“Okay. But first . . .” She pulled off her dress. “Feel this. I’ve got a bump.” She grabbed my hand and rested it against her stomach before giving me a smile that lit up her face like a beacon.
There was a definite bump between her hipbones. I brushed my fingers over her belly and gave her a smile. “Dang, you’re beautiful when ya smile like that.”
Without giving her a chance to argue, I fell to my knees and pressed a delicate kiss against her defined li’l bump.
“Howdy, babies,” I whispered before lookin’ up at Phoebe.
Her seafoam eyes sparkled with amusement as she stared down at me.
“I gotta tell you two that you have the most wonderful mama. She’s brave and knows exactly what she wants, and I am so proud of her.”
Her fingers traced through my hair. “And your daddy is the best man in the world. He’s strong and true, and I don’t know anyone who would be a better role model for the two of you.”
I kissed my way up her body before drawing her lips to mine. “Maybe we should stay in instead.”
She gave her agreement in the form of her hands tearing at the hem of my shirt moments before she let me carry her to bed. I was careful not to let her put any weight on the arm with her fistula and took care not to hurt her or the babies as we connected.
After we’d finished, she curled up against my chest.
“I got somethin’ to tell ya,” I said as I leaned my cheek against her hair, “and I dunno how you’re gonna take it.”
“Why don’t you just spit it out?”
“I ain’t gonna be on the track next year.”
She drew away from me. “What?”
“After the end of the season, I’m steppin’ down from the team.”
“You’re giving it up? Why?”
It wasn’t hard to guess what her reaction would be if I let slip that I’d given up the position to take care of her. “Because we’re gonna have two beautiful babies next year, and I wanna spend some time with them.”
“That’s the only reason?” It was clear in her skeptical gaze and raised brow that she saw straight through my explanation.
I gave her a smile to suggest I knew she knew I was downplayin’ it, but said, “Yep, the only one.”
“If you say so.”
“IT HAPPENED again.” Angel’s words were like ice water thrown down my spine.
I was in Newcastle for the last race of the season and had missed a call from home while I was on the track. As soon as I’d seen it, I’d assumed the worse—the bad days had been comin’ more regularly lately.
Almost two months after the hospital visit where she’d discovered her pregnancy, Phoebe was able to start home dialysis. It wasn’t easy, but it meant there was less time away. Phoebe spent six nights a week on dialysis while she slept—or while she tried to at least. The noise of the machine got a li’l loud in the dead of night, but it was easy enough to ignore the sound when the source was keepin’ Phoebe alive.
Angel’s words were what greeted me when I called back.
“She collapsed?” I wanted to confirm the details rather than jumping to conclusions.
“Yeah.”
“How is she?” I asked.
“She’s okay. She’s back in the hospital though.”
“And the babies?” It was hard to voice my worries. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer that they’d be okay. Phoebe wouldn’t survive losin’ them. The months since she’d learned about her pregnancy made me more sure of that than ever.
“They think they’re okay, but she’s getting a scan to make sure. They’re keeping her in overnight. I’ll keep you in the loop.”
I closed my eyes and sighed before thanking Angel for letting me know.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
Declan was at my side in an instant. I was certain he knew the call had been about Phoebe by the way he rushed over. “What is it? What happened?”
“She fainted again.”
“That’s the fourth time this month, isn’t it?” he asked.
Flexing my jaw to bite back the irritation I felt at the situation, I nodded. It was the fourth time her daddy knew about. There were three other faintin’ spells she’d begged me not to mention ’cause they hadn’t got so bad that she’d needed to go to the hospital.
“Is she getting worse?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. We’ve just got to wait and see.”
“Are you going to be all right to race?”
“Yeah.” I said the word even though all I wanted to do was rush straight back to Phoebe’s side, but couldn’t. She’d be mad that I let her daddy and the team down, and she’d accuse me of bein’ foolish rushin’ home.
