by Bruce Thomas
With the exhaustion of the day and the dampness of the weather, I began to shake. My insides were warm but my skin was freezing from the cold concrete surrounding us.
"Let's get you inside." Fred unhooked his arms from around me which lead me to believe I really was freezing to death with the warmth of his body now gone.
He lead me to his bed where he sat me on the edge. His eyes connected sternly with mine. "I'm just going to tuck you into bed, okay."
My water logged body managed to nod. I wanted to come up with a sarcastic comment but didn't have the energy to do so. He pulled my jeans off with some help from me and then he lifted my sweater over my head. When I was just in my plain bra and mismatched panties, he then pulled his own tshirt over his head and then slipped it over mine. I had no complaints as his smell wafted over me, cocooning me like a blanket. The gesture was cute and a little possessive and I would be lying if I said I didn't love it.
He pushed my shoulders down to the mattress and I swung my legs under the bed covers. I wasn't surprised when Fred slid under them too on his side of the bed.
"Just let me be here for you, Anna."
Safeness washed over me like a tidal wave. It was raw and it was welcomed as I laid there more vulnerable there ever before.
I reached behind me for his hand. When I found it, I laced our fingers together and brought his arm around my waist to hold him close. Every thought of secrets and lies went under the bed that night because all I wanted to focus on was Fred and me and how good it felt to feel loved and wanted by someone I care just as much, if not more, for.
=================
42 I was sitting in my Bio II class, focusing as hard as my brain would let me on the equation my professor had on the board. I couldn't wait until I was done with my gen eds and could focus on an actual major. I was leaning towards a degree in social services, I think. After taking multiple self quizes with my academic advicers, that was one of the areas I scored highest in. It was either that or a preschool teacher, which I think I would like too.
It had been a week since I ran out of my parent's home. Did I mention that I had been crying like a baby and clingy as ever to Fred throughout the past week? Well, I had. He practically had to force me to come to classes after the weekend but I pulled myself together, cleaned up the self pity act, and set forth to campus.
I loved NYU. Everything about it spoke wonders to me. The campus was beautiful and lively and after stepping out of my first class Friday morning and breathing in the cool air, I began to feel like myself again. My real self. The self that loved this city and all the energy that it protruded. I pushed past the bad and focused on forgiveness and love. The two most important things you could have in life. Okay, I sounded like a Hallmark movie but for real. I chose to take the forgive and forget road.
I forgave Bethany for her abusive ways while I was growing up. I turned out fine after all. I forgave her for leaving me because she was right, it was the better choice for me. Who knows how different I might have been if she stuck around.
I forgave Nick for not wanting anything to do with me before he even knew I was born. I didn't want another person sticking around just because they thought it was the right thing to do. I had my uncle and that was the one person I could count on growing up. He was my dad. I even forgave Fred. Because Pat couldn't be here to watch after me during this hard time, Fred stepped up and I was okay with it. I told him he didn't have to but I was glad he was showing more emotion about his feelings than he had through our whole relationship. I felt like we finally knew everything about each other, the good and the ugly.
But I didn't forget.
I didn't forget the abuse I took from Bethany. I didn't forget that my father pretty much wanted me dead. And I didn't forget how toxic and incompatible Fred and I were. When I arrived back to Fred's apartment after class, he was sitting on the couch talking on the phone. He acknowledged me with a nod of the head when I walked into the room and a second or so later, he ended the call.
"Who was that?" I asked nosily. I was still anxious about the whole drug dealing thing and even though he told me he was through with it, I was still weary. "My dad."
"Your dad?" I turned in his direction and placed a hand on my hip after setting down my school stuff. "Yeah," he said. "My dad."
"Okay." I sat down at the table and took out my books to do my assignments. I figured I should get something done before leaving tonight.
It didn't take long for Fred to walked over to me. He sat down next to me, resting his chin in his palm. I set my pen down and gave him my full attention.
