by India Kells
“Any news on them?”
Gabrielle shook his head. “No. For the delivery, I understand that first babies are long to come. Be certain I will pass the information immediately. And with Lance nearby, I’m not worried. The Sorenson men are the best at what they do. Lance would gladly give his life for his mission and protect Jenny and Matthew.”
Mac felt at a loss, being too far away to guard Matt and Jenny, unable to go after Calvi, and Wes … She didn’t understand why the most logical decision about him didn’t settle her mind as she intended. It was frustrating, especially when she needed her mind to be focused.
“Do you want a word of advice from an experienced operative on your current situation?”
Mac turned to her. “I would gladly accept any word of advice to find that son of a bitch.”
Gabrielle, her eyes on the road, shook her head. “Not about Calvi, about Wes.”
“This entire mission is about Calvi, not Wes.”
“When you’re on a mission, I’ve never seen someone more focused on her target. You have that relentless patience, especially when you’re in sniper mode. You’re not the best agent in the field, Mac, because you care too much about the team. Worry too much about all of them. Your talent is when you have a distance between you and your target. The research you do, the details that never go unnoticed, the accuracy of your aim. It makes you precious to Purgatory as an operative. And as all of us, you have the flaws of your virtues. When you’re too close, when you’re involved personally, you lose that edge. In a team, you’re hot-tempered. You’re still an efficient agent, don’t get me wrong, but you’re more at risk of slipping.”
“I’m not blind. And this mission, the threat on my family, if Calvi didn’t want to attack me directly, I would have left the whole thing to you. I would have stepped back and allowed you to take the lead. I’m not good when my emotions are involved.”
“And that’s why you pushed Wes away?”
Blunt question, but Mac didn’t expect less from her friend.
“I pushed Wes because I was starting to get distracted. No big deal. The trouble is, I thought that we had some sort of friendship going on. And when I decided that I needed both of us to remain on a professional level only, he closed up and stepped away.”
“And you don’t understand why?”
“No! Men are usually glad when we don’t push them to have something more than sex. And it was just sex.”
Mac looked at Gabrielle who pinched her lips. Annoyance started getting to nerves.
“What?”
“You know, to all you have said, I would agree. I’ve met such men, too. Quick, hot release, and then good-bye. And I liked it a long time ago. It was what I needed. Things changed eventually, and I realized I wanted more.”
“I don’t.”
“So you say. But Wes does.”
Her words struck Mac like a punch in the stomach. She shook her head. “No, no he doesn’t. It was only me, helping him taking the first step to his recovery. It was sex as a release valve for both of us, nothing more.”
“If that is the case, why has Wes closed up, pushed you away, and gone into Mr. Freeze mode? Why would he have done that?”
“Because he’s a stubborn and frustrating man?”
Now, Gabrielle smiled. “Nope. Try again.”
“This isn’t a game, Gabrielle! I had good reasons to stop what was between us.”
Gabrielle turned into the castle entrance.
“Yes, you did. Emotions were getting in the way. And you didn’t trust yourself to be efficient. To be able to protect your brother. I get that.”
“Thank goodness.” Mac leaned back on the headrest.
“You always see your emotions as a weakness. I’ve worked with you for years and when your emotions got the best of you? When you cared. Cared about Purgatory, the team. Me. And that’s what made you a dogged, restless weapon. Wild, but there wouldn’t be any criminal in this world that would be safe from you. You were ready to die for all of us. And I get that you pushed an exceptional man, a man cool as ice where you can be hot-headed, a man that has feelings for you and is willing to support you. A man you love, Mac.”
Gabrielle parked the car in front of the garage door. Two guards came nearby, waiting for them to get out of the vehicle and put it in a secure location.
Mac turned to her friend. “I don’t love him, Gabrielle.” As soon as she said them, the words soured in her mouth.
“Maybe, maybe not. That’s not for me to tell or know, Mac. But promise me something. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. My own emotions messed up things, too. I hurt people around me, made bad decisions, but I did my best. That’s what makes us human. Blood, bones, aches, and tears. You may think that it’s your bad decisions, your lack of restraint that led us all here. My personal opinion? I believe it’s why we are still alive. Here and now. My last advice to you is to step into that path you have chosen. Take a look at Wes, a good look, and ask yourself if you’re prepared to never see him again, to never work with him again. And if you’re still doubting, ask yourself if you’re a better person with him, or without him.”
Mac was too stunned to speak as she got out of the car. But before she closed the door, she turned to Gabrielle. “And you asked yourself the same questions for all the decisions you took and the men in your life?”
Gabrielle angled her head and smiled. “My soul cannot do anything but to protect those I love. As for the men, I only asked myself that question once, Mac. And the answer was loud and clear. Ask Sully.”
Chapter 30
Night had fallen over the highlands, and despite the impression of being completely empty, the castle was still under heavy guard, the men assigned to surveillance virtually invisible.