The following day was a blur of cars and performin’ the duties I needed to do. As soon as it was all over, I rushed to the airport to head back home to Queensland. By the time my flight landed, I just wanted to be at Phoebe’s side.
I didn’t even go home after leaving the airport, headin’ straight for the hospital instead. Rushin’ straight to Phoebe’s room, I found her and Angel squeezed into the bed side by side.
“Hey, you,” Phoebe said, givin’ me a smile that stole my breath. “Congratulations.”
I ignored her statement. There was nothin’ to celebrate in winnin’ a race when she was in the hospital. “How are ya feelin’, darlin’?”
“Great.” She held her arms out for me to embrace her.
I stood beside her and kissed her cheek. “And how were you feelin’ last night?”
“Perfect.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and drew my lips to hers. My eyes sank closed as I kissed her properly.
As I pulled away, my gaze cut to Angel who cast me a meaningful glare which told me Phoebe was lyin’. She’d obviously had a bad time, but didn’t wanna worry me.
“How was it really?” I asked.
She nudged Angel’s ribs and gave a chuckle. “I’m not sure I like this whole silent communication thing you two have going on.”
“We’re just looking out for you,” Angel said.
“I’m all right,” Phoebe reassured her. “Really, I am,” she added in my direction when I made a dissentin’ sound.
“I’d rather ya didn’t push yourself. I don’t want nothin’ to happen to ya, especially when I’m not around.”
“Well, you’re home now, aren’t you? For good, I mean.”
“Yeah. I ain’t leavin’ your side ag’in.”
When Angel left to get herself a coffee, Phoebe bit her lip and looked at me. “There’s something I haven’t told Angel. Something the doctors said.”
“What’s that, darlin’?”
“We’re having two little girls.”
“What?”
“The scan yesterday. The sonographer said he could see the sex if I wanted to know. I hadn’t intended to say yes and find out without you, but . . . well, after last time, it was too tempting. Are you mad?”
“Course not. So two li’l girls, huh?”
“Yeah. It’s great, isn’t it?” She stared at her hands and tears flooded her eyes.
“What is it?”
Her brow screwed up, and she pressed her lips together.
“Darlin’?”
She dropped her head and sighed. “It’s getting worse. Even with the regular dialysis, my GFR has started to drop again, and my blood pressure is spiking. My kidneys are worse than ever. I-I’m scared, Beau. That’s why I had to find out what we were having. Because . . .” She took a stuttered breath. “B-because . . . M-maybe, I won’t-I won’t—” She disintegrated into tears.
My heart refused to let me finish her thought for her. She couldn’t be tellin’ me she wasn’t going to make it. It was impossible. She was gonna have the babies, and then she was gonna get better. It was the only way it could be.
She drew a stuttered breath and waved her hand at me. “Don’t worry. Forget I said anything.”
“I always worry ’bout ya. Every second I’m not by your side,
I worry, and every time ya end up in the hospital, I worry.”
“I don’t mean to be a worry for you.”
I brushed my hand over her hair. Her skin was cold to the touch, which only worried me more. “I don’t mean it like that, darlin’.”
“I know. It just scares me.”
After brushin’ her hair off her face, I cupped her cheek. “What scares ya?”
“Dying.”
“I thought ya were gonna fight like hell?”
“I am. That hasn’t changed. I guess the reality of it all is just setting in again.”
“It’s only settin’ in now? After you’ve been doin’ dialysis ’most every night for so long.”
“Yeah. Because while that was working, I was able to believe it was a fight I could win.”
I took her hand in mine and rested my head beside her on the bed. “We’ll get through this, darlin’. The same way we’ve got through everythin’ else.”
“Together,” she said.
“Exactly.”
“I was thinking . . .” She trailed off.
“What?”
