by E. L. Todd
“Well, goodnight.”
“Yeah,” he said with a sad voice. He turned around and walked back to his car. The obvious slump of his shoulders and the slow movement of his legs told Sydney everything she needed to know. He was completely heartbroken over her rejection. She hated seeing him in pain, but she didn’t know what else to do.
He got inside his car then drove away without looking at her. She stood on her front porch for a long time, listening to the waves in the distance and the crickets rubbing their legs together. She feared that she would lose their friendship eventually, especially after he found out about Coen. When the tears started to fall, she sat down on the stairs and held herself. The grief wouldn’t stop. She automatically pulled out her phone and called Coen even though she didn’t know what she would say.
“Is everything okay, baby?” he asked with a deep voice. She could tell that he just woke up by his deep breathing. He sighed deeply as his mind started to awaken.
“No,” she whispered through her tears.
“It didn’t go well, I take it?”
She said nothing.
“I’m on my way.”
“Okay.”
She stayed on the phone and heard him change then grab his keys. When she heard the sound of an engine, she knew he was on his way. They said nothing as he drove to her house, just listening to each other breathe. She kept her whimpers to a minimum because she hated crying. It was weak and pathetic.
When he pulled up to the dirt road, they still didn’t hang up. He parked the car then shut the door behind him. The phone was still pressed to his ear as he walked toward her. He was wearing a shirt that had the sleeves cut off and running shorts. Even though he was in sleepwear, he looked sexy. His hair was messy, sticking out everywhere, and his eyes were slightly droopy. His arms moved slightly as he walked toward her, showing the definition of his muscles. When he reached her, he hung up then slid the phone into his pocket along with his keys.
“Hey,” she whispered.
He kneeled down in front of her. “Let’s lay down.”
“Okay,” she said weakly.
He grabbed her hands and pulled her to a stand. He followed as she walked inside and they headed to her bedroom. Even though they were going into her room, she didn’t feel uncomfortable being so intimate with him. It felt right.
He shut the door behind him and took off his shirt then his shorts, standing in his boxers.
Sydney was too depressed to feel lustful toward him, but she did notice the lines of his stomach and his small hips. He reached her and unbuttoned her jeans then pulled them off, leaving her standing in her underwear. He pulled her shirt off then stared at her for a moment, desire shining in his eyes.
“Beautiful,” he whispered.
She grabbed his shirt from the floor. “Can I wear this?”
He smiled. “Why?”
“It smells like you.”
“I’ll be lying right next to you.”
“I still want to.”
“Keep it,” he said as he kissed her on the head.
“Really?”
“It’s yours.”
He walked to the bed then got under the covers. She had a queen sized bed that sat in the center of the room. The wooden headboard contrasted against the white color of the walls. When he lay down, the bed looked small because he took up most of it. He was much taller and bigger than she was. With him, she felt tiny.
He patted the bed. “Come on.”
She crawled beside him and wrapped her arm around his stomach, her head resting on his wide chest. He was warm and soft. She could lie there for days and never move.
His hand ran through her hair. “So, what happened?”
“He was crushed.”
“I don’t blame him.”
“He cried.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I hate hurting him. It just completely cripples me.”
“I know,” he said as he continued to comb his fingers through her hair. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.”
“I should have.”
“You only see what you want to see in people. And you don’t realize how beautiful you are.”
She said nothing to his comment.
“Is your friendship over?”
“He said I’ll never lose him as a friend.”
“That’s good. The hardest part is over. Now he just has to move on. It’s better this way.”
She sighed. “He asked if I would go on a date with him just to see if I could feel something for him.”
Coen’s hand stiffened. “And what did you say?”
“I would think about it.”
He sat up, pushing her from his chest. “Why would you say that?” His eyes flashed in anger as he looked at her.
“He begged me to. He said that he just wants a single opportunity. Nothing is going to happen. I was just trying to humor him.”
“If he takes you out on date, he’s going to touch you, woo you, and kiss you at the end of the night. This better be a fucking joke.”
She sat up and looked at him, feeling his light shirt against her skin. “Nothing would happen. I wouldn’t let him kiss me.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m your boyfriend. He isn’t. How would you feel if I went on a date with someone? Even if I didn’t plan on kissing her?” She didn’t like that idea at all. “You can be best friends with him, hang out alone, do whatever you want because I trust you, but this is unacceptable. You go on a date with him, we’re done.”
She stared at him, seeing the certainty in his eyes. There was no point in arguing with him. He had a valid point.
“I’m already your closet boyfriend, which I can’t stand, but I refuse to let this happen. So what’s it going to be?”
She leaned in and kissed his lips gently. “You’re right. I’ll tell him no tomorrow.”
He took a deep breath. “Thank you.”
“I wouldn’t want you to go on a date with someone else.”
“It will just give him false hope, Sydney. Even if he begs you, you have to be strong. It isn’t going to happen. He needs to move on. I know it’s painful, but you’re just making this harder for him.”
