by Bruce Thomas
hammered in my chest.
I looked up at him and waited for him to look back at me. His eye were closed and one of the arms that hugged me to him unsnaked itself from under me and behind his head. He was so beautiful. Clearing my throat quietly I steadied my breathing and just spat it out. "Did you hear what I said?" Time seemed to freeze as I waited for the words to click with Fred. I was surprised he didn't have any words to share about me saying those three big words that I never thought I would be saying to someone. They were words I never felt the need to say to anyone because no one has ever made me feel this way before.
I felt like I could trust Fred with my deepest secrets. I have told him things I haven't told anybody else and I knew he would keep them. He makes me feel things my body is foreign to feeling but it isn't just about the sexual advances. He dug into my mind and got the pieces of me that no one ever wanted to find.
I know he didn't predict me to say those three words but maybe part of me expected him to say them back.
In a swift movement he was out from under me and getting out of bed. The glory of his fully naked backside walked around the room fetching his clothing. "What are you doing?" I asked pulling the sheets over my chest.
He was not seriously doing what I thought he is doing.
My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and the food we had eaten at his fathers felt like it was going to come up. "This was a mistake," He said, hoisting up his jeans and buttoning them. His head went this way and that looking for his shirt and whatever other clothing he took off in the minsk of our heavy makeout session that soon lead to-- oh God.
I couldn't speak, tears burned behind my eyes as I just sat there and watched him gather his things. He thought what we just did was a mistake? Was it a mistake? Because minutes prior to this it sure as hell did not feel like a mistake.
Tears fell over my cheeks as what was happening fully sunk in. He was leaving and he regretted making love to me. But what hurt the most was that it wasn't making love to him, it was sex. Meaningless sex because he didn't love me. He said sweet things but it was only to get me to seal the deal.
Fred stood frozen at my bedroom door with his head down. Half his body was angled towards the door and the other half towards me, confused on whether he should bolt or stay. After his little show I didn't want him to stay. I wanted to shout at him and throw whatever I could grab at his head. But my brain couldn't tell my body to move. I remained there half sitting/half laying down, tears blurring the last image of him before he disappeared out my door and slammed the apartment door, making me jump.
I was numb. My brain, my sore limbs, everything, except the chilling pain of betrayal and the harsh reality of being used and tossed aside.
A sob racked through my chest and out of me, shaking me to the bone as my body jolted back as if in slow motion to my pillow. Fred left me. I was a fool into thinking I would be different to him just because he confessed to telling me things he didn't tell anyone else. I was an idiot to let my feelings for him cloud the judgement that he didn't feel the same way.
He did exactly what everyone assumed he would do to me, what he did to every girl he slept with.
And just like most of the girls, I thought I was different. ================= 26
Dakota arrived just on time Monday morning with two coffees in hand. I had just gotten out of the shower when I answered the door. I ignored the fact that I felt and looked liked crap considering I couldn't even get myself to put on a speck of makeup and my hair was a frizzy mess. I had been in a daze all weekend.
Janet pranced around the kitchen in her pjs while Dakota waved boyishly at her and waited for me to grab my books and bag in my room. I ignored their cheery voices and avoided my gaze from my bed. I had changed my bed sheets and even rearranged my room in the past couple days to erase any sign that Fred was here. Except, of course, the one thing that I couldn't erase.
I harshly grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder. It wasn't like I was some romantic or anything but it still stung to have someone do that to you. Part of me was relieved to have gotten it over with. The first time was always the worst, I've heard, and it was always nice to have some experience, right? The other half of me was disappointed that it happened that way. Something that precious was meant for someone who deserved it and what made me even more angry with myself was that I couldn't imagine doing that with anyone other than Fred. I got too caught up in the moment.
Dakota handed me my coffee when I came back into the room and I smiled for what seemed like the first time in the past couple of days when he grinned down at me.
While walking down the flight of stairs, I felt Dakota sneaking glances at me. Oh gosh, did I look different? Could he tell that I slept with someone? That someone
being Fred!
I sipped my coffee and turned my attention on him, peering at him over the lid of my cup. "Everything okay?"
Dakota laughed nervously and brought a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I'm good. But something clearly seems to be up with you."
"Why do you say that?" I asked as I pushed open the dormitory doors. The cool air hit my face and calmed me enough to suck in a giant gulp of New York air. "No offense, okay, but you look exhausted," he pointed out while chuckling to himself when I sent him a faux glare. "And you've been chugging that coffee, which is extremely hot might I add because I spilled some on me on the way up, as if it was your life source. Are you trying to avoid me?" I shook my head and nervously smiled over at him. I was being ridiculous. I needed to move on from my fantasy about Fred. There was nothing I could do to change the other night so I just needed to forget about it. Yeah, I would forget I ever met him and things would go back to normal. Well, as normal as my life was.
"I'm fine. Just super stressed about finals coming up. I don't feel prepared at all." This wasn't a lie. I was anxious about my grades. School has always been my escape and lately I have been putting school on the backburner because of Fred--Ugh! There I go Annanging him up again-
"Yeah, I don't blame you. I have my senior thesis to write and I've barely done any research of the topic." We rounded the corner of the main court and came upon our building.
