should be confiding in. I wasn’t sure if sharing confidences was smart, because it would only bring us dangerously closer together. But he was the only person who understood the mess of my past and its repercussions because he had been a part of it all. It felt natural to share confidences with him.
“I decided I was sick of pretending. I was gentle, but I tried to get Mrs. Brooks to admit that Cassie was gone.”
“Good for you,” Logan said. “It’s about time she faced the truth.”
I shook my head. “It was a mistake. I pushed too far. She became hysterical to the point where I was afraid she was going to hurt herself. I was stupid enough to think I was the one who could get her to face the fact that Cassie is dead. Instead, I just made things worse. Mr. Brooks had to sedate her before she became too out of control.”
Logan gently put his hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly in sympathy. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
I looked up Logan, reveling in the feeling that he cared about me, even as just a friend. It was something I had desperately missed.
“It was my own fault,” I said with a sigh. “I thought I could somehow save her, make her see the truth. I realized that she’ll never be able to face the truth until she makes the decision to do so on her own. I didn’t go to their house for Cassie’s last birthday. I know it’s not my place to try to force Mrs. Brooks to face that Cassie is gone, but I also can’t pretend like she’s still here. I can’t do that to myself, and I can’t do that to Cassie anymore.” I dropped my head to stare at my hands. When I spoke again, my voice was much quieter. “I still miss her so much. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that she was so vibrant and alive. When will the pain go away?”
Logan’s hand lifted from my shoulder, and he raised it until it was just hovering over my cheek. I held my breath, unsure if he was about to caress my face, a gesture that used to be so natural between us, but instead he dropped his hand to his side, his hand clenched into a fist. I glanced quickly through the balcony door to see if Kristina was watching us, but she was looking in Emily’s direction as they talked.
“I don’t think you’ll ever stop missing her,” he said quietly. “And I don’t know if the pain will ever go away. But I think not participating in the charade of her being alive will help a lot. How can you properly grieve for someone if you have to pretend they’re still alive?”
I didn’t respond because I had no reply. We were silent for a while, but this time it was companionable instead of awkward. I felt oddly bereft of his company when he went to place the meat on top of the grill, even though he had only moved a few feet away from me. The distance burst the bubble we had been in, and I was once again reminded of how different things were between us now.
Logan didn’t really need any help, so I just stood there and watched him grill the food. Kristina and Emily came out to join us on the balcony after a while and the conversation turned casual. We ate outside since the weather was so nice, and I relaxed enough to enjoy everyone’s company, even Kristina’s. After eating enough hamburgers, hot dogs, and the potato salad Kristina had prepared to make us feel uncomfortably full, we spent the rest of the waning afternoon on the balcony. I drank enough beer to feel pleasantly buzzed, and it muted the sharp pain that pierced me whenever I saw Logan and Kristina acting affectionate towards each other.
I didn’t comment when Emily asked to use the bathroom and Kristina showed her to one right off the living room. Apparently, there was more than one bathroom in Logan’s apartment, and he had purposely taken me to the one that required going through the bedroom the night of his party. But it didn’t matter anymore, and I let it go.
By the time the fireworks began over Navy Pier which we were able to see from Logan’s balcony, I was starting to believe that this could actually work. I could be friends with Logan, and I could come to terms with him being with someone else. After all, what was the worst that could happen?
Chapter Nineteen
After spending the Fourth of July at Logan’s apartment, we came to a tenuous understanding about our relationship. We had a fragile friendship, and I knew that we would never be as close as we used to be, but that was probably for the best. We occasionally texted each other, but even those exchanges were somewhat forced, and I found myself weighing my words carefully before sending him anything.
It was about a week after his barbecue when he texted me to see if I wanted to go to the Half Pitcher the next night, which was a Friday. I hesitated before writing back, but I already knew what my answer would be.
That sounds good. I’ll see if Emily is free.
I only had to wait a few seconds for his reply.
I don’t know if Kristina is going to be able to make it since she’s been working pretty late hours at her new job. It can just be the two of us.
We were heading into dangerous territory, and as tempting as it was to have Logan’s sole attention, I knew it wasn’t a good idea.
I think it’s better if Emily comes along.
Logan didn’t respond back, and I tried to not read too much into his lack of a reply. Unfortunately, when I called Emily she told me she wouldn’t be able to go.
“Why not?” I asked plaintively, aware that I sounded like a whiney little kid not getting their way. “I really, really, really want you to come.”
“Madison,” she said patiently. “I can’t always be the buffer between you and Logan. You know what I think about you and him being just friends. I don’t think it’s possible. But if you’re going to have even a chance at making it work, you two need to be able to be alone without anything happening. Besides, even if I wanted to come, I can’t. Sylvia sprung a last minute work trip to New York on me, and we’re leaving tomorrow morning. I won’t be back until Tuesday night.”
I sighed, knowing that Emily was right, but I was still afraid of being alone with Logan. “Sorry, you must be sick and tired of the drama between me and Logan.”
Emily’s voice softened. “Don’t be sorry. I know how hard this is for you, and I want to be there for you. I just can’t tomorrow.”