Mac was in the kitchen, a cup of cooling tea in her hands, as her mind was wandering. Gabrielle had just called a minute ago. She was finally an aunt. Jenny had given birth to a little girl. Apart from telling her that mother, father, and baby were doing well, she didn’t have any more news. As soon as the doctors would give their okay, Lance would transfer them to the safe house. Mac was both relieved they were okay and in awe of what just happened.
Her cup forgotten, she made her way to her old bedroom. In the last days, she had only slept in short bursts on a sofa or other quiet places around the castle. In fact, half the team that wasn’t on duty were assigned rooms or comfortable sleeping quarters for the night. After all, the estate could accommodate all of them.
Slowly, she made her way to the room she had left so many years ago. Why so much apprehension? It was only a room, after all. Feeling utterly foolish, Mac opened the door and fell back in time.
As Jenny has told her, nothing had changed. There wasn’t even a speck of dust to tell about all those years. The caramel furniture, the floral pattern on the bedspread, the knick-knacks she had collected over the years, mostly small porcelain figures of birds and small animals. On the bookshelves, she skimmed the many baking books she had collected, encouraged by her nanny. It was strange not to feel negative feelings. Mac had fought so hard against her parents’ wishes, her upbringing, what was expected of her and now, after all she had accomplished, the hardship she supposed she would be feeling, was gone.
All those years, when she thought about her past, how the emotions clogged her throat, and it was no more. A sort of peaceful steadiness spread inside her chest. Memories came up, but even the less beautiful ones brought her a sense of longing melancholy.
This was who she was. This castle, it was the very seed of herself, even as imperfect as she was. When she looked at the highlands through her windows, she realized, in a very strange way, that she didn’t need to flee anymore. She didn’t want to stay either, though. This wasn’t her place to remain. But one to come back to. Sometimes.
Fatigue overtook her. Taking a quick shower, she put on her sleeping clothes and slipped into her childhood bed, drifting off into a dreamless slumber.
Slumber took her so swi
ftly, it was like floating, not dreaming. She remembered so many things and forgot as much. It was like a meeting of lost faces. It was difficult to determine if she was dreaming now, or simply sifting through the memories her mind brought to the surface.
When she opened her eyes again, the moon had definitely shifted and her mind was clearer. She needed more sleep, her body was fighting against her to be brought back under, but another part of her was pulling her awake. It wasn’t a danger; her natural instinct would have rung a thousand bells if it has been the case.
Mac rolled in her bed, and a fluttering of white caught her eye. A smile tugged at her lips as she never thought she would meet it again; the ghost of Almirth.
It was a silly story that was told to Matthew and her at bedtime, about a lady from a long time ago who fell in love with a knight and when he never came back, she lost her mind and started roaming the castle restlessly. When she died of old age, her spirit still looked for her lost knight. When they were teenagers, Matthew and Mac tried to find the ghost, but it was only when the castle was peaceful, and nobody expected her, that she appeared. Once, she discerned her more clearly, not only a vaguely shaped mist of a woman. She had been in the attic playing hide and seek with a bunch of friends and had found this perfect hiding place. When the search party bypassed the door, going down, calling her name, she crawled out of her spot and there she was. It was twilight streaming through her and she could almost see her face. The longing as she looked at a distance. She was beautiful in a dark flowing dress, blonde hair softly falling around her face.
Mac didn’t move for a long time, too entranced by the spirit in front of her. She tried to catch all the details, but she was blurry. Then, as if sensing the teenager, she vanished. Mac remembered blinking several times, as if her sudden disappearance made her doubt her own sanity.
From that moment on, Mac didn’t go ghost hunting with Matthew again. The sorrow she felt stuck from the ghost, a deep sympathy for the woman from past times, made her vow to leave her alone.
After such a long time, Mac thought she almost imagined what happened, but there she was, the blurry veil by the door, floating gracefully, remaining there, waiting.
Slowly, Mac got out of bed and grabbed her comforter to wrap around herself to keep her warm as she only had yoga pants and a tank top on. As she remembered, the rest of the castle would be ice cold. Reaching the veil, it evaporated. Mac opened her bedroom door and looked around. She was almost about to close the door again when the veil reappeared at the end of the hallway. Drawn to such an unusual behavior, Mac followed. Each time she was about to reach the translucent apparition, it vanished to reappear farther away. It never behaved like that before, as if silently inviting her to follow her, interacting with her.
A few turns later, Mac realized that the spirit was bringing her upstairs, into that same attic she had seen her a long time ago. As she climbed the stairs, her naked feet muffled by the thick carpet, the air grew colder. There were a lot of drafts and the cold November air made its way in every crack it could blow through.
