Letting Go

by Ann O'Leary

  Jude shook her head, looking at Megan. “Couldn’t you just kill her?” she murmured, as she got up to open another bottle of wine.

  Laura spooned the creamy mushroom sauce over the tortellini, and took both plates of pasta to the table, to squeals of delight from her guests. Sue had been tossing the salad in the kitchen and now placed it in the center of the table.

  Everyone began serving themselves, then Sue asked, 113

  “How young is she?”

  “She’s only twenty-three,” Laura replied.

  “Shit!” exclaimed Megan.

  “So you can see why I’m being so cautious,” said Laura.

  “No, not necessarily, it depends what she’s like,”

  suggested Vicki.

  Laura smiled. “She’s utterly gorgeous. She’s very bright, and she paints pictures in her spare time. I have to admit that I’m constantly surprised at how much we have in common given the difference in our ages.” She paused and held her glass out to Jude for more wine. “She seems mature for her age.”

  “Christ, what’s wrong with her then?” asked Kaye. Laura ate some pasta, which was growing cold on her plate, then grinned at Kaye. I just think she’s too young to make a serious long-term commitment to anyone. And I’m not prepared to get involved with someone who I believe won’t be staying around.”

  “That makes sense,” said Sue, nodding in agreement.

  “I don’t know about that, sweetheart,” said Kaye. “When we got together six years ago, we didn’t know if it would last. Who ever knows that?”

  Megan had been watching Laura thoughtfully. She had been Laura’s friend for over ten years. “There’s something I think I’ve missed here, Laura. You’ve made your reservations quite clear, and they sound logical enough,” she said, “but I’m wondering how you actually feel about her.”

  Laura looked at her hands, rotating the ring on her finger. “Megan, if I’m not very careful, I’ll fall hopelessly in love with her. I’m just managing to keep some control of myself. But it’s terribly difficult. When I don’t see her, I miss her dreadfully, and when I’m with her, it’s a constant 114

  battle to keep myself together.” Laura paused and everyone was quiet, waiting for her to continue. She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. “After less than a week, after spending only three nights with her, she’s told me she’s in love with me. It’s all just running away from me. It’s all too fast and it’s all too much.” Laura picked up her glass and drank deeply. Megan asked gently, “How long did it take you to fall in love with Alex?”

  Laura glanced away, murmuring, “That was different.”

  Jude topped up Laura’s glass. “Don’t forget, darl, Kate’s been seriously attracted to you for a long time. It’s not a sudden thing for her. It’s obviously not a mere infatuation.”

  Sue asked, “So you’re the first woman she’s ever had sex with, did you say?”

  Kaye giggled. “So is she a fast learner?”

  Laura smiled, and her cheeks colored slightly. “Oh yes, very fast.” She got up from the table then, and began to clear the plates for dessert.

  Jude helped her carry them out to the kitchen. She gave Laura a hug. “I’ve said this before, Laura, but I reckon you’re already in love with her, and you should stop fighting it.”

  Laura returned to the table with the cake, while she and Kaye put out plates and coffee cups.

  Sue said, “Well, I think Laura’s being very sensible. This Kate sounds very nice and everything, but at only twentythree, she’s a bit young to be sure of what she wants. Laura could end up in a terrible mess.

  Jude intervened from the kitchen where she was grinding beans. “For Christ’s sake, Sue! Laura was only twenty-three when she fell in love with Alex, and I have no doubt that if Alex hadn’t died, she’d still be in love with her.”

  Vicki said, “Laura, it seems to me that you’ve been going 115

  to an awful lot of trouble to protect yourself from being hurt, but isn’t it hurting you now, holding back like this? Why not let go?”

  Kaye had just got up and changed the music. K.D. Lang’s “Constant Craving” began to fill the room. Kaye’s eyes were sparkling with amusement. “What’s this?” Laura asked her with irony, “you’re setting my life to music now?”

