Beautiful Life

by Bruce Thomas

  "You're right," he accepted with a shrug. "I do have a lot of other girls that are actually willing to fúck me at any time of any day. Ones much more experience than someone like yourself and much better too. Ones that will give more than a lousy bj."

  I blinked a few times hurt from his words. This was the Fred I had become used to. The side of him that he only shows when he's in the race of getting something he wants is not actually him, but this crude, manipulative jerk was.

  Just then the door of my place opened revealing Dakota with a bag of food. I almost cursed at him for coming through at the time that he did because I had a few words for Fred at the tip of my tongue that I wanted to spit at him.

  "Hey Anna," Dakota smiled holding up the bag of food towards me. He ignored Fred as he continued to smile at me.

  Taking this as my cue to walk away, I did just that and approached Dakota with a small smile that I mustered up under the surface of wanting to cry.

  The next thing I know, Fred stalked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. I cringe at the sharp sound and the tight ball lodged in my throat grew thicker until I thought it would burst. "What's his problem?" Elmer asked signaling to the door.

  "He forgot his wallet at home," I lied, coming up with the quickest excuse I could. "He get's angry over the simplest of things," Dakota said shaking his shaggy black hair out of his eyes. I just offered a quick lift of my cheeks in an attempt to smile but the action was faltered. ================= 23

  I was woken abruptly by the teeth shattering buzzing of my phone beside my face on my mattress. I squinted my eyes at the Annaght screen to see a number I didn't know. I thought about ignoring the call and going back to sleep but something told me I should answer it.

  "Hello?" I asked groggily.

  "Raine."

  My heart sped up in my chest. Only one person calls me by my last name.

  "Fred?" I looked at the clock to see it was almost one in the morning.

  I was answered by silence on the receiving end but the sound of steady breathing told me he was still there. "Fred, what's wrong? Are you okay? How did you get my number?" I couldn't stop the questions from tumbling out of my mouth. I was slightly worried that he was calling me but at the same time relieved that it was me and not someone else.

  "Did you know that there are 18 different animal shapes of Animal Crackers?"

  I said nothing, confused as to where this was going. A trail of unFred-like laughter bubbled through the phone and into my ear.

  "Fred." I ran a hand through my hair and over my face. "Are you drunk?"

  The laughter stopped on the other end and silence once again filled the space between us. I wish he would have answered at least one of my questions.

  "Yes, Annaanna, yes I am." His voice was somber, tired really, and what made my heart twist in my chest was the sadness that

  seeped through it.

  "You've been drinking a lot lately," I stated, picking at the thread that was fraying on the sweater I was wearing. The annoying voice in my head reminded me that this could be normal for Fred. I didn't know him.

  "I drink all the time."

  "Well, maybe you shouldn't." I tried my hardest to keep the edge out of my voice. There was a reason for him calling me but it still got on my nerves that the only time he opens up is when he has a few drinks in him.

  "I don't want to," Fred mumbled into the receiver. His voice was so soft as if he was whispering. I pictured him standing outside with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, foot balancing him against a Annack wall, looking all bad boy and such. But then again, I wasn't even sure if he smoked in the first place.

  "Then don't." A mumbling sound hummed from beyond my closed door which made me wonder if Janet was still up. As if she could hear Fred's voice through my phone, I smashed it closer to my face. "It's not that simple, Raine."

  "Why did you call me, Fred. Do you need something? Are you okay?

  "What's with all the fuçking questions? God, you are so annoying--"

  I pressed the red button so fast I didn't catch the rest of his insults. I flung my head back onto my pillow and heaved a sigh. A tear slide down my cheek which only made me more angry. I hated crying. But most of all I hated crying because of Fred hurting my feelings.

  The steady buzz of my phone going off again made me turn my head towards the glowing screen now laying on the pillow beside me. The screen went dark after

  the first call but lit up again when he tried another.