"I could help you sometime," I offered. I finished my coffee and tossed it into the first trashcan I could find. Even if it wasn't my own school work I was focusing on, I could use the distraction of helping a friend.
"Really?" He asked cupping his drinking closer to him to warm his hands. "Maybe you could read it sometime this week and give me some tips."
I shrugged my shoulders and smile mischievously at him. He raised his eyebrows at me and slowly a smile spread across his face too.
"What's that look for?"
I bit down on my lips and looked around us. "How about we skip class today and go somewhere instead. Get a head start on your thesis and grab a quick bite." I knew it was wrong for me to suggest we skip classes with such a short amount of time until finals but I didn't think I could sit through a lecture without my brain going into overdrive about how messed up my life was at the moment.
"Okay," Dakota said without skipping a beat.
"Alright. You lead the way."
We walk down the sidewalk backtracking our way back to my dorm. Instead of heading back up to his place, Dakota lightly grabbed my arm and steered the opposite way. I didn't question where we were going but continued to follow him until we came to a large library.
He opened the door for me and I thanked him after scurrying into the heated builded. We sat down at a table and he took out his laptop for me to see the screen. I was fairly good at revising papers since Katy barely wrote her own while in high school. She always wrote a little and then Annabed me with skittles to "help" her with the rest AKA finish it.
I read through what he had, swiftly, all while he watched me do so. I would have been self conscious if anyone else was watching me but Dakota made it seem so nonchalant. I always felt the need to fidget when someone was inspecting me but I tried my best to block h
im out and focus on the computer screen.
Once I was done with the last sentence that he had I pivoted the laptop back in his direction. "It's not bad," I said crossing my arms over the table.
"Yeah right, be honest."
"Seriously!" I shrugged my coat off and recrossed my arms over the flat surface of the table. "It's good. You're going to be a wonderful sports journalist someday."
Dakota let out a sigh and slouched down in his seat. "If I can get a job. And if I do, who knows if anyone will like my style."
"Well, you know I will read it which you should feel honored because I'm not a fan of sports." I smiled when his white teeth appeared in a boyish grin.
An awkward beat spread between us and he coughed trying to cover it up. I fought the laugh that bubbled up in my throat and tucked a strand of hair behind my ears avoiding his eyes. "I'll go get the encyclopedia and we can get started," he suggested, getting out of his chair and disappearing behind a tall book shelf.
I pulled my long sleeves over my hands and rested my chin in them. My foot tap without a thought as I waited for Dakota's return. What was I doing with my life? Sure I was getting a degree but what did I want to do with it? I have always liked kids and I enjoyed helping people but I don't know if I was as dedicated as Anne to become some doctor. Plus all those years of schooling...no, I
wanted to actually live my life and I was already going to be in so much debt by coming here. "Found it!" Dakota's voice pulled me out of my own dilemma in my head with the loud bang of a large textbook being dropped in front of me. He winked like he knew I was daydreaming. I rolled my eyes and pried it open.
We spent most of the morning looking through big books and jotting down notes for Dakota's paper. There even came a time when I laughed so hard from seeing how many pieces of paper I could place on his hair after he fell asleep that I was shushed by a worker after almost falling out of my chair. When he woke up with a jolt, I watch him turn red in embarrassment that he fell asleep then realize that I was messing with him as he did so.
He grabbed the papers around him in handfuls and chucked them back at me. We ignored the looks from those around us and soon decided we should leave before we got kicked out. "Do you want to get some food?" He asked holding the door open for me to leave.
"Sure," I said just as my stomach began to turn. Drinking coffee on an empty stomach was never a good idea in any situation. We walked down the stairs and he stopped me when we reached the bottom.
"Anna, I really appreciate your help. You don't have to do so and that's what I like about you. You're so selfless and one of the nicest people I have ever met." He stopped and looked down at his feet. I didn't have to see his face to know he was embarrassed.
"I wanted to help. You've been a good friend to me since I got here and I appreciate that." I hid my face too, afraid that I was being too girly. He was one of the first people to be nice to me since I arrived in the New York and for that I was thankful.
"We should do this more often--you and me hanging out. It's nice to get to know you without all the crazy lunatics we call friends around." He laughed and I joined in. I nodded feeling lighter already. I looked back up at him to see him smiling again. That was the one thing I liked most about Dakota; he was always smiling. He then looked sideways and in a swift movement pulled me closer to him to allow an older couple to walk by. He nodded respectably at them and then looked back down at me.
I was surprised when he leaned forward and pulled me into a hug. I hesitated before wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders. It didn't take long for his body heat to seep into mine and warm me from the bitter cold wind Annastling around us. The smell of his cologne wafted into my nose and settled my nerves.
It took me a second to realize that someone was yanking me out of Dakota's arms before I could grasp what was about to happen. A strong hand clamped itself around my forearm and before I could yell at whoever it was to get off me, a set of lips crashed down on mine.
=================
27
I knew the lips the second they planted themselves on mine.
I was simply too shocked to move or even kiss him back as his mouth worked itself against mine. The second that he plunged his tongue into my mouth, my eyes, which fluttered closed during the harsh capture, snapped open wide and my hands waved in the air in panic.
