by Bruce Thomas
"Hey," he said shoving his hands in his pockets. "I was just going to go knock on your door, actually." "Were you?" I asked inching towards the cafe. I wasn't really in the mood to talk and all I really wanted was some coffee. My head was pounding from lack of sleep and the stressful days that followed. "How come?"
Dakota followed me to the barista and pulled out his wallet as I ordered. I denied him but he insisted, saying that I would pay next time. In all honesty, I was running low on money and I was happy he offered.
"So," I said blowing on my coffee before taking a drink. "What is it you wanted?" He sat down across from me and sipped his drink before he spoke. I could tell by the antsy way he tapped his fingers against his styrofoam cup that he was nervous about something. I waited patiently, actually happy that there was silence so the slitting noise wouldn't shake my brain more than it had too. I really needed sleep.
"I was just wondering..." He trailed off and picked at the whole in the lid of his cup.
"Just spit it out Koda," I laughed leaning forward in my seat. He looked up from his lid and straightened, centering himself, and smiled his thousand watt smile at me.
"Do you want to catch a movie or something? Right now."
My mouth went slack and I'm sure I stared at him for a good minute before shaking the shock off and smiling in his direction. "Sure!"
This is exactly what I needed.
"Really?" He asked wiping his palms on his jeans. It was comical really to see him practically bouncing in his seat. I was happy he was happy.
"Yeah, but I have to come home straight afterwards. I have my first exam tomorrow afternoon." "Oh course," he said standing up. I followed suit, chugging the rest of my coffee, and tossing it in the trash. =================
30
We sat in the theatre that was stationed on campus. Other college students scattered about, some clusters of girls and couples who were wrapped up in each other's arms. Then there was Dakota and me. We sat in the comfy padded chairs staring at the screen avoiding conversation.
Mean Girls was showing which was requested by the majority of students. I have seen this movie more times than I could count but I have never been more interested in Lindsay's oversized pink shirt in my life. I would focus on anything that didn't involve Dakota's fidgeting hand resting on our joint arm rest.
I was aware that he liked me. But I wasn't sure if I liked him like that. Yes, he was nice, so, so, nice, but I didn't feel that spark when he was around me. I was aware it was uncool of me to lead him on like this. I was being selfish in order to get Fred off my brain. I felt comfortable. Which I guess was good. But I didn't want safe, I wanted passion. I was going to go full force in this if I was even going to consider a relationship of any kind.
Dakota was great. He was smart, caring, always wanting to make me feel apart of the group. Like that time at the mexican restaurant when he noticed how tense I was about Sydney showing up with Fred. He paid only attention to me while everyone else was flaunting about this and that.
Then why didn't I reach over and lace my fingers through his? What was stopping me? Some couple beside us were moaning and groaning into each other's mouths as they played tonsil hockey. She was practically on his lap which would be close to my lap. I looked over at Dakota who was gawking at them as well.
We bursted out laughing at the same time and I covered my hand over my mouth to stifle my laughter. Relaxing finally, I braced my head on his shoulder while we continued to giggle.
Halfway through the movie he leaned over and whispered in my ear. "Want to head out?" I nodded and he reached over and tugged on my hand for me to stand up. I let him lead me out the theatre and into the chilly night air.
"Well that was something," he laughed Annanging my hand to hook around his arm. I giggled and balanced some of my weight onto him. "I needed that laugh. It's been such a crazy month that I don't think I've done anything that was remotely fun in a while. So thank you." His cheeks tainted pink at my compliments and his walking slowed. Butterflies bursted in my stomach as he came to a halt.
"What's so crazy that it has you all--" He shook what looked like jazz hands in the air and I sombered at his question.
I shrugged and looked out towards the cars passing us on our place on the sidewalk. Car horns honked and music rang out from the shop next to us as a man opened the door and it quietened as it shut. "Is it Fred?"
