Base Ball Dads

by Matthew Hiley

  Already did. Stay calm. Dave, time to ditch the van and burn it.

  RUSS:

  Oh my God. There’s a dude in my bed again.

  DAVE:

  I don’t have intrneet. Whut happnd?

  RUSS:

  Oh Jesus, this guy looks like he’s 80 years old! WTF?

  DAVE:

  Don’t unnerstand.

  RUSS:

  NAKED OLD LADY! NAKED OLD LADY! Oh, thank God, it’s a naked old lady.

  DWAYNE:

  Dave, drop whatever you’re doing, put your motorcycle in your van, take the van a long way away in the middle of nowhere, pour gasoline all over it, light it, and haul ass on your motorcycle. Now.

  RUSS:

  Holy shit. This old lady has really short hair. I totally thought she was a dude. Must wear a wig or something. I had to pull the covers back to see what I was working with.

  TOMMY:

  Damn. It’s in the news, Dave. Cops are investigating. Looking for your van. Don’t forget to take your license plates off before you burn it, but for God’s sake, get off your ass and go burn it.

  STEVE:

  I don’t think we should be texting about all this.

  DWAYNE:

  Right. No more texting. Erase these messages.

  RUSS:

  Wow. This old lady is a deep sleeper.

  DWAYNE:

  Okay, Jedi Alliance, we’re cool, okay? Just remember that. No one has seen anything. Everyone play dumb if anyone asks questions.

  STEVE:

  Oh God. Are we going to prison???

  RUSS:

  HA! I totally just slapped this old lady, and she’s still snoozing away! What a dumbass!

  DWAYNE:

  Relax, Steve. They have no leads. You don’t know anything, okay?

  DAVE:

  I’m leeving now. I’ll tekst you guys when its dun.

  TOMMY:

  No shit, Stevie. Don’t lose your shit. We’re going to be fine.

  RUSS:

  HOLY FUCK. SHE’S DEAD.

  DWAYNE:

  Thanks, Dave. Talk to you later. Take the back roads.

  DWAYNE:

  Wait, what?

  TOMMY:

  What’s Russ talking about?

  STEVE:

  GODDAMMIT! AGAIN!

  RUSS:

  Dave? You still there? I need you to grab something from my house before you torch the van.

  TOMMY:

  Oh Jesus.

  STEVE:

  WHY IS THERE A DEAD OLD LADY IN YOUR BED, RUSS???

  RUSS:

  I’m not sure, you fucking Democrat. Maybe she did too much blow. Maybe it was the ecstasy, or the acid. Could’ve been anything. Congenital heart disease. Scurvy. I don’t know what kind of shit old people get. Whatever it was, she went out rockin’. Better than Matlock, I fucking promise.

  DWAYNE:

  Dave, stop by Russ’s house please.

  DAVE:

  On my way, boss.

  DWAYNE:

  We’ll talk tonight, guys. I’m probably renting a limo, so get ready to party.

  RUSS:

  Always.

  TOMMY:

  See you then.

  STEVE:

  That’s FOUR now, guys.

  DAVE:

  LLO.

  DAVE:

  Sorry. OL.

  DAVE:

  Goddammit. I meen LOL.

  DAVE:

  Bye.

  39.

  Dwayne spent the day doing the things he loved. He hit the batting cages with Alex and Estelle for a couple of hours, then shared a great lunch at Alex’s favorite hibachi grill, followed by a full family race around the go-kart track. Other families seemed to stare at them, hoping to someday reach that level of happiness.

  In between events, Dwayne coordinated the disposal of a body, the torching of a vehicle used in a homicide, and the rental of a limousine for the fundraiser that evening. In a twisted way, Dwayne almost wanted to go to the gala now. He knew, somewhere deep inside, that the smart thing to do would be to lie low and not draw attention.

  But a Jedi Alliance was hard to hide.

  That evening, ready for the gala fundraiser, Estelle looked like a goddess in her formfitting peach-colored Oscar de la Renta dress and diamond-drop necklace. Her ass popped out immaculately with every step she took.

  “Oh my God, babe,” Dwayne said. “How did I ever get so lucky?”

  Estelle blushed. “You don’t look too shabby yourself. I’m glad everything fits.”

  Dwayne didn’t dress up often. Estelle had purchased an insanely expensive outfit for him at Neiman’s, which he now wore. He had never heard of any of the fine Italian brands he was sporting.