“I know.”
He kissed her on the forehead. “Thank you. I thought I was going to have to spend all night trying to convince you. I can tell you have a hard head.”
“I’m stubborn when I believe in my decision. When you explained your feelings about it, I understood. You’ve been very patient and understanding of this entire ordeal.”
“Very patient,” he said with a smile. “I really want to sit next to you in class, walk you to your next period, hold your hand during lunch, and kiss you whenever I fucking feel like it.”
“Me too.”
“Henry is going to find out eventually. Just tell him the truth. It will be painful, but it will help him move on. When he sees you with me, he’ll know that I make you happy.”
“No. I can’t do that. Give him some time.”
He sighed in frustration.
“I’m sorry.”
“I meant what I said. I won’t put up with this for long. I hate being a secret.”
“That’s fine. I don’t want you to be a secret either.”
“Okay.” He lay down and cradled her to his chest. “Thank you for calling me.”
“Thank you for coming.”
“I’ll always come.”
She hugged him tightly, feeling the muscles over his ribs. “You make me feel safe. I’ve never felt that way before.”
He ran his fingers through her hair. He said nothing for a long time. She knew he was thinking about her unknown attacker. She waited for him to ask who the culprit was, but he never did, just like he promised. She didn’t want to tell him the truth but a part of her did. She would confess her secret eventually. It was just too depressing to discuss it now.
“I will protect you with my life, Sydney. But I suspect you won’t ever need me. You’re alm
ost as strong as I am.”
“I need you in other ways.”
“I like knowing that I make you feel safe.”
“Me too,” she whispered. She ran her hand along his forearm and looked at his tattoo. “What does this mean?”
He turned his forearm in her grasp. “My tat?”
She nodded.
“My dog passed away and I wanted to honor him.”
“Your dog?”
“His name was Brutus. I had him for sixteen years. He was my best friend. We grew up together. Whenever I did my homework, he sat beside me. When I came home late at night, he always sat on the porch, waiting for me. When I cried because my parents said I had to go to this horrible daycare, he licked my tears away. I miss him.”
“I’m so sorry, Coen.”
“It’s okay. He had a long and happy life. I just miss him sometimes.”
She ran her fingers over the marking. “Why is it drawn as a wolf or beast—a wild dog?”
He smiled. “He always acted tougher than he really was. He chased down dogs, fought large rodents, barked at me when I didn’t feed him quick enough, and even chewed tires off cars. And he was huge, not fat, just big. It was like living with a wild wolf. That’s how I remember him—a ferocious beast.”
His words brought tears to her eyes. When she saw the tattoo, she assumed it was something lame and stupid. She automatically judged him for it when she shouldn’t have. He was unbelievably sensitive and sweet. “I’m sorry, Coen.”
“I know,” he said as he kissed her tears away. “You don’t need to cry.”
“I can’t help it. I...I hate thinking about you being in pain.”
“It was hard for a while—the first year. Whenever I saw his feeding bowls, I started to feel the tears form. Sometimes I thought I heard his growl when he wasn’t really there. I would wake up in the middle of the night to let him out, but then I remembered he was gone. And the dreams—those always made me cry.” He paused for a second. “But now when I think about him every day, it doesn’t hurt as much. I think about all the funny or the stupid things he did. I still miss him, but now his memories make me smile. So please don’t feel sad for me. I hate it when you do that.”
“I can’t help it,” she whispered.
“You carry the weight of everyone’s grief on your shoulders. You shouldn’t. Things happen, hearts are broken, but you can’t let it break you down like this.”
She knew he was talking about Henry as well as himself. “It’s hard not to.”
He turned on his side and cupped her cheek. “I love that about you, but I hate seeing you sad.”
“I know how you feel.”
He grabbed his phone. “Would you like to see pictures?”
She smiled. “Of course.”
He showed her some pictures on his phone. Brutus was massive just like he said he was. There were pictures of him in the back of the truck or sitting on the floor.
“He was very cute.”
He laughed. “He knew he was too. That guy got anything he wanted out of me. I used to make him turkey omelets for breakfast.”
“Well, now I know why he was so fat.”
“He wasn’t fat—just muscular.”
“Uh, Coen. He was just fat.”
“No.”
She smiled at him. “I hate to break it to you.”
He shook his head. “He was just big boned and furry.”
“Whatever you say.”
He put his phone back on the nightstand. “Did you have any pets?”
“I have a lot of pets.”
“Now?”
She nodded.
“Where are they?”
“In the ocean. The aquarium. The trees.”
He smiled. “You’re such a hippy.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment. One of my pets is a dolphin. Her name is Rose.”
“Is she fat?” he teased.
“Dolphins can’t be fat.”
“They might.”
“It isn’t possible.”
“I’ll have to see for myself.”
“You wanna? I can show you.”
“Any friend of yours is a friend of mine,” he said as he rubbed his nose against hers.
