‘Kyle?’
‘Hey Cameron, do you want to go down to the park?’ Kyle lifted his board and Cameron’s eyes widened.
‘But… Sure, sure, give me a minute.’ He disappeared again and Kyle heard heavy footsteps going up the stairs. Ten minutes later Cameron was dressed and they were on their way to the park. ‘How’s the studying going?’ Cameron asked, finally breaking their silence.
‘Good, yours?’
‘Good.’ He paused. ‘Look Kyle…’
‘Forget it,’ Kyle said. ‘It’s cool.’
‘I’m still sorry about what I said.’
‘I know.’
‘I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding this conversation too. I just didn’t know what to say, I’m a pretty sucky friend.’
‘No you’re not,’ Kyle replied. ‘Dani told me about what you did for my birthday, or rather, what you prevented.’ Cameron hesitated and rubbed the back of his neck.
‘Even so, I shouldn’t have brought up Alice like that.’
‘She would forgive you,’ Kyle’s eyes darted to Cameron. ‘Alice, I mean.’ Cameron smiled.
At the skate park Cameron was the first to hop onto his board. The park looked different without the snow, uglier Kyle thought. There were no kids with boards today; it seemed they no longer hung out at skate parks.
‘I’m a bit rusty,’ Cameron said. ‘God we haven’t done this in years.’ He wobbled slightly as he corrected his balance and then pushed off across the park to build up speed. Kyle stared down at the board in his hands and flipped it over; the deck was covered in scuffs and scratches. His fingers traced along the marks his younger self had made, failing and successfully accomplishing tricks. The bruises and scars from his skateboarding days were nothing compared to the knocks life had given him. A strange mix of emotions coursed through him as he stood there; he felt both happy and sad, both pride and frustration.
His gaze wandered around the park and he could see it all so clearly now. He saw himself and the rest of his friends hanging around the ramps, some of them skateboarding and others just chatting. He could picture Alice and he could almost hear her laughter echoing in his ears. His eyes paused on the U-shaped ramp; it’s top, flat edge where he and Alice had first kissed. He remembered the way the sunlight had sparkled in her hair and danced through the gaps painting golden stars across her freckled cheeks. The pale rose colour of her lips and their softness – he touched his own lips subconsciously.
‘Hey, are you going to skateboard?’ Cameron asked as he sped past him, curved his board round and then stopped.
‘Yeah.’ Kyle blinked and the images faded. He put the board down on the ground and placed one foot on it. Cameron grinned and pushed off across the park again, building speed and then sailing up one of the ramps. Kyle stood frozen; it felt so unfamiliar to him now. He remembered this being easy, effortless, but he felt awkward and clumsy. He pushed off slowly across the concrete, wobbling as he remembered how to balance.
It didn’t take long. Kyle’s muscle memory came to his aid and he remembered how to position himself and how to move. He heard Cameron whoop as they passed each other and then they tackled the U-shaped ramp. Adrenaline fired through their systems as they plummeted over the edge, letting gravity pull them down the curves and momentum fire them up the other sides. Memories burst into colours behind Kyle’s eyes and he could remember his younger days, the same adrenaline rush and excitement that overwhelmed him then and now. He could remember the hours he had spent practising and mastering tricks. He could remember the times he had been angry too, mainly at his dad, and how he had vented his frustrations on his skateboard. He paused on one of the flat surfaces, his chest rising and falling as his heart pounded. Cameron stopped beside him.
‘Why on earth did we ever stop doing this?’ Cameron asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Kyle said shaking his head. ‘We grew up?’
‘Poor excuse if you ask me; we should do this more often.’ Cameron laughed and sat down, dangling his legs over the edge. ‘I miss the old days,’ he said, sobering slightly. Kyle sat down too and they stared off across the park, towards the lake.
‘You and me both,’ Kyle replied.
‘It seems so stupid now, to give up on something that we used to enjoy, just because we got a bit older. Alice would agree.’
‘She would.’ Kyle nodded.
‘Screw it. I’m going to skateboard even when I’m an old granddad.’
