As I gathered her into my arms, I knocked aside the tablet she was recordin’ on. It lay at an awkward angle as I held her while she cried. My heart ached at the image and the memory it contained.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: LIFE GOES ON
AFTER THE VIDEO had ended, I lifted the box with the large diamond in it and gently opened the lid. It was hard to reconcile the information that the cold stone was made from Phoebe’s ashes.
I plucked the diamond off the pillow and balanced it in m palm. In the light, the pale blue dazzled and reflected. Deep within the stone, the reflection was almost seafoam. The longer I stared at the stone, the more comfort I found from it.
There was a knock on the door, and Angel’s voice called out to ask if I was okay.
I couldn’t find my voice to answer her.
“Beau? Can I come in?”
“Please,” I croaked.
She came to sit at my side on the bed. “What was in there?”
I lifted my palm to show her the diamond.
“Wow, that’s beautiful.”
“It’s Phoebe. She had stones made from her ashes. Apparently, she wanted me to consider havin’ this made into an engagement ring.”
Angel held out her hand, and I placed the stone on her palm. “It’s beautiful. Did she pick the blue?”
I nodded. I’d show Angel the video Phoebe had left for me later so that Phoebe could explain it better. After Angel had passed me the stone back again, I placed it back in the box and grabbed one of the little jewelry bags. “She had these made for the girls.”
Angel had tears in her eyes but was keepin’ it together as she lifted one of the chains and examined the heart pendant. “Is it the same stone?”
I nodded. “I think she wanted the girls to have a piece of her with them.”
“That’s really sweet.”
“There’s something in there for you too.”
“What is it?”
“I dunno. I ain’t got that far yet.” I reached into the box. There were two boxes I hadn’t examined yet—a pale pink box with an A and a blue one with Mum and Dad. For Christmas.
I handed the pink one to Angel.
“Apparently there’s a video in there for you.”
Her eyes lit up. “Really?”
“Phoebe mentioned it in the one she left for me. She said she wanted us to watch it together if we could.”
Angel’s brow dipped into a little frown. “Really?”
“Only if you want to. Ultimately, she left it for you.”
Angel opened the lid of the box and grabbed the USB. She passed that to me, and I put it into the computer to play the video. Before I could start the recordin’, a sob sounded beside me.
I lifted my gaze to Angel, who was holdin’ up a bracelet in one hand. Her other hand was pressed against her mouth, tryin’ to stop herself from cryin’ out again. She held up a white-gold bracelet with an ornate locket on one side and a solid white-gold heart inset with three of the diamonds over the clasp on the other. Angel had opened the locket where two photos rested inside, but I couldn’t make out what they were. With her other hand still coverin’ her mouth, she turned the locket so that I could see the contents.
Inside were two small photos, one on either side of the pendant. On the left, the photo was of the two of them. They both looked so young in that one, possibly early teens. On the right, was a more recent one. If I’d had to guess, the second was taken just days before Phoebe’s death.
“That was the first photo we ever took,” Angel explained through a tear-strained voice. “And the last.”
With my own eyes stingin’ with the threat of tears, I closed the locket and helped secure the bracelet on Angel’s wrist. Then I wrapped my arm around her waist and drew her closer to me. “Are you ready for this?”
She nodded against my side, and I held her tight.
When Phoebe appeared on screen, it was a slightly healthier version than the one in the recordin’ she’d left for me. “Hi, Angel and Beau, I really hope you’re watching this together. That was what I wanted, but if not, I understand. I know that this is just as hard on you as it is on me. Except for my family, you two are the people I love most of all. And the reason for that was obvious to me. You’re both so vibrant and loving. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband than you, Beau. I’m sure by now you’re probably sick of all the videos of me telling you that, but it’s never going to be less true. No one would have done as good a job protecting my heart and loving me as you did. No one, except the woman beside you. Angel, my soul”—Phoebe clutched her chest as her tears started to fall—“I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you.”
“You were the best,” Angel whispered from beside me.
“Until everything that happened, I never understood how you felt. I never . . .” Phoebe trailed off and squeezed her eyes closed before disintegrating into sobs. “I never realized that you loved me the way that you did. If I had, there are things I would have done better. I never meant to torture you, and I hope that our time since then has gone some way to making up for my past mistakes.”
When Angel sobbed against me, I couldn’t stop myself from tightenin’ my hold. She curled into me, and her tears fell in earnest.
“I don’t want you to think that I didn’t love you,” Phoebe said. “I loved you with all that I could, I just didn’t know how to love you the way you wanted me to, and I’m sorry for that.”
Angel’s sobs shook her whole body, and I felt myself tearin’ up all over again. I wanted to take away her pain, but other than holdin’ her, I didn’t know how.
“Don’t make the same mistake twice, my Angel. I’m happy for you to take what you want now. I was always so scared of it, but now I see it’s the way things should be. I want you to go for it. I want you to find happiness, and I know who you can be happy with. But if you don’t say anything, he’ll never understand.”
Angel stiffened in my hold.
“I love you both so much, and I want nothing more than for you both to be happy. To be loved. You deserve that more than anything.”