  Everyone laughed. Laura went to the sideboard to put out the brandy and liqueurs, and Jude brought in the coffee. Responding to Vicki’s comment, Laura said, “Years ago, I would have said the same thing you’re saying now. But I feel different since Alex died. I can’t help believing that I’d lose Kate too, or anyone else for that matter.” She looked around at the faces of her friends and added, “I know it sounds stupid, but one day, life seems perfect, then the next day, it’s suddenly all over. It just seems easier to avoid it all. I never expected to love anyone again the way I loved Alex.”

  She suddenly felt tears pricking at her eyes.

  “It’s not stupid at all, Laura.” said Megan warmly, “We all remember very well what you went through.”

  Jude said, “I think there’s a part of you that feels guilty about loving another woman besides Alex.” Laura spooned sugar into her coffee, and stirred it slowly.

  “She’d want you to find that kind of love again. She’d want you to be happy,” Megan said.

  Laura concentrated on her coffee cup as she fought to retain control of her emotions. She knew there was a lot of truth in her friends’ words. She’d wrapped her heart in the nurturing, precious memory of Alex and buried it when she buried her. For the past five years she’d kept this love alive as a separate part of herself that, so far, had remained undisturbed. To give herself up to Kate—give her heart to 116

  her—not only exposed her again to all the inherent risks, it also felt like the ultimate betrayal of Alex.

  Sue asked, “Does seeing Kelly really help you keep an emotional distance from Kate?”

  Laura sipped her cognac. “To some degree. But increasingly, I’m feeling guilty about seeing her, and I’m terrified of Kate knowing.”

  “Well, you know what to do about that,” said Jude vehemently. “Get rid of the bitch!” Everyone, including Laura, laughed at Jude’s furious expression, emphasized by her fist thumping the table.

  The conversation and laughter continued, and since it was Friday, they all settled in for a long night. It was around two o’clock when they finally left. When Laura climbed the stairs to bed, she thought of Kate, wondered if she was asleep, and couldn’t help wishing she was here with her.

  117

  118

  Chapter Eleven

  The next day Kate arrived at Laura’s apartment to spend the weekend together as planned. Because Kate shared her apartment with someone, they always preferred the privacy at Laura’s place. They spent a relaxing weekend together, reading, talking, cooking and making love.

  Over the next week, they spent most of their time together, with Kate staying at Laura’s apartment far more frequently than Laura had planned. Her distraction, her protection, Kelly, was still in Cairns.

  On Thursday night, after dinner, when they were seated comfortably in the living room, their conversation turned to vacation stories. Kate suddenly had an idea.

  “Laura, why don’t we go away for a weekend, maybe this coming weekend,” she suggested excitedly. 119

  Over the last five days, Laura had given some consideration to the encouraging comments of her friends, but she’d grown increasingly concerned about how cozy everything had become with Kate. Without Kelly around, it was very difficult to find a reason not to be with Kate. The one night she had insisted they be apart, she’d missed Kate and spent the night thinking about her anyway. Now, a weekend away together?

  Then she thought, why not. Laura replied with a smile,

  “Where would you like to go?”

  “We could go to my Mum’s beach house if she’s not using it. It’s a great house—I’ve love you to see it. It has open fires and it’s right on the beach—you can hear
the waves crashing at night…” Kate’s voice trailed off. Frowning, Laura got up from the sofa and walked across to the French doors, staring out into the darkness. Kate was looking at Laura. “Laura, what’s wrong?”

  With an effort, Laura turned to her, trying to appear calm. “Nothing’s wrong, I just don’t like beach holidays, that’s all,” she replied evasively.

  Kate smiled. “Everyone likes the beach. It’s beautiful there, walking along the sand with the sun sitting and everything. Besides, you live here, opposite a beach.”

  “Oh, that’s completely different. This is the edge of the bay. The water’s calm, and paths are built all around the edges. There’s nothing wild about it. You’re talking about the ocean. I’d really rather go up into the country somewhere, Kate.”

