‘I’m sorry,’ Kyle replied. He reached out a hand to her and then snatched it back quickly before she could see. He didn’t know what else to say, there was nothing else anyone could say.
‘It’s alright,’ Alice said, visibly brightening. ‘I had lots of good years with him and he even let me ride on the back of his motorbikes.’ The heat vanished from Kyle’s cheeks then; he didn’t like the idea of her riding on a motorbike, they were dangerous. ‘My grandma Jenny still lives in their house on the isle of Arran. It’s really pretty up there, though it can rain quite a bit.’
‘Isn’t that in Scotland?’ Kyle asked.
‘Yes, both my grandmas live in Scotland now. My Scottish grandma lives near Larrick, that’s like half way between Glasgow and Edinburgh,’ she said. ‘My English grandma moved up to Arran with my granddad several years ago; most of the family live up north now.’
‘Uh huh,’ Kyle said, trying his best to keep up with all of Alice’s family members, there were so many of them. He realised the daylight hours were fading and he still hadn’t done what he had set out to do. He needed to ask her now or he feared he never would.
‘Anyway, I just like to collect them,’ she said. ‘If I see a penny on the floor and I don’t know who’s dropped it then I’ll pick it up and keep it. Most people think I just like to collect coins and save them up… and maybe I should save them up for my own dreams…’ She looked distant then as she gazed out across the park, over the lake and to the trees on the far side. ‘But it’s just a piece of metal at the end of the day. The true value of money is when you can use it to help those less fortunate than you. I don’t have that sort of money, but maybe I’ll help someone else with their dreams.’ She turned to him and smiled, her lips curving up and revealing her white straight teeth. In that moment he swore he could see the purest form of Alice then, the honest and caring Alice that was the foundation of her very being.
He was staring at her, but he didn’t realise it until she closed the distance between them and kissed him suddenly on the lips. Surprise didn’t even register with him completely until she pulled away a second later. Her cheeks were a deep crimson as she looked away from him and down at her shaking palms. He put his fingertips to his lips in a daze; he could feel the slight tingle of electricity, as though all of his nerve endings were sparking and his blood pumped furiously through his veins. He suddenly reached for her hands and held them gently. Her eyes were wide and her face was glowing like a stop light. He didn’t think about it, he returned her kiss and he felt her tense for a moment before letting her muscles relax. His lips moved softly over hers, their fleshy curves and angles gliding perfectly like liquid puzzle pieces. It was a sweet, conservative kiss, neither one dared to move too fast and deepen it further. He felt her fingers lace gently through his, she wanted to hold his hands he realised and she wanted to kiss him…
Kyle blinked back the tears threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes as the train carriage came back into focus around him. He felt his shoulders tremble as he gazed back down at her book and lined up this second missing page alongside its former edge. It fitted almost perfectly and sat neatly between the surrounding dates. That memory had been so real this time, almost as though he had been right there, reliving every moment of it. He felt as if he was somewhere between subconsciousness and consciousness, his mind hovering in the thick haze before sleep. Yes, he remembered that day at the skate park; of course he remembered that day. That moment had been one of the most important moments in his life; it had left an irreplaceable mark on his heart. He flipped through the rest of the book and the dates climbed into June before he found the remnants of a third missing page. He ran his finger along the torn edge with its sharp angles and feathery curves as a question ran through his mind. Where is this page? And why had it been torn out? Why had any of the pages been torn out? He eyed the surrounding dates – the eighth and tenth of June. The missing page would have to be the ninth, just over a week before she had passed away. He went to the very end of the notebook; there were at least half, if not more, blank pages that hadn’t been decorated or filled in any way. The book was incomplete.
The last page Alice had written on carried the date the 17th June 2009, the day before she had passed away. There was a sketched drawing of him on this page; he was sat down with his knees bent up gazing off across the creamy page. He had no idea what his sketched eyes were supposed to have been looking at, only Alice would have known the answer to that. A droplet splattered onto the page, followed quickly by another and another. He sat up straighter and dabbed the moisture away from the sketch with his sleeve, then he dabbed his eyes and lifted his head as though gravity would roll the tears back into his eyes.