‘You’ll probably break something.’ Kyle chuckled.
‘I don’t care. I’ll be the coolest granddad in the world. That’ll be one for the A&E staff!’
‘An OAP skater, now that’s something I’ve never seen.’
Kyle sat down, allowing nostalgia to seep into his mind. Alice would have probably demanded he still skated, still played his guitar and all the other things he used to enjoy. She’d encouraged him to live his dreams. He remembered… He remembered and it felt like a dozen blades were being driven into his stomach, like the air was ripping free from his lungs and the blood had left his veins. It hurt more than words could describe, but he remembered.
‘What happened to you Kyle?’ Cameron asked. ‘I mean besides the obvious, what really happened inside of that head of yours? It was like you…’ Cameron’s words trailed off, ‘Like your soul just left the world. Your body was still there but you, you were completely gone.’ Kyle paused and ran his tongue over his teeth.
‘I don’t really know,’ he replied. ‘It’s not something I can describe.’ He blinked once, hard. ‘All I know is that, I haven’t been able to switch off since Alice’s notebook arrived.’
‘Alice’s notebook?’
‘Yeah…’ Kyle said awkwardly. ‘I forgot, I haven’t told you about that.’ So he did. He told Cameron all about Alice’s notebook, the nightmares and he even told him the truth about the van incident. ‘I really thought she was there you know, it seemed so real,’ Kyle said. Cameron let out a deep breath which whistled between his teeth.
‘Jeez Kyle, no wonder you’re struggling.’ Cameron shook his head. ‘How long have you been having these nightmares for?’
‘Months.’
‘God, Kyle, why didn’t you say anything?’
‘Because it’s weird!’
‘I can’t believe Alice would leave a paper trail? Why would she even do that?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I wonder where the third page is?’
‘I don’t know. Only Alice knows that, I guess.’
‘I don’t think this is Alice’s doing,’ Cameron said thoughtfully. ‘Alice wasn’t like that; this seems different.’
‘All I know is it’s been driving me nuts and I can’t sleep at night. I keep having nightmares about the day she died, just standing there outside those bloody doors to the exam hall.’ Kyle took a deep breath. ‘I wasn’t there, Cameron; I should have been there…’ Cameron gazed at him sadly.
‘Yeah, I know. I remember.’ Kyle drew his hands down his face and let out a humourless snort.
‘So, who else would leave that paper trail?’ Kyle asked.
‘I don’t know who, but it’s not Alice,’ Cameron said. Kyle stood up and placed his board over the edge of the ramp. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Skateboarding,’ Kyle replied and then he pushed off over the edge of the ramp. He couldn’t get his thoughts together; they were all muddled and confused. He soared up the other side of the U-shaped ramp and twisted the board with his feet. He turned and landed; the air clawed past him and tugged at his clothes. Why? What was the point in hiding her pages? He climbed the curve and shot past Cameron, then turned and glided back down again. He leant into the board and picked up speed as he climbed up the other side. He shot up into the air like an arrow and then he felt the board slip. He tried to kick his feet but his pos
ition was all wrong. The board moved too far away and then he was falling. Alice’s face flashed through his mind, her worried eyes following his fall. He heard her scream his name. Then he crashed to the ground, forcing himself to roll on impact until he stopped abruptly and groaned.
‘Crap,’ he heard Cameron curse. Kyle pushed himself up and then froze. It can’t be… Where the concrete should have met the ground in a sharp right angle, there was a small gap, like a tiny mouse hole. On its crumbled upper curve, in faint marker pen, someone had written the letters ‘K’ and ‘H’. This time the letter ‘K’ wasn’t backwards and the letters had been written by a firmer hand. ‘Kyle, are you OK?’ Kyle stared at the letters in disbelief and moved closer to the ramp. This isn’t real he told himself. It must be a mistake, it has to be, or a coincidence? ‘Kyle talk to me…’ Cameron’s words died in his throat. Kyle shook his head. One coincidence was believable but two? He reached under the edge of the concrete and his fingers brushed against something smooth. He hoped to god that there wasn’t anything nasty stashed under the gap. He closed his fingers around the object and pulled it out. It was another small, plastic bag and inside was a piece of folded paper. Of course he hadn’t seen it before; the snow had been inches thick the day he had returned home for Christmas, everything had been covered for weeks. A shudder ran over his shoulders as he opened the bag with trembling fingers and drew out the paper. He unfolded it and his eyes stretched wide as the air rushed back into his lungs. It was an A5 page, creamy paper with a torn edge, and another message in blue ink, written in Alice’s hand. ‘Don’t be afraid.’ In the top right corner she had written the date, 9th June, 2009.