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and cradling my head in my hands.
Angel turned off the recordin’ before settlin’ back at my side. She trailed her hands over my back in slow, soothin’ paths.
“What did Phoebe mean when she tol’ ya he’ll never understand?” I asked as I twisted ’round to look her.
“How am I supposed to know her mind?” Angel ducked her head and let her hair fall between us.
I ran my hands through her hair, pushin’ it back behind her ears so I could see her properly. “Because you were her best friend and knew her better than ’most anyone. If there’s something goin’ on, ya need to tell me. Is it Logan? Is he the one Phoebe wanted you to talk to? Is that why you were with him?”
She pushed away from me again, pacin’ to the door.
“Please tell me, sweetness. I need to know what’s happenin’ if there’s someone ya need to be with.”
“I tried so hard to hide it,” Angel whispered, “but she figured it out because of course, she would. She was my best friend, so of course, she knew me. She promised she wouldn’t say anything though.”
“What aren’t ya sayin’, sweetness?”
“I know you think differently, but nothing ever happened between Phoebe and me.”
“What?” I couldn’t understand the change in conversation.
“We never went further than a kiss.”
“That’s not what Phoebe led me to believe.”
“I know. She told me she was starting to have growing feelings, and maybe it might have been different if things were different, but it never got that far between us.”
“Why not?”
Angel gave a throaty chuckle. “I just told you that your wife didn’t sleep with me, and you complain and wonder why she didn’t.”
“I’m surprised nothin’ happened, that’s all. And I guess a li’l confused why she mighta
let me think it had.”
“I think I can guess. She didn’t want to admit the truth about why I moved out. She was too afraid.”
I narrowed my eyes. Was Angel suggestin’ Phoebe had lied to me about somethin’ because she was afraid of me?
Angel paced away from me. “God, I didn’t think I’d have to say this. When you first came over from the States, she was worried about . . .” She cleared her throat. “You and me.”
Her words dredged up old memories. “About me leavin’ her for someone without her issues,” I thought aloud.
“Yeah. The thing is . . . Phoebe knows me better than anyone else.”
I didn’t understand the latest change in conversation direction, but I waited for her to turn it back around to her point.
Angel wrung her hands together. “The thing is . . . the things she thought weren’t entirely off-base. They never were, and she figured that out.”
“What are you saying?”
She glanced at me and then turned her gaze down again. “Just that . . . never mind.”
I closed the distance between us. Her head drooped a little more with each step I took until her chin was tucked against her chest.
Curlin’ my finger under her chin, I guided it up so she’d meet my eye. For a moment, we stood stock still with our gazes locked.
“What is it?” I asked when Angel didn’t offer more.
Angel twisted her head from my hand before turnin’ away from me. “It’s not only loyalty to Phoebe that’s keeping me here.” Her voice was so quiet, it woulda been impossible to hear her if I hadn’t been focused on her alone. “If anything, it’s loyalty to her and the way you love her that stopped me acting on certain . . . impulses.”
“What’re ya talkin’ about?”
She spun back to me, green eyes wide and filled with terror. “I’m in love with you, Beau. Truthfully, I fell in love a long time ago. Right back when we were in Florida. Of course, I never wanted to act in the way I felt, and it didn’t burn nearly as bright as the way I felt for Phoebe. But it was there. Always. After seeing the way you were with Phoebe when you helped to draw her out of the prison she’d locked herself in; it made me want someone like you more than anything else. You became my best friend, and although Phoebe was always my number one, that didn’t stop me from falling more in love with you too.”
I gaped at her. Somethin’ slithered through my stomach. Hope and cold dread tanglin’ together to whisper through my veins.
“If Phoebe were still here, God, I’d be so fucking happy for the two of you. I’d be cheering loudest from the sidelines as I watched the two of you share a love that most people can only dream of, but she’s not here. I am, and I love you.” Her emerald eyes flashed with fear, and then something like resignation crept over her features. “I just wish that was enough to take away your pain.”
“Angel, I—” I wasn’t entirely sure how the sentence was gonna end, but it didn’t matter because she cut me off.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Just forget I did. I’m used to keeping everything buried, and I’ve been trying so hard to keep it that way, but being here alone with you like this. That message from Phoebe. It’s just brought it all to the surface. But I can bury it again if you give me some time. I can keep it hidden and control myself.” She wrapped her arms around her body and curled in on herself. Her chin tucked against her chest. “Just like I did when it came to Phoebe.”
“I ain’t sayin’ I want that.”
Her gaze lifted to me. “You know Phoebe’s message means that she wanted us to get together, don’t you?” Angel said, tuckin’ a strand of her hair behind her ear.
“Yeah. But I can’t. I still love her. I still keep ’spectin’ her to walk through that door and for everythin’ to go back to the way it was.”
Angel sank onto the bed. “Me too. I wish things could go back to the way they were before. I mean . . . Don’t get me wrong, I love those little girls. With all of my heart . . .”
“But ya loved Phoebe too.”
“So. Much.” She sobbed. “And I miss her.”