‘Are you alright?’ Kyle’s eyes found the man sat across from him, peering at him from over the top of his newspaper. Kyle’s face grew hot and he shut Alice’s book quickly and stuffed it back into his rucksack.
‘Yeah I’m fine, sorry,’ Kyle said quietly, avoiding the man’s gaze. He sniffled and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes, and then he folded his arms and turned to look out of the window. He began reciting facts in his head, anything to cool the heat in his cheeks and to distract himself from his memories of Alice. He had no idea why he felt so embarrassed, but he spent the rest of the journey looking anywhere but at the man sat across from him.
He arrived at the small train station in Elbridge roughly three hours later. He stepped onto the platform and groaned as he saw the thick layer of snow and ice; the winter weather had coated Elbridge too. His breath fogged up in front of his face as he made his way carefully out of the station and towards the main road. His home wasn’t far from the station so he walked slowly along the snow-pocked pavements. He passed by the skate park he had frequented with his school friends and Alice, and paused on the path. The skate park was next to a lake, and further along there were tennis courts and a children’s park. The lake was manmade and a sanctuary for waterfowl; there were a couple of walking routes around its shorelines. Today however, the edges of the lake were covered with a thin layer of ice and the ground was laden with several inches of snow. The waterfowl had all flown away or taken cover for the winter.
He couldn’t explain the madness that had taken over him, but he felt a sudden urge to go down to the ramps. He headed down some concrete steps and entered the skate park through a wire gate that had been pushed aside. The snow and ice had covered most of the grey surfaces, turning the dull and graffiti-heavy concrete into clean, cloud-like sculptures. He had always joked as a teenager that his heaven would feature a skate park. The cold air had already navigated the barrier through his jeans and claimed the skin beneath, and the snowmelt seeped its way up his legs and through his shoes. He headed over to the back corner and stared up at the ramp he had used for most of his tricks. It was the U-shaped ramp from his memories, and was almost as tall as Kyle; its smooth upper surface was framed by iron railings. He could remember many days skating up and down the curves of this ramp whilst his friends leant against the railings and sat on the edges. He shook the memories from his mind and dug his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Time was cruel; the skate park would remain for many seasons to come unless it was purposefully removed from the site, yet Alice, Kyle, their family and friends, they would all pass by in a blink of an eye. The concrete would remain and it would hold a thousand secrets, new friends, conversations, falls and tumbles, tricks accomplished and… first kisses. These ramps had seen it all already and would watch silently for many years to come. He felt his lips strain into a tight smile and he kicked at the snow with his right foot. He gazed sadly at the ramps and turned slowly as he headed back out; maybe his mind could chase the past, but he couldn’t.
Eighteen
Kyle’s father had a small office on the other side of Elbridge. He was the manager and owner of a relatively successful company which sold tracking systems and devices to other companies. Howeve
r, the competition was fierce and Kyle’s father had a small army of employees who spent hours travelling up and down the country to various appointments. His father had asked him for help with some admin, and Kyle had found it difficult to refuse.
Kyle immediately recognised most of the faces as they entered the office. He had spent some of his holidays as a teenager and a year before university, working for his father. Zack Smith, Tank’s father, was the first to greet him.
‘Hey Kyle!’ He smiled. ‘Your father isn’t making you study and work, is he?’
‘Morning Zack,’ Kyle’s father said. ‘And no, Kyle is only helping for today.’ He headed over to the back of the long office and into a smaller private office. Kyle settled down at a vacant desk next to Zack and asked after him and Tank.
‘We’re good. Tank’s leg is a lot better now but it still troubles him from time to time,’ Zack said. Kyle nodded, he knew about Tank’s accident. It had been a bad tackle on a wet pitch. It had cost Tank his future as a professional footballer, and he had been on crutches for months. ‘He coaches for a big sports group at Fairhaven Park now, the pay isn’t great but he enjoys it.’
