by Bruce Thomas
"Now." I guided her down the sidewalk. "There are three things you have to see in New York, okay." She listened keenly as I spoke as if she was listening to a real tour guide. "The people," I gestured to a man sitting on a bench smoking a cigarette, "The buildings," I pointed to a dull grey office building in front of us, "and the yellow moving air polluters."
I could almost feel Anna rolled her eyes beside me. "Should have known," she laughed messing up her hair by pushing it away from her face.
"Now that you have seen all that there is to see, lets go somewhere fun," I suggested.
"I'm pretty sure your fun is different from my fun." Anna adjusted the strap over her shoulder after placing her map into her bag. I didn't wait for her to protest but took her wrist and started moving ourselves through rush hour. It was almost five o'clock and people were starting to get off work or going on their breaks which meant the streets were going to get even more busy.
We came back to my apartment building and caught the elevated to the roof. "Where are we going? Do you live here?" She asked looking around the small elevator. I could smell her perfume that represented closely to lemons as we were captured in the small place. I didn't notice it out in the open air.
"You ask a lot of questions." I had to quit thinking about things like her perfume and stuff. Maybe I shouldn't have brought her here. I brought girls here all the time. This was nothing new. But this time I wasn't Annanging a girl back to wrestle in between the sheet, or whatever my Grandma says. Anna wasn't going to go for that. She was going to want to actually have conversation.
"You avoid a lot of questions." She smiled up at me. It was an actual genuine smile that reached her eyes making her look younger.
My heart gave a big thump before I looked away and focused on the elevator doors.
When we reached the top of the roof Anna walked through the door cautiously as if someone was going to jump out and snatch her. She took
her sweet time looking around too. There wasn't anything special about the top of this apartment building except for the fact that it had a great view of the city. Various plants scattered the paved flat top from people growing their own foods which I wouldn't trust because of the pollution in this god damned city but that was their problem.
I usually came up here around this time of day, when the sun was just starting to go down even though it was so early. That's the one thing I didn't like about this time of year, the sun disappeared too soon. "Is this your safe haven or something?" Anna asked looking around. "Don't make me sound like a pússy," I scoffed making her laugh.
I ushered her towards the end of the building. The wind was cooler up here and it felt good compared to the heat of day. I jumped out on to the wide ledge.
"What are you doing?" Anna choked, eyes wide and alert.
This girl was comedic. I guess I did make it look like I was going to jump.
Déjà vu.
"Do you always have to the think the worst of my intentions, Annaanna?"
She blushed and look away. I wonder if there was a trigger that made her cheeks turn that light pink. "Sorry, I just have a hard time reading you."
Who knew she was trying to figure me out. I smiled to myself.
"That's strange because you're an open book." She lifted her eyebrows at me with her arms crossed over her chest hugging herself. "But only when you're upset," I pointed out. Her laugh got carried away in the breeze making her shiver. The temperature had dropped significantly and she only wore denim shorts and a floral sleeveless top.
I hopped down from my ledge and reached for a fleece blanket that someone left up here and handed it to her.
"Thank you," she said while wrapping it around herself. I turned back towards the city to stop myself from staring at her. It wasn't that I was checking her out, I was just noticing little things that she did. Like how she bit her bottom lip after she said something she thought was embarrassing or how she tilted her head to the side when she was listening to me talk.
"Are you going to have a look?" I asked placing myself back on the ledge and gesturing to the city. She eyed me from her place on the ground, walked to the edge taking in how high we are, and walked back. "I'm fine where I am." I swung my legs over the end just to make her more uncomfortable. The ledge was fairly large, large enough for me to lean back and rest my hands on the stone casually. I wouldn't fall unless she pushed me which reminded me to behave myself.
"So," I said cutting through the silence. "What do you think of New York?"
She snorted like this was the most ridiculous thing I could ask. She balanced herself on the ledge just below mine so she could peer over but still far enough that she wouldn't be in any danger. "What?" I asked, my feelings slightly wounded by her reaction of me trying to be civil. "This is too weird. Us being friendly." She once again pushed her hair out of her face, hugging the blanket around her shoulders.
I licked my lips. "Why?"
For some reason this twisted the knife
more. Okay, yes, the first time meeting her I was a grade A Patass but why was she being so sensitive? She just shrugged focusing her attention on the little people below us.
"That's what you wanted right, to be friends or something?" I sounded like a wounded child to my own ears. I wanted to physically punch myself. "Friends?" She laughed. "I thought you didn't want to be friends."
"I never said I didn't want to be friends."
"Yes, yes you did," she insisted, her eyebrows knitting together. "That day on campus when you were being a jerk about Dakota. You laughed in my face." "You're right. We could never be friends." Half of me that said this just wanted to see her get mad and flustered but the other half knew that these words were true. She and I were two different types of people. She was sugar and spice and I was everything not nice.
"Why not?" Her words rang through the air laced with hurt.