Looking into his eyes made her melt. The moon shined through the window and highlighted the blue color of his irises. “Your eyes remind me of the ocean.”
“Thank you.”
“They’re beautiful.”
“Not as beautiful as you. You know what I see when I look into yours?”
“What?”
“The forest, the birds, the butterflies—nature. I see everything that is beautiful in the world. The blades of grass that line the ground, the fallen branches from trees, the grasshoppers that hide in the leaves. I see everything in you.”
Her eyes stung with tears. Nothing so beautiful had ever been said to her. “Coen—”
He kissed her. “I mean it.”
“I know.”
“You’re different than other girls. I really like you. You’re everything that I ever wanted in another person.”
“Really?”
“No. You are much more.”
She ran her fingers through his hair. “When I first saw you, I just wanted to sleep with you. You’re so sexy and fine. I fantasized about you being naked, lying on top of me. I even had a sex dream about you that made me come harder than I ever have. But now I see so much more in you, something I never imagined. You’re amazing, Coen. Nothing like what I expected.”
“I’m glad that you realize there’s more to me than sex. You aren’t like the rest of them, the girls that thought the same thing.”
“Did Audrey love you?”
He flinched. “I hate talking about her. I don’t think about her anymore.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she whispered.
“No. She never did. She liked having me around, a man on her arm. She never listened to anything I said. When I told her about Brutus, she just laughed. The only connection we ever really had was when we were in the bedroom—and that’s because we weren’t talking.”
“She’s stupid.”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“Are you still friends?”
“No.”
“Then why do I still see you with her?”
He sighed. “I’m only answering your questions so you understand that I have no feelings for her whatsoever.”
“That’s not why I’m asking. I just want to know you better.”
“She wants me back. She’s wanted me back for a long time.”
“And your rejection isn’t enough?”
“No. I took her back once. She hopes that I’ll do it again.”
Sydney ran her fingers through his hair but said nothing.
“Which is why I want to make our relationship public. She’ll finally leave me alone.”
“You know I can’t do that right now.”
“Then I’ll have to keep avoiding her as much as possible.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Was she your first?”
“No. Was Aaron yours?”
“Yes.”
“So I would be your second?”
She nodded.
“You must have really loved him, then.”
“I thought I did.”
“He’s an idiot. You’re better off with me anyway.”
She smiled. “I know I am.”
“Am I going to have to deal with him when we tell everyone?” Coen asked, his hand gliding down her neck and to her shoulder.
“He isn’t like that. He’s actually a very sweet guy.”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
“I think Henry will be a bigger problem.” Sydney didn’t want to think about that. Every time she did it made her miserable.
“I don’t think so.”
“He’ll be totally crushed.”
Coen placed his hand on her cheek. “But he won’t inte
rfere with our relationship. That guy loves you irrevocably, Sydney. I know he wants you to be happy even if it isn’t with him.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“I’ve seen him with you every day. He watches everything you do, puts you before himself in every way, even if it is just by opening a door. That guy would take a knife to the chest just to spare you any pain. He’s a good guy—I can tell. But he’ll back off once he knows the truth, which is why I think you should tell him.”
She sighed. “Let’s give him some time to adjust.”
“I love how selfless you are, but at a certain point, you have to take care of yourself first. Henry wants you to be happy. Right now, you aren’t.”
“I love him. I’ll do whatever I can to make this easier for him.”
“Nothing will make this easy. There’s no optimal choice when handling this situation. What if I talk to him?”
“Absolutely not. It has to come from me.”
“Okay.” He ran his hands up her side and rested his fingers on the skin of her ribs. “We’ll play this out however you wish.”
“Thank you.”
“Okay. It’s time for bed,” he said as he moved closer to her. “Go to sleep.”
She ran her hand across his chest and felt his shoulders. “I’m not tired.”
“Neither am I.”
“Then...why don’t we do something?”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Fooling around.”
He sighed. “I don’t trust myself with you. You make me feel things I can’t even explain. I think it’s best if we don’t. We’re lying together practically naked in a bed. It might get out of control.”
“I promise it won’t.”
He stared at her. “Last time, you asked me to fuck you, which I almost did.”
“But you didn’t. You kept your word to me. I’ll keep mine to you.”
“As tempting as that sounds, my answer is still no.”
“Please.”
He closed his eyes. “I love hearing you say that word.”
She ran her fingers through his hair. “Just kissing and touching each other over our clothes.”
“What clothes? We’re not wearing anything.”
“I promise,” she whispered.
He was quiet for a moment. “I’m trusting you.”
“And it’s well placed.”
“Okay.”
He leaned in and sealed his lips over hers, kissing her gently. The sound of their caressing lips filled her ears and made her shake. When he slipped his tongue inside, she fisted his hair, loving his taste. She pulled him on top of her. When she wrapped her legs around his waist, he ran his hands up her thigh, feeling the delicate skin.