She pulled away and raised a hand to stop me from tryin’ again. “No. I do. I really do.”
Before I could say anythin’ more, she turned away and disappeared into her bedroom.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: LEAVIN’ HOME
FOR THE NEXT few days, Angel barely said a word to me. The longer things dragged on, the more convinced I was that she wasn’t just moving out, but that she was going to move on. I wouldn’t blame her if she did even though I couldn’t imagine life without her.
Every time she wasn’t in her bedroom, she was with the girls. Her fingers found the locket on her bracelet almost constantly and the li’l motion reminded me of the way Phoebe would play with her MedicAlert bracelet whenever she was nervous.
“I’m gonna miss ya, sweetness,” I said.
Angel stiffened and nodded. “I’ll miss you too, but you do understand, don’t you?”
“Angel, how long have I known ya?”
A sad smile crossed her lips. “A while.”
“So, yeah, I understand, even if I wish it could be different. You’re like Phoebe—you have too much love to give that it hurts you not to be able to share it.”
“I should probably let you know I’ve found another place. They’re comin’ to pick me up in an hour.”
The air left my lungs. It seemed far too soon and I wasn’t ready to let her go. I couldn’t ask her to stay though, not without givin’ her more. And I couldn’t do that because she was right. I owed her more than a half-life filled with friendship but not romantic love.
“I’m sorry, Beau. I shouldn’t have complicated everything.”
Ignorin’ her flinch, I moved closer to her and kneeled on the floor at her feet. “Come back anytime to see the girls, and I’d still love to take you on vacation still.”
“I don’t know if that would be a good idea. I’ll send you all the links to the stuff I’ve organized though, and I’ll pay you back for the tickets.”
“No. It was a gift, and I’d still like ya to use it, but if you don’t, I ain’t gonna take any payment for it.”
“I can probably get your money back on some of the—”
I shook my head to cut her off. “Leave it all. If you decide you wanna go, be at the airport. If you ain’t there, I’ll understand.”
She screwed her mouth into a tight frown before noddin’. “I better go get my stuff organized before Logan arrives.”
I clenched my jaw that she was gonna be headin’ to the house of the guy who’d gotten her drunk and taken advantage of her. My heart raced as I wondered whether he was as bad as Xavier and Bee—whether Angel could get hurt the same way Phoebe had.
More than just jealousy and fear ate at me though. My heart ached at the thought of her not bein’ there for me every day. “Stay? Please?”
“I can’t.”
“The girls will really miss ya.”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “The girls . . .” she muttered under her breath before addin’, “I’ll miss them both too.”
She disappeared to her bedroom and didn’t come out again until she had her suitcases in her hand. Walkin’ straight past me, she gave each of the girls a kiss and a cuddle. When she straightened, tears were in her eyes and she was clearly fightin’ back some sobs.
The moment she closed the door, my heart ripped in two.
In tryin’ to avoid drama, I had invited it in. I’d lost her. I closed my eyes and repeated to myself that I was doin’ the right thing. The girls needed stability and if Angel couldn’t commit to that without chasin’ more, it wouldn’t have been stable for long anyway. Better for it to happen now while the girls were still young enough not to be affected.
The first mornin’ I woke up without her in my house, it hit me hard that she had moved out. That I didn’t know when I might see her again. It was worse when Abby screamed for her. When the girls ganged up on me durin’ lunch to scream and sob and throw their food. By the time I crawled into bed that first night, my eyes burned and my heart ached. It wasn’t as bad as my first day without Phoebe in some ways, but in others it was so much harder because I had no support.
I spent the next few weeks tryin’ ta ignore the stingin’ in my heart as all the worst one-year milestones rolled around. Each mornin’, I woke and missed havin’ Angel there. I missed her again each time the girls did somethin’ I wanted to show her. Because of the reminders of what had happened the year before, and not havin’ my partner in crime, I didn’t even want to celebrate the girls’ birthday. It was too much to deal with. Alyssa wouldn’t let that happen though, so she and Beth put together a party at their house.
