by E. L. Todd
He grabbed her chin and directed her look on him. “I love you, baby. I’m sorry about what I did, but I was drunk and can’t remember anything that happened. I just know that I fucked her. It meant absolutely nothing to me.”
“Then why did you throw us away for it?”
He sighed. “I was drunk. It was a stupid mistake and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”
“I can’t just let it go and pretend it didn’t happen.”
“I’m not asking you to. Just try again with me. Just try.”
She was quiet for a long moment. “No.”
“Don’t you miss me? I miss you every day.”
“I used to miss you. But now I miss the time we had together, not you as a person.”
He cupped her face and held her forehead to his. “I can make you miss me. I can be everything you want me to be. All you have to do is let me try.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes. “You can keep asking me over and over but it will change nothing. I suggest you move on and find someone else. I’m not coming back. You already lost me. All you’re doing is causing yourself more pain. I don’t want you to be in pain.”
He closed his eyes and held her close. A tear dripped from his eye but he wiped it away. Sydney closed her eyes, unable to watch any longer.
“Stop making me hurt you,” she whispered.
He sniffed then kissed her on the forehead. “I know I don’t deserve you but I want to deserve you.”
“I’ll always love you, Aaron.”
“I love you, Sydney.”
“Please stop chasing me.”
He sighed. “There’s nothing I can do?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Okay.”
She looked at his lips and he looked at hers. The waves crashed over their feet and the wind rustled their hair. Sydney placed her hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat under her palm. It was as powerful as the tide. He placed his hand on her cheek then his thumb on her bottom lip. His blue eyes shined bright from the distant bonfires.
“I want to kiss you one last time.”
She said nothing, wanting him to.
He rubbed his nose against hers then pressed his lips to her mouth. The heat of his skin made her shake. He slipped his tongue inside of her and she moaned at the feel of him. She had been celibate for six months and missed being touched like this. When she realized what she was doing and where it would lead, she pulled away.
His lips were still open, missing her. “Have you been with anyone since we broke up?”
“No.”
“Do you miss it?”
She crossed her arms over chest, knowing exactly what he was asking. “Yes.”
“I do too.” He stared into her eyes, placing his hands in his pockets. “I would like to do that once more too.”
She looked away. “That can’t happen.”
“Why? Just one more time. I’m tired of jerking off when I think about you.”
His words made her skin tingle. “No. You know what will happen.”
“What?”
“We’ll get back together.”
“And what’s bad about that?”
“I don’t want that.”
“But you still love me.”
“I’ll always love you, Aaron. But it wouldn’t mean anything.”
“I’m okay with that.”
“I’m not.”
“Aren’t you frustrated as hell?” he asked with a laugh. “I feel like I’m going crazy.”
“I’m frustrated that you ruined something so beautiful to fuck some girl.”
He sighed. “I wasn’t in my right state of mind. I don’t even remember it.”
“That just makes it even better,” she said sarcastically.
“I will do anything to win you back. Anything.”
“Just leave me alone, Aaron.”
“Let me make love to you. I’ll prove how much I love you.”
“No.”
“Baby, please.”
“I said no. I deserve someone better than you. You will never understand how much you hurt me.” Tears sprang from her eyes. She wiped them away and hid them from his view. “I won’t do it again. I can’t. I loved you so much and you totally broke my heart. I want to be with someone that I know will never do that to me. That someone isn’t you, Aaron.”
“I wish it was.”
“But it’s not. And you should be with someone that you love so much you would never cheat on them.”
“I wouldn’t cheat on you.”
“Well, I was the lesson that you learned. Now learn from your mistake and make someone else happy. That person isn’t me.”
“Is this really it?”
“It’s been it, Aaron. We’re done—over.”
“I hate this.”
“I do too.”
“But you still love me.”
“Not like I used to.”
“Then why haven’t you been with someone else? Or are you with Henry?”
“I’m not with Henry.”
“Then you must still want me.”
“No. I just can’t sleep with someone else so quickly.”
He closed his eyes, feeling the sting. “I deserved that.”
She turned away from him then walked up the beach. “Please leave me alone. I can’t move on if you still pull me back. If you love me, you’ll let me go.”
He joined her on the beach then walked alongside her. “That’s so hard.”
“You have to.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Okay.” He grabbed her hand and held it in his own. “But you’re still mine for the next minute.”
She squeezed his hand but said nothing. When they got back to the bonfires, he turned to her and hugged her tightly. She didn’t release him and he didn’t let her go for a long time. Henry stood by and watched them.
When they pulled away, Aaron kissed her on the forehead. “Whoever gets to keep you is the luckiest man in the world.” He turned away and walked past the fires until he reached the parking lot. Sydney said nothing for a very long time. Henry wrapped his arm around her shoulder and held her close.