  Going against my better judgement, I pressed the green button but didn't say anything. Neither did Fred. It was strange that it was almost comforting to just hear his breathing in my ear. "I'm sorry." His voice was raspy as if he was losing it, as if he screamed for so long that it was now hanging on by a thread before it disappeared completely. I sniffed away from the receiver so he wouldn't get the gist that he upset me by his mean words. "I am, Anna, really. I don't know what's wrong with me."

  I do. He was a jerk who got his way by bullying people. He was lonely and simply wanted someone to talk to but he didn't know how.

  "Why did you call?" I asked again. I was tired of beating around the bush. For now on I was going to be straight with Fred. No more games. "I don't know."

  "Yes, you do." I laid back on my mattress and stared up at the ceiling.

  "Where are you?" Fred asked, dodging the question once again.

  "I'll tell you when you answer my question," I shot back.

  The humming from the other room went silent which made this phone call with Fred seem even more intimate. I was thankful for Fred's lack of speaking on the other end because I sat up on my elbows to listen for Janet. I watched the light underneath the door turn black and heard her walk into her room and shut the door.

  "I wanted to see if you knew how many shapes of animal crackers that were made," he finally answered. I couldn't stop from smiling at his innocent answer.

  "How did you get my number

  in the first place?"

  "Nuh-huh-uh, mine first." The playfulness was back in his voice but it brought me no pleasure considering he was intensely intoxicated.

  I sighed and laid my head back down and turned back to my ceiling. "I'm in bed."

  "Me too," he spoke softly as if lost in thought. "And I got your number from Elmer who asked for it from Janet."

  "Okay." The silence wasn't awkward but it wasn't pleasant either. I couldn't tell if he had to tell me something or if he just wanted some company.

  "I'm guessing I woke you up?" He asked softly, his voice so smooth now it was like he took a cool drink of water. Chills ran up my spine from the velvet sound of it.

  "You did but that's okay." I have decided that it was okay because it was Fred.

  "I'm sorry about earlier today too," he continued. "When I walked off like that after you said you didn't want me anymore."

  I was not used to this side of Fred. He apologized twice within minutes, which was nuclear, but then I remembered he gets sappy when he drinks.

  "It's not that Fred," I confessed. He was drunk, I reminded myself. It wasn't like he would remember much of this in the morning if luck was on my side.

  "Yes it is," he said. He sounded like a pouting child who just got told that Santa Claus wasn't real and now he was sulking in his bedroom. "You straight out said that earlier today." "I said it with reason." I took a deep breath to steady my beating heart. "It's different for me." "It's different for me, too."

  I pulled the phone away from my face and checked the screen as

  if I was dreaming. What he was saying could not possibly mean what I want him to mean? I pressed my phone back to my ear only to repeat this action again. He was drinking. I must remember that. "How so?" I pushed. My heart was beating so profoundly in my chest I felt like I was going to convulse and die.

  "I don't want to talk about this, Anna," Fred whined. "I'm drunk and almost out of animal crackers. Will you go get me some more?" "No, way buddy. Get your own animal crackers,"
I laughed feeling lighter at his confession. Maybe there was some hope that he might actually like me too.

  "So we're buddies again?" His voice sounded so young and childish that he made me feel suddenly awake. All the energy from this conversation was now pumping through my blood, sending a giddy feeling throughout my entire body.

  "Keep dreaming," I teased.

  A hoarse groan floated into my ear and shot straight to my toes. "I do, Anna. I'm so hard just thinking about it now." My mouth fell open and my breath caught in my throat. "Fred!"

  Another sound coursed through the phone causing heat to flood to my cheeks. "Not helping, Anna." "Stop or I'm hanging up," I fake scolded. Well, now I was heated and frazzled.

  "No, no, don't hang up. I'll stop," he rushed out making my smile soften on my face. I turned over on my side and snuggled deeper into my comforter. Awkward silence once again filled the air between us. The only sound was Fred's breathing and mine mingling with intensity. It was times like this that my feelings for Fred surfaced. There was no reason I should

  like him in any way. Maybe I just liked him because he stole my first real kiss, that he touched me in ways no one else has. Maybe I liked the way he looked at me when he was trying to intimidate me with those eyes of his.