“Well, I was watching a movie with Angel the other day, and in it this guy, well, he knew he was going to die, so he set up all these notes for his wife. So that she’d remember him after he was gone, you know? And it made me think, that, well, that maybe I should do something like that for these little ones and for you.” She rubbed her hand over her stomach. “You know, just in case . . .”
I frowned. “What?”
“That maybe I should, like, make some videos for our little girls. Just in case I—well, in case I—”
My jaw flexed as she talked about her death. “You shouldn’t be talkin’ like that.”
Her brow dipped, and she reached for me. “It’s not that I want to give up. I just don’t want them to grow up not knowing me.”
“That ain’t gonna happen, ’cause you’re gonna be right there with us.” I couldn’t accept any other alternative.
“Of course I am,” she said, givin’ my hand a reassurin’ squeeze. “There’s nothing more important than these two.”
CHAPTER FIVE: NAMIN’ NAMES
OVER THE CHRISTMAS and New Year period, Phoebe spent as much time in the hospital as she did at home. At first, it was little things that were compoundin’ to significant issues. Droppin’ GFR, increased blood pressure, and swellin’ in her limbs.
Then, it got worse.
Blood in her urine. Fluid in the lungs. An erratic heartbeat. She’d go days without eatin’ much at all. Her determination to fight like hell died a li’l more each day. Her jokes became more morbid, and her acceptance of the worst seemed to grow all the time. I tried to fight against it, to maintain her spirits, but I failed more often than I succeeded.
When she was in the hospital, I was at her bedside the whole time. Her parents came around as often as possible, but they tried to leave her brothers and sisters at home when they visited, so they didn’t get scared about the things happenin’ to her. Her Aunt Veronica popped in to visit her when she was up in Brisbane as well.
When she was at home, we tried to do everythin’ normal. Angel and Phoebe arranged a baby shower, with Phoebe wantin’ to do it early because no one expected her to go to term. We had everyone around our house the day after New Years’ to celebrate the upcomin’ birth. Every important female in Phoebe’s life was there.
Two days later, she’d ended up in the hospital again.
“What names have ya got in mind?” I asked as I sat beside her hospital bed. It wasn’t somethin’ we’d talked about too much because we’d wanted to get to the twenty-five-week mark to ensure the babies had their best chance of survival before even considerin’ namin’ the two of them.
That hadn’t stopped Phoebe from doin’ her project though. Every couple of days, she’d record another video. She didn’t let anyone else watch or be involved—it was just between her and the camera. Her and our babies.
“I was thinking Emmaline and Abigail,” she said. “Emma and Abby.”
She didn’t need to tell me the names she’d planned to give the babies were to commemorate her brother and my sister. I couldn’t think of anythin’ more perfect.
“And for middle names, I thought, well, maybe Emma could be Emmaline Phoebe.”
I dropped my head, so she didn’t see the tears growin’ in my eyes. Had she picked that name in case of the worst?
She wrung her hands together. “And I thought that maybe Abby could be Abigail Dawson. Unless of course, you don’t like those names.”
“They’re beautiful, darlin’,” I murmured. The words were true, but even if I’d hated the names, I couldn’t have denied Phoebe anythin’. Not now. I needed her to stay free of stress and cling to whatever hope and happiness she had left.
“Are you sure? You’re the one who’s got to live with them.” It was evident she was tryin’ for a joke, but it fell flat like it always did when she made any reference to any time after she was gone. It was hard to find humor in it when that time didn’t exist for me. It couldn’t. There were no plans I could make for it without feelin’ like I was lettin’ go of her too soon.
Even if she were gettin’ ready to give up, I wouldn’t. I would hold on to her until the bitter end—and the end could only be bitter.
“Hey . . .” She cupped my face and played with the corners of my mouth with her thumbs. “Smile. I like it better when you do.”
I forced a smile for her, willin’ to give her anythin’ she needed.
Every week that passed was one closer to the date the babies would be born. So far, they were doin’ well, and it was all just a waitin’ game—a balancin’ act between Phoebe’s health and theirs. For the moment, leavin’ them where they were was the safest bet for all, but as soon as that changed, the doctors would deliver the babies.