“I know. And I appreciate how much you’ve been there for me already. I hope you’re able to squeeze in some fun while you’re in New York.”
“I doubt it,” she said, sounding disgruntled. “I’ll be lucky if I get to sleep at night.”
After I got off the phone with Emily, I debated what to text Logan. Even though I knew Logan and I had to face being alone at some point, our newly reformed friendship was still in its infancy, and I didn’t know if I was ready yet. But instead of texting him that I wasn’t able to make it on Friday, I found myself asking him what time I should meet him.
When I stepped inside the Half Pitcher the next night, the last thing I expected was to see him sitting at a table with Kristina next to him. I should have been relieved that we wouldn’t be alone, but instead I felt a swift pierce of disappointment. I tried to mask it with a smile as I approached the table.
“Hey, guys,” I said casually. I only glanced briefly at Logan as he got up and pulled out a chair for me before focusing my attention on Kristina. “I hope you weren’t waiting for me for too long.”
“We just got here a few minutes ago,” Kristina chirped happily. “I didn’t think I’d be able to make it because work has been crazy, but luckily, I was able to get out early today.”
“That’s great,” I said, trying to muster up some enthusiasm. “Unfortunately, Emily is out of town for work, so she won’t be coming tonight.”
Logan poured me a beer from the pitcher they had already ordered, and I gratefully took a large gulp of it. I was going to need some liquid courage to face a night alone with the loving couple.
“That’s too bad,” Kristina said. “I guess that just means more nachos for the rest of us!”
“Kristina has been excited to try the nachos ever since I told her how massive they
are,” Logan explained.
“What can I say?” Kristina said with an impish grin. “I’m a lover of all things cheese.”
“You and me both,” I said, trying not to be put off by how friendly she was. The fact that I disliked her for being so likable made me feel like a horrible person. “Just wait until you see the size of them. It’s probably enough to feed five people with some left over.”
Logan waved the waitress over to order the nachos and another pitcher of beer. I tensed when Kristina excused herself to go to the bathroom.
“I didn’t think she would be able to make it tonight,” Logan said, almost apologetically when she had disappeared into the crowd.
I shrugged nonchalantly. “It doesn’t matter. It’s probably better that she’s here.” I let my gaze drift, idly studying the noisy bar to break eye contact with him. The crowd was already turning raucous, and I knew from experience that it could get pretty crazy on a Friday night. “I haven’t been here in forever.”
Logan seemed to take my lead and let the conversation turn casual. “I thought you would be here every weekend with how much you love the nachos.”
I made a face at him. “You’re the one who was obsessed with them! The only reason I came here so often was because you dragged me.”
“It was only fair recompense for having to go to the aquarium so damn much.”
The smile that had been playing around the edges of my mouth disappeared. I hadn’t been to the aquarium since Logan had left because it was where the beginning of the end had started. “I haven’t really been to the aquarium much, either.”
Logan frowned. “Why not? You love that place.”
“I’ve just been too busy, I guess,” I lied. I grabbed onto the first topic I could think of to change the subject. “How’s work?”
“Good, nothing too interesting.”
I pushed Logan to give me more details because it was a safe topic of conversation. He humored me with his answers, although I could tell that the last thing he wanted to talk about was work. Kristina was taking forever in the bathroom, and I was actually relieved when I saw her making her way back to the table.
“The line was huge!” she said as she sat back down.
“It gets pretty crowded here on Friday nights,” I said. “Just wait a couple more hours. It’ll be even crazier.” Work had been a safe topic with Logan, so I latched onto the same subject with Kristina. “How was your first week at your new job?”
I kept her talking about her work, only half-listening because I was too busy thinking of the next question to ask her so there wouldn’t be a lull in the conversation.
My tactic worked to fill the silence, but keeping the conversation going was tiring. I was relieved to see the waitress coming over with our nachos and pitcher of beer.
“Oh my God, you weren’t kidding,” she exclaimed after the waitress had set our food and pitcher on the table. “This is huge!”
“I always regret it the next morning,” I said as we dove into the nachos. “But I can never resist them.”
As we ate, I noticed Logan pushing all the jalapenos in my direction. For some reason, knowing that he hadn’t forgotten how much I loved them made my chest tighten a little. I didn’t look at him as I continued to eat because I was dangerously close to crying, and I knew looking at him would send me over the edge. It was stupid to get so emotional over some damn jalapenos, but in that moment, they represented everything I had lost.
“Do you mind if I grab some jalapenos?” Kristina asked me, breaking through my misery. “They’re all congregated on your side. I don’t want you to think I’m a jalapeno thief.”
Her tone was joking and she seemed completely unaware of the connotations of her comment. I tried to smile at her as I grabbed a fork and pushed them over to her side. “Go ahead. I don’t even like jalapenos.” I jumped up from the table without looking at Logan. “Excuse me. I have to go to the restroom.”
I had almost made it to the bathroom when the tears started spilling down my face. Fate, for once, must have been on my side because miraculously there was no line to the bathroom. I pushed open the door and locked myself in the first empty stall and started to sob, trying to be quiet so that the other women in the bathroom wouldn’t hear me.