  "What are you thinking about?" He asked softly over the receiver.

  "Honest?" I kneaded my bottom lip deciding quickly if I wanted to be honest with him. "Honest."

  "You." I held my breath until I felt like my lungs were going to burst. "You shouldn't drink like this Fred, it's bad for your health. Plus you bother me at one in the morning." I chickened out and covered up the you answer the best that I could. I wasn't ready to confess to Fred about how I feel about him. I would probably just be a check next to the name on the list of girls who fell in love with him.

  And I was not in love with Fred. Okay, I wasn't. I am being honest. I have no feelings for him. None. Alright? "Why the hell do you want a relationship?" He abruptly added. "I mean, I pegged you for the relationship type the first time I saw you but--" He sighed heavily on the other end. "I like you, Anna," Fred said after a beat. "I don't like a lot of people, but I like you."

  "You do, now," I smiled into the phone.

  "Don't go getting a big head now, alright. It's not that big of a deal."

  The thing was, I knew that it was a big deal. I wanted to be friends with Fred. I wanted to be something. If I couldn't be what I actually wanted to be to him then I would gladly take being Fred's friend over being strangers.

  "You're different than what

  I thought you would be," he said over a loud rustling on his end. The sound soon stopped and he let out a content sigh. I could say the same to him. I wanted to ask him why he got so mad earlier today and left but I didn't want to squash the hope that it was because he did like me like I liked him. I stayed silent, hoping he would continue in his drunken slur.

  "I thought you were some brainiac, New Yorker wanna-be from some hicktown located God knows where, but you're pretty cool. You're easy to talk to when you're not being nosy as hell--" "Hey!" I laughed.

  "--And you don't take my shit. You don't know how many people just give me what I want because I ask for it. But it's just a pretty face, it won't last forever. My personality, HA! I will die a legend." I rolled my eyes and let him continue to brag about how wonderfully handsome and devilish he was, which I couldn't deny.

  "But you, Anna, you have everything. People like you. People don't like me."

  "You're very intimidating, that's all. Maybe smile once in awhile. People like it when others smile at them," I offered. "And I don't have everything, Fred. Not even close."

  "Tell me about life back in Iowa." His words sounded less slurred and more stable. I looked over at my nightstand to see the time and even though this was nice, I knew that I couldn't keep up a conversation easily when my eyes were practically closing on their own. Working up the courage, I squeezed my eyes shut.

  "How about we talk about this over coffee tomorrow? I really need to go back to sleep." I slowly pried my eyes back open one by one, waiting for his answer.

  "Sure. How does one sound?"

  I held back the squeal that threatened to escape in the back of my throat. "One sounds good." "See you then, Raine."

  "Goodnight." I hung up before I could anxiously add anything else. I ended the call and placed my phone on my nightstand with a smile. That wasn't so hard to do. See, I can be friendly with him. But more than anything, I wanted him to be here with me now holding me until I fell asleep. Holy moly, I am in love with Fred.

  *****

  I walked down to the Starbucks on the first floor of my dorm building to wait for Fred to show up. My knees bounced nervously as I sat at one of the tables and my palms were sweaty. Rubbing them up and down my jeans, I tried my best to play it cool.

  The second he walked through the main entrance of the building my breath caught in my throat. He was so beautiful. The sun glistened off the top of his wavy golden locks making him look like a fallen angel. He wore his normal jeans and a t-shirt but he sported a wool tan coat.

  "Not here," he said grabbing my wrist which then slipped to grip my hand when I lagged behind and pulling me up from the chair I was sitting on, waiting. Not even a hello. "There's a better coffee shop down the block that taste better and doesn't cost more than five bucks."

