by Farrah Penn
Nonnie squeezes my shoulder. “I’ll help.”
Peach walks us through the steps. The first crust I made was too thin on the outer edges, which is why it burned so quickly. She shows me how to spread it evenly, and I put more effort into it than I did before.
“See, you’re getting it.” Peach says. “You know what would go good with this? My chocolate peanut butter cookies.”
Nonnie grins. “I won’t say no to that.”
While I’m put to work gathering ingredients, Peach explains that they might offer her a full-time position at the bakery. They’ve been impressed with her ideas and management skills so far. I find myself congratulating her alongside Nonnie, but not because it might mean she’ll be able to leave soon. Because I am happy for her.
We’re mixing the cookie dough in a large bowl when my dad comes home.
“Something smells amazing,” he says.
“Kira made us dinner,” Peach tells him.
“I had help,” I add.
My dad smiles at me. It’s the first real smile I’ve seen in days.
We fall into a familiar hum. Nonnie gets out plates and sets the table while Peach finds vegetables in the fridge to prepare a salad. My dad takes a pizza cutter to our second creation.
“Save some for Saylor,” I say, knowing he’s working at 7-Eleven late tonight.
Once everyone’s sitting at the table, I redirect the attention my way. “Listen, there’s an away game on Friday in Little Pine. I wanted to invite you guys… if you want to come.”
My dad’s entire face lights up. “I’d love to see you perform, Goose.”
Peach and Nonnie say they’ll be there, and my dad starts talking about my old performances. He even gets out his phone and pulls up a video of my first routine back in freshman year. Normally I’d groan, but I like seeing him so happy. When Peach compliments my technique, he grins.
I know a pizza and an invitation won’t fix things, but at least it’s progress.
THIRTY FIVE
BEFORE I HAVE TO BE on the bus to our away game after school on Friday, I take a detour down to the theater workshop. I figure if I catch Alex off guard, I’ll finally have a chance to explain myself.
I stop in front of the workshop door, take a deep breath, and then push it open.
Nobody pays attention to me as I walk inside. The ground is covered in a thin layer of sawdust, and a few techies are crowded around a hand-painted set, arguing about blocking and props. They don’t bother giving me a second glance as I walk by.
Audrey II is sitting in the back corner of the workshop, fake vines spilling from all sides of her. My heart swells. Alex has done a phenomenal job. The base of the Venus flytrap is layered in different shades of green felt, and the lips of the plant are painted a waxy red. The mouth is gaping, huge, with sharp wooden teeth that have been carefully painted white and screwed into the gums. It’s easy to tell how much work he’s put into her.
Then, to my horror, the mouth begins to slowly close. I jump back—startled—and scream just as the jaws clamp shut.
A few students glance my way, giving me a weird look. There’s a rustling behind Audrey II and a moment later, Alex emerges from the depths of the contraption. When he sees me standing there, his brows furrow in confusion.
“I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I wanted to explain.”
His eyes harden. I may have taken him by surprise, but that’s not enough to wash away his anger toward me.
“It doesn’t matter.” The warmth is gone from his voice.
An ache fills my chest. You don’t matter is all I hear.
Alex steps in front of Audrey II. I think back to all those texts we exchanged, how excited he was to be working on the mechanics of his creation. I want to tell him how amazing it looks, but I know it’s too late for that. I hope it’s not too late for this.
“I really care about you,” I finish, hoping he hears the longing in my voice.
He laughs in this cruel, anti-Alex way. “Really? Because the way you treated me in the cafeteria? It didn’t exactly feel like it.”
My eyes lower down toward his paint-spackled Converse. “I shouldn’t have acted like that.”
He crosses his arms, two black sleeves pulled tightly across his body. “I like hanging out with you, Kira. I more than like hanging out with you. But when I really thought about it, I realized I was like… your secret.”
Now I’m confused. “Wait, what?”
“I didn’t see it at first. But then I did. We’d only spend time together if it was only the two of us. I know I’m not cool like Jay or whatever, but I didn’t think you were ashamed of me. And then at lunch you just flipped a switch and—I don’t know—shut me out.”
I feel my eyes go wide in shock. “I’m not ashamed of you.”
“Really? Where are we now?”
He wants me to prove his point that we’re in a secluded part of the theater, but I can’t. How could he think I’m embarrassed by him? We had dinner at Rosita’s. I’ve been trying to gain his attention at school all week.
I take a small step closer. “You don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand? I told you everything about my family, Kira. Everything. About my cousins and my parents and my sisters. God, I told you how I felt about you… I put myself out there, then you shut me down in front of your friends. Slammed the door just when I thought—” He shakes his head.
“I’m sorry.” I try and blink back tears, but they betray me.
He shakes his head. “Forget it.” He won’t look me in the eyes. “You didn’t have to tell me anything about that night in the first place. It’s not like we were… anything.”
Those words stab like knives straight into my chest. A rush of emotions flood through me. I rewind back to feeling his hands stabilizing me in the dark theater. The way he glanced at my profile as he drove us out of the school parking lot and to the donut shop. The smiles he saved for me as we walked by each other between classes. Maybe we weren’t anything, but I still want to be something. I want his friendship. His trust. Him.
