“I could never hate ya, darlin’,” I murmured as the recordin’ stopped.
After I’d watched the recording again, I rested on the bed and let memories of Phoebe wash over me.
A little after five, Angel checked in on me to make sure I was still willin’ to go to Madison’s. I jumped up and started gettin’ ready because something Phoebe had said had reminded me that I needed to learn how to live again.
We spent the night sharin’ our favorite stories of Phoebe and tryin’ to make a plan of attack for settin’ up Angel’s new business. She lit up as she spoke about her plans to start helpin’ families.
“You’re really excited about this, ain’t ya?”
She paused with a spoonful of mash potatoes halfway to Emma’s mouth. “I know it probably seems really morbid and depressing, but going through all of this with Phoebe has shown me how important those photos can be to people. It’s like—” She cut off and blushed a little.
“What is it?”
“It’s probably gonna sound stupid, but it’s almost like Phoebe is calling to me from wherever she went and telling me to do this.”
I took in her soft li’l smile and the way her eyes softened when talkin’ about my wife, and I didn’t think her words were silly at all. “That ain’t stupid. I like to believe she’s watchin’ over us too. She’d be lookin’ down on these two and smilin’ so hard at every milestone they hit, and she’d be happy with how well they’re doin’.”
“Do you think she’d be happy with this?” Angel asked.
“What’s this?”
“You bringing me here”—she indicated around her—“to your restaurant, tonight of all nights.”
“She’d want you here, sweetness. She loved you.”
Angel lifted Emma out of the high chair and onto her lap. “I know. It’s just . . . Well, it’s your wedding anniversary.”
“Silk,” I murmured. I’d committed that one to memory when lookin’ up traditional anniversary gifts the year before. Even then, I’d made plans to buy her something to make her feel as special as she was to me.
Now I couldn’t.
The thought hit me harder than I expected and I had to take a second to catch my breath and still my tears. So many of the plans I’d had sittin’ at the table just a year earlier lay in tatters. So much had changed in just over a year. That night was one of the last times we’d made love, and she was already pregnant even then. If I could go back and change things, would I?
I downed the last of my red wine and stared at the ceilin’ while I worked to get back in control of my emotions.
Angel reached for me, holdin’ my hand across the table.
It became apparent that comin’ to the standin’ bookin’ without Phoebe was the wrong choice. It had seemed so innocent at first, but the more I looked around, the more I saw reminders of the last time I’d been there. Reminders that she’d been at my side, and happy. It was just like it had been for me when I’d been in Georgia after Phoebe’s rescue.
Alyssa’s words about everything familiar bein’ too hard came back to haunt me. Did she know how hard it was from when she’d been apart from Declan while she was pregnant with Phoebe and Emmanuel? It made me worry about what might happen as I stepped out into the world at large more and more without Phoebe at my side. What would my first trip to the track be like? My first Christmas without her?
A snap decision hit me. “I was thinkin’ I might head back to the States for a while,” I said.
Angel’s head lifted until she met my gaze. “What? Why? When?”
“Which one do ya want answered first?”
“When?”
“I was thinkin’ I’d get outta town after the girl’s birthday next year.” In some ways, it felt like an age away, but it was gonna be on us before we knew it.
Even though I hadn’t mentioned the specific date I wanted to be away for, Angel seemed to understand. “B-before the anniversary?”
“Yeah. I don’t know if I can cope with goin’ through those days here at home surrounded by memories of her. Besides, I can spend my birthday at the Lake Retreat.”
“I can understand why you’d want to be away from here for that.” She kept her smile on her lips, but it didn’t reach her eyes any longer.
Her attention dropped from my face and onto Emma.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
Her gaze flicked back up to me momentarily before she dropped it again. “Nothing.”
“It ain’t nothin’. Somethin’ is botherin’ ya.”
“It’s really nothing. Nothing that you need to worry about anyway.”
“Sweetness . . .” I let the word hang in the air, a request for more.
She grimaced. “It’s just that I’m going to be left here in Australia and it’s going to be so hard trying to get through it alone.”
I chuckled.
Her brow dipped, and her lips turned down. “Are you kidding me? I tell you how hard it’s going to be and you just laugh at me.”
“Sweetness, I’m takin’ the girls.”
“Exactly. So I won’t have anyone here to help me through.”
“I ain’t gonna even try to take them on a plane on my own. The two of ’em will gang up on me, and I’ll lose.”
Angel tilted her head to the side. “What’re you saying?”
“Will you come with me to the Lake Retreat?”
“You really want me to go with you?”
“I couldn’t image goin’ without ya. You’re part of our lives. Part of our family.”
Drawin’ a few deep breaths, she glanced up at me from beneath her lashes. “You really feel that way?”
“Course I do, sweetness. I’m sure Mitch, Joe, and Cass will all be happy to see you ag’in too.”