I sat beside her and gathered her up into my arms. While she sobbed against my chest, I rested my cheek on her hair.
Her head lifted just enough that I could see her emerald irises restin’ behind her thick black lashes.
“I care ’bout ya, Angel. And some part of me does love ya. Not quite like a sister, but not like I love Phoebe either.”
“I know.” Her gaze fell to my lips before droppin’ to the floor. “God, I’m so stupid. I just . . . Phoebe’s video. I shouldn’t have said anything.” She stood and went to leave the room, but I rushed to her side to stop her.
“I ain’t sayin’ it hasn’t crossed my mind,” I admitted. “Kissin’ you, I mean. Or even askin’ ya to be a permanent part of my life—part of the girls’ lives. That’s what tomorrow night was supposed to be for.”
She recoiled. “Permanent part of your life? Wasn’t I already?”
I brushed my hands through her hair and stepped closer. “I wanted to formalize it. To see if you’d be happy to be added to my will as their guardian. I think it’s what Phoebe woulda wanted.”
“But that’s not the only thing she wanted.”
“Why is this all so complicated?” I mumbled, more to myself than to her.
“We can’t help who we fall in love with, can we?”
“’Specially not someone like Phoebe.” I sighed. I shoulda known gettin’ involved with her would only lead to heartbreak. She wasn’t the sort of person you could love without it becomin’ all-consumin’. And she burned so brightly, it only made sense she couldn’t burn for long. Even knowin’ that, I couldn’t regret the years we’d had.
“I can’t believe she made me admit this to you.” After a moment, Angel chuckled. “It was always my job to meddle.”
“I’m sorry I can’t fulfill that wish for her. It’s not that I don’t think you’re great, Angel. I really do. I don’t know how I woulda made it through the last year without you. It’s just that, well, I don’t know if I’ll ever love anyone the way I loved her.”
“You think I don’t know that? Do you think I don’t feel the same?”
“Then why are you pushin’ now?”
“I’m not pushing. I just want to get it all out so that we don’t have to talk about it again. Look, what Phoebe wants, Phoebe usually gets. She’s a Reede. That’s what they do. She wanted this. She wanted us. I’m willing to pretend like nothing happened if that’s what you’d rather, but maybe . . .”
I could hear how her sentence was gonna end even though she trailed off. “You’d be with me just because Phoebe wanted you to?”
“No,” she whispered, before continuing with an almost breathless, “but I’d try for her.”
I couldn’t hear it anymore. I wouldn’t ignore the pull Phoebe still had on my heart even if it was her last wish. Even as that thought raced through me, my mind filled with the memory of the months Angel and I had spent together, the way she was with the girls and the way my gaze had found its way to Angel more than any other woman. My breathin’ sped, and my eyes were drawn to her lips.
Low in my belly, I started to burn.
Without intending to, I moved closer to her.
“Maybe we should just . . .” Angel trailed off.
Before I could ask how the sentence would end, she pressed her lips to mine.
The sensation of holdin’ her in my arms as her mouth moved against me was a surprise. The way her lips pressed to mine was different, but not unpleasant. Lost in the moment, I opened my mouth and pushed my tongue forward. A shiver raced down my spine as I kissed her back with every broken piece of me. My hand found its way into her hair as I tugged her closer to me.
Lingerin’ on her tongue was the taste of our shared sorrow. For a brief moment, the tiniest second, my chest stopped burnin’, and my heart ached just a little less. That brief respite was too much. I didn’t deserve it, not if it ca
me from someone who wasn’t Phoebe. It all came floodin’ back, bringin’ with it guilt for betrayin’ my wife.
Releasin’ my hold on her, I retreated. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do this. Do us this way,” I admitted.
It mighta been what Phoebe wanted before she passed, but I couldn’t just give my heart away again. No matter what happened. It belonged to Phoebe. It always would.
“I can’t,” I repeated before I turned around and rushed from the room.
“I’m sorry,” Angel murmured from behind me.
I headed toward the livin’ room, and Cass spun to glance at me.
“Is everythin’—”
I lifted my hand to silence her. It was impossible to talk with the way I could still feel Angel’s lips pressed against mine.
“Dada dada.” Emma reached for me.
“Just a second, li’l darlin’,” I mumbled as I went past. I left the house and paced in the front yard, tryin’ to put my mind in order. My thoughts were runnin’ the gambit of everythin’. Loudest of all was how right the kiss had felt even as it had burned me.
“I don’t know what to do, darlin’,” I said to the sky, tryin’ to find the stars.
“You do,” Phoebe’s voice was in my ear. “You just don’t want to admit it to yourself.”
I growled in frustration as the voice let me down. There wasn’t any wisdom in the statement. Nothin’ like what Phoebe would actually say to me.
Was it?
Drawin’ in a breath, I tried to will all of my thoughts into silence. There was so much that the gift and subsequent kiss had stirred up within me and I wanted nothin’ more than to put the genie back in the bottle.
I came back into the house to give Emma the attention she’d asked for. Headin’ straight for her, I lifted her into my arms. When Abby pulled herself to her feet beside me, I dipped to pick her up too.
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