I wipe at my face, attempting to compose myself. “I was scared. I didn’t want anyone finding out about them, but you were so—”
Alex’s eyes cut away from me. “You don’t owe me an explanation.”
Translation: I don’t care.
I watch as he walks away, disappearing around the massive body of Audrey II. This time, I don’t go after him.
THIRTY SIX
MY DAD’S WATCHING THE LOCAL news when I get home from the game against Little Pine. When he sees me, he smiles and mutes the TV. “Goose! Your performance was so great. We were all so excited to see you shine out there.”
The happiness in his tone makes me smile. “Thanks. Where is everyone? I didn’t see your car outside.”
“Saylor took them all out for milkshakes, even though I warned him Sonic gets crowded on a Friday night.”
Even though I’m officially ungrounded, I still feel awful for the things I’ve said to my dad. He’s been trying so hard, just like I’ve been trying with Alex. I now know how it feels, if only a little.
I join him on the couch. There’s an enormous bag of peppermint patties on the coffee table. I take one, fiddling with the silver wrapping until I can find the right words. “I’m sorry… for what I said that night.”
His tired eyes find mine, but they’re not full of disappointment. “I’m the one who owes you an apology. I should have asked you if you’d be comfortable with them staying here before I even offered.”
“I would have said no.” I shrug, because that’s the truth. I would have. “But I’m glad they’re here.”
He takes a long look at me. “Grams would be proud of you, you know.”
I snort, thinking of my trashed twelve steps and Alex and Whitney and everyone else that I’ve hurt. “No. She wouldn’t.”
“She would.” He says this with confirmation in his voice. “I’m sorry, Goose. I didn’t real
ize how hard it would be to leave your friends—your life here. I thought I was doing you right, but I didn’t put you in a great situation. Having to leave, well, that wasn’t fair to you, was it? I sure didn’t make it easy. But you’re handling coming back as best you can, and I know Grams knows that.”
I nod, feeling hot tears well up behind my eyes. “I miss her.”
My dad puts an arm around me, and I feel myself leaning into him. “I miss her, too.”
We fall quiet, and I know we’re both thinking of her. For as much as I miss her, I don’t think I ever let myself openly grieve. But here, with my dad, I don’t try and stop the tears that fall.
After a minute, he hands me another peppermint patty. “Do me a favor, though?”
I glance up at him.
“No boys.” He reconsiders this. “No boys until you’re thirty.”
“Dad.”
“Thirty-five.”
I crack a smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was with Alex.”
“Well, there’s a name I haven’t heard in a while.”
I want to say he won’t be hearing much more of it, but I don’t.
We watch a few minutes of Crime Boss before he turns back to me. “I was thinking of having a barbecue here with everyone on Sunday. Are you okay with that?”
I nod in affirmation, realizing I don’t really mind having these people around. They’re helping not only my dad, but each other, too.
“Dad?”
He looks at me.
“Did the twelve-step program work for you?”
He thinks for a moment. “Not at first… but I think it’s only because I wasn’t allowing it to work, if that makes sense? I’d get stuck on steps for what I now realize are very obvious reasons, like I didn’t admit my problem to myself. Or I didn’t feel like I owed someone an apology. And a part of that was because I was too stubborn and prideful, but not enough to not want to fix myself.”
“I tried to make a list for myself when I came back,” I admit. “But it sort of backfired.”
My dad smiles. “You know, there’s a step—step nine—that says ‘Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.’ Even if you don’t realize it, both of our apologies accomplish just that.”
I remember my promise to fix my relationships with everyone. Those weren’t bad steps to take, but it’s about time I accepted my life is different now. Not in a bad way. I’ve gained three extra people in the house who really care about me. About Dad. And I know even Grams would be grateful for that.
I lean into his shoulder. “I’m glad you came back.”
He smiles, then wraps me into a hug. I hug him back. We don’t say anything, but we don’t have to. For right now, this is enough.
THIRTY SEVEN
“YOU’RE BURNING MY BUNS!”
Nonnie playfully snaps the grilling tongs close to Saylor’s face. “Oh, trust me, if I were burning your buns, you would know.”
It’s a perfect day for a barbecue with a gentle, crisp breeze in the air and miraculously low humidity. Both Saylor and Peach have the day off and since Nonnie doesn’t go to the shelter on Sundays, my dad decided to grab burger meat and veggies from the store so we could enjoy the day together.
“Don’t take offense to this,” I tell Nonnie as she wraps her rainbow, iguana-patterned shawl around her. “But do you know what you’re doing?”
Her turquoise frames slip down the edge of her nose. “Of course I know what I’m doing.”
Smoke billows from the grill.
She suddenly looks unsure. “Okay, go get Peach.”
Smiling, I walk back inside. Wallis stays at my heels, but he doesn’t jump. He’s gotten better at controlling his enthusiasm, which I appreciate.
I find Peach standing at the island, knife in hand. “Nonnie needs some assistance. Preferably before she sets our lawn on fire.”
“I’m on it.” She gestures toward the tomato she was chopping. “Want to take over?”