  She walked back to her seat beside Kate on the sofa. Laura put her arms around Kate and kissed her. “Let’s go up to Daylesford and stay in a guesthouse. It’ll be beautiful there now that autumn’s beginning.”

  120

  Kate agreed it sounded wonderful, so they made their plans for the weekend.

  Early on Saturday morning, they set off for the small country town, about an hour and a half north-west of Melbourne. It was set in beautiful rolling hills, and famous for its mineral springs. With a large population of gays and lesbians, there were plenty of gay guesthouses and hotels. They selected one of these, and spent the day walking in the nearby forest and enjoying a traditional afternoon tea in town. Later that night, after dinner, when they were in their room, replete with big brass bed, warm crackling fire and glasses of red wine, Kate asked Laura about her peculiar reaction to the idea of them staying at the beach.

  “It’s just that you acted so strangely, and looked upset about it,” said Kate.

  Laura hesitated, and poured them both some more wine.

  “Well, it’s stupid really. I should’ve found a way to deal with it by now.” Kate was silent as Laura tossed some more wood on the fire and they watched the rising shower of red sparks disappear up the chimney. Laura was kneeling on the floor in front of the fire, and Kate was sitting on the edge of the bed. Laura continued, “I used to love the ocean. The roughness and the wildness of it. But it lost its attraction for me; I don’t see the beauty in it a anymore.” Laura paused thoughtfully, and sipped her wine. “Sometimes, when it’s stormy at home, and the water gets rough, I can’t stand looking at it.” Laura took a deep breath. “I lost Alex to the sea. She drowned.”

  Kate instantly went to her and put her arms around her. “Oh darling, I’m sorry,” she said. “I would never have 121

  suggested it if I’d known.”

  Laura looked into Kate’s warm, compassionate eyes, and smiled at her. “I know that, but you couldn’t have known. I should have told you before.”

  “I don’t want you to get upset. You don’t have to tell me about it if you’d rather not.”

  “I want to tell you.” Laura gently stroked Kate’s cheek, thinking again how sweet she was.

  “About two years before Alex died, we’d finally saved up enough money to buy a small beach cottage...we put down a deposit, anyway. We were paying off a house in Melbourne too, so it was really stretching us financially. It was only a little shack, really. The paint was all peeling, and we put in a lot of work fixing it up. But the best thing was that it was right on the beach.It was built into the side of a cliff, and there were steps cut into the rock leading down to the beach. It was very private there. There weren’t many other houses close by, and the beach was very rocky, and the water was rough around the cliffs. It was the back beach, some distance from the calmer sandy beach where the families and holiday-makers went. Some brave surfers used to come there. Anyway, the expense was worth it; we spent nearly every weekend there, often with friends staying with us. I really enjoyed the beach, but Alex just loved it. She was a really good swimmer; it was hard to get her out of the water. She’d swim in all conditions, when it was far too cold for me. She liked surfing too, which used to scare me sometimes.”

  Laura paused and drained her glass. Kate refilled it for her, and kissed her cheek. “We’d taken a week’s vacation—

  it was late summer. We were there celebrating our tenth anniversary. We’d been there for four days, and the weather 122

  had been perfect. Our anniversary was on the Saturday, and in the morning, after an early swim, we bought a fresh crayfish, straight off a fishing boat down at the docks.” Laura paused for a moment as her mind filled with the memories. She smiled. “We had a romantic dinner with champagne and talked about all the crazy things we’d done together over the years. We adored each other; things only seemed to get better.”

  Laura got up then, and taking the fire poker, she turned the blackened logs, causing the flames to leap to life, burning brightly. It was very quiet in their room, apart from the crackling of the fire, and the ticking of an old clock on the mantel.

  “It had suddenly grown cold that evening, and we’d lit a fire. After dinner, we made love on the floor in front of the hearth. I remember hearing the wind howling outside as a storm blew up.” Laura laughed softly. “I remember Alex teasing me, because I insisted on getting a blanket from our bed to put over the rug. I thought the rug might be dirty from the fireplace. The next morning, Alex wanted to get up early, to go for a swim before breakfast, but I wouldn’t let her. I wanted to make love to her again and dragged her back into bed. Of course, I could see later that I should have let her go.”