She chuckled. “I’m not so sure about Cassidee. I don’t think we ever really got on the right foot. Maybe this could be our chance to. I know Phoebe cared for her. Despite—” She caught herself mid-sentence. “Well, despite everything that happened between you three.”
I needed to change the subject so that the regrets of the past didn’t catch up with me. “How will the trip work ’round your new business though?”
She bounced Emma on her knee. “I’ll get everything ready and try to do a launch when we get home. In the meantime, maybe I’ll find a hospital or nursing home that will let me volunteer so I can build up a portfolio. Then when we come home, I can work out some pricing that will be reasonable for those who need it. The last thing I want is to hunt for money when people need compassion. I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to take advantage of their misfortune.”
When Abby started to fuss and reach for Angel, I lifted her out of the highchair and sat her in my lap. “No one will think that, sweetness. Your soul is too bright and sweet.”
She raised one brow. “And here I always thought I was the stone cold bitch between Phoebe and me. The one who told it like it was.”
“That might be the case, but you do it from a place of love. That’s what makes ya sweet.”
“Maybe we should take a longer holiday when we head over to the States,” she suggested, changing the subject.
I’d realized a long time ago that Angel wasn’t good with compliments about her personality. She’d take them about her looks without battin’ an eyelash, but talk about her personality and she would close up or change the subject. It was one of the ways she and Phoebe had differed, especially closer to the end.
“Why’s that?”
“I just thought we might be able to do a bit of a tour. Recreate some parts of the trip Phoebe took. Like heading to Disneyland.”
“Sacramento,” I added with a smile. “I can show ya the place I fell in love with her.”
“The bar?”
I shook my head. “That’s where I met her, but it was only lyin’ by her side up in the mountains that I really saw just how special she was.”
“What was it that sealed the deal?”
Glancin�
�� down at Abby, I tried to think of the answer to Angel’s question. What was it about Phoebe that had struck me from the beginnin’? Her eyes, her attitude, the way she was both so trustin’ and fearful at the same time. “She was just so different to anyone I’d ever met.”
“How?”
“She was just so alive.” As soon as I said the word, my heart sank. It was that spark—the zest for life that just seemed to burst across her features—that had drawn me in from that first night.
“The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.”
While holding onto Abby with one arm, I reached across the table to hold Angel’s hand after she quoted Lao Tzu. “The burn was worth it though,” I said.
She nodded and smiled despite her tears. “I wouldn’t give up a single day for anything. The only thing I regret is not admitting the truth to her sooner.”
“I know what you mean, sweetness. But there ain’t no point livin’ with regrets no more. Phoebe was happy at the end. That’s what matters, ain’t it?”
Angel gave a dark chuckle. “I was supposed to be looking after you and keeping your spirits up, not the other way around.”
“We’re both gonna have days that are easier and days that are harder. ’Sides, Phoebe made me promise to look after ya, so I don’t mind.”
Angel chuckled again, the sound mixin’ with a sob. “I know. Remember, she made me promise the same thing And a few other things.”
My curiosity was instantly piqued. “Other things? Like what exactly?”
“Are you sure you’re ready to know?”
“I don’t know I’ll ever be ready, but I don’t want no secrets between you and me, sweetness.”
“Do you remember the afternoon when you felt she was pushing you away?”
I nodded because it was still a vivid memory.
“She made me promise a few things while I comforted her. One of them was to look after the girls, another was to take care of you, and lastly, she made me promise to make sure you fell in love again one day.”
“She had to know that ain’t gonna happen.”
Angel nodded. “She knew you’d say that, but she told me she was confident that one day someone would come along who you would start to fall for. You have too much love to give, she said. She worried you’d fight it when it happened.”
It seemed ridiculous to me that Phoebe would think I could ever replace her. Although I wanted to argue with the crazy thought, I took a moment to reverse the situation. If I’d passed away first, would I want Phoebe to pine over me for the rest of her life? Or would I want her to find whatever happiness she could and live life to the fullest the way she always had?
The answer was too easy. There was no way I would want her to live a life full of grief.
“It’s not something you have to think about right now.” As Angel spoke, Emma snatched handfuls of Angel’s hair and pulled. Angel gently fought Emma’s playful grabbing as she continued our conversation. “I don’t think she expected you to jump into bed with the first woman that came along. She just wanted me to make sure you didn’t give up on the possibility.”
“Well, considerin’ the first woman in my life is you, I don’t think there’s too much to worry about there, is there?” I asked. Even as the question left my lips, flashes of the old fantasies ran through my head, and I had to focus on the things around me, so they didn’t take control.
“Could you imagine?” Angel bit her lip and tucked the hair Emma had pulled loose back behind her ear. Her gaze fell to my mouth and then to the table.
“Once upon a time, I mighta been able to,” I admitted.
“What?”
“Ya really think I never pictured what happened between you and Phoebe?”
“Is that why you were okay with anything that happened between us? Was your whole understanding deal just so you could indulge in some fantasy?” She seemed almost indignant as she asked the question.