When Angel walked in, I tried not to let my gaze trail her every step. It was the first glimpse I’d have of her in weeks and I drank it in like she was a glass of Fireball. I tried not to be hyper-aware of every moment she was near the girls. It took everythin’ in me, but I even tried not to let my emotions take hold when she left again without sayin’ more than a few words to me.
Before I knew it, it was time to head off on my vacation. With the girls in their stroller and the suitcases behind me, it was a bit of a nightmare headin’ through the airport and all I could think of was how much I missed Angel.
How much I missed her smile.
How much I missed her banter.
How much easier she woulda made everythin’.
Her name had barely passed through my mind when I heard her voice. “Beau!”
I closed my eyes, knowin’ my mind was playin’ tricks on me just like it had when it had imagined Phoebe callin’ to me at the airport in Charlotte.
“Beauregard Miller, would you stop walking so I can catch up?”
I spun in place and found Angel runnin’ toward me, draggin’ her suitcase behind. She’d cut off the bleached ends of her hair, so it sat roughly shoulder-length and was all a warm golden-blonde. She was even more beautiful than I remembered.
“Sweetness!” Unthinkingly, I grabbed her around her waist and spun her on the spot. When I placed her back down, my gaze skimmed her lips. “I didn’t think you were gonna come.”
“I almost didn’t, but then I thought of you trying to drag those girls around everywhere and worried that you’d lose one of them in Disneyland or something. I’d never forgive myself if they were hurt because I wasn’t with you.”
“I think I’m all right on my own with my daughters.”
“And I think it’ll be easier for you if they can’t gang up on you.”
I chuckled. “You’re probably right there. Your hair looks stunnin’ by the way.”
After thankin’ me, she went around to the front of the stroller and kneeled in front of the girls. “Hey, babies.”
They both squealed and giggled at the sight of her. It was clear they’d missed her as much as I had. She completed their lives just as readily as she did mine.
I closed my eyes and reminded myself that it was for the best that she wasn’t there. I didn’t want to move on from Phoebe—I wasn’t ready.
After greetin’ each of them in turn, Angel stood and grinned at me. “Now, what can I take?”
“Can you push the girls? I’ll take your suitcase on the cart.”
For the rest of the wait and the entire plane ride, I was relieved I had Angel at my side. Between diaper changes, food, screamin’ at take-off and again when we were in the air, it woulda been difficult to do it all on my own. Maybe not impossible, but definitely harder than it was with her by my side.
It proved what I’d thought for a while. She completed our picture.
I sighed, knowing it was a useless thought.
While Angel and the girls slept, I tried and failed to lose myself in the onboard entertainment. Instead, I found my gaze drawn to Angel. Each time it was, I lingered on her features. I longed to touch her like we had for years—to hold her when she was sad, to brush the hair off her face, or to caress her cheek and tell her how beautiful she was.
I yanked my gaze away from her and stared at the
screen again. We’d been down that path and it hadn’t worked. She mighta been beautiful. She mighta been a dream and the best person to raise the kids with. Neither of those things meant I could kiss her without feelin’ guilty though.
After the almost fourteen-hour flight, I was ready to get to our hotel in Anaheim to try to catch up on the sleep I missed. I grabbed the rental car and set the address in the navigation system.
For the next ten days, we ticked off the itinerary Angel had set. A few days in Disneyland, a drive-by the Grand Canyon, a visit to Graceland and to Nashville, as well as a number of other stops along the way.
We arrived in Lakemont two days before my birthday. Just like they had last time I was there without her, memories of Phoebe haunted every corner of the Lake Retreat. The feelin’ of missin’ her was made better and worse all at once when Mitch told me he had set aside my old house for us to stay in. That was the place of so many memories, and I wasn’t gonna be able to ignore any of them. We coulda insisted on another room, but we probably woulda needed two in order to have enough beds and space. Plus, they woulda probably had to put us up in the newest structure—a second glass behemoth set in a position to the first that formed a V-shape around the forest in front of the lake.