  The limousine arrived shortly after the babysitter. Dwayne had spent an hour prerolling thirty joints for the evening. He had five bottles of his favorite Scotch, three bottles of champagne, and a case of his favorite Cabernet.

  “You think this will be enough, babe?” he asked Estelle as she climbed into the limo.

  “Better to have too much than not enough, sweetie,” she replied.

  “God, I love you,” he said back, touching her cheek.

  The driver shut the door behind them and hopped in the front. He revved up the engine and took off down the road.

  “Yo, driver,” Dwayne called out to the front of the vehicle as they headed to Tommy’s house. “What’s your name, bro?”

  The driver lowered the window that separated the passengers from himself. So far, the driver hadn’t attempted small talk. No bullshit. Dwayne liked him.

  He was an extremely short Asian kid dressed in a black suit, white shirt, and black driving hat. He wore black driving gloves to complete the look. He appeared to take his job seriously. Dwayne figured he was maybe twenty years old.

  “Name’s Uzi, sir,” the kid said.

  “Cool name,” Dwayne replied. “Where you from? What got you into this line of work?”

  “I’m from LA, sir,” Uzi spoke into the rearview mirror as he drove. Dwayne thought he could see a neck tattoo creeping above Uzi’s collar.

  “I built street racers out there since I was fourteen. Got pretty heavy into the underground racing scene. Always loved to drive. I needed to get out of town and lay low for a while. I headed to Texas. Figured this was at least a job I could do and stay behind the wheel.”

  “That’s badass, man,” Dwayne said. “Pretty big change in performance levels between a street racer and a limo, though, I’d assume.”

  Uzi smiled confidently. “It’s always the driver, sir. It’s rarely the car. You’d shit a brick if I showed you what I can do with this thing. Oh, dammit. Pardon my language, sir.”

  Dwayne definitely liked this kid. “I’m looking forward to it,” he said to Uzi. “And don’t worry about the language. I’m guessing the group you’re driving tonight is going to be a lot different than the groups you normally drive. We’re going to get along just fine. I’ll go ahead and warn you about Russ, though. He’ll be the short, fat, hairy guy with the stripper wife. I’m going to tip you really well at the end of the evening … but I’ll tip you a lot more if you don’t take any shit from him.”

  “Understood, sir.”

  “I’m not sir. I’m Dwayne, and it’s good to meet you, Uzi. Please excuse all of the drugs in your limo tonight. We’ll pass the joints your way too. And don’t roll that window divider up. You’re one of us now.”

  Uzi nodded.

  They arrived at Tommy’s house. Tommy and Kelly Johnson came through their front door looking like the epitome of American success. Tommy was dressed in a slender-cut black Prada suit, a thin black Tom Ford tie, and Gucci shoes. Kelly looked stunning in a dark blue low-cut Vera Wang dress that was cut high up the side to show off her gorgeous legs. Her Jimmy Choo heels made her calves look carved from stone.

  Uzi held open the limo door for the dashing pair. Dwayne and Estelle poured a glass of wine for Kelly and a tall Scotch for Tommy.r />
  The two couples managed to knock back a couple of drinks on the way to Russ’s house. They knew they’d need to be loosened up to deal with him. They had no idea what to expect from Jade. She was half their age, had lived in a trailer her whole life until her marriage to Russ, and had been an exotic dancer since she was fifteen years old.

  Russ had always been a loose cannon. He had simply become looser since the alliance formed. It concerned Dwayne. He’d have to keep an eye on him.

  The limo pulled up to Russ’s monstrosity of a home. Parked out front were Russ’s red Ferrari, Jade’s bright yellow lifted Jeep, and a fifteen-year-old tan Buick. The front door opened, and out walked Russ and Jade. Russ wore a bright blue custom-made three-piece velvet suit, a light grey silk shirt, and a silver tie. He tied the outfit together with light blue patent leather shoes. Jade was wearing an almost uncomfortably tight, tiny, sheer white dress. Her nipple rings and bright red thong were visible through it from across the yard.

  “Oh, sweet baby Jesus,” Kelly said under her breath.

  “Well? What do you think?” Russ asked. “Jade picked it out. She wanted me to dress young.”

  “Great choice, Jade,” Dwayne said, offering a thumbs-up. “He looks amazing.”