"I
called and asked him about the job. You know, the one with the numbers and stuff. He said I have it if I'm serious about it. I start training tomorrow." I could feel the worry lines forming on my face as I took this news in. I watched the way his eyes creased unhappily around the corners and his front teeth bit into his lip seductively. I'm sure he didn't mean it to be so but everything Fred did seemed to affect me. Even at the worst of times.
"And this is what you want?" I placed my hand over his and gave it a supportive squeeze. "Please tell me you're not taking this job with your father because of me. You hate everything that has to do with sports and numbers, Fred. You said you didn't want this job before so, why now?"
"I know I did but that was the past. This is a new leaf. I need to make a good future for us." He laced his fingers through mine and squeezed my hand back. I couldn't ignore the burst of butterflies as they fluttered at his words.
"Our future? Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?" A smile broke through his serious facade.
"So, I'm your boyfriend again?" He asked scooting closer to me. I instantly tensed at my slip. "No. Sorry. I got used to saying it in my head when we were... Nevermind. The point is, take the job if you want it and if you don't, don't. Do something you actually want to do with your time. Do something that makes you happy and makes you want to get up every morning."
Fred's eyes hooded themselves as they dropped to our intertwined hands. I had to force myself to disconnect them and
I stood up away from the table.
"I just came to get my things," I said, changing my mind on staying longer just to be in his presence more. It wasn't a good idea in the end. It was only hurting both of us. I was moving into Janet's old bedroom in my old dorm seeming it selfish to make Whitney move out of mine and into Janet's, tonight. Since her and Elmer were finished moving their things into their new place just outside of campus, I figured it was time to move on.
Staying here only gave Fred the wrong idea and clearly false hope. Staying here only gave me more heartache because I knew this wouldn't work out. We were two completely different people no matter how much I wanted to think we came from the same cloth.
I wanted an education, an adventure that took me to different places and brought me to meet different people. I couldn't settle for the first one who showed remote interest in me. This, I knew, but my heart and brain were on different wave lengths for that concept. In a way, I didn't feel like I was settling. New York wasn't the only place I wanted to see and if Fred and I became serious, I now see that it is the only place I would be.
"You don't have to leave tonight," he said standing up too.
He seemed like a different man standing in front of me. Where was the cocky, play boy that I first met? Where was the guy who slept with anything that had long legs and a perky chest? Who was this gentle, caring, glummy guy sitting in front
of me? I wasn't good for Fred either.
"I do," I insisted with a tiny shrug.
I was caught off guard when Fred stepped forward and wrapped his arms loosely around my back. I gasped from the contact and instant tears sprung in my eyes.
"I would do anything to make you smile, to make you feel safe. Please tell me you do know that." His chin dug into the crook of my neck. "I love you." The words slipped out in a sigh before I could leash them back in. I felt the sudden need to take it back like al
ways but he leaned forward, cupping my face with his large hands and crashed our mouths together.
Pure passion raced through me. A shiver ran up my spine as Fred pulled me closer to him, standing me up straighter and pushing me towards his bedroom. A whoosh of air escaped my lips as, in our rush, we almost tumbled over each other.
I was the one who made the first move only because I needed to give in to myself one last time. I knew it only made things more complicated when this stopped--we stopped--but I couldn't stop. I tore Fred's shirt over his head, leaving his lips for only a millisecond before reconnecting them with mine. His fingernails indented my skin, leaving marks on the soft flesh where my shirt met my pants. Those were gone within a heartbeat just like Fred's and we were falling back on the bed.
So many memories laid beneath us. Times where I wish I could have to myself because I was ashamed that they would soon mean nothing to him because I knew Fred. The Fred, who covered his emotions with meaningless
sex and countless women, that Fred I sure did know. I knew so many side of Fred I could have wrote a book called Fifty Shades of Montgomery but I wasn't so bothered by that more as the one girl who would mean something to him down the road and that one girl was someone other than me.