“How are you going, Beau?” Angel asked when I stalled after takin’ off my jacket mere steps into the house.
I blew out a breath. “I thought this was gonna be easier, but it ain’t.”
She rested her head on my back, but didn’t use her arms to comfort me. “One day, it’ll be easier.”
I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the way her breath felt through my shirt. The way her tiny touches affected me more and more with every minute we spent together after the time we’d had apart. The way her smile lifted some of the weight from my heart.
“Yeah,” I murmured, before steppin’ away. We didn’t even discuss which rooms we were gonna take, I just returned to my old bedroom and Angel took the same spare room she’d used the last time she was there.
Before long, Angel and I were takin’ the girls on a walk around the paths leadin’ to the pier to see what other changes had been made. That was where Mitch found us to announce that he’d arranged a bonfire for my birthday.
“I was wonderin’ if we could push you and Angel to sing ag’in? We got some great feedback last time.”
“I don’t know—”
“I’d love to,” Angel said.
“What about the girls?”
“Bring ’em with you for dinner and then Cass can take them back to the house with Hope if you want to hang around later.”
I glanced at Angel who nodded to encourage me.
“Let me guess, I’m gonna have everyone hasslin’ me if I say no?” I asked.
“You’ve got that right, Cass was practically leapin’ outta her skin when Joe suggested it.”
“I’ll think about it, okay?”
“Can’t ask for more than that, I guess,” Mitch replied.
When Mitch headed off to go back to work, I pushed the girls closer to the pier. If I closed my eyes, I coulda gone back six years to a time when this was my home and my foster sister was still alive. I used to push her down the same paths. How much had changed since then? How much of it would I take back if I could?
The truth was there was very li’l I would change. Phoebe’s captivity. Her death. Upsettin’ Angel and makin’ her feel like she needed to move out.
“Where’d you go just now?” Angel’s voice called me back to the present.
“Just thinkin’ about the past, and the future.”
“Uh oh. That sounds dangerous.”
“Yeah. I ain’t lookin’ forward to the day our vacation is over.”
“Not looking forward to getting back to real life?”
“Not lookin’ forward to havin’ to say goodbye.” I looked at the newly constructed buildin’ instead of Angel.
“Beau, I—”
“I ain’t sayin’ you should move back in, sweetness. I know nothin’ has changed.” I turned back toward her, liftin’ my hand to caress her cheek the way I’d wanted to for the whole trip. “I’m just sayin’ I’m gonna miss ya when we go back to our lives. It ain’t the same without you.”
Her green irises focused hard on me for a moment before she turned away. “Yeah.”
To avoid continuin’ the awkward conversation, I focused on pushin’ the stroller again.
By the time we made it to the new pier, I was ready to try to shake off the mood. Angel didn’t seem quite so willin’ to let it go though.
She closed her eyes and faced the wind blowin’ over the lake. “I can feel her here. It almost feels like we brought her with us.”
I thought about the ring I had in my suitcase. I’d debated leavin’ it at home, but it was an easy way to carry a piece of Phoebe with me. A small grin crossed my lips. “Yeah. It does.”
“We should take the girls to that clearing where Phoebe and I had our picnic.”
My grin grew at the memory. “Maybe tomorrow. For now, let’s get some dinner and some rest. It’s been a busy few weeks.”
“Definitely.”
We ate in the Kitchen before headin’ back up to the house. I kept the girls in my bed until they fell asleep before movin’ them onto two small rollout beds set up in my room. The rollouts were closer to the ground if the girls rolled too much, and the door to my room was too hard for them to open, so I didn’t need to worry about them escapin’ into the rest of the house or worse—out onto the property.
When I woke, the girls were both in my bed. One was tucked onto either side of me.
“Hey, li’l darlin’s,” I said as I woke them both accidentally when I tried to climb out of bed. “What are ya doin’ in my bed?”