  “Pardon me, sir,” Uzi jumped in. “For the record, I’m young, and young people don’t dress like that … unless they’re in the NFL, maybe.”

  Russ glared at Uzi. “Who the fuck invited the Chinese midget?” Russ asked.

  “I’m Korean, for the record. Name’s Uzi. What’s yours? DJ Jazzy Russ? MC Velvet?”

  Russ looked at Tommy and Dwayne, who were doing everything they could to keep a straight face. Dwayne handed a joint to Uzi.

  “Jesus, guys,” Russ said. “I really fucking like this kid. Jade, get your sweet ass in the limo. Uzi, spark that joint up and let’s get this party started.”

  Jade flashed her underwear to everyone in the vehicle several times while getting comfortable. She finally settled in next to Kelly. “I’ve never been with a black woman before,” she whispered in Kelly’s ear.

  Kelly wasn’t sure that she’d heard Jade correctly and smiled politely.

  “Hey, Russ, what’s up with the Buick in your driveway?” Dwayne inquired.

  “That belonged to Rosie, the sweet old freak that spent the night last night, God rest her soul,” he said back.

  “Oh my God, you guys,” Jade jumped into the conversation. “You should’ve seen the stuff she did with Russ! I mean, she was really old, but she was really limber too! She could put her good leg all the way behind her head!”

  Estelle and Kelly looked confused. Tommy looked nauseous.

  “Did anyone else know she spent the night at your place?” Dwayne asked.

  “No way, bro,” Russ said. “Jade picked her up at the drug store. She followed Jade home. That old broad was just looking for a party. She even let Jade wax her.”

  “It was crazy!” Jade laughed. “She was so stretchy!”

  “That’s awesome, Jade,” Dwayne said flatly. “What about the car, Russ?”

  “Dave’s coming back for it.”

  “Cool.”

  Russ pulled a pill bottle out and dumped a few pills in his hand. “Anybody want some really pure ecstasy?”

  Russ popped one in his mouth, and then set one in Jade’s hand. Everyone else passed, except for Uzi, who reached his arm to the back. Russ dropped a pill in his hand.

  Dwayne handed Russ a glass of Scotch and Estelle handed Jade a glass of red wine. Jade politely accepted the wine, and made a request to stop and get beer on the way. Uzi had gotten the joint going strong. He passed it back through the window to Tommy, who gladly toked away before passing it to the others. Russ dug around in his jacket pocket again, and this time he pulled out a small mirror, a straw, and tiny ziplock bag full of coke. He dumped the coke on the mirror, carved out a few lines, snorted two of them, and passed it to Jade. Jade blew two lines also.

  “WOOOOOHOOOOO!” she yelled. “Who’s next?”

  Dwayne, Estelle, Tommy, and Kelly all passed. Uzi reached his arm back again. She placed the mirror and straw in his hand. Five loud “snorts” came echoing from the front of the limo, and then he passed the blow back to Jade.

  “Okay, dudes, we’re at the other guy’s house now,” Uzi called out from the front.

  He pulled into Steve’s driveway and threw the limo in park. Dwayne had texted them to be ready when they left Russ’s house, so the front door opened immediately upon their arrival.

  Steve stepped out, trying way too hard to be a hipster. He wore a tight, fitted dark brown pinstripe suit with tapered pants that drew attention to how underweight he actually was. A skinny argyle tie, square spectacles on his humongous beak, and platform shoes finished off the outfit. He looked like an ad exec for NPR.

  Judith followed in an unfortunately formfitting floral dress. Her legs had never looked so large. She was trying something new with a short hairdo and had it spiked out in all directions.

  “Christ,” Russ mumbled to the others. “It looks like a goddamn wildebeest got tangled in the drapes and electrocuted. Holy balls, that’s hideous.”

  “Come on, Russ,” Jade said. “Not everyone can look as delicious as Kelly.” Jade placed her hand on Kelly’s thigh and winked at her while licking her lips.

  Kelly looked across to Tommy. The expression in her eyes was a plea for help.

  Tommy mouthed the words “I’m in” back to Kelly. He held up three fingers and nodded his head. Kelly frowned back at him.

  Uzi opened the limo door for Steve and Judith. Judith froze when a thick cloud of pot smoke came billowing out.

  “Is that pot smoke, guys?” she called disapprovingly into the limo.