‘You couldn’t keep Tank away from football if you tried,’ Kyle said. Tank had been the best footballer in the school; everyone had wanted him on their team.
‘No that’s true,’ Zack said. ‘How’s Hailey doing?’ Kyle paused; his father wanted him to talk to Hailey about her future. Her grades were not as good as Kyle’s and she had told him that she wanted to be a writer. Kyle was surprised; he had always known Hailey liked books but he had always considered it a hobby. Their father wasn’t happy; he was concerned that it would be a bad career choice. Publishing contracts were hard to get and the costs of self-publishing mounted up; Hailey didn’t have those kinds of savings.
‘She’s OK. She’s confused about her career, but strong-minded,’ Kyle said.
‘Well, I know from Tank that she’s been working hard.’ Zack smiled and then the phone on his desk began to ring and he quickly answered it. Kyle logged onto the computer and opened up a spreadsheet containing the sales stats for the employees. It was easy and mind-numbing stuff; he just had to make sure the figures were correct and up to date. He left his desk to collect the relevant files from the storage rooms and passed his father’s office on the way back. He could hear his dad yelling at someone on the phone. He winced; it didn’t sound good for whoever the other person was. He returned to his desk and saw that Zack was shaking his head. ‘He’ll give himself a heart attack at this rate.’
‘What’s going on?’
‘Ah, there were a couple of big orders last week and a major mix up with fifty or so units. There are some angry customers, rude ones too. It’s been stressing your father out.’ Kyle saw that his father’s face was red as he slammed down the phone. He watched him pick up a bottle of pills and swallow a couple with water. Kyle frowned; he knew from his mother that the doctor had prescribed some medication for his father’s blood pressure.
Kyle spent the rest of the day going through the data sheets and logging all the relevant pieces of information. He made many trips back and forth to the scanner and photocopier, and he passed a number of people working at their desks. Everyone seemed tired, their faces drained and their bodies stooped; he wondered how anyone survived long in sales positions.
Kyle’s father stayed on after office hours and they didn’t end up driving back home until later that evening. Kyle was exhausted and his brain was fogged up with figures and orders.
‘Matthew, you can’t keep doing this to yourself,’ Kyle’s mother said as they came in through the door. ‘And you dragged poor Kyle with you this time.’
‘Its fine mum,’ Kyle said as he loosened his tie and kicked off his shoes.
‘It is not fine. If you ever take over the business I hope you don’t work yourself ragged too, otherwise you’ll need pills as well.’ She frowned, then winked at him.
‘When he takes over the business,’ Kyle’s father said.
‘Hey Kyle, Dad,’ Hailey called as she came downstairs. ‘Can we eat now? I’m starving.’
‘You should have started without us,’ their father said. Their mother just shook her head and marched back into the kitchen.
Kyle helped his mum bring all the plates through from the kitchen and they sat down at the dining room table to eat. Kyle pushed his food around his plate and ate the odd mouthful, but he could feel a headache brewing. The dull ache was back, pulsing painfully behind his eyes.
‘So Hailey, have you looked at any universities?’ their father asked. Silence descended over the table, even the clinking of their metal cutlery on the china plates ceased for a moment.
‘I’ve had a little look,’ Hailey said.
‘And?’
‘There are some creative writing courses I could take…’
‘Creative writing? What an earth are you going to do with that?’ Kyle watched them wordlessly; his head began to pound again and he could feel the dull ache spreading beneath his skull. He realised quickly that he wasn’t hearing what they were saying and his vision swayed as though his eyes were listing boats. Suddenly the room jumped back into focus but his family had moved into different positions and a young Alice was sitting next to him, not Hailey…
‘Physics?’ his father said. He paused and set down his cutlery as he thought about it for a moment. ‘I suppose the maths would come in handy for a business.’ Kyle felt his hopes deflate like a balloon.
‘No, not for business, for research,’ Alice said. ‘Kyle’s good at it; he enjoys it and gets the top marks in the class.’ Kyle flashed her a grateful smile but it was surely hopeless. As much as Kyle would have loved to go into research, his father had other ideas.
