“No. You don’t.”
I clenched my jaw, tryin’ ta figure out how he could forget the loss of my child—somethin’ that had hurt Phoebe so much.
“You know what it’s like to lose the idea of a child.”
“How dare—”
He held up his hand and rolled his eyes. “I don’t mean to try to lessen your grief over the loss you and Phoebe shared, but I know . . . I know what it felt like when I learned about Emmanuel, and I thought it was impossible for a human soul to bear a stronger grief and still survive. But this . . . losing her . . .” His breath caught and he took a moment to steady it. “This is worse. So much worse.”
“You don’t think Lys feels the same way? You don’t think I do?”
“Of course I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. It’s just . . .” He glanced up at my face. I didn’t know what he saw, but it was enough to make him shake his head. “Never mind.”
“So what you’re confidin’ in Gina instead? Is that why you were in here alone with her?”
He shook his head. “Not really. She listens from time to time, but mostly she just makes sure no one comes in here when it gets too much.”
I set my jaw. “You know it’s a slippery slope, don’t ya?”
“What is?”
“First it’s sharin’ emotional baggage with someone else. Then it’s sharin’ intimacy. Then it’s—”
He sneered. “I’m not my father.”
“Then go home and talk to your wife. She’s hurtin’ more than you know. All of your family needs ya, includin’ your granddaughters. Ya ain’t seen them since the funeral.”
“There’s too much to do around here. The place will fall apart—”
“Without you sittin’ in your office drinkin’?” I finished for him in a mockin’ tone.
“Beau, you’re overstepping—”
“I don’t think I am, sir, because if Phoebe was here”—I had to pause to catch my breath after sayin’ her name—“what would she say about the way you’re copin’?”
“If Phoebe were here, I wouldn’t need to find a way to cope.”
“Ya think I don’t feel the same way? And yet here I am offerin’ to help ya out because it’s the right thing to do.”
“I know you miss her too, but you just don’t get it.”
“You don’t think I want her back more than anythin’ else?”
He lifted his gaze to meet mine. The challenge was clear as he started to speak. “What if there was a way you could have her back, but you’d have to give up the girls. Could you do that? Could you put your wife’s life in front of your children’s?”
I couldn’t answer him because there was no way I could give up the girls for anythin’, but at the same time, I woulda given almost anythin’ to have Phoebe back. “That ain’t a fair comparison.”
“No. It’s not. Because you already made that choice.” He flexed his jaw. “So don’t come in here acting all self-righteous about the right thing to do.”
Clenching my teeth, I straightened up. “You know, it’s not even worth it. You’re not worth it. Not if you can’t see you’ve got a loving wife at home, waitin’ for ya every night. A family who love ya even though you’re an ass. I’m almost glad Phoebe isn’t here to see this because she would only be disappointed in you, sir.”
I kept my composure long enough to turn and walk back out of his office. I didn’t stop walking until I reached my car, and then I collapsed against the side.
“I’m sorry, darlin’,” I whispered to the sky. “I’m sorry I said that to your daddy. There ain’t a single part of me that’s glad you’re gone. I—I want you back home with me.”
When I got home, I found my girls and gave each of them a hug. The whole incident with Declan had made me appreciate just how much Phoebe had given up to bring them into the world.
“What are you doing home?” Angel asked when she found me in the nursery.
“Things didn’t go as planned.”
“What happened?”
I told her about the meetin’ with Declan and what happened at his office.
“God, poor Lys. Do you think he has been . . . you know . . . with his assistant.”
“He said he ain’t.”
She tilted her head to the side. “Do you believe him?”
“I ain’t got no reason to doubt him.”
“Good. Because Phoebe would have kicked his arse.”
“Yeah. But she ain’t here.”
Angel shoved her hands on her hips. “Then we’ll just have to do it for her.”
“Sweetness, I don’t think it’s a good idea to get in the middle of their marriage.”
“What do you think Phoebe would say if we didn’t?”
“Angel. Please? Just leave Dec and Lys to sort it out. Us gettin’ involved will only make things harder in the long run. They’ll work it out.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Then losin’ Phoebe cost more than anyone thought it would.”
She frowned at me. “I don’t understand how you can be blasé about this.”
“I ain’t tryin’ ta be blasé, and I know they’re surrogate parents for you, but I ain’t got any extra energy to help them. I’m barely able to help myself.”
She wrapped her arms around my waist. “Yeah, I know what you mean. It just doesn’t feel right to let it go when things seem so bad.”
“I know. We’ve just gotta have faith that they’ll work it out.”
“And if they don’t?”
“Then we’ll just have to be there for them the way Phoebe would have been.”
Angel nodded, and we fell silent for a moment before she sighed. “Okay, if helping Dec is out, what are your plans for the rest of the day then?”
“I dunno. I ain’t really thought about it.”
“What do you think about heading out for a picnic somewhere? I really do think the girls need to get out of the house more.”
“Yeah. I think they’d like that.”
“You go get them ready, I’ll pack up some lunch.”
“Okay, sweetness.”
It wasn’t long before we headed out and for me, there was only one place to go.