The memory hit him hard and suddenly, there was no warning…
‘Come on Alice,’ Kyle whispered as he pulled her along by her hand. The cool air whipped past their noses and cheeks and tangled in their hair as they made their way to the park.
‘It’s cold; my dad is going to kill me if he finds out.’ She yawned into the back of her hand. He glanced back at her as they hurried along the pavement; she was wearing a pair of jeans with a hoody, her hair hanging loosely about her shoulders.
‘I know, but you said you wanted to see the meteor shower,’ Kyle said. He gazed up at the sky; there was no cloud cover tonight and the summer sun had been replaced by a half-moon. It was perfect.
‘Why are shooting stars so unreasonable?’ Alice rubbed her eyes. She had been looking tired lately, he had noticed. She had been sleeping a lot too, often lying in until the late morning and then becoming tired again before the evening. Kyle stopped and let go of her hand. He knelt down in front of her.
‘Hop on my back,’ he said.
‘No, I’m fine,’ Alice said.
‘Please,’ he said. He heard her sigh reluctantly and he knew she had rolled her eyes even without looking. She got on his back and he lifted her up; she had lost weight, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. He carried her to the park and then set her down. He took her hand and guided her to the other side of the lake, it was darker there with less light pollution, and they had more chance of seeing a shooting star.
‘You know, this is the part in the scary movie where the people die,’ Alice said.
‘It will be fine,’ Kyle replied, but even so, he kept a sharp eye on their surroundings. He found the spot he was looking for, a clear patch of grass right next to the edge of the lake. They could see the skate park here and the houses and streetlamps in the distance. Behind them were just trees and then quiet fields. He reached out with his right hand and brushed the hair from her face; even half asleep and in the silver moonlight, she was beautiful. He pulled her close and kissed her properly, like she was supposed to be kissed, gently and passionately. He broke away slowly and her eyes opened reluctantly; it was as though she had been sedated by him. He cupped her cheeks, kissing her lightly between her eyes, then glanced up at the sky again. He could already see a handful of stars though he knew there were more there that he couldn’t see. Thousands of other suns and only a tiny percentage of what the entire universe held, but no meteor shower yet.
He sat down on the grass and pulled Alice into his lap, and they sat there curled up together. He could feel his heartbeat and hers through their thin layers, almost beating in unison. The breeze kicked up gentle waves across the lake and they lapped quietly against the edge. An owl hooted somewhere in the trees but everything else was still and silent.
‘They’re so pretty,’ Alice breathed as she gazed up at the sky.
‘Yes, they are,’ Kyle said. ‘We’re all the by-products of stars but they’re the real wonders.’
‘Wonders?’ Alice replied. ‘I think they’re beautiful and terrifying.’
‘Terrifying?’
‘Yes,’ she said as she snuggled deeper into his chest. The smell of her skin – soap and faint perfume – was intoxicating.
‘Why are they so terrifying?’ he asked as he ran his fingers lightly through her hair.
‘There’s so many of them,’ Alice replied. ‘There’s so much we don’t know about the world, ourselves, let alone the other suns and their planets out there.’ She stretched her left arm up to the sky as though her fingertips could brush along the stars themselves. ‘There could be anything out there,’ she whispered, ‘anything at all.’
‘And that’s terrifying?’ Kyle asked.
‘Everything unknown is terrifying to us, it’s why humans hate change,’ Alice replied. ‘Even a stranger can be scary unless you get to know them, then they might become a friend.’