He pushed me down into the mattress, straddling my waste as he ducked down to attack the flesh of my chest.
I would miss this. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that my body would no longer ignite itself with the feel of Fred's warm mouth.
"I want to do you everyday." His voice vibrated my whole being as he spoke. He took one of my nipples in between his teeth and pulled, making me inhale sharply. "You make me happy to wake up every morning. You're the only thing that makes me happy. Don't leave me," he begged as he entered me in one smooth push.
I cried out as he went all the way to the hilt, the pressure too sweet and torturous that I couldn't think for a moment until he pull back, only to be blinded by another push forward.
Ragged moans and sharp gasps filled the air as our bodies collided together.
I would miss the intense feeling of Fred's breath hitting the sensitive part of my neck as he rocked into me, claiming every inch of my being until it tangled with his and exploded like stardust. I once wanted nothing other than Fred loving me. And now that he claims he did, I wished he didn't because it made things that much harder to go our separate ways. We loved each other but sometimes
love just wasn't enough.
Maybe it was bad timing. Maybe we would have actually worked out, like really worked out, if I had my future down pat, a one where I reached my goals and was now ready for a challenge. That challenge being loved by Fred Montgomery. Maybe he needed to mature and find out what he really wanted in life instead of winging it like he does.
I have endured too much pain in the past year to allow myself to bury it in what was bound to be more. I needed to be selfish and independent in order to figure out what I needed in life. "Please, Anna. I love you. You're the only girl I will ever love. You're it for me." He rocked into me leaving my breath caught in my throat until I cried out again. The emotional pain was too much mixed with the sweet way he was loving me.
I wasn't sure but my left shoulder grew wet. I wanted to say it was from the steady stream of tears flowing from my eyes but I wasn't one hundred percent sure and I didn't want to know. I couldn't bare seeing Fred cry.
"Don't say that," I choked out. The tight feeling was already balling up in my lower stomach. I tightened my legs around his waste and he growled lowly into my skin. Goose bumps rose all over my body. When I came, I arched my back into his chest, wanting to keep my body as close to his as if touching from head to toe might actually infuse our souls and make it so we were imprinted forever. Fred cried out as he came and I whimper at the feel of him doing so. In our haste chase of irrational lust, we made the most crucial mistake. We officially marked ourselves of each other emotionally and physically. It was iconic that the last time would indeed imprint us together in a way we never allowed our selves to do before.
Fred collapsed on top if me, deliciously putting all him weight on me.
"Shit," he said hoarsely, making goosebumps reappear. "I'm so sorry, Anna, I couldn't get myself to stop before..."
"No," I said in a whisper. "It's fine. I'll pick something up from the drug store once I get to campus." I felt detached from the situation. Not every time do you get pregnant when you don't use protection but it didn't take a freaking genius to know that it did happen. We were parting ways because of opportunities and dreams and that would seem worthless with a baby in the mix. I couldn't lie and say the mind boggling idea didn't warm a special place in my chest. Which was batshit crazy, even for me.
He ducked back down and rested his body over mine. It didn't take long before his body grew slack and I knew I had to leave.
The jolt of pain rocketed through me at the memory of Fred leaving me that night of my first time. And here I was doing it to him when this was the first time he showed me so much of his soul. I couldn't dare look at his sleeping body as I gathered my things and left him.
* * * * *
“So you're telling me that you would choose The Voice over American Idol?" I said to Dakota, who sat across from me on the floor. He showed up just after I stopped crying hysterically and snotting all over myself.
He slurped some low mein noodles off his fork before nodding his head. "Every time."
"But American Idol is classic. Why change things when they're good?" I shook my head and pushed my broccoli around my plate. "Who knew adding spinning chairs would make things interesting." "Oh, you didn't get the memo?" Dakota winked and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
I wasn't in a smiley mood but having a friend like Dakota here lightened the fog over my heart just a tad. "Thanks for the food," I said, finally taking a bite of my beef and broccoli.