  She went over to the window and looked out at the huge full moon and the carpet of stars in the clear country sky. Gazing out of the window, her back to Kate, she continued,

  “Later, after breakfast, we went down to the beach together. We walked along the sand for a while, looking in the rock pools. The tide had gone out. Alex decided she wanted to go for a swim. She tried to talk me into going with her, but it was too cold, so I sat down on the wet sand and watched 123

  her wade out into the water. She had to go a long way out before it was deep enough to swim. When the water was around her waist, she turned and waved at me. She seemed so far away. Then she turned away and dived under.”

  Laura was finding it increasingly difficult to retain her composure, and she paused, running her hand agitatedly across her brow.

  “She just disappeared. I waited to see her come up again, but she didn’t. I just couldn’t believe it. She just disappeared. I never saw her alive again.” The tears overwhelmed her now, and were coursing down her face. She sank down into a chair beside the window.

  Kate rushed to her and held her close. “I’m so sorry, Laura,” Kate said softly, her voice thick with emotion. “I wish she hadn’t died.”

  Laura saw Kate’s face was also wet with tears. Laura held her tightly, and rested her head against her breasts. With difficulty, Laura went on. “I waited for a few minutes for her to resurface. The water was very rough out there, and it was infamous for the dangerous current that pulled the water around the cliff. I started yelling out to her. I ran out into the water until I was chest deep, but I couldn’t see her. The waves were starting to get bigger as the tide began to come in. It turned out that I was there for about half an hour, getting knocked over by the waves and screaming. Some people in a boat some distance away saw me, and they came closer to find out what was wrong. It was risky bringing a boat that far in. Anyway, they dragged me onto the boat, and we headed around to the other side of the cliff. The guy said she must have been caught in the rip, so we should go with the current to find her. He was right. We found her washed up on the rocks a couple of kilometers away. We 124

  couldn’t get anywhere near her because of the rocks, so he got on the radio to the coast guard. I was hysterical. I could see her lying there with the waves washing over her, and I couldn’t get near her. I was out of my mind, and I tried to jump out of the boat and swim to her—as if I could. It took both the guy and the woman with him, to hold me back and calm me. I was just praying that she was alive.”


  Laura released herself from Kate’s arms and walked over to the fire. She suddenly felt cold. Kate handed her a tissue and she dried her tears.

  “The people on the boat took me back to the beach, and I ran all the way around the cliffs, through the scrub, to get to the place where she was lying. She was a long way down, and it was impossible for me to climb down anyway. The rescue people went down on ropes, and they brought her up in a harness. She wasn’t injured…she’d drowned before she was washed up on the rocks. I can’t remember everything that happened after that. But I can remember begging her to wake up. She was ice cold. I was holding her tightly, and I remember the incredible weight of her. I was kissing her, my mouth covered in sand, she was salty. I began to shake her, pleading with her not to die, not to leave me.”

  Laura put her face in her hands, as she was suddenly swamped with grief. She took a deep breath and gazed into the leaping flames. “They had to drag me off her and restrain me, so they could put her into the ambulance. They treated me for shock and gave me something which knocked me out for a few hours. I stayed in hospital overnight. For a long time, I wished I’d died with her.”

  Laura turned then and looked at Kate, who was sobbing. Kate came to her, and held her tightly.

  “Oh Laura, I’m so sorry. I can’t bear to think what you 125

  went through.” She kissed Laura’s face, her eyes, and her lips. Kate broke down in a flood of tears.

  Laura kissed her. “Look how upset I’ve made you,” she said. “I’m sorry, baby. Don’t cry anymore, it’s over now.”

  She wondered, as she kissed Kate’s wet face, soothing her, whether it would ever really be over for her.