A groan of frustration erupted from him as he flung himself back against the pillows. He asked for Pope to help him, but the man had given him even more to think about than he already did. Quinn tossed his arm across his eyes as he tried to order his thoughts.
“What do you want, Quinn Mortensen?” he asked himself aloud. The answer was immediate. Zoe.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Zoe left her room to check on Quinn. Things were still strange between them mostly, she knew, because of her. Despite the fact that it was weeks since Pope left, his words hadn’t. She could still remember the look in his eyes, the hint of sadness behind them, and the bitterness in his tone as he told her what lay before her and Quinn. Whenever she looked at Quinn she could see it, and the sight was tearing her apart.
Sadness clung to her. Despite her best efforts, she simply wasn’t able to shake it. Quinn was going to leave, one way or another. Either he’d be sucked back into the world of the chase, or he was going to give it up and go home. No matter which direction she looked, Zoe couldn’t see an end where Quinn chose her.
“Mamma,” she said tearfully, as she clutched the brooch her mother had given her. In the past few days, she’d had it out more than she had in the six years since she’d come to Shaniko. She wasn’t sure why, but everything with Quinn made her miss home more than ever before. She suddenly had a desire to see her mother’s face above anyone.
Zoe ran her fingers over the intricate details of the peacock. What did Quinn find so interesting about this?
She turned over the trinket in her hand. Once, she thought never to look at it again, but here she was, when things were difficult, with brooch in hand and thoughts of home on her mind.
In the years since she moved to Shaniko, Zoe never considered leaving. In fact, if it wasn’t for Victor, she would never have left at all. Shaniko was home, it was where she wanted to be—where she was somebody. In Boston, she was another face in the crowd. She meant nothing to anyone but her parents. In Shaniko, she meant something to everyone.
Still, maybe it was time for her to go back. Maybe it was time to show her family the woman she’d become. “Who knows,” Zoe thought. “Maybe I’ll finally learn the full story of this brooch,” she considered, as she continued to look it over in her hand.
She made her way from the room and was headed down the corridor when Quinn’s door opened. He stepped outside, cane in hand, and as he hobbled around toward her, she could see Pope in his gait.
“Morning,” Quinn called to her, as they continued on their paths toward one another.
“Good morning,” Zoe answered. She could feel the tension between them, but she did her best to ignore it.
“How are you this morning?” Quinn asked, as they met in the middle.
“I’m fine,” she smiled. “You?”
“I’m doing all right,” Quinn answered. “Leg is feeling a lot better.”
“You’re getting around better,” Zoe added quickly. “Soon, you won’t need that thing,” she commented as she pointed to his cane.
“I can’t wait,” Quinn smiled. “I’ve been laid up in that room for too long. It’s about time I got out and stretched my legs more, got back to life.”
Zoe’s heart sank at his words, though the smile she’d practiced for years and years remained in place. “That’s great.” She turned to the stairs. The saloon was quiet since it was early. “Do you wanna get some breakfast together?”
She turned back to Quinn and found him staring at her. He caught himself as their eyes met and he softened his gaze. “I’d like that.”
Zoe walked down the stairs and every step she could feel Quinn watching her. What was he thinking? When was he leaving? Would it be as soon as he could walk without the cane?
She was trying hard to get used to the idea of life without him in it. Slowly, she was trying to wean herself off of the desire to see him, to hear his voice, or see his smile. It wasn’t easy. Every day he was there. Every day when she woke he was the first person she wanted to see. He didn’t need her as much now that he was walking, but they still saw each other throughout the day.
“You can wait in my office,” she said, as she continued to the kitchen. “Morning, Wiley!” she called on the way. He was already hard at work, as usual.
“Morning, Miss Zoe!” Wiley answered, as he continued working. “Weyland isn’t in yet but Carl’s there,” he stated.
“Thank you, Wiley,” Zoe replied.
She went to the kitchen, and as Wiley had told her, Weyland was missing and Carl was hard at work preparing for the day.
“Morning, Carl,” she greeted.
“Morning, Miss Zoe,” he said, as he continued slicing. “What can I do for yah this morning?”
“I’d like two breakfasts,” she said with a smile. “I’ll take them in my office.”
Carl’s eyes rose to meet hers. “You haven’t taken a meal in there in a while,” he commented.
Zoe swallowed hard. “I know. Today, I am,” she said, as she shifted her eyes away from Carl’s gaze.
He smirked. “I’m glad to hear that,” he commented. “I’ll get that right to you.”
“Thank you,” Zoe answered, as she continued to avoid meeting Carl’s eye. The man knew too much. Zoe was never fooled by his silence. Carl knew more than most.
