Beautiful Life

by Bruce Thomas

  "You thought wrong." I was sad that the Chinese food and the movie was all just a ploy to get in my pants. Dakota didn't care that I was heartbroken about another boy. He was rejoicing and thought now would be the perfect time to pounce. Men.

  I threw open the door and ushered him out. I kept my eyes on him, as he did me, until finally he stepped across the threshold.

  "Anna, I'm--" I slammed the door in his face before he could say what ever he wanted to say. The nice, innocent side of me felt bad for hurting his feeling on not returning them but the now more dominate side of me was beyond upset.

  How dare he! How dare anyone not take my feelings into consideration. It hasn't even been 24 hours and people were already making jokes. I bet there was even a bet. How long do you think Anna and Fred would last? How did people even know about us in the first place? Seems I had been in my own bubble when it came to the two of us, not caring or noticing anything that didn't involve us.

  Whitney walked through the door while I was having my little tizzy, groceries in hand. "Are you okay?" She asked, setting the food down and stepping towards me like I was a feral animal.

  I didn't know her well, and she was no Janet or Katy, but I stepped forward and sobbed into her chest like someone was indeed sawing my insides apart. =================

  43

  It didn't take long for people to figure out I didn't want to be bothered. Only one person didn't get the memo. I was sitting in my bedroom trying to focus on my class load but of course my brain was on a different track. The track straight to broken-hearted ville.

  To be completely honest, I was handling this better than I imagined I would. I still missed Fred more than anything. Just last week, I went over to Elmer and Janet's new place and yes, the whole time I felt like I was looking around corners hoping Fred would jump out and scare me.

  I had asked about how he was when not seeing him started to hurt too much.

  "Haven't seen much of him," Elmer answered honestly. "That's not really anything different though."

  I didn't pry anymore than that. I didn't want to hear really because I couldn't handle the old Fred's antic. It might split me in two. Their apartment was small, kind of like our campus apartment, but they got to call it their own. I can't lie and say seeing Janet and Elmer together, her stomach looking like she ate too many burgers, happy, didn't make the ache spring to life in my chest. It just wasn't Fred and mine's time, I knew that. Deep, deep down, I knew that. I also knew it was my decision but that doesn't make it sting less.

  My body felt empty, like my soul was shriveled up and hiding in the dark corners of my chest, the part where my heart was supposed to be. I now knew why some people didn't date, or in my experience, lack of.

  There was a knock on my door that made me

  spring off the bed. You can guess who I thought it was. You might be shocked at who it actual was. I know I was. "Hi," Bethany, my mother said. Her breath came out airy like she walked the stairs too quickly. I said nothing. My mind wouldn't put two and two together. Why was she here? How did she find me? "Is now a bad time?"

  I blinked a few times. Bad time? Yes. Was there ever a good time? No.

  "What are you doing here?" I asked. My voice sounded freakishly the same as hers even to my ears.

  Her hair was curly around her face, just like mine except hers was blonde. I couldn't remember if she dyed it or it was naturally that way. Nick's hair was dark, so maybe that's where I got it from, along with my other features. I haven't looked in the mirror for weeks sickened that I looked like him.

  I knew I looked sleep deprived from countless nights of dreaming about Fred and from trying to catch up on homework since I had been slacking. I needed better grades than last semester to hold up my scholarships.

  It's been a month since I've truly smiled. I wouldn't go back home though. I could tough it out. I would have to get used to not being around him. One month skirted by like a millennium. I'm sure I would die within a year from the torture.

  "Are you busy?" She asked, peeking around my shoulders. Something nagged at me that she was seeing if Fred would come out of hiding and scare her off. "Why?" I leaned up against the door frame, blocking my apartment from her.

  It was messy. Turns out Whitney isn't as much of a clean freak as Janet, and I surely wasn't either so the place looked like a disaster. Cereal boxes and empty glasses loitered the tables and counters. Not to mention, I haven't made my bed in weeks because I was always in it.

  "I would like to talk to you. If you'd let me." Her blue eyes looked watery as if she hadn't gotten much more sleep than me. "I feel awful on how things went down the last time we saw each other." "I didn't exactly call to give you a heads up." I bit my tongue. I was not going to make excuses for this woman. I needed to stop that right now. I did that too much with people. There was bad in everyone, including myself, and I needed to see things for how they really were. No more excuses for people.

  Bethany shuffled her feet on the cement like carpet and readjusted the red scarf around her neck. "Can I come in and we can talk?"

  My stomach coiled at the thought of inviting this woman, though she looked and acted much different, into my living space, willingly.

  "Um," the words caught in my throat to tell her no but she looked at me with sadden eyes. "I understand," she rushed to say, waving her hand in the air as if to swipe the thought away. "Silly question. I should just leave you alone."

  "Wait," I said as she turned away. I clamped my lips together. The urge to shake my head and shut the door bubbled

  in me but I pushed it down. Closure, Fred's words repeated in my head. "My place is kind of a wreck right now with moving and stuff--"

  "You moved in or are you moving out?" She asked before biting her lip and looking away embarrassed. She clearly remembered she didn't have the okay to ask personal questions.