My heart jumped at his name and an unwelcomed ball blocked my throat as I tried to swallow. I didn't deny it for the first time and just looked up at the sky with a sigh.
"It's complicated."
Dakota looked down at his feet. One foot stepped closer to me in the cold air and when I looked up he was watching me intently. "You don't have to tell me. I know it is. I see the way you two are around each other. It's impossible not to notice how he's different with you. The chemistry practically radiates from you both."
I scoffed and cleared my throat wanting the wedge to go away.
"No, really," he said reaching out and tucking a fly away hair behind my ear. My heart sped up at the close proximity we were standing. "You don't have to be ashamed of it." I did feel ashamed of it. I had feelings for someone who didn't return them. Or at least wouldn't admit to returning them. No matter how convincing Dakota's little speech on how Fred is different around me was, I knew he was the same person. He may treat me maybe nicer than other girls but the outcome was the same. I was alone.
I didn't want to feel alone anymore. I knew that everything happens for a reason. There was a reason that I chose Fred. There was a reason that I was standing here right now with Dakota. I just felt so conflicted and confused.
"I don't know what to do," I admitted. When my eyes met his clear blue ones I knew what he was thinking. I didn't have the guts to deny him because I, too, was curious on what it would be like to kiss him.
"We could try something," he suggested, taking a deep breath. "You don't have to but if it doesn't feel right then I'll never do it again, okay?" He stepped close enough so that his face was an inch or so from mine. "I just have to see, Anna. I have to know if I might have a chance."
I numbly nodded my head and anticipated his lips on mine. I closed my eyes before they did and was pleased with how soft they were. It was a soft kiss, a slow innocent one that was
pleasing to the touch but I was disappointed to say there were no sparks. It didn't make me want to pull him closer or run my fingers through his hair.
When he pulled back, we opened our eyes at the same time. I waited guiltily for his reaction and was relieved to see conflict on his face too. Both of us broke into a fit, once again, at the same time. "That was...weird," he said stepping away from me. The intense atmosphere shattered and was left light and airy.
"Yeah," I agreed shaking with laughter. "Kind of like kissing my brother." "Ew, Anna," he chuckled hooking an arm around my shoulder. We rounded the bend to our dorm building and he opened the door for me. I thanked him and sent him a wink which had him reeling again.
"Friends," he abided, reaching out his hand for me to take. I grasped it and nodded sternly. I was so relieved that he felt nothing too.
"Friends." I pulled him into a hug and held him tightly. Sighing into his chest I felt lighter, more free than I had in awhile. "Thank you for being a good friend, Dakota."
"I'm here whenever you need me, Anna." I smiled up at him and for the first time since meeting him, had no attraction of any kind except loyalty. His blue eyes seemed less conflicted when he looked into mine and his smile seemed relaxed and effortless. He dramatically sighed, his chest expanding out then back in again and he looked happy. I was happy to see my friend look happy.
As I pulled him back in for another hug, I rested my chin on his shoulder.
That's when my heart stopped.
It wasn't the fact that
he was hugging me. It was who was watching as we said our goodbyes.
Dakota must have felt my body tense because he pulled back slightly on
ly to see my line of direction. He tilted his head to look behind him.
"Do you want me to stay?" He asked, his jaw tight and his lips in a thin line. I thought about it before I declined and sent him up the stairs. He kissed my cheek goodnight which I knew was for show and it worked because Fred looked away. I didn't miss Dakota's cheeky smile and wink that was sent my way as he headed up the stairs. I watched him leave before I turned my attention back to the task at hand. I silently approached Fred.
"Can we talk?" He asked. There was something different about Fred as he stood there. I figured he would look mad or some ridiculous emotion he felt whenever Dakota was around but he showed no sign of anger. I hated to admit that I was a little disappointed.
"Now's not really a good time." I fidgeted with my coat sleeves.
"Please, Anna." Those two lines that crease between his brows stood prominent as his eyes darted between my own. "I just want to apologize and then I'll let you go."