‘Research? There aren’t many positions available in research.’
‘No, you have to be the best of the best,’ Alice said, casting a sneaky glance at Kyle. ‘Kyle is one of the best, even our physics teacher, Mr Blakely said so.’
‘I don’t know…’ his father said, behind a mouthful of food.
‘Hey, wouldn’t it be great if Kyle ended up as a research physicist? He might be accepted at CERN to work on the Large Hadron Collider, or maybe win a Nobel Prize one day,’ Alice said, lightening the conversation but Kyle knew she meant it. Matthew laughed.
‘A Nobel Prize you say? Now they are difficult to get.’
‘Difficult, but they often come with monetary prizes don’t forget,’ she knew how to speak Matthew’s language. ‘And the science hall of fame. Kyle could be recorded in the history books forever.’
‘Now that would be nice. A Hunter as a famous scientist,’ said Matthew. Kyle paused and looked up from his food, was his father really accepting the idea, or just humouring her?
‘Physicists earn a lot of money you know,’ Alice said.
‘I was never that good at science; I did maths, business and English, then I did a part-time management course through my first proper office job.’
‘Physics is in everything,’ Alice said. ‘Physics pretty much runs the business world.’
‘Oh does it?’ His father chuckled.
‘Yes. When new things are discovered or technology improves, it’s physics that’s behind it all. Even your own company sells it; how do you think your own products work?’
‘I suppose so…’
‘That’s why Kyle should go for a physics degree, it’s what he loves and enjoys,’ Alice said.
‘And what about you, Alice? What are you going to take as a degree?’
‘Physics, of course.’
‘I see, and your father’s OK with that?’
‘He suggested it,’ Alice replied. ‘He said science is the way forward in this world so he couldn’t argue with my choices.’
‘Hmm.’ Matthew shot an uncomfortable look
towards Kyle but Alice had argued well enough for his father to realise Kyle’s heart was elsewhere. Maybe he could stand his ground after all.
‘You’re very stubborn Mr Hunter,’ Alice said and Kyle’s father laughed.
The memory slipped away and Kyle blinked repeatedly as the present came back into focus. He had supressed that memory; it had surfaced from somewhere deep and dark inside, in a place where Kyle’s consciousness rarely visited. Alice had fought for him once, and he had forgotten about it.
‘Dad,’ Hailey said.
‘No Hailey, you need to be more realistic. You can’t just publish a book and expect it to sell overnight.’ Kyle opened his mouth to speak; he knew he should try and help Hailey; he should fight for her corner just like Alice had fought for his. He felt a stab of shame.
‘Dear, can we talk about this tomorrow?’ Stacy said, before he could speak. Matthew sighed and nodded. Kyle clamped his mouth shut.
‘I’m not hungry,’ Hailey said. She stood up abruptly and left.
Nineteen
Christmas was a blur. Kyle’s mind was fogged with revision and questions – so many questions. As much as he could allow himself the fond acceptance of Alice’s beautiful notebook, it triggered memories, and it opened the void too. She had loved him deeply, it was obvious, and he would never experience that again. He would never be able to share that, be part of somebody’s thoughts and know he made a difference to their lives. That stark realisation cut him deeper than any blade or words could. He was puzzled by the second page and there was no rational or logical reason for him to find it – or work out how it got there. He was still tired too. It took so long to get to sleep and, when he did, the nightmares continued and he would then be awake for hours. He couldn’t relax.
It was the day after Boxing Day and he was in his bedroom, revising at his desk. One of his large library books was open in front of him and he was scribbling away on a notepad. Not only did he need to learn and recite facts that he could find in books, he also needed to memorise references so he could use them in the essay question at the end of his exam. He lifted his arm and yawned into the back of his hand just as his bedroom door swung open. Hailey entered and plonked herself down heavily by the pillow on his bed. It happened quickly then. Alice’s book, which Kyle had hidden beneath his pillow, slipped out and landed on the floor. Hailey scooped it up, Kyle jumped to his feet, and then Hailey was standing on his bed holding Alice’s book in the air.
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