“Are you okay?” he whispered, alcohol heavy on his breath.
“Yes. He’s finally letting me go.”
“We’ll see.”
She said nothing.
Henry gripped her waist and pulled her into his chest, holding her tightly. She placed her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his neck, relaxing in his embrace. Nancy and the others huddled close to them but said nothing. They were all there when the breakup happened and knew how much it hurt Sydney. Henry knew it best of all.
“I got you,” he whispered.
“I know,” she said. “Thank you for being my friend.”
He stiffened at her words. “Yeah.”
She pulled away. “I’m okay. I’m just going to get a drink.”
“I can get it,” he said quickly.
She smiled. “Please. Allow me.”
He stepped back and let her go.
She walked past the fires until she came to an ice chest. It was totally empty. She moved to the next one and dug through the frozen ice until she found a bottle of beer at the bottom. When she heard yelling, she looked up.
Coen was gripping his hair while he spoke to his girlfriend. His tattoo flashed in the light of the flames. She kept wrapping her arms around him, trying to kiss him, but he kept dodging her affections. When he tried to walk away, she held him still. When he tried to move again, she slapped him across the face. Coen stilled for a moment, anger spewing from his eyes but he didn’t retaliate. He turned away again.
“Coen!”
“Let me go,” he snapped. He marched from the beach then headed toward the parking lot. She kept following him, crying the entire way.
Sydney felt sorry for the girl. She probably caught him cheating, and now he just wanted to get away
from her. Or he just dumped her after he told her he loved her just so he could sleep with her. She was hurt by Aaron, but at least she didn’t have to suffer through that. A part of her believed that Aaron really did love her, but it wasn’t enough for her. She needed something more.
4
Sydney went home and Henry followed right behind her. She told him to leave, that she would be fine alone, but he insisted. When they walked inside, Sydney washed her face and put on her pajamas before she walked into the living room. Henry was already lying on the couch with the blanket over him.
“Good night,” she said as she turned off all the lights.
“Sydney?”
“Hmm?”
“You okay?”
“I’m fine, Henry.”
“You guys talked for a long time.”
“We repeated everything that was already said.”
“You’re never getting back together?”
She ran her fingers through her hair then sighed. “No.”
He nodded. “I’m glad. You deserve someone better.”
“Thanks.”
“Someone that always stands by your side no matter what. Someone that puts you before himself, making sure you get home safe and you’re always happy.” He stared at her, waiting for her to say something. “A man who would die for you.”
She said nothing for a long time. “Thank you, Henry.”
His lips sagged in a frown as the silence dragged on between them. When she didn’t say anything further, he lay down and turned on his side. “Good night.”
She left the living room and disappeared into her bedroom. When she lay down in bed, she thought about Aaron. Their relationship was absolutely perfect. She had never been happier. But when he told her what he did, it completely turned her world upside down. It hurt more than anything. She had already experienced more pain than anyone should, but this burned like acid rain. She felt tricked. She trusted him more than anyone else, and he slid a knife in her back when she least expected it. It was a silent kill she didn’t see coming. That’s what made it worse.
She forced herself to get over him because she didn’t want to be in pain anymore. They weren’t getting back together so she couldn’t think about him anymore, but she missed their physical relationship. She wanted to be with someone in the throes of passion. She could sleep with Aaron if she wanted to, but that wouldn’t be fair to him or to her. She couldn’t please herself the way she liked so she was sexually frustrated for half a year. It was killing her. She forced herself to count sheep so she could finally fall asleep.
The next morning, she donned her swimsuit and grabbed a towel before she crept into the living room. Henry was still asleep and she didn’t want to wake him up. When she walked inside, he was already awake. He wore his swim trunks and a shirt.
He looked at her with a smile. “Going for a swim?”
“Why are you awake so early?”
He shrugged. “I rise when the sun does.”
“You wanna come?”
“Of course.” He rose to a stand then followed her out the door. When they walked down to the beach, he stripped off his shirt and revealed his naked chest. His chest was wide and his stomach was defined in muscles. Since Sydney was sexually frustrated, she looked away. Even if she wanted to sleep with Henry, she couldn’t. She would never jeopardize their friendship or hurt him. She loved him. When she dropped her towel, he stared at her body intently before he looked away. Sydney tried to act like she didn’t notice.
She ran to the water and he followed right behind her. They swam through the ocean until their feet couldn’t touch the bottom.
“How far do you want to go today?” he asked.
“Far,” she said while she stayed afloat.
“You’re crazy.”
“You don’t have to come.”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
She swam forward and he kept his pace alongside her. They swam out to the horizon, far away from the beach. They were even further out than the surfers.