I'll let you go. Why did those words send a crash of hurt to my chest? I crossed my arms loosely around my torso and nodded. "I'm sorry about the other night. I didn't know she texted you," he said. Annanging her up made me want to run away. "It wasn't what I'm sure it looked like. She and I are nothing. We haven't been for awhile. And I didn't tell her anything if that is something you want to know. Our business it our business."
I nodded again. Finally getting the guts to do so I connected my eyes to his. He looked tired, even more so than usual. He had dark circles under his eyes that framed his bottom flashes like decor. He was wearing his normal black hoodie even in this cold weather and for a second I thought to offer him my mittens. But I knew he wouldn't wear pink knitted mittens.
"I also wanted to let you know that I deserved what you said. You were right. I am nothing. You deserve to love someone who has a plan, someone who can take care of you. I'm not that."
"I didn't mean that, Fred." I stepped closer to him but clasped my hands into fist so I wouldn't touch him. "I feel terrible about saying that." "I needed to hear it," he said calmly. Why was he so calm? The Fred I knew would have smashed his fist into the first wall that came in his view. The man standing in front of me had slumped shoulders and was speaking in hushed tones.
I bit my lip to keep from asking the question I so wanted to know. Like normal though, I couldn't stop the words from tumbling out. "So, you didn't hook up with Sydney?" The images of his hands skirting around her body while they swayed to the music at the nightclub danced before my eyes and the green monster crept its way up my back.
"Truth," he said lifting his eyebrows. I nodded. "I asked her to hang out last night because I needed a distraction."
So the plan was to sleep with her...
"Distraction from what, exactly?
"You."
This wasn't unusual, him being honest, but it still caught me off guard. Here we
were standing in the middle of the main lobby having a conversation that just took a turn for the deep end.
"But no, I didn't. I left the club alone the second you disappeared."
I didn't say anything. I held his eye contact in hope that he would elaborate. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Anna, you've ruined me." He cynically laughed and blinked a few times before looking back at me. "I used to be able to get any girl that I wanted and fûck at anytime of the day and now...now they run away because I ask them why they leave their hair straight when they could curl it or I accidentally say your name when I shouldn't. Sometimes I even accidentally Annang you up in conversation about things we find funny and it pisses them off. It's fûcking ridiculous and it's driving me mad! It's not that I don't care about you, because believe it or not, I do. I care about you probably more than I've ever cared about anyone. And because of that, I can't be with you the way you want me to."
I went to open my mouth to protest, that we could be together if we just tried. But he stopped me with a shake of his head. "I'm good for the sex, yes, but the emotional stuff, not so much. I want to keep you safe," he pointedly said. His eyes narrowed as he studied my face. "And in order to keep you safe you can't have feelings for me. I meant it when I said you shouldn't feel any pain, that I don't want to hurt you. You are one of the most kind hearted, gentlest person that I have ever met, Anna, and you deserve someone who is able to provide for you and be able to make you smile
when you're not."
"You make me smile all the time," I interrupted. I wanted to reach out to him but I knew he would just jerk away. I wanted to kiss him, but I knew I would feel even more confused when he didn't pull away. "Not more than I intentionally make you cry." He swallowed harshly while running a hand through his wavy hair. "It kills me to see you crying yet I do it."
He cared for me. He liked me for who I was and that was all I could ask for. One by one I was checking off the list of problems that were burdening my life here in New York. The one thing that made it hard to walk away was that I still loved him. I did. I knew that it was crazy to still believe that but the feeling was so prominent that it made it hard to breathe.
"I'm leaving to go home after finals this week," I said out of nowhere.
Fred's head jerked up and his eyes, those stormy eyes that appeared hazel at this moment, creased. "Right," he said moving his fist around in his pockets. "That would make sense."
Heavy weighted silence followed, leaving us both standing there wondering who would break the ice and speak first. Breathing out an exhausted sigh, I started to back away. "Look, I have a final tomorrow."