The constricted pain in my chest didn’t loosen as I let the tears flow. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t watch Logan be with some other woman. Cutting him out of my life couldn’t be more painful than witnessing him with someone else.
It took me a while to stop crying, and I took in deep breaths to calm myself. When I finally came out of the stall and looked in the mirror above the sink, it was obvious from my blotchy face and red eyes that I had been crying. I frowned at my reflection as I washed my hands.
“Are you okay?” a girl standing at the next sink asked me sympathetically.
“Yeah, thanks for asking,” I said with a wan smile. “It’s just been one of those weeks.”
She nodded in understanding. “I know how that goes.”
Despite her kindness, I was relieved when she left the bathroom without asking any more questions. I stayed in the bathroom a little longer until my eyes were no longer red and I looked presentable again.
The crowd and music hit me when I stepped out of the bathroom, and I debated making the excuse of not feeling well so I could make my escape. I was halfway to the table when a tall man with dark brown hair and an easy grin stopped me.
“Why are you looking so down?” he asked with a charming smile. “It’s the start of the weekend. You should be happy.”
Despite finding him attractive, the last thing I wanted was be hit on by some random stranger.
“I have to get back to my friends,” I said, ignoring his question.
“Let me at least buy you a drink to put a smile on your face. It’s my civic duty as a good Samaritan.”
His cheesy line should have put me off, but I felt a sudden surge of anger as I thought about Logan back at the table with Kristina. Maybe a little fun was what I needed to get my mind off him.
“I guess I can’t keep you from doing your civic duty,” I said, returning his smile. “A drink sounds good.”
His eyebrows rose as if he were surprised I actually agreed. He guided me to the bar and flagged down the bartender to order the beer I requested. He handed it to me with a flourish.
“There you go. Thanks for letting me do my good deed for the day.”
“No problem,” I said with a laugh, feeling myself relax a little. Maybe this was just what I needed to get my mind off Logan.
“My name’s Todd,” he said, leaning close to me so I could hear him over the noise of the crowd.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Madison.”
“So what are you doing here on a Friday night, Madison?”
“Nothing much,” I said as I took a sip of the beer. “I just came with a couple of friends.”
“You mean someone as gorgeous as you isn’t here with your boyfriend?”
I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes at his line. I wasn’t here for the quality of the company. I was here for the distraction.
“No boyfriend,” I said. “I’m not looking for anything serious.”
Todd’s eyes lit up at my statement. Apparently, he wasn’t looking for anything serious either. He leaned down to speak closer to my ear, his lips brushing against my hair. “I think we’re both looking for the same thing tonight.”
Before I could respond, Todd pulled back abruptly. Looking up at Logan’s angry face, I realized he had wrenched Todd away from me.
“What are you doing?” he asked. Even though the bar was loud and noisy, I could hear the undercurrent of rage in his voice.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I asked defiantly. “I’m talking to someone.”
“Hey, man, what’s your deal?” Todd shot Logan a dirty look. “This has nothing to do with you.”
Logan turned to him. The look on his face must have relayed the level of his ang
er, because Todd flinched before Logan even spoke. “You’re fucking around with something that’s mine. That has everything to do with me.”
Todd put his hands up in supplication as he shot me an accusing look. “Hey, she said she didn’t have a boyfriend.”
“I don’t!” I was enraged not only by Logan’s attitude, but by his words. Last time I checked, I wasn’t some thing that he owned. I pushed against Logan’s chest, trying to get some space between us. “What the hell is your problem? Your girlfriend is back at the table waiting for you.”
Logan ignored me and grabbed my wrist. My protests were drowned out by the noisy crowd as he dragged me towards the back of the bar. He led me into a dark hallway and flung open a door that said Employees Only and turned on the light. I found myself in a storage room that was filled with cleaning supplies. I ripped my wrist out of Logan’s grasp as he slammed the door shut. I went to grab the doorknob but he moved in front of me to block it.
“Are you crazy? We’re not supposed to be in here. Get out of my way!”
Logan was breathing heavily, and I should have been frightened by the look in his eyes, but I felt only rage at his heavy-handedness.
“What were you doing with that guy?” His steady voice belied the burning anger on his face. I felt a sudden chill of nervousness and crossed my arms against my chest to try to hide my reaction. I wasn’t going to let myself be bullied by him.
“That’s none of your business.” I took a deep breath, trying to get a handle on the situation. I had never seen Logan so irate, and even though I was pissed off by his behavior, it was better to neutralize his anger. “This conversation is pointless. Kristina is going to be wondering where we are. We should get back before she starts getting suspicious.”
“Answer me,” Logan said in a soft but steely voice, ignoring my attempt to diffuse the situation. “What were you doing with that asshole?”
My desire to be the voice of reason vanished with his continued aggressiveness. “How do you know he’s an asshole? And what if he is? I can talk to anyone I want. I can go home with him tonight and fuck his brains out if I want. It’s none of your business!”