by Bruce Thomas
My hands run up his chest and rest above his heart. It beat wildly underneath my palm. "So thank you, Anna. You leaving me might have been the best thing to happen to me."
I shake my head again. "I didn't want to leave you, Fred. You don't know how many times I wanted to turn around because I loved you too much but I had to do it."
"And I'm glad you did." His fingers skirt under my eyes to wipe clear the streaks of tears and I'm sure mascara. "Because it showed me what it was like to be without you and I hate it."
I hate it too. That's what I want to say but Im choking on sobs that are griping my throat trying to escape.
"I still love you, Anna. I've never stopped loving you and I probably never will. I came to this wedding not only to see my friends finalize their love for each other but something also told me that you would be here. At first I was angry about seeing you because I was scared that it would all come flooding back, the need to drink, the feeling of someone ripping out my heart and crushing it in their hands..."
I want to make him stop because it physically hurt me to hear him describe the same pain I went through when it came to ending us. But I can't stop him. This was the most he has ever opened up to me when it evolved his feelings.
"Stephanie had to talk me into coming but I only agreed last minute when she said she would come with me to make sure I stayed in line. I don't think I would have caved in because I have come so far but then I saw you and the impulsive need to escape hit me."
"Here I thought you were bad for me but it seems you're better off without me," I confess after hearing his words. I feel the alcohol churn in my stomach. "No, Anna, it's the complete opposite. The need wasn't the need to drink. It was the need to be close to you. To drink you in and to get high off of you. Happiness made me drunk and I missed that feeling when you were gone. You're my drug. Alcohol was just a substitute." His large hands cup my wet cheeks and his eyes gaze down into mine. "I sound corny as fück right now and I don't even care because I need you to understand."
Half the time I never understand Fred Montgomery. But at this moment in time
it is crystal clear to me. I feel the same way.
"I've missed you so much," I whisper into the open. I think I meant to keep it to myself but it sort of slipped through my lips and out into the air which hung with other confessions.
Fred stares at me frozen as if he cant fathom what I just admitted. The only thing I can think of to make him move again is to press my lips to his once more.
His hands and his mouth seem to be everywhere at once. My hips, my faces, under my dress. It was like I blinked once and his pants were down to his ankles and my dress was hiked up over my hips. "I've missed you too," Fred says placing kisses over my shoulder. "So, so, much." There was not much talking once he was station close enough to make me squirm. I gasp out sharply when he pushes in without much of a warning. It has been years since being with someone. He had to know that because he inches back, taken off guard, but I don't let him move far. Now that I have him, I wasn't going to let him go.
Fred's arms wrap around my waist holding me tightly to him. We both don't last long, too lost in our senses to really keep time. Too much feeling, too much longing. Harsh breathing fills the air leaving everything to sink in. I had dreamt of this happening, a wonton woman waking up in the middle of the night wound up and shaky. This may feel like a dream, but it wasn't. He is real. This is real life.
I
am too blissfully sated to even feel embarrassed about doing it in my friends in-laws closest during our friends' wedding. Call me selfish if you must.
Once Fred's zipper is rezipped and my dress and hair is back in place, though I soon gave up with my hair and left it loose over my shoulders, we both made eye contact. Laughter bubbles up my chest and escaped into the musky air. Fred's shoulder shake before he joins me. I braced my hands on his chest and lean closer to him, still laughing.
His hands run through my hair, twisting his fingers around the artificially enhanced curls and he sighs happily.
"Wanna dance?"
It seems like such a strange thing to say at the moment.
"I have a better idea." I take his hand suddenly feeling invincible and energized and twist open the door knob. I stick my head out to check and see if anyone is hanging around. When the coast appears to be clear, I yank him out of the closest and run out the front door.
I scan the crowded lot for Fred's SUV and thank my lucky stars that he still has the black vehicle his mom gave him. His eyes show down at me knowing what I want. He tosses me his keys and we take off. I drive through the crowded city until I reach the tall story building and pull him to the elevator. After pushing the button a few too many times, I lose patience and drag us to the nearest stairwell. Fred
stays quiet, a content smile plastered on his face as if he is reading my mind.
When we escaped the cemented staircase, we are greeted by a gush of cool air. My dress flies around me, just a pool of peach chevron, twisting and knitting itself around my body.
The sun is now setting and the light is casting a golden hue on Fred hair making him glow. From the corner of his eye, he catches me starring at him. Without a word, he lets go of my hand and walks over to the little glass table and shakes out a thin cotton blanket. Once it's spread out on the cement roof top of Fred's old apartment building, he sits on top of it and motions me to join him.
"Come here," he commands with an alluring, calm grin.
Who am I to resist him?
I drop down and sit between his legs. I smile when I feel his lips press against my hair.
The sky, painted in dark pinks and oranges stretches for miles like a symbol of what our future could be like if we just let it: beautiful and messy with vibrant colors and dark hues. Fred and I contrasted and blended together to make something that could either shine Annaght or take us both into the abyss. It was something that was well balanced between us. Light, dark, love, hate, it was all just words until you put them into action and showed what one was like without the other.
"Fill me in on the last
years of your life," Fred says breaking the silence. "What's your story, Raine?"
I tilted my head back to look at his beautiful face. So much has passed. So many milestones were made without the other: my first apartment, my first job interview, my big move. "I leave first thing in the morning."
I didn't want to ruin the content vibe that surrounded us but I needed to put that on the table so we didn't get caught up in it all.
"Okay." His face gave nothing away. He pulls me closer to him, holding me tighter around my waist. "We'll do every other month when it comes to travel. I'll do this first month and you can do a weekend in the next. It can go this way until I can figure out a move for Purple Raine."
I am stunned. I'm sure I could have caught flies with the way my mouth is hanging open. "Really?" He leans down and presses his lips to mine. "I told you before that I can't function without you. I hated it. I've always wanted to expand the shop and San Francisco seems like a good start." "You've been asking around about me?" I smile up at him at the mention of my new home. My chest warms from his words.
"You bet I have. So you're a teacher, huh. Bet Pat hates coming down to California for Christmas because of the lack of snow."
I laugh and press a kiss to his cheek. Pat sure did which was why I always flew home for the holidays. Penny and Chuck hated each other's company. "Did you know Cathie and him got married last year?" The small wedding was still the highlight of new memories made through the last five years. It was such a magical moment when someone you loved was officially made part of your family.
"Dang. Seems like everyone's getting married." Our eyes held each other for a silent beat and I couldn't stop the large gallop of my heart at the exchange. "Makes me want to see what all the fuss is about." "Not me," I said crinkling my nose. "I need a few more years until that might cross my mind. I was only 23 and I still felt the independent streak
running its course.
"I'll wait as long as you want me too. Like I said, Anna, you're it for me. If I can't make it work with you, I can't make it work with anyone." "So, we're really doing this? Just like that?" I ask looking deeply in his eyes.
"I love you, Annaanna Raine. More than I thought possible."
My eyes catch sight of his tattoo peaking out from under his rolled up dress shirt.
Beautiful disaster.
With this boy next to me, it would all be worth it.