"Oh, yeah," Fred said moving the opposite way. "I'll let you go."
Ill let you go...
I wanted to kiss him one last time. It felt like the proper goodbye thing to do. But instead of connecting my lips to his, I went for the cheek. My lips lingered longer than they probably should have, but I couldn't get myself to make it Annaef.
When I pulled back, Fred's eyes fluttered open as if they closed at my touch.
"Goodbye, Fred."
He didn't say anything as I walked away. With quivering lips, I entered the stairwell and went back upstairs. Janet was eating in the livingroom when I walked it. She was alone, no Elmer in sight, and I had to wonder if she told him. Of course, I didn't ask because I was afraid she would bite my head off like she usually did the multiple times I've brought it up. I sat down next to her on the couch and stole one of her chips from its bag.
"Hey," she whined hugging the bag to her chest. "Those are mine. I'm eating for two now, you know." The chip wedged itself in the back of my throat causing me to cough a couple of time. "There could be two in there...or five." Janet rolled her eyes. "Bite your tongue."
I smiled and reached for another chip. She seemed to be in a good mood all of a sudden. "So, does this mean you told Elmer?"
She straightened her spine as she sat up and gave me a nod. "Yup."
I waited for her to give me more than that and when she remained silent, I gave her a look that scream, Come on girl, spill! "He handled it pretty well," she admitted smiling lightly to herself as if she was remembering something funny. "I mean, after he almost fainted like a woman in one of those olden day movies, he was okay. Really okay, actually. He wants to move in together."
"Is that what you want?" I asked. Inside there was a mariachi band playing their trumpets at the thought of her giving this child a chance. Without hesitation she nodded her head up and down. "Yes, yes I do--we do."
"I'm glad."
Janet gave a snort of laughter that had her clutching her still flat stomach. "He talked to my stomach and everything. Named it Rudolph."
I joined in on her laughter and leaned back into the couch. "Please spare that child," I begged. She hummed and looked off into the distance, still slowly rubbing circles over her stomach. We didn't Annang up school, nor did we discuss her telling her parents. We simply just sat there staring at the wall with content smiles on our faces.
=================
31
A year...I have bee
n writing this story for a year already! Man, time flies by.
"Jeez you have a lot of things?" Dakota complained as he carried everything but my plane ticket down to the main floor.
"You offered to carry it," I said side eyeing him as he rolled his eyes and got a better grip on the handle. My plane left in three hours and I was a nervous wreck. Half of it was because I've never flown before and the other half was from coming to the conclusion that I wouldn't be returning to NYU. When I told Janet, she cried, which had me crying, which had Anne crying...It was a total cryfest. Dakota showed great remorse about it but I could tell he was trying to be supportive.
There was only one person that I couldn't Annang myself to tell. Fred stood by the door with Elmer, arm wrestling because everyone kept joking that he was going to get a dad bod once Janet's nine months were up. Dakota eyed me when we saw him and I tried to play it off the best I knew how. I ignored it.
Fred waved intimidatingly as he saw me and I smiled because the sight of it was funny to me. He pinned Elmer's hand down like he was suddenly bored of waiting for his friend to make the move and made his way over to me.
"Man, Raine, that's a lot of stuff you have there. You taking your whole room with you or something?" Fred reached towards my suitcase in Dakota's hand and took it.
Dakota didn't protest but stepped forward and hugged me. "Take care of yourself, Anna." He held me tight and placed a kiss on my forehead.
I closed my eyes and tried
to remember every scent, every warm feel of him because there was a chance it would be the last time for who knows how long. I had promised to make an effort at meeting up with him in the near future. "I'll see you soon, alright?" He nodded as he let me go and wiped a runaway tear that escaped down my cheek with the pad of his thumb.
Fred stood off to the side with a misguided look on his face as he watched all this go down. Once Dakota left, Fred turned back my way and cleared his throat.
"Are you two..."