Angel and I each carried one of the girls in a baby carrier, and I took the bags as we made our way down the rough stairs that lead to Cedar Creek Falls. We set up the picnic away from the water and laid down a big, soft blanket over the rocks for the girls to rest on.
“Phoebe was right,” Angel said. “It’s hard to imagine being too stressed here.”
“Yeah. We came down to visit this place a few times over the years, she always found some peace here. It makes me think of ho—Georgia.” I was gonna say home, but with all the questions everyone had asked about my intentions I didn’t wanna give Angel any worries that I might be plannin’ on leavin’.
“You can say home,” she said. “I don’t mind. I know that it was Phoebe holding you here.” Despite her words, her gaze dropped away from mine, provin’ she minded at least a li’l.
“It wasn’t only Phoebe keepin’ me here,” I reassured her. “I loved my life in Georgia, and I’ve loved my life here. True, it was that much brighter with Phoebe ’round, but it ain’t all darkness now. At least, I can see glimmers of brightness among the clouds. I see it in the smiles of these two li’l ones.” I brushed my hand over Abby’s cheek.
“They’re pretty damn special. I think Phoebe knew that,” Angel confirmed.
Before long, Angel had stretched out along the blanket, playin’ with the babies.
I watched the three of them with a smile, but it was maskin’ the pain in my heart. The missin’ piece was a gapin’ hole, but I found more truth in what I’d said about light at that moment than when I’d said it.
Once the girls were entertainin’ themselves, Angel sighed. “Can you imagine what things might’ve been like if the things that happened to Phoebe never happened?”
Lyin’ on the other side of the blanket, wit
h the girls between us, I closed my eyes and pictured that world. It would’ve been vastly different to the one we were livin’. “There are things that woulda been so much better if things had never happened to her, especially for Phoebe. But there are things I woulda missed out on too. Things I wouldn’t give up.”
“Like what?”
“The girls. If Phoebe hadn’t been forced off the pill, she mighta never fallen pregnant the first time. Without that loss, I don’t think she woulda been so compelled to put it all on the line for a baby.”
“I don’t know. I think she would’ve eventually wanted kids.” Angel rolled to face me. “She was born to be a mother. It’s just a shame she was so sick by the end.”
“I don’t think I’d be in Australia if things didn’t happen like they did,” I added.
“How do you figure?”
“Well, Phoebe came to the States to be with me. If things had gone differently, if she’d made a name for herself racin’ there like I know she woulda if she’d had the chance, we probably woulda got married there. We probably woulda stayed there.”
While she considered my words, Angel frowned. “You’re probably right. She would’ve missed her family though.”
“And I don’t know if I woulda understood how much without seein’ things here for myself.”
Angel chuckled and rolled onto her stomach. She crossed her arms and rested her head on them—facin’ me. “Yeah, it was always intense being around Phoebe and her family. Intense in the best possible way, though.”
“Heh, yeah. God, I miss her.”
“Yeah. Me too.” She closed her eyes.
Leanin’ over the girls, I brushed Angel’s hair off her face so that I could see her properly.
At my touch, Angel sighed and opened her eyes.
“This is somethin’ else I woulda missed out on if things had gone differently,” I said.
Angel dropped her gaze to focus on Emma. “Hmm?”
“This. Your friendship.”
Her eyes lifted to meet mine. “Do you think?”
“Yeah. I mean, I woulda never had the chance to have any time to get to know ya. Not like we had when ya came to Florida with me, or when ya came to my house and yelled at me for givin’ up on Pheobe—”
Angel’s quiet laughter proved her mind was offerin’ up some images of that time.
“—or the time we had when I first moved to Australia.”
“We had some fun. You were the only thing that kept me sane then.”
“I know exactly what ya mean, sweetness. I woulda gone crazy waitin’ on Phoebe if it wasn’t for your support.” I met her emerald irises when I added, “I woulda gone crazy these last few months without ya too.”
She reached out and held my hand. “What’re friends for.”
We stayed at Cedar Creek Falls until it was almost dusk and then headed back home. As I stopped the car, I paused. “Thank you for givin’ me the push to do this. It was a good day today. I think the girls enjoyed it.”
She grinned at me. “Yeah, it was nice. I had a good time.”
My lips twisted upward. “Me too.”
When her gaze met mine, she gave a sharp exhale. “We should probably get them inside now though.”
She disappeared from the car before I could argue.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY
AT THE BEGINNING of June, I watched the fourth recordin’ Phoebe had left for me. It started the same way as the others, with a reminder of her love and her wishes for the girls, Angel, and me. Because she seemed to have recorded them in order, each one saw her gettin’ a little sicker. It was like goin’ through it all over again. Already I’d moved from the time before the babies were born until Phoebe’s first hospital stay after their birth. Watching her decline all over again was harder than I’d imagined it would be.
Harder still when her birthday was only a few days away.
When I finished the recordin’, my heart was full of love for my wife, but the ache that never entirely dissipated was back to full strength, nearly enough to send me to my knees. The reminder of Phoebe’s birthday on top of that . . . it was too much. I needed a break, or I would break down. Although I wanted to do everythin’ I could for my daughters, I needed a night off to allow myself to lose control.