Phoebe ran her fingers through my hair in comforting strokes. “Beau, I know you might think I’ve given up, but I haven’t. I’m still here, and I’m still fighting.”
I rested my head on her shoulder. “I know.”
Her hand flew to her stomach. “Oh, god, that was a good one. Quick.”
In a rush, I placed my hand over hers, and she swapped so that she was guiding my hand and pressing it against her stomach. So far, I hadn’t been lucky enough to feel the babies kick. Each time I’d tried to catch one of the flutters, they would stop before I got there.
“Come on, don’t stop now that daddy’s hands are on my stomach,” Phoebe said.
As if her words were a command, one of the babies pressed up against my palm.
“Did you feel that one?” she asked, before looking up at me. “You did, didn’t you?”
The awestruck look on my face probably answered her question in volumes. Somehow experiencin’ things with Phoebe made them a thousand times stronger than anythin’ I’d felt when helpin’ Cass through her pregnancy. Knowin’ that the babies were a product of pure love and that they were part of each of us made it extra special.
I sat with my hands resting on Phoebe’s stomach until the doctor gave her clearance to head home again. While Phoebe changed into her clothes in the hospital bathroom, I called Angel to let her know we were on our way home.
“For how long?” Angel asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “For now, though.”
PHOEBE WAS only at home for another three weeks, on and off, before she was rushed to the hospital unconscious. The fluid in her lungs had built up, and her blood pressure was too high.
A team of doctors visited her for hours, discussin’ all the pros and cons before talkin’ to me about the need for an emergency caesarean while she floated in and out of consciousness.
I couldn’t be anythin’ but impassive as I listened to him talk.
“We think it’s time to consider the options. The babies are still premature, and there will be a risk for them if they’re born so early, but Phoebe’s nephrologist believes there is a greater risk to your wife’s h
ealth if we don’t deliver the twins soon.”
It was a choice between doin’ the best for my daughters and doin’ the best for my wife.
Both had risks, and neither had a guarantee of success.
I nodded. Phoebe would hate me for my choice, but there wasn’t any way I could make one that left her life at risk a second longer than necessary. “Just save her life for me, Doc.”
“We’ll do what we can.” He left to start the preparations, leavin’ me alone at Phoebe’s side.
I held one of her hands between both of mine and brought them all to my forehead. It was a position I’d sat in too much lately. The weight on my heart was too heavy. I couldn’t lose her, and yet I was faced with that too real possibility.
“It’s time to meet those beautiful daughters of ours, darlin’,” I whispered in her ear, “and it’s time for you to fight like hell. For them, and for me. I need ya too much to be able to say goodbye.”
They wheeled Phoebe out of the room without any fanfare. The whole thing was far more of a fizzle than a bang. As they disappeared from view, it dawned on me that the next time I saw her, she wouldn’t be pregnant no more. Whatever happened, that was gonna change.
I texted Angel to let her know what was happenin’. We’d agreed earlier that she would pass the information to Alyssa and Declan, and the tree of phone calls would branch out from there. Despite the long list of people who needed calls, there were only a couple who Phoebe had invited to visit the hospital when she was having the babies. Obviously, every one of those people had been on standby for the call. Barely thirty minutes later, Alyssa, Declan, and Angel were all by my side. An hour after that, a nurse found us all in the waitin’ room. She called my name and pulled me aside.
“I have some good news for you,” she said, “the surgery was successful. There was a little complication with the twins, but your wife is in recovery, and your daughters have been taken to the NICU. You won’t be able to see your wife for a few hours until she’s woken up.”
“Can I see the twins though?”
“Of course. Do you know the way?”
I nodded because I’d traveled the same path a little over four years ago when Phoebe’s baby sister, Georgia, was born.
Beacon (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story Book 6) Page 5