I pretended like I didn't hear it. "We have nothing in common. I mean," I looked down at her sitting on her ledge, "you barfed on me and I haven't got to do the same to you. We couldn't possibly be friends." She hit my shoulder trying to hold in an embarrassed giggle but her face held a grimace. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about that whole thing. I bet I ruined your night."
"Just don't let it happen again." I meant the whole being drugged thing but I'm sure Anna took it as I didn't want to spend time with her. She could take it however she liked. There was a space of silence, us just looking over the dimming skyline.
"Thank you, by the way," she awkwardly said, clearly uncomfortable saying it.
"Don't." I didn't have the guts to tell her what really happened, that I gave the man the drugs. Unintentional or not. "It's fine," I added when Anna frowned at my harsh denial. There was more silence.
This "hanging out" thing was a lot harder than what people made it out to be.
"Did something happen today?" She asked eyeing me.
"Why do you ask?" I suddenly found it hard to swallow.
"You just seem upset in some way, I don't know." She picked at the end of the blanket that was starting to fray.
"Upset? I thought I was hard to read." I turned my body fully to her on the ledge. I could tell she was still apprehensive about me dangling myself eight stories up so I scooted further from the edge. I was feeling nice.
"You are," she assured me, turning her face away. "But sometimes you forget yourself and I can see right through you. Now spill." =================
10
Fred looked at me like I asked him to stab his grandma. It was almost humorous seeing him so uncomfortable. I could tell he never really spent time alone with one person. I've noticed how he was always with a group but never by himself when it came to company. For such a private person, his social life was crowded.
"That's what friends do, Fred, they share stories." I watched his face closely. It was crazy just how visible his guards were. I could practically see them raising, keeping me out. "Maybe I don't want to be your friend," he challenged.
<
br /> "Don't give me that shit."
His eyebrows shot up at me cursing. I enjoyed shocking Fred. It made me feel like I accomplished something. I scooted closer to him. It was time for me to ask him questions.
He eyed me cautiously while I continued to wait. He sighed when he realized I wasn't going to back down. "There's not much to tell."
I waited patiently for him to finally give in and open up.
His shoulders sagged in defeat with a sigh and he turned his attention back to the city. "I've lived in New York my whole life. My favorite food is lasagna and my favorite color is brown--"
"Brown, really?" I laughed. He shushed me trying hard not to smile. I pretended to zip and lock my lips which made his smile break the surface making me feel, once again, accomplished.
"I have a little brother and a son of a bitch father who live right outside of the city. I try to avoid them as much as possible."
"How come?" I knew I was pushing it but I couldn't help but be curious.
Fred shrugged looking away from me and over to the far horizon which was turning a burnt pink and grey. "I'm no good for them."
My chest tightened at his words. I've heard things about Fred that are mostly bad--okay all bad, but that's how he presents himself. He treats everyone like they're nothing because maybe he feels like he's nothing.
And like normal, I am probably thinking too far into this.
I chose to change the subject. "What about your mother?"
This was not the right question to ask. The atmosphere between us shifted and turned tense.
"Pass," he said clearly mocking me from the first night I met him. By the softness of his always tense eyes I could tell he was trying to not frighten me even though he was now finished with my questions. "Okay." I looked away from his slouch posture to soften the blow. I didn't want to force him to answer anything especially if it made him turn away from me.
He closed his eyes for a second before reopening them, pinning me to the slab of concrete. "She died about five years ago right after Matty, my brother, was born. It was cancer." Closing my eyes to stop seeing his hurt, I wished that I could take back asking that question. I wished Fred would stop feeling the sadness that he clearly felt about losing his mother and I wished that he wouldn't be mad that I asked.
When I reopened my eyes he was watching me. I didn't say anything, instead I turned my attention back to the city. I was accustomed with the fact that there was no need to say sorry because they have already heard that enough and
it did nothing to Annang his mother back.
I did the only thing that would make him feel better. I took a deep breath to prepare myself. "I don't have a mom or a dad."
I was used to the sympathy in people's eyes when they find this out. I hated it. To be honest I was glad these two people weren't in my life. Like Fred's words: They were not good for me.
But Fred showed no sympathy in his features just confusion. "Never knew my dad, he left my mom before I was born, and my mom left when I was thirteen. My uncle has always lived with my mom and I so when she left things pretty much remained the same. He was usually the one that fed and played with me anyway. My mom spent a lot of her time at the bars getting drunk and angrier at me for being the reason my father left-- because she got pregnant with me," I explained. "She blamed me up until the point that she left. Haven't seen her since."
I cleared the sudden ball that wedged itself in my throat. "It's better this way but sometimes I wonder if either one of them think about me." I laughed trying to clear the tension in the air, shaking my head. "Probably not."
Fred just continued to look at me.
Maybe I overshared and he thinks I'm weird. I felt like I could throw up all over again. "Was she a mean drunk?" He asked studying me.