  I ignored her and continued. "Do you maybe mind grabbing food or something?"

  "Sure," she answered without hesitation. A small nervous smile pulled up on her features and for a second I thought she was happy about being around me. I left her out in the hall as I turned and made my way to the coat hanger to grab my Patet. She waited patiently on the other side of the threshold for me to get myself mentally and physically prepared for whatever this was. She was probably doing the same.

  "So, where would you like to go?" Bethany asked falling into step beside me as we walked. The hallway was too narrow to have both of our nervous bodies side by side, or maybe it was just my self conscience. My fight or flight instantly kicked in once it was just us two alone and mobile.

  "I don't know. You've lived here longer. I'm sure you know better places than I do." I didn't mean for my answer to come off manipulative but it did just that. Bethany flinched noticeable and I shrunk instantly into my Patet.

  She gathered herself quickly and flicked her hair out of her eyes once we stepped outside. The temperature had warmed considerably over the last month but the sting of coolness still clung in the air.

  "How about this pizza parlor just outside of Brooklyn, Roberta's? We could take the subway. I'll pay?" I've been here in the city for nearly 9 months and I've never even ridden the subway. My stomach protested that I was going too far away with Bethany but I was curious on what Brooklyn looked like. I nodded.

  * * * * *

  The subway was just how I imagined it. Cold, weirdly lit, crowded, and smelly. I loved it. We were traveling so quickly that I could barely feel we were moving at all except for the casual stops. Bethany tried making small talk on the way to Brooklyn but I was too in awe to answer in full sentences. There was a small smile on her face when we got off. I'm sure I looked completely starstruck in my surroundings and I couldn't help but feel like she was laughing at me a little but I managed to smile back. It was mostly to myself but a strange emotion swelled up inside me when she sent a smile my way.

  We flagged a taxi down to take us to the pizza parlor and when we got a table in the joint I was nearly
vibrated off my seat. I liked Brooklyn. I like the accents, the Annadge, even the graffiti on the buildings. There was a small city feel to it compared to New York City. It seemed laid back and not to mention had good pizza.

  I focused on the piece of cheese pizza in front of me

  mainly because I was starving from not eating lately and secondly because I didn't know how the conversation was going to go. I wanted to hold off the longest I could.

  "Do you come here often?" I asked, my month full of pizza. I figured after a few more bites, that the faster we get to talking, the sooner I could go back and sleep some more.

  Bethany swallowed her bite and dabbed her month with her napkin while nodding her head. "Yes. It's Julie's favorite place to eat."

  I swallowed my pizza harshly. Bethany caught herself too late and cleared her throat. I beat her to speaking though. "Julie is yours and Nick's daughter?"

  "Yes." Bethany nodded again with a hint of emotion in her face. "She just turned five last month."

  Sister. I always wanted one. I imagined we would love doing each other's hair and playing dress up together. But mostly I just wanted one so we could talk and relate to each other. Now that I know I have one, none of those credential match.

  I stayed silent looking down at my half eaten pizza. My appetite was gone again just like it has for months but I actually felt like I was going to be sick this time. It made me feel guilty.

  "She's a lot like you when you were little. Julie, I mean," she said with a smile on his smooth face. "She's a good girl."

  I bit my tongue when the foul words climbed up my throat and I meant to keep them down with a bite of pizza but once that was swallowed I remembered we were here to put everything on the table.

  "You never gave me the time of day. How would you know what I was like?"

  My mother flinched again and lost the smile. She was looked sad. And I get guilty again because I was glad she was.

  "You're right. I wasn't and I apologize."

  I simply shrugged because I wasn't going to throw the apology back in her face. I wasn't that type of person, never was, never will be. Uncle Pat raised me better than that.

  "Guess it doesn't really matter now. I'm all grown up. I made it this far." I set my napkin on top of my slice of pizza and slouched in the cold metal chair. "You grew up well, Annaanna. Pat did a good job just like I knew he would. Which is why I left you with him. I was happy when he officially adopted you. Pat always wanted to be a father. I was no good for you, you knew that and I knew that. Hell, that whole town knew that. I was a joke there ever since high school. I was the girl who got pregnant before prom her senior year and your father was someone whose family didn't want to be known for that." Her eyes glazed over momentarily. I almost felt bad for her. Almost. Choices were made and a baby was born, and this baby thought it was always her fault.

  "Nick's family were successful farmers. Do you remember Gunther's Creek just East of the highway?" I

  nodded, picturing the majestic crop fields and estate line back home. Katy and I used to sneak on the property to swim in the creek near the woods out there. Small world that my birth father's family owned it.

  "That was owned by your grandparents before they past it down to a cousin when Nick's father got cancer." I mentally cringed at every word. Gunther and Marianne Harrington were my grandparents and I didn't ever know. Nor was I told. They never even reached out or batted an eye my way. They both past away a few years ago. It was now owned by Charlie Harrington. He was a nice older man who always gave me extra apples when I went down to pick up some for Cathie's bakery. I wonder if he knew who I was.

  I stayed silent while digesting all of this. In a way, I felt like my life was sort of a lie. In a small town word got around rather quickly yet I was so in the dark about everything. Fred was right, I was protected from evil and oblivious to the world around me.