  “Yup!” Russ answered. “But if pot’s not your thing, I’ve got blow, acid, and ecstasy. So slide that welfare-recipient-loving social worker ass of yours on in here, Judith. Let’s party.”

  Judith reluctantly climbed in.

  “Well, we’re all here now,” Russ said. “Let’s get the champagne flowing!”

  Russ poured the bubbly into two glasses. No one noticed when he dropped an ecstasy pill into each glass. “Steve and Judith,” Russ announced, “you two are first with the champagne.”

  Glasses were filled for the rest of the passengers, and of course, the driver. All nine raised their champagne flutes and clinked them together.

  “Champagne for my real friends,” Dwayne toasted, his glasses still held high. “And real pain for my sham friends.”

  40.

  Dwayne asked Uzi to make a few laps around downtown Fort Worth before dropping the crew off at the “Helping Hands for the Homeless” benefit, which was being held in the ballroom of the historic Grand Marquis hotel. He wanted to make sure they had killed at least two of the bottles of Scotch and ten or so joints.

  Everyone in the vehicle had become high as fuck, whether they actually smoked the joints or not. Judith and Steve had begun to seem exceedingly friendly due to the ecstasy they were unaware they’d consumed. Russ managed to pop two hits of acid while no one was looking. Uzi had the stereo volume all the way up.

  The Jedi Alliance arrived at the benefit easily an hour after it had kicked off. The limo hopped halfway up the curb as Uzi screeched it to a halt by the valet stand. The valets dove out of the way so as not to be killed. Jade stood halfway out of the sunroof with her arms raised high, banging her head to Guns N’ Roses, with pot smoke pouring out around her like special effects from a heavy metal video. When the valets opened the limo door, Judith, who had been leaning against it, fell out backward, doing a back somersault onto the sidewalk. And no one was laughing about it harder than Judith. She was snorting, in tears, wheezing, just laying on her back and flashing her large underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. Everyone finally came stumbling out after her, trying to catch their breath, still laughing hysterically.

  Dwayne held Estelle back as the other six entered the hotel. He pulled her in closely, and
they put their arms around each other like the true lovebirds they’d become.

  “Are you ready for this, babe?” he asked her with genuine concern.

  “Ready for what, hot stuff?” she replied.

  “Well, we both know what’s coming here. We both know who most of these people are deep down. We’ve been playing on their side of the field for a while. It’s all changed now, though. You know how these women turn on people. You know they’ll be talking. That’s what shitty, rotten souls do. They sit around and talk. They’ll be friendly. They’ll say hi. They’ll chat for a while. But when you walk away—”

  “I know, sweetie. Happiness drives them crazy. The idea that I don’t care if they approve of me really eats at them. I’m not one of them anymore. And I’ve never been happier. Ever. I’m your Princess Leia. I’m your Catwoman. I’m in love. I wear it as a badge of honor that I no longer fit in with those catty, unhappy bitches.”

  Estelle gave Dwayne a big squeeze.

  “Okay, babe, I just wanted to make sure. And so you know, Batman is going to fight a ton of crime in your panties tonight.”

  “That sounds fun, babe, but I’m not wearing any panties.”

  She leaned up and gave Dwayne a quick nibble on his bottom lip, offered a sexy glance into his eyes, and walked off toward the door. Dwayne followed close behind, slightly aroused, with the full knowledge that at some point during the fundraiser he’d be pushing her into a secluded space somewhere and ravaging her.

  Estelle and Dwayne joined the rest of the group at the bar. Jade had ordered everyone a round of buttery nipple shots. Before they navigated the crowd toward their table, Jade made sure to hand a shot personally to Kelly. “Do you like buttery nipples, Kelly?” Jade asked. “Because I have some butter back at my place.”

  The buffet was top-notch. The most respected chefs from South Africa, Italy, and Chile had been flown in on private planes to prepare rare cuisine from around the world. The dishes being served, the fundraiser’s website bragged, averaged over $1000 per plate, while the wine being offered cost $500 per glass, and the brandy hung in at around $350 per shot.

  Next to the buffet was an elaborate water bar. The water was 100 percent unfiltered, made from melted ice taken from the summit of Mount Everest. An elite team of native Himalayan Sherpas had made several trips up to gather the ice using specially designed containment packs. They carried it down in small portions to the base camp, where they were met by hikers who would transport the delicacy to a jet in town. The Sherpas who actually gathered the ice were serving as water bartenders, explaining the process through interpreters.