Her steps were slightly quicker as she walked to her office. She reached the door and as she stood there, she felt as if she should knock and ask to come in. It was ridiculous. She opened the door.
It was like stepping into the past as she walked into the room. Quinn was sitting in his usual seat and a deck of cards sat on the table between him and where she’d sit. It brought a smile to her face as she thought of all the times they played cards on that table, talked at that table, and laughed together. She wanted those days to come back.
Quinn reached for the deck of cards and began to shuffle them, as if on cue. “Up to a game?” he said with a smirk.
Zoe’s smile widened despite herself. “Sure.”
Quinn continued to shuffle until she took her seat. Then he dealt the cards and the game began immediately, and Zoe’s fantasy continued. It was as if nothing had ever happened. It was as if she’d stepped back in time with him. By the time Carl came with their food, they were laughing.
The game was set aside for a moment in order to enjoy their breakfast of sausage, ham, biscuits, pancakes, and beans. It was in the silence of the meal that Zoe’s thoughts returned.
“You said that you were looking forward to getting out,” she commented.
“Yeah,” Quinn answered. “I’ve seen nothing but four walls for too long. Starting to get to me.”
Zoe’s stomach knotted. “You must have some plans for when you’re up and about proper. What will you do?”
Quinn laughed. “Walk from one end of town to the other,” he mused. His eyes were still on his food and he didn’t see the look she gave him.
“I didn’t mean it that way. I meant, what are your plans for the future? Now that there is no Victor to chase.”
Quinn stopped eating and looked up at her. Their eyes met and for a moment it was as if the world paused, and Zoe was able to breathe. She’d been in a state of constant unrest since the idea of Quinn leaving became a very real possibility.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I’ve been thinking about that.”
Zoe’s heart faltered. “Have you? What did you decide?”
“There’re some things I need to work out first before I can make a decision,” he stated.
“What kind of things?” Zoe asked. “Maybe I can help?”
Quinn smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. “Thanks, but I can handle it,” he answered.
Zoe nodded silently, then she forced herself to ask the question that was on her mind. “Will there be another bounty?”
“More than likely,” Quinn answered. “It’s what I do. There’s always a bounty, it’s just if I’m going to pursue it.”
Her
lips parted but Zoe couldn’t bring herself to utter the question. Will you?
His eyes lingered on her and Zoe didn’t look away. His expression reflected how she felt. His eyes seemed sad, conflicted, and she wondered what he was thinking. Was he trying to find the right way to tell her he was leaving? Was there something else?
“Would you excuse me a minute?” she asked, as she got to her feet. Zoe didn’t wait for the answer, though it followed soon after. She walked to the door and up the stairs to her room before anyone could see the tears fall.
She sucked in a ragged breath once on the other side of the door and tried to gather her composure. “Get a hold of yourself, Zoe,” she scolded. “If he plans to leave, then he goes. It’s his life, you can’t make him stay. No matter how much you want to.”
Zoe gave herself a few minutes and washed her face before she returned to her office. When she got there, she found Quinn on his feet and almost to the door.
“You’re back. I was just about to go look for you,” he stated. He stopped walking. “What’s wrong?”
Zoe wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him everything, just as before, but she couldn’t do it. Despite the feelings she had for him, despite their moment of reminiscing as they played cards and it felt like old times, it wasn’t. Things weren’t the same and there was no way of making it that way. People didn’t go back in time. There was only one way, forward, and that was the direction she needed to look to, and that direction was going to lead Quinn out of town and out of her life for good.
“You ever wish you didn’t know something that you did?” she asked sadly. Quinn’s expression fell.
“Yes,” he answered solemnly.
“What d’you do when you know something and can’t accept it?” she continued, as her eyes remained on his face. She watched the lump in his throat move up and down as he swallowed and the way his chest rose and fell with each breath. So handsome.
“I don’t know,” Quinn answered. “I guess you face it, eventually. You make yourself accept it.”
“What if you just can’t?”
His eyes lowered. “You can’t change the truth, Zoe. No matter how much you want to. What is and what will be, won’t change because you want it to. Fighting against it is pointless unless there is some way to make the truth not true.”
She shook her head gently. “How do you make the truth not true?”
Quinn laughed. It wasn’t his normal laugh, this one had a hint of bitterness to it. Like Pope.
“I wish I knew.” He looked at her again. “When I figure it out I’ll let you know. In the meantime, let’s finish this food and maybe get back to our game?” he suggested.
Tears stung the back of her eyes but never made it to view. Zoe, instead, forced a smile on her face and re-joined Quinn at her desk. They ate the rest of their meal in silence, as their respective thoughts took over their time together. Even the game of cards lost its amusement, and soon she and Quinn were sitting alone in silence.