  As if she read my mind, Bethany brought him up. Every word cut through my chest like a sword. "So, your boyfriend seems very," the words caught in her throat, "nice."

  "He's not my boyfriend."

  "Really? I just assumed..."

  I shook my head. "Wasn't then, isn't now." I picked up the crust of my pizza and nibbled it to distract myself. I could feel Bethany's eyes

  on me and I so badly wanted to snap at her to mind her own business but the fight in me was extinguished by thoughts of Fred. I missed him. I missed his humor, his bluntness. I missed the way his fingers skimmed across my skin because he liked the feel of me shivering under his touch. I missed his laugh, the laugh that made butterflies erupt in my stomach at the pierce sound. I missed the butterflies...

  "I may not have been around much, Annaanna, but I do know when you're lying." I eyed her, testing her patience with mine. I could get up and leave. I could tell her to never contact me again but at that moment I felt like I needed to talk. I had missed out on the mother/daughter talks growing up and instinct forced me to speak.

  "We tried, a few times or so, but there were too many lies, too many obstacle that kept popping up. We weren't meant for each other and I get that now. It's history."

  "History doesn't change. I could tell you two felt something for each other." This was weird. I barely know this woman and I was telling her things I haven't even told my best friend. Feelings were never something I talked about. To me, feelings were private, something you keep to yourself because really no one cares what you are feeling. They just want to relate so they can talk about their own.

  "I did. I think he did too, but it was too complicated on both ends. We both have our own issues we need to work out and it's too much baggage for both of us too handle at this time." I tossed the rest of my pizza on my plate, suddenly exhausted. Words were now spoken which meant I couldn't take them back. They were now true.

  "You sound very wise for your age," Bethany commented. I looked up at her to see if she was making fun of me but there was no sign of laughter, only concern. "Much wiser than me."

  "I don't feel too wise," I said with a sigh. "I feel rather stupid. And universal. And sick." "Every love story is different. Just look at mine. Yes, I may have done it all wrong but it some how worked out in the end. I got Nick, and Julie, and now I'm sitting here with you..."

  Tears sprang in her eyes catching me off guard. She ducked embarrassed, murmuring an apology before Annanging her napkin to dab her eyes.

  "You've changed," I finally said, the words ringing in the air.

  "I have."

  "How?" The woman I remembered didn't faintly cry. She sobbed and threw things and cursed for the devil himself to hear. But this woman was tearing up over mentioning, dare I say, fate. "Time does a person good, Anna. A place does a person good too. Sometimes it just isn't the right time or place to simply be. I got out and I know that sounds harsh considering I left you behind but I found me. I found the right mind to stop drinking, to change the path I was going down and with that, I saved

  myself. That's the best selfish thing you can do; saving yourself."

  Those words tattooed themselves in my brain, engraving and carving the meaning so deep into the tissue that I could practically feel grooves on my skin. "Will you tell me something and be completely honest with me? I won't be mad or overly thrilled at your answer, I just want the truth. I'm done with lies and secrets. Can you do that one thing for me?" My throat suddenly felt tight.

  "I will try." "We're you ever going to reach out to me?" I asked. My chin wobbled at my most deepest hope. "If I never bumped into your daughter at the store and saw you, would you have ever thought to see me? Do you ever even think about me?"

  My mom stared at me as if she was repeating my questions over and over again in her mind. My breathing became shallow the longer she took to answer and the people around us seemed to blur away. I felt like I was going to black out.

  "No," she confessed.

  I choked in a breath and nearly got up from the table and walked away but I stayed my ground.

  "No," she
continued looking more determined, "I wouldn't have. I knew that's not the answer you wanted to hear but I am being honest. I was terrible to you, I know that now and I knew that then. I thought about it once Julie was born. I thought about coming home and having you come live with your father and I. A family.

  I wanted us to be that but whenever I picked up the phone, I was brought back to those years and I never wanted to be that way again. For both of us; you, me, Julie. I wanted to be better and I think you deserve better."

  A tear escaped from my clouded eyes and I wiped it away quickly. We were in public and I really didn't want to make a show. "But I never stopped thinking about you," she insisted reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. By instinct, I jolted by her touch and she immediately drew back but I corrected myself this one time and squeezed her hand back. More tears filled her eyes and her shoulders shook a few times. "I'm so sorry, Annaanna. I really am."

  Sorry never truly fixes anything but it hides the fault for a while until something else piles on top of it. I walked home alone from the subway station after Bethany and I parted ways. We weren't okay by any means but we parted ways civilized which was more than I could have hoped for.

  We didn't make any promises, we didn't make any plans, we just made amends. And for the first time in months, I felt awake. Hearing the words from Bethany made me truly believe that I made the right decision with Fred. I was saving him. I was hoping he would become a better him and if he didn't, at least I tried.

  I was also saving myself. I was giving myself time. I was getting an education, I was going to explore the world and find my place somewhere amongst it. I liked to believe I was giving Fred time too. Time to grow, time to heal, time to figure out what he wanted out of his life instead of playing the victim and thinking people would just give it to him because he asked. He was smart. He just had to give himself credit.