"I figured it's the least I could do." He sent me over a sheepish smile and I tried my best to give him one back.
I threw down my utensil and sat up on my knees. "Care for a movie or something? I'm thinking one filled with gore and horror." I didn't think I could handle a romantic comedy like usual. Maybe never again. "Sounds good to me. You pick something out and I'll do the dishes."
I was going to decline because it was my place but I hated doing dishes more than anything else. Nothing grossed me out more. I slipped in Saw II
and sat down in the couch, tucking my legs under me.
"What a choice," Dakota teased, settling down next to me on the other cushion.
I smiled guiltily up at him through the dark lit room. Minutes ticked by before words were spoken again.
"Just to let you know, so you're not side tracked, but everyone is talking about it. You and Fred calling it quits. People like Sydney and stuff. I thought I should warn you."
My eyes closed and squeezed before I reopened them to focus on the screen. The volume was on low but just enough for me to hear to horror filled screams.
"Thanks," I said flatly, training my eyes on the tv. "For letting me know, I mean." Silence filled the small area again. Everything was quiet except for my brain. I wanted to vomit at word getting around in our little friend group. Did Fred wake up and call Sydney the second he saw I was gone? He needed another body to keep him warm? Maybe he called Elmer and he told Janet and we all know she talks a lot.
"You know he's not worth the heartbreak, right?"
I wanted to scoff. What did he know? Dakota didn't even know Fred. Or at least not the real Fred.
Dakota placed a finger under my chin and tilted my face so I was looking at him. "There are better guys out there who will make you smile more than you cry." I didn't miss the way his eyes lowered to my lips. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, like
the couch was shrinking and Dakota and I were growing closer in distance.
I was caught off guard when Dakotas mouth landed in mine. For a second I was stunned. My eyes stayed open, wide, refusing to see what he was doing. I didn't s
nap out of it until his hands clamped almost roughly behind my ears and his mouth tried prying mine open.
"What are you doing?" I gasped, shoving him away from me on the couch. I stood up, almost tripping over my own feet while doing so.
"I thought it was obvious?" He said, standing up too. His blue eyes almost looked ghostly peering down at me. "But you don't like me like that!" I pushed my hair out of my face, my cheeks becoming extremely hot. This was too much. "You said so yourself. I though we cleared this up, Dakota. I don't feel that way about you."
"So I lied," he shrugged.
"But I didn't!" I said, my voice raising.
"We could be great together, Anna," Dakota claimed, taking a step closer to me. I took one back. "Why are you so held up on that jailbird, anyhow? He doesn't make you laugh like I do. He doesn't make you smile like I do. Do you know how many times I had to stand back and watch him manhandle you for his own selfish needs? I could make you forget him."
I just stood there, mouth hanging open and eyes bugged. I was not really hearing this. I needed a friend right now and I thought that Dakota probably knew
that. I didn't need a rebound! Christ, I thought he was gay, dare I even say. This was the last situation I though would pop up on the shit list.
"Dakota stop," I hissed when he reached forward to cup my face again. "Don't tell me you don't feel it too." He ducked down and tried to reattach his lips to mine but I ducked away. "I lied because I thought that if I didn't, you would run away and figure we couldn't be friends anymore. But now that you stopped whoring yourself out to Montgomery, we could finally give it a whirl."
I pushed him away roughly with all my might when he tried to kiss me again. He was not the person I thought he was. Hearing those words come out of his mouth made me feel dirty and rightfully pissed off.
"Get out of my apartment," I seethed, the words barely fitting through my clenched teeth. Dakota froze and dropped his hands to his sides. "I knew you would do this."
"Get out of my apartment, Dakota." I was seeing red. I'm sure if this was a cartoon, smoke would be steaming out of my ears. "Now." Dakota watched me for a second as if sizing me up for a fight. My hands clenched into fist by my sides. "I thought--" he actually had the nerve to look like a sad puppy.