“This is really dangerous,” Henry said. “You shouldn’t do this by yourself.”
“I’m fine.”
“What about sharks?”
“I’ll take my chances,” she said as she caught her breath.
“So why do you come out here?” he asked. “The view is the same as it is on the beach. And it looks better with a drink in your hand.”
“Whales are migrating this time of year.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Have you seen them before?”
“I’ve touched them.”
“What? You’ve swam with whales?”
“It’s the most amazing thing in the world.”
“That isn’t safe!”
She rolled her eyes. “I’ve never been safe.”
“Well, I can change that.”
“What?”
“Nothing,” he said. “So how long do we wait?”
“As long as it takes.”
“Well, let me know when you get tired.”
Sydney peered into the water then dipped her ear down, waiting for the typical call of the whales. When she looked at Henry, he was staring at her, watching her every move.
“What happened yesterday?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“After school. We were talking about girls and you got all weird.”
He looked away and stared at the shore for a moment. “Well, I—wasn’t going to say anything but—”
“Did you hear that?”
“What?”
She dipped her head in the water again. “They’re here.”
Henry dipped under the water and started to look around. He came back up to the surface. “Holy shit! They’re over there!” He pointed a few feet away. The dorsal fin of a blue whale protruded from the water.
She smiled. “Let’s go!”
“What?”
“Come on.” She gave his hand a squeeze then swam toward the whales.
Henry swam right after her.
Sydney dived under water and opened her eyes. It was dark so the only way she could see them was by their gigantic size. They moved through the water slowly. She kicked until she reached the side of a whale then ran her fingers across the skin. She saw Henry swim alongside her then hold onto the fin. A small calf was swimming alongside the mother and Sydney pointed at it. Henry nodded when he saw it too. When Sydney couldn’t hold her breath any longer, she swam to the surface and gasped for air. Henry popped up a moment later.
“That was fucking awesome!” he said as he slammed his hand on the surface of the water.
She laughed. “I told you!”
He swam to her and wrapped his arm around her for a moment. “Thanks for showing me that.”
She smiled. “You’re welcome. There’s nothing like it.”
He stared at her face. “No, there isn’t.”
They both turned toward the whales and watched their fins glide in the water until they moved further out to sea. They said nothing for a long time.
“Well, I’m getting tired,” Sydney said.
“Thank god. I was tired before the whales even came.”
She laughed. “Let’s go.”
They swam back to shore then collapsed on the sand, lying side by side.
Henry tried to catch his breath. “That was too cool.”
“Those whales are too cool.”
“Sydney?”
“Henry?”
“Even though that was amazing, you really shouldn’t do that alone. It isn’t safe. Something could happen to you and no one would ever know.”
She said nothing.
He sighed. “I know nothing I say will change your mind because you’re unbelievably stubborn, but I mean it. Please think about it.”
“Your words will be considered.”
He rolled his eyes. “I admire your bravery and independence, but don’t let it turn into pure stupidity.”
“I can take care of myself, Henry.” S
he rose from the sand then walked to her towel. After she dried herself off, she looked at him. He quickly looked away, acting like he hadn’t just been staring at her.
He rose to a stand. “Now I’m starving.”
“Me too.”
“What are you making?”
“I’m too tired to cook. Let’s go somewhere.”
“Deal.”
After they dried off, Sydney threw on a dress and Henry pulled on his shirt then they left for the Tiki Diner. When they walked inside, they both fell into a booth, exhausted.
The waitress came over and eyed their slumped shoulders and drooping eyes. “It’s pretty early in the morning to be so tired.”
Sydney smiled. “We were swimming with whales.”
“Ooh. That sounds like fun.”
“It was awesome,” Henry said.
“What can I get you kids?”
“I’ll have a waffle,” Sydney said.
“The number three,” Henry said as he handed her his menu. “And two coffees, please.”
“Coming right up,” she said as she walked away.
Henry stared at Sydney for a long time. “What do you want to do for the rest of the day?”
“Well, I have to call my mom and I have an—errand to run.”
“An errand?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I come?”
“Uh—no. It’s personal.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“What are you going to do for the day?”
“Check for posted grades every ten minutes.”
She laughed. “I thought you wanted to enjoy your weekend.”
“I just want to get it over with. If I got a C, I would be happy.”
“I would pass out.”
“Well, you shouldn’t because it would obviously be a mistake.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m not as smart as everyone thinks.”
The waitress brought their food and they ate in silence. Henry practically inhaled his breakfast while Sydney poked at her waffle.
“You aren’t hungry?” he asked.
She was never hungry before she had to call her mother. It made her stomach turn inside out. “Not really.”
“We just burned like ten thousand calories.”
She smiled. “I know. I’ll be hungry later.”