‘Or a partner,’ Kyle said as he kissed the top of her head. Alice looked up at him and smiled then. She straightened up and kissed his mouth for a few seconds, or perhaps minutes, Kyle wasn’t sure. ‘What do you think is out there?’ he asked when she broke away.
‘Life,’ Alice replied simply. ‘There has to be more life out there.’
‘In theory and statistically, there should be life out there.’
‘I wonder if there are aliens out there on a distant planet, living the way we do, thinking the way we do, feeling the way we do.’
‘It’s possible,’ Kyle said quietly.
‘I wonder if they’re terrified too.’
‘Probably,’ Kyle replied as he hugged her tightly. They sat there in silence for a few moments.
‘Kyle?’ Alice whispered.
‘Yes?’
‘Have you always liked the stars?’
‘I think so,’ he said. ‘As far back as I can remember and from what my parents have told me, I was always fascinated with space, particularly the stars.’ Alice looked up at him through her long eyelashes and he felt his cheeks flame. ‘I don’t know what it was; I was just always drawn to the stars. I had all sorts of books on the solar system but it wasn’t until I started secondary school that I discovered physics.’ He stumbled over his words. ‘The more I learnt the more I realised I was drawn to the unknown. Theoretical and particle physics intrigues me more than stars these days, but I’ll always have a soft spot for astronomy.’ He glanced up briefly. ‘I know dad would really prefer it if I studied business.’ He paused and smiled at her. ‘But then this girl walked into my life and changed his mind, or, well, at least made him think about it.’
‘Must have been one pretty awesome girl.’
‘Pretty and awesome,’ Kyle said. Alice blushed. ‘She taught me to not be afraid.’
‘You were afraid?’
‘All the time. I didn’t know if I was making the right decisions, I still don’t know now for sure, but I know I have to be brave. Everything just seems to click into place now, even though I had to say no to my dad.’
‘Sometimes the bravest word in the world is no.’
‘I’d like to discover something one day, be a real scientist, help the world, maybe even win that Nobel Prize.’ He could feel her eyes watching him
as he stared out across the water; he felt foolish, perhaps even a little bit childish, but he had spoken the truth
‘Your eyes sparkle,’ Alice said softly as she reached up a hand and cupped his cheek, drawing his eyes to hers. She was smiling softly and gazing at him with so much affection. ‘You don’t need to be afraid, Kyle,’ she said. ‘Life isn’t perfect and neither are we. You shouldn’t be afraid of getting things wrong or changing your mind. No one knows what they’re doing really; all we can do is try to be the person we can admire in the future.’
‘As long as I’m with you, I’m sure I’ll admire the future Kyle,’ he said and she smiled.
‘There!’ Alice said suddenly and pointed up at the sky. He gazed up and caught the tail end of a shooting star, a silvery streak against the night sky.
The memory let go of him then and he stumbled slightly, catching himself on the side of the ramp. His heart hammered in his chest and he gasped as though he’d been running.
‘Helloooo Kyle?’ Cameron said. He was waving his hand in front of Kyle’s face. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I’m OK.’ His hand trembled as he raised the paper to his eyes again. He knew now what the pages and what everyone else had been trying to tell him. Cameron, Sophia, Hailey, Alice… all of them, even his mother had been trying to open his eyes. It was as if the entire universe had been trying to point him in the right direction. He was a physicist not a businessman. He remembered the day he had given up on physics. He had sat across from his father in the dining room and they had talked about his future. He had let his father decide his life for him again, because physics hurt, it reminded him of Alice, reminded him of everything he had lost.
‘Is that what I think it is?’ Cameron asked. ‘Is that the third page?’
‘Yes,’ Kyle said, though he could scarcely believe the truth himself. He needed to get home; he needed to convince his dad, tell him that he had made a huge mistake. He felt a cold drop of water hit the back of his head and he tilted his chin upwards. Grey clouds covered the sky and a few more raindrops began to fall. Kyle stuffed the page into his pocket.
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