I shook my head and shifted Abby from one knee to the other. “Not at all, sweetness. I knew how much ya loved her, and it was too easy to see how much she loved ya too. How could I deny either of ya from expressin’ that love? It ain’t like she loved me less because of the way she felt about you. If anythin’, it made us stronger, because there wasn’t any doubt between us. I knew she wasn’t wonderin’ what mighta been. She got the best o’ both worlds in some ways.”
Angel stared at the table and cleared her throat. “Yeah. I guess.”
Before I could find out what was botherin’ her, she started tidyin’ the area.
“It’s probably time to be heading off,” she said, placin’ Emma back into the highchair. “We don’t want to keep these two up for too long.”
“Is there somethin’ wrong?”
Her gaze flicked to mine before fallin’ back to the toys on the table in front of her that she was packin’ up. “No. I’m just getting a little tired and think the girls must be as well.”
“If that’s all.”
She nodded and gave me a winnin’ smile. “It is. I swear. Plus, I want to be up early tomorrow and get started on planning our adventure.”
“It ain’t for a few months yet.”
“That doesn’t matter. You should’ve seen the maps that Pheebs and I used to pore over in high school.”
“But y’all didn’t even travel together.”
A flash of sorrow crossed her face. “I know. It was always the plan that we would, but by the time we finally went, it was freedom she wanted more than anything else. How could I deny her that? Besides, we got a little while together at Disneyland. That was pretty priceless.”
It confirmed the things I’d learned about the two of them. As much as Phoebe loved her family and friends, she ultimately craved space and freedom. Angel was the opposite. After a childhood starved of any real affection, she sought out companionship whenever she could. There was little doubt that was the reason Angel hadn’t escaped her mother’s influence until I had a place to offer her. Even though Declan and Alyssa woulda opened their house to Angel in an instant, she woulda always been on the outside. She needed someone to invite her in as a wanted guest, not out of what she believed to be pity.
“We should go to the Fun Spot too,” I said, adding it to our itinerary. It mighta been down in Florida, but if Angel wanted the tour of the places where Phoebe and I had fallen in love, that had to be included.
“How long are we going for?”
“Maybe a month or so.”
“That long?”
“Why don’t ya make a wish list of places and see how long ya think it might take to get to all o’ them and we’ll go from there. All I wanna do is ensure we’re at the Lake Retreat for my birthday.”
“Done. Leave it with me, I’ll get it all arranged.”
“Thank you, sweetness. That’ll give me time to talk to Declan again.” It’d been a few months since our argument, and I’d finally calmed down enough to try again. Things between him and Alyssa weren’t any better, and he was slowly alienatin’ all of his family and friends. As strange as it was, I almost understood why he was the way he was. I’d seen the way he loved Phoebe when we were hunting for her in the States. His anger was nothin’ but a product of his grief and self-pity. He needed to find a way through it though, or else he’d lose everythin’ else he loved.
I owed it to Phoebe to try to fix things and missin’ her on our weddin’ anniversary made me more inclined to see what I could do to fix things. One thing I’d learned about Declan is that he needed his space, but if he got too much, he’d sink into himself. Just like Phoebe. And just like Phoebe, when that happened he needed something to shock his system and snap him back. If it wasn’t too late already.
“Good luck with that. He’s a stubborn arse,” Angel muttered.
“I was thinkin’ I might take the girls. See if they can change his mind.”
“He won’t even look at Alyssa or acknowledge Georgia anymore,” Angel said, echoing words Alyssa had told us both o
ver the weeks. “What hope do these two cuties have? Especially when he considers them the reason Phoebe isn’t here anymore.”
“I’ll have to show him that they’re worth the sacrifice. Phoebe loved them so much before they were born that this was the only path she wanted to take. Could you imagine if anyone had forced her to get rid o’ them?”
Angel grimaced. “She would’ve died inside.”
“Exactly. ’Sides, it’s not the girls’ fault,” I said, meaning every word. Although I’d worried I’d resent the baby when I first learned Phoebe was pregnant and that the pregnancy might cost her life, I saw it differently now that they were in my life. Anythin’ coulda been the catalyst for Phoebe’s condition to become terminal. It wasn’t their fault. Despite my words though, I wasn’t entirely sure how to get Declan to see that.
Angel grabbed the bill and shot me a look when I went to argue. “Let’s go home,” she said as she gave the hostess her credit card. “It’s been a long night.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN: TWIN TROUBLES
AFTER THE TEAM put in a disastrous performance at Sandown, I couldn’t delay my visit to the offices no more. The day the team was due back at work, I woke early in the mornin’ and dressed the girls in their cutest li’l outfits—pink plaid dresses and li’l pink cowboy boots—and had pulled their tufts of hair up into the best approximation of pigtails I could. Once they were ready, I loaded them into the car and headed to Emmanuel Racing.
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