When she reached the attic’s door, it was already open. Moonlight illuminated the room and she stopped off her tracks. Near the tall windows, there was Wes, barefoot, in his gray sweatpants, standing in front of the wavering spirit. In fact, Mac believed both of them were fascinated with one another. Mac’s eyes lingered on Wes, his tan skin glowing in the white light, his dark blond hair taking a silvery gleam in the moonlight. Involuntarily, she detailed his scars on his side and back, so familiar to her now. He hadn’t seen her yet, and despite the incredible scene in front of her, she was unable to look away from him. Slowly, her boss’ words came in her mind. This man she barely knew, who suffered more than a human ever should, pulled at her like no one else ever had before. She feared the answers to Gabrielle’s questions. Could she spend the rest of her life without ever seeing him again, without ever touching him, speaking to him again? The single thought surprised her, bringing fresh pain, squeezing her heart in utter sorrow.
She must have made a noise as Wesley turned to her, alert, gesturing for a gun that he obviously didn’t think of bringing with him.
Then, he turned again at where the spirit stood, there was an empty space.
Mac smiled at his dumbfounded face. She must have looked like that the first time it happened to her.
“Is this one of your tricks? That can’t be the ghost you talked to me about.”
Mac winced at his tone, but let it pass. “No, there is no trick. You’ve just met the Lady of Almirth.”
“The Lady of Almirth? So she’s real?”
“More or less … she comes and goes as she sees fit and has a mind of her own. But she’s harmless.”
Wesley looked around, as if trying to find her. “I woke up and she was standing there. It was … I don’t know strange. I pulled my gun on her, in surprise, and she didn’t move. The ghost stood there. And then she passed through the door, leading me here.”
“You’re lucky. She doesn’t give the full show to everyone. Normally, you only detect parts of her, her dress, or a shapeless, floating form.” Mac walked toward the windows, looking at the horizon. “The family legend says that it was a woman who lost the love of her life, leaving for the crusades and never coming back. She became insane waiting for him and when she died, her spirit remained.”
“Is there a happy story ending with ghosts?” Wesley scoffed, but the sarcasm was faint in his voice. “How did you know I was here?”
Mac kept looking at the window. “I didn’t. The Lady came into my room and led me out. Like she did for you.”
“For what purpose?”
“It’s the first time I see her having an interaction with someone. Normally, she remains there until she fades into nothingness.”
“You don’t seem scared.”
Did he take a step in her direction or was she imagining things?
“I’m not. She never frightened me. She was always too sad for that.”
Mac held her breath when he stood there, close, unmoving, waiting. And for the first time in her life, she prayed for courage.
“I’m sorry, Wes.” Words lacked her, struggling to get out.
“For what part exactly?”
Then she turned. His eyes were dark, his face so stern and guarded. “You aren’t going to make it easy on me, are you?”
And as expected, he didn’t answer, waiting for her to continue.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. In any way. I might be a hot-headed bitch, but I’m certain you did everything in your power to help me and that you still do. And I’m grateful for it. For you.”
He remained immobile, a golden warrior in all his might, waiting for her to continue.
“Emotions are my worst enemy. In normal times, I have trouble with them. It’s why I stay behind my visor and avoid getting my hands dirty, as you said once. When I do get my hands dirty, emotions are at risk of clouding my judgment. If I would have been like you, I would never have messed the Calvi mission, and my brother and his family wouldn’t be in danger. When we met, I started to care about you. And I got scared to screw up again. I fought it and played with some terrible memories when I made the mistake of bringing you into that sex dungeon, making you relive painful events of your past. And when all broke loose, I had to cut everyone off, I had to become that emotionless machine once more. This had been my only goal in order to repair my faults, to kill Calvi and save Matthew.”
For a long moment, Wesley looked at her, as if analyzing what she just had said. So not to lose courage, she continued. “And when we finally found Calvi again and he threatened Matthew, that whole flaw of mine blew up in my face again. I couldn’t … I can’t let it risk my brother’s life, even if I care about you, even if I love you.”
Mac, breathless, stood in shock as she spoke the words her mind hadn’t wrapped itself around yet. Startled by her own admission she started laughing.
“God, I’m so sorry. I blurted that out. I didn�
��t mean to put you on the spot, I’m not asking for anything, I only wanted you to understand what I cannot give you.”
Mac couldn’t stop talking, that wave took her over. And she feared how her admission would impact the man before her.
“Forget everything I just said. I’m being stupid. I’m so sorry.”
Mac turned to escape and run away, as far and as fast as possible, but Wesley was quicker, and grabbed her wrist.
He didn’t speak, his face inscrutable. Wesley shifted to hold her hand instead and bring it to his mouth. Slowly, without breaking contact with her, he kissed her inner palm, where her heart was beating erratically. For an instant, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply the scent of her skin.
“That flaw of yours, is the very one who saved my life. If you wouldn’t have done what I asked, had the courage or wildness in you to guide me back into my nightmare, and remain by my side, I wouldn’t be here. When you arrived, I was going deeper into that void. And gladly so. It’s your instinct and the way you care about people, that brought me around. That forced me into making that first step back. I’m still reeling on this, to be honest. But the discomfort isn’t uncomfortable. It’s like stretching into a new skin.”