She could take it. She could make it without Quinn. She’d done it for the past six years that she was in Shaniko, and her entire life before it. Her only problem was that she didn’t want to.
Zoe got to her feet to escape the room and its stifling heaviness. She didn’t get very far. She only reached the edge of her desk before Quinn shot up and took hold of her wrist.
“Don’t go,” he whispered. His arm rested against her own and Zoe’s heart thought it would leap out of her chest.
“I need to work,” she lied.
“No, you don’t,” Quinn answered. “You don’t.”
“What do you want from me, Quinn?”
The question came without being beckoned, but once it was out there was no taking it back. Quinn looked at her, unflinching in his gaze.
“I want you to be happy,” he answered. “I’m just trying to figure out how that happens.”
Zoe exhaled a sad sigh. “So am I.”
“If I leave, your life goes back to normal,” he stated. Zoe’s heart ached. “Things go back to the way they were. The way you wanted them to be.”
She swallowed her tears. “We can’t go back,” she answered. “No matter how much we want to. Some things, once they’re done, they’re over and there is no going back.”
“But we can start over?” he said.
“You can try,” she replied sorrowfully. “Doesn’t mean it’ll work. It doesn’t even mean you should try,” Zoe continued as her chin dipped.
“Your life is going to be good, Zoe. I promise you that,” Quinn answered. “I know it.”
“How can you know that?” she asked, as her eyes lifted to meet his.
“Because there is no one I know who deserves it more than you. If I can make it happen, I promise you that I will,” Quinn continued.
She wanted his words to be real. She wanted it to be possible, but she knew better than to hope in that. Quinn had a life. He had one long before he met her, and a few months in a small town didn’t eliminate his entire life or the five years he’d spent chasing one goal. Catching bad men was in his blood. It was more than what he did, it was who he was, and it was part of the reason she loved him. She couldn’t ask him to be someone different just so she could keep him. She wouldn’t.
His thumb brushed her arm and Zoe looked at it. It was a small gesture, but it comforted her.
“If you had a choice between truth and living a lie that would make you happy, which would you choose?” Quinn asked suddenly.
Zoe looked at him, perplexed. “The truth.”
Quinn nodded. “I thought you’d say that.”
“What would you choose?” she questioned in return.
He laughed half-heartedly. “I used to think I’d always say the truth,” he answered as his eyes met hers. “Now, I’m not so sure.”
She frowned. “You’d rather live a lie?”
“Sometimes the lie protects those you care about,” Quinn answered, to her surprise.
She once thought that, before everything happened with Victor and Quinn. Now, she believed that telling the truth from the beginning would have saved them all. “Sometimes the lie brings more pain than its worth,” she answered. “Sometimes it costs you more than the truth would have.”
“Then I guess we’re only left with the truth, then,” Quinn answered as his gaze lingered on her.
“That’s all there is.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Quinn couldn’t wait until his leg was completely healed. He needed to get out.
Days had passed since his breakfast with Zoe, and since that day they’d barely seen each other. She was hurting, he could see that, and he wasn’t being arrogant to think it had something to do with him.
Everything to do with you.
He needed to fix things. He needed to bring back sanity to both of their lives and stop the endless pulling and pushing between them. Something had to change and he knew what it was. The question was whether he was ready for it.
He hobbled to the stable, where his horse had been housed since his return to Shaniko. He walked to the stall where the stallion was pacing restlessly. The horse hadn’t been cooped up for this long since Quinn bought him six years ago.
“Hey boy,” he said, as he patted his side. “Wanna get out of here?” He smiled as the horse tried to nibble on his hair. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Quinn got the saddle and readied the horse. It wasn’t easy getting on his back, his leg was stiff from not being used and it ached terribly as he pulled himself up, but he got there. He looked at the cane, the constant reminder of what Victor had done to him. He tossed it into the stall.
“Come on!” he cried, as he gently kicked his heels into the horse’s flanks and led him toward the stable door. Once outside, Quinn urged the animal on. He passed The Red Stallion as he raced toward the outskirts of town. He saw Zoe standing out front talking to someone. She spotted him and the look on her face was nothing short of shocked. He nodded his head to her and then
looked ahead. He needed to clear his head and he wasn’t going to get it done with her right there.
Open plains spread before him, and Quinn kicked his heels in harder as he pushed his horse. The wind whipped past him and Quinn reveled in the thrill of it. It was good to be out on his own, going where he wanted. He didn’t think, he just let the horse go where it wanted to. It was a while before Quinn stopped him.
Quinn sat in the saddle in the middle of nowhere. His heart beat loudly in his chest as he breathed quick, deep breaths. He looked at the horizon that lay before him. There was an entire world out there, places he’d never seen, that bounty hunting had started to expose him to. There were countless trails and towns. Then he looked back.
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