Has she ever hurt me? She has called me every horrible name in the book. She has blamed me every day of my life that she was around that I was the reason she was alone, because my father didn't want her anymore after she got pregnant. He wasn't
ready for commitment and she wasn't ready for it either. There were permanent scars visible and invisible from her harsh actions when she was angry and Uncle Pat wasn't around to come to my rescue. "Has she ever physically laid a hand on you, Annaanna?" Fred's words were forceful Annanging me out of my thoughts. His eyes were their normal intense storm boring into me. It didn't matter what my answer was, it wasn't going to take the pain away. I directed my eyes towards the greyish purple sky that now concaved around us. "It doesn't matter now."
He shook his head after a moment. "Why are people so fúcked up?"
I flinched at his profound language. "The world is pretty messed up."
He agreed wholeheartedly. "So, is the whole trust issue thing why you've never had sex and all."
And there it was. Here I thought we were getting somewhere by being civil and then he had to go and make a crude comment like that. He had the nerve! I couldn't hold back my disgust as I grimace, scooting farther away from him.
"I'm not trying to make fun of you, Anna, I'm being serious. Well, kinda serious." He plastered on that smirk that made my pulse quicken. It looked half evil, half seductive. But then again, the devil was once an angel. "Is your view on the big L word shattered or something?"
So far in my life I have yet to see a relationship last forever. I've seen only a couple ones last. For example, there's this couple at my church back home who have been together 52 years. But all they do is fight and bicker about each other to their faces and behind their backs.
I'm sure there's some type of love there but from the looks of it, they hated each other. "I don't know if I believe in all that stuff," I admitted gripping the blanket closer to my body.
"So you don't believe in love?" Fred questioned. "You're a girl. Isn't that supposed to be something you dream about all day and all night?" He chuckled and shook his head as if he didn't believe me, continuing to look over the rooftop at the grand city skyline.
"I believe in infatuation," I answered slowly, really thinking about my response. "But no." I stopped, looking down at the tiny abbreviation of people getting in and out of taxis and roaming the streets, "I don't think I believe in love. If it were real, people wouldn't leave each other. They use them in the way that keeps them satisfied then, one day, they decide they're bored and claim they fell out of love. It's delusional."
They always leave. I could feel Fred's eyes on me and I was afraid of turning and making contact with them. He seemed to always be reading me. When I did turn to him I searched his face.
After moments of silence I sighed. He was so guarded and I couldn't read him. I should be used to this by now, not knowing what he was thinking, but I met him straight on anyway.
"What?" I asked feeling a shy smile pull on my lips.
He watched me for a moment longer. "You're just different."
"Okay, what about you Mr. Playboy--Yeah that's right I've heard about you and your women. What's your outtake on it?"
"There's nothing to tell," he said with a shrug. "If you've heard correctly then you know that I don't date or have anything to do with it."
"How come?" So he sleeps with women then tosses them aside. Sounds about what I've heard is correct so far.
"Because," he said bluntly. I could tell he was starting to get angry from my constant questions but I wasn't going to get anything out of him if I didn't ask. "Like you said, it's a waste of time." "That is not what I said," I threw back at him. "I said I just don't know if I think it's not all in our heads." "Same thing."
"No, it's not."
Now that I was getting annoyed with the way he was acting like things didn't bother him, I shut my mouth. This was semi enjoyable being up here with him and I didn't want to ruin it. But I just couldn't help myself. "You're so annoying."
"I'm annoying? You're up here in my place digging for answers." He had a point but I was just trying to get to know him.
He looked at me from the corner of his eye. "You're the annoyin
g one." I was about to tell him off when I saw his face quiver. He was trying to hold back a smile. The light from the sun was no more but the lights from the city helped me see the outline of his face. He was making fun of me again.
"Well for what it's worth, I don't think you're as bad as what people say you are." I meant this as a joke but I felt like it had some truth to it. I don't think many people get to see this side of Fred and because I was one of the lucky ones, I was going to keep it a secret.
He rolled his eyes. "For what it's worth, you're still annoying."
=================
11
It has rained everyday this week since Monday. It being Thursday, I was losing hope of ever seeing the sun again.
When I walked out of my literature class, the rain had momentarily stopped and the sun was trying its hardest to break through the heavy late September clouds. Puddles lined the sidewalks and benches making the childish urge to jump into every single one seem very appealing.
I walked around the corner to run as fast as I could before it started raining again, when I saw him. He was wearing a gray hoodie that covered his tousled hair. He would have appeared to be any other man walking the campus with this broad shoulders and tall frame but I could tell it was him by the way his eyes pierced through me from under the faAnnac shadowing his face.
My first instinct was to turn and walk the other way. I could just take the long way back to the dorms and still possibly make it inside before the clouds once again opened up to let the rain fall. My second thought was to run to him. I felt so much closer to him than what I did last week. It has almost been a few days since our time spent on top of his roof. He never let me see his apartment but I figured that was for the better.
When he dropped me back off at my dorm, which I didn't expect, though he insisted on taking me back because taxi's were a waste of money, it wasn't awkward like I thought it would be. The whole ride to my place, we argued about how he used his father's house in the Hamptons as a party joint all summer.