To distract myself from the pain, and try to remind myself of the good in the world, I sat with the girls for a while. It always eased the ache to watch as Emma and Abby both rolled and wiggled on the play mat.
While Abby was content to play with her toys, Emma was more interested in tryin’ to get her arms under her. She’d been doin’ it for a few weeks, and each time, I watched with close attention, waitin’ for the moment she did somethin’ more.
As I watched, she pushed herself up and crawled for a little more than a foot before crashin’ back to the floor.
“Oh, li’l darlin’! You’re so clever,” I cooed as I reached for my phone to record her next attempt. Angel, Alyssa, and all the women in my life would wanna see Emma’s milestone.
After gettin’ some decent footage of her attemptin’ to crawl, and achievin’ better and better distances, I turned to Abby. “What about you, li’l darlin’? Are ya gonna crawl too, or are ya gonna let your sister leave ya behind?”
When Angel arrived home, I met her at the door.
“We’re in so much trouble now, sweetness.”
Her eyes widened. “What? Why?”
With a grin, I showed her the footage of Emma’s adventures. “They’re gettin’ mobile. They’ll be walkin’ before we know it.”
After watchin’ the footage twice, Angel made a beeline for Emma, who was in her highchair bangin’ her bottle against the built-in table.
“Who’s a clever little girl?” Angel murmured as she lifted Emma out of the chair. “You’re gonna give your daddy gray hairs now.”
The day, and Emma’s achievement, had been the perfect distraction. It was only when I went to bed and found myself alone that the pain of watchin’ Phoebe get sick all over again struck. Then the agony and loneliness sank in. I tried talkin’ to her, but couldn’t get my words out through my tightened throat.
“I miss ya so much, darlin’,” I said when I finally could speak. “You shoulda seen your daughter today, she woulda made you so proud.” I touched the cool glass of her urn and tried to feel her presence.
All I felt instead was the blinding realization that I was facing it all without her.
AFTER SPENDIN’ the day of Phoebe’s birthday with the twins, I had planned to go to bed early and stay there for the night—ignorin’ the whole world while the agony held me tightly in its grasp. Those plans changed a little after seven in the evening when Angel knocked on my door.
“Kelly just came to collect the girls,” she said.
“Phoebe’s nana?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because I asked her to.”
I blinked at Angel as I tried to understand. “Why?”
“Because the last thing you need right now is a night locked away from everything while I look after the girls.”
“Actually that sounds like exactly what I need.”
“No. You need to get out. You need to celebrate your wife’s birthday in style. It’s what Phoebe would’ve wanted.”
“I don’t know if I can.” I buried my face in my pillow.
“Nope. I’m not taking no for an answer. You need to live. Like Phoebe wanted you to.”
Rollin’ my head to one side to look at her, I asked, “What do you have planned?”
“There’s this little steakhouse Phoebe and I used to go to. It turns into a nightclub after the dinner service is done so we can hang there and dance and drink.”
“That last one sounds good. That was my plan anyways.”
She pursed her lips, and I wanted to apologize. After what she’d been through with her mama, the last thing I should do near her is get drunk. “Let me make sure you’re fed first, and then yo
u can have all the alcohol you want.”
“You really ain’t gonna let me say no, are ya?”
“I really ain’t.” A victorious smile curled her lip.
“Fine.”
“You’re not going to regret this,” Angel said. “I’m not either because I need this tonight. Now get ready, the cab will be here in twenty. ”
“That ain’t givin’ me much time.”
She grinned. “I didn’t want to give you any time to change your mind.”
CLOSE TO an hour later, a hostess led us to a table at a cozy little steakhouse.
“Phoebe and I used to come here all the time when we were younger. In fact, we came here after the photo shoot we did on her bike.”
I smiled at the memory. Although the photos had been tainted with the memory of Max’s deception for a while, after marryin’ Phoebe, I’d eventually been able to look at them without feelin’ the same worry.
“You should’ve seen the way she spoke about you when she came home,” Angel said. Her gaze went through me, lookin’ into the past. “I knew then how special you were to her, even if she didn’t really understand it yet.”
“It was six years ago today that she changed my life. There ain’t been a day I could put her outta my head since. Not even when I thought I wanted to.”
“One day, I’d like to find a love like the one you shared.”
“You did have one.”
Angel’s gaze shifted to the side, away from my face. “Yeah, but she never felt the same way. Not really. She was already too madly in love with someone else.” Angel sighed. “Not that I can blame her.”
“Angel . . .” I trailed off as soon as I’d started. “I—” I debated whether to confront her over what she mighta meant by her last statement, but thought better of it. The night was about relievin’ stress and rememberin’ Phoebe. “Thank you.”
She cleared her throat. “I don’t think there is nearly enough alcohol on this table.”
Without waitin’ for me to respond, she jumped up and rushed to the bar, returnin’ a few minutes later with two bright pink, icy cocktails.
Handing one to me, she grinned. “You’re secure enough in your manhood to drink something like this, aren’t you?”
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