"What are you--" I slapped Fred's body away from mine and stepped around him closer to the library stairs. I looked up at Dakota, whose mouth was gaped open wide enough for me to fit my fist in. But, at that moment in time, I didn't want my fist flying towards Dakota to try it, but right at the thug of a jerk panting loudly in front of me.
I was lost for words. I couldn't think of a single thing to comfort Dakota in this awkward situation and I couldn't pick the right words to fling at Fred. Curse after curse climbed their way up my chest but instead of letting out in a verbal assault, they got lodged in my throat making it hard for me to breathe.
What was he doing? Last time I checked, you didn't switch silva with something you considered a mistake. The Fred I remember from yesterday, ran out of my room after taking my virginity. What was he doing?
"What is going on?" Dakota asked looking between both me and Fred, as Fred stood a few yards away looking as if he could kill me after he ripped apart Dakota.
"Why don't you tell him, Annaanna," Fred conjured. He looked at me with narrowed eyes and a heaving chest that looked to threaten a heart attack. At this second though, I felt like I was going to drop dead from the
pain in my chest. Cocking my head, I glared at him with everything in me. All the hurt and confusion was blantly shown on my face resulting Dakota taking a sidestep away from me as if he was scared. He continued to look between us.
"Guys, what is going on? Someone better explain something." Dakota pinned me down with his questioning gaze and I felt it hard to meet it.
All the shame that I was experiencing after Fred left me in my room, naked and alone, resurfaced and I wanted to cry. But instead of crying, my hands overlooked my mind and started thinking for themselves. With balled fist, I went in for the kill. I wanted to smack his pretty face and his smart mouth that even though it felt like I was sinning, I wanted to kiss it over and over again. But Fred's large hand gripped my wrist before it could connect with his jaw. He gripped my wrist so tightly I swore he was going to snap it in half. I've never seen him so mad in my life and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what had him so butthurt.
Dakota stepped in between us and I let him tug me away and surprisingly so did Fred. But Fred didn't stay motionless for long.
"Why did you do that, Fred?" I demanded the answer. My lips still throbbed from the abuse they received just minutes prior.
I watched his eyes flicker to my swollen lips. "He has to know," Fred spoke through his teeth. His voice was barely above a whisper.
"Know what?" Dakota asked exasperatedly.
"Nothing," I said, my jaw clenched. Fred never wanted anyone to know about me before, no one had to know now. Nothing has changed
in that perspective. If I had it my way, I would say nothing changed at all. I was still too stubborn to admit to anything and he was still an asshole. Fred barked out a laugh that sent me forward again. Dakota gripped me around the waist and pulled my back against his chest in a strong hold. He whispered tentatively in my ear to calm down suggesting we could just leave. That was what sent Fred into a frenzy.
I screamed when he lunged forward and gripped Dakota by the collar of his shirt, forcing me to stumble on the stairs. I landed almost gracefully on my backside and quickly pulled myself up to fend him off my friend.
"Stop," I yelled grabbing Fred by the shoulders and pulling him with all my might. Dakota stumbled backwards and straightened, fixing his shirt. The look he gave me had me shaking my head to not ask anymore questions.
"Anna, let's go," Dakota suggested, grabbing my elbow and starting to guide me down the sidewalk.
"She's not goi
ng anywhere with you," Fred earned. He grabbed my hand and started tugging me the opposite way.
With a huff I shook both of them off. I was tired of being grabbed and being told what to do. I was in charge here.
"Enough!" I shouted. A few birds took flight away from the seen. "Fred. Move. Now!" Freds eyes flashed with something that could only be described as cockiness and I almost changed my mind right then and there to wipe it away out of spite but I needed to do what needed to be done. Fred barely moved a muscle. With a huff
I shoved not so lightly against the chest making him back up an inch.
"Dakota I will see you later. I'm going to have a chat with Fred." Before he could argue I held my hand up to stop him. "I'll be fine Koda, I'll text you when I get home." Dakota eyed me for a second longer until I nodded encouragingly, turning back towards the frustratingly confusing man. I didn't bother to look at the smug look on his face as I walked past him and down the street.
I chanted in my head to keep calm. Being aggressive with an easily angered man was never a way to start a conversation. I knew Fred would not physically harm me. I was worried about myself. I don't think clearly when I was around him. I mean, for example, back there I would have bashed his face in if it wasn't for Dakota's quick reflexes.
The sidewalks were deserted as I spotted Fred's SUV and swung open the passenger side door and slammed it shut behind me. Fred stood at the hood running his fingers through his hair trying to calm himself down before he got in the closed space with me.
The only way I knew Fred wouldn't hurt Dakota was to leave with him. I didn't want to--well, I did but I didn't want to, want to. I waited for Fred to start the car and pull away from the curb before I began talking.
"What the hell was that back there? You had no right to do that! You can't just kiss me anytime you want, Fred." My fist clenched and unclenched in my lap as I tried to keep my temper. Me acting bitter wasn't going to make Fred respond in the way that I needed him to. I needed closure from this situation before I moved
on with my life.