  I followed him out the door and winced when the cold air hit my face. It was leaning into mid-November and the weather looked to be threatening snow, with the grey/white sky and hair rusting wind. He let go of my hand which

  was searing heat where he gripped and I shivered even more. I pulled my Patet closer around my neck and shoved my hands in my coat pockets. I snuck a peak at Fred's side profile as we walked in silence. He looked hungover. Dark circles lined underneath his eyes and his face seemed a little sunken in. His hair, which was always disheveled, looked liked he just rolled out of bed and was now worst because of the wind.

  "Stop looking at me, Anna. I have a big enough headache that I could crack in two and manage to take you down with me," Fred grumbled.

  I raised my eyebrows mockingly and stepped aside a man with a Annaefcase who wasn't looking where he was going, instead checking his cell phone.

  "Hey!" Fred snapped at the man. "Watch where you're going, will ya?" "Fred," I lightly scolded, shaking my head and smiling softly at the man. He rolled his eyes and straightened his tie around his collar, walking away as if there wasn't an angered man losing his control because of a bump of the shoulder. I tugged Fred's sleeve to keep walking and he finally did after a few rough pulls.

  "You have to toughen up, Anna, if you're going to be here in the city," Fred reprimanded. "Excuse me if I didn't want to get shot in the middle of the sidewalk. Listen," I said stopping him. I looked at his face to measure how upset he was. "If you're going to be in a bad mood then I'm going to turn around and go back home. I have finals to study for. And with everyone gone home, I can actually focus without Janet wanting a spontaneous dance party every hour."

  Fred's eyes closed momentarily. The bags under his eyes seemed more prominent with the bundle of his eyelashes casting a shadow on the tops of his cheeks. I wanted to reach forward and smooth the troubled look off his face.

  "The coffee shop is just another block over." He grabbed my wrist again and hauled me forward. The shop was small and painted in all tans and beiges making it seem more cozy. The second we walked through the doors the smell of ground coffee beans and pastries filled my nostrils. It had to have been the best smell in the world.

  "I'll order and you can grab a table," Fred said already walking away.

  "Fred, wait, I can pay for myself." I hated people spending money on me even if was for a cup of coffee. I always felt like I needed to pay them back in double. Fred gave me a questioning look and rolled his eyes. "Go find a table, Annaanna."

  Well, then.

  With a sigh I shrugged off my Patets and draped it across the metal back of
a chair in the far corner which was secluded from all the rest of the table in the cafe.

  Minutes later he came to the table with two steaming hot coffees in hand. I almost kissed him. Almost. "I didn't put any creamer in it," Fred warned pulling out his chair and plopping down in it. "I don't remember ever seeing you put any in yours."

  I smiled to myself, covering it up with the lid of my coffee, taking a sip. It was perfect. Not too strong and not too watery. I licked my lips to get rid of the hot liquid that accumulated on the opening. Fred looked down at my lips as I brought my tongue

  back into my mouth. He swallowed soundly and dropped his head into his hands.

  "I'm sure Dakota get's your order right," he mumbles. I don't know if he meant for me to hear it but I almost spit my coffee back into the cup. Was that jealousy in his voice?

  "We do get coffee every Monday. If he didn't know it by now I would be offended." I placed my coffee gently on the table top and folded my hands.

  "I don't want to talk about that moron--" I went to tell him to watch himself but he dropped his head into his hand and sighed--"About last night..." I waited for him to continue which seemed was not what he wanted me to do. Sighing forcefully he brought a hand over his face. "Before you ask, I remember everything. I have a tendency to not black out, unfortunately."

  He shook his styrofoam cup, sloshing the coffee around in a world pool, not meeting my eyes. Something happened yesterday, I was sure of it. Something more than just me telling him no.

  "Do you want to talk about it?" My voice was so quiet as if I were to speak any louder he would run away.

  He looked at me for a moment, his teeth prodding his bottom lip distracting me from what I was trying to accomplish. I shook my head slightly and gave him a pointed look. A silent contract was signed between us that what is said at this cafe, stays at this cafe.

  Mentally pulling both of ourselves together for whatever reason, we both squared ourselves up and took a stabling