I tickled Abby’s sides and blew a raspberry against Emma’s belly. They both giggled and squealed.
“Knock, knock,” Angel called through the door.
“Come in, sweetness!” I called back. “Look what I found in my bed.”
When Angel came in, Abby lifted her arms and said, “Sweeswee.”
I had to hide a smile that she’d used that word.
Angel’s expression dropped, as if she couldn’t believe what she’d heard. “Did she just—” She cut herself off with a shake of her head. “She couldn’t have.”
“She said sweetness,” I said, offerin’ my hand to Angel to draw her onto the bed.
Angel ignored my hand, but went to Abby’s side. She murmured some words to Abby as she lifted her off the bed and spun in a li’l circle.
“How about we look at gettin’ some breakfast?” I asked.
“Sounds good.”
We spent the day leadin’ the girls around the resort, takin’ them through the forests and havin’ a picnic in the clearin’ where Phoebe and Angel had once spent time together. Both Abby and Emma looked like two li’l snowmen in their warm coats and tights.
After our day explorin’, we had dinner with Cass, Joe, and Hope in the Kitchen. Bein’ near Cass had reminded me of the words she’d said to me about the way she’d fallen in love with Joe. I still refused to acknowledge them entirely though. Instead, I turned the talk onto her pregnancy.
It was an almost perfect day, and by the end of it, I didn’t want anythin’ to change. More than ever before, I wanted Angel home with us. After the girls were in bed that night, I told Angel how I felt.
“But nothing has changed,” she said. “Has it?”
I shook my head.
“Then I can’t, and I’m not saying that to be cruel. Please believe that. I just can’t put myself in situations where I’m spending every second pining for things that I can’t have. I did that with Phoebe, and I almost screwed up our friendship because of it.”
“But we ain’t talked at all while you’ve been away and I’ve missed ya. The girls have missed ya. You’re part of our lives.”
She moved over to me, placin’ one hand on either side of my face. She rested her forehead against
my lips. “I really wish that was enough. And I wish I didn’t see things that don’t exist every time I look in your eyes”
I met her gaze and every emotion I’d tried to bury over the last six months leaped into my throat as if tryin’ ta claw their way out. Unable to focus on her eyes, my gaze dropped as far as her lips. I wanted nothin’ more than to claim the pillowed skin and taste her again.
“They don’t exist. Do they, Beau?”
My heart hammered against my ribcage and I was overwhelmed.
I retreated from her. “I’ve gotta get outta here.”
She closed her eyes, bit her lip, and nodded. “Go. I’ll watch the girls.”
At her words, I raced away. I closed the door behind me and moved in the direction of the lake. I didn’t stop or hesitate to question where I was going to go.
There was only one place I needed to be.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: GOODBYE
I WOUND MY way through once-familiar pathways down to the pier. If Phoebe was alive, she woulda known where I was goin’. She woulda been right behind me, ready to comfort me. She woulda been ready to follow me out onto the lake even if the idea terrified her.
Before I’d considered whether it was the best idea, I unmoored the little rowboat and pushed it away from the dock. It didn’t take long to row out into the middle of the lake. To the place where I’d last come with Phoebe at my side. A place where we’d found peace and learned more about each other. It featured in so many special moments—near the start of our new relationship, days before she disappeared, and again in the hours before we were married.
I moved to lie on the floor of the boat. It wasn’t nearly as comfortable as the last time. Not only was I missin’ the blanket we’d had the previous times, I was missin’ the one thing that had improved my entire life.
Phoebe.
Findin’ somethin’ like freedom and solitude for the first time since the funeral, I let go of everything I’d been holdin’ together for our daughters. I rested my head back against the floor of the boat and let my tears fall. I let loose the howl that had twisted in my heart since the moment she’d passed. I’d suffered a few losses in my life—ones I’d thought I’d never recover from—but none hurt nearly half as much as losin’ her.
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