I do, attempting to carefully slice them using her same perfect method. That’s where my dad finds me as he rounds the corner out of his room.
“Now here’s something I’ve missed,” he says, ruffling my hair. “You and me in the kitchen.”
“Don’t look so impressed. I’m only slicing veggies.” I gesture out back. “Peach took over the grill. I think she has it handled.”
My dad looks around, then grabs his apron. “I guess I’ll start preparing my World-Famous Potato Salad.”
I finish chopping the vegetables and put the platter in the fridge so they stay cold. Then I begin helping my dad peel potatoes over the sink.
“The secret ingredient is cumin,” he tells me.
“Should we post it on the internet and make millions?”
“Maybe we’ll keep it in the family, like those baked beans,” he says. “This was always a hit at Grams’s Fourth of July parties.”
Back then, Grams would invite her work friends over and tell me all my friends were welcome to join us. Of course I’d only invite Whitney, Raegan, and Lin. They were the only ones that mattered. Since we didn’t have a pool, my dad would let us set up the Slip ’N Slide, and Grams always said it was a miracle no one ever broke a bone on that thing.
After eating, we’d walk down to the Cedarville public park. There was a huge hill that gave a perfect view of the city’s fireworks, and the four of us would spread our towels into one giant square and eat the popsicles my dad had carried for us in the cooler. I remember smelling like sunscreen and bug spray and smoke from the grill. It smelled like happiness.
“Dad?”
He glances at me.
“Can we make those chocolate lava cupcakes later?”
“Yes, oh—” His eyes gleam. “And if they come out good you can take a selfie of them for your Instagram.”
I crack a smile. “That’s just called a picture.”
“I can’t keep up with your lingo these days.”
As he begins to launch into a conversation about a phenomenal grilling app he discovered, the doorbell rings. He starts to take off his apron, but I stop him. “I’ll get it.”
I wipe my potato-y hands on my jeans and run to the front door. When I fling it open, Jay is standing there.
“Hey,” I say, surprised.
He’s wearing a pair of black basketball shorts and a red Cedarville T-shirt. He’s sweaty, as if he just got back from playing ball.
“Sorry.” Jay suddenly looks embarrassed for being here. “I tried texting you.”
“My phone’s charging upstairs,” is the only thing I can think to say.
“Oh. Right.” He shakes his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to just show up.”
I blink at him. Once. Twice. This is weird. I mean, at lunch Jay practically acts like I don’t exist. It’s not supposed to be like this. Him, showing up here, like he did when we were dating. It feels like a betrayal to Whitney.
“So, uh,” I start, “is everything okay?”
“Not really.” He looks at his Nikes. Then back at me. “Whitney broke up with me.”
I feel my eyes widen. That’s not what I expected to hear, let alone from Jay. If anyone, I would have heard it from Whitney first.
My stomach tightens. Well, I would have if our friendship was like before.
“Did she say why?”
“She didn’t think I was that into it. Which, I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t.”
I want to tell him she’s probably insecure over the fact that he openly flirts with every female in his vicinity, but I don’t. It’s not my place.
“She says she doesn’t want things to be awkward. You know, like at lunch. But I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I feel like it will.”
“It can’t be more awkward than eating lunch with you both after I discovered you were together.”
I don’t mean to blurt it out, but there it is. We lock eyes for half a second before bursting out laughing.
�
�Man,” he says. “I’m sorry. That was kind of shitty.”
“Kind of?” I throw him a grin. “What about when you hit on me at Sonic?”
His ears go red, and he has the moral conscience to look apologetic. “That was shitty.”
“Well, it’s all in the past,” I find myself saying. “I mean, we weren’t that great for each other, were we?”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I guess. I felt like you never let me all the way in. You were private about a lot of things, and I get that. But I told you over and over that I’d be there if you needed me, and I always felt like you were pushing me away. Or just pretending things were okay when they weren’t.” He looks directly at me. “But I could have tried harder, too. There were a lot of times I could have reached out and didn’t.”
A mix of emotions sink in my chest. I knew I treated him that way, but I’ve never heard him admit it out loud. When it came to discussing the hard things, Alex was the person I was comfortable confiding in, and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I wanted to pretend I was living a normal life.”
Jay laughs in surprise, but from his expression I can tell it’s not mean-spirited.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, curious.
“I mean, it’s just that nobody’s life is ever really normal, you know?”
I nod. It’s true. I’ve been judging things for how I wanted them to be, not how they actually were.
I take a deep breath. “Sometimes I feel like… like I don’t know who I am,” I admit. “But… I know who I want to be. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah,” Jay says. “It does.”
Before I can say anything else, the door swings open from behind me. Wallis comes bounding outside and nearly knocks Jay over. Saylor rushes out and grabs him by the collar.
I expect my natural reflexes to rise and wait for my body to go into panic mode, but it doesn’t. After confiding in Lin, I’d also told Whitney and Raegan about the recoverees, and neither of them saw a need for concern. They agreed that if everyone in the house was only helping and supporting each other, there wasn’t a reason to worry. At this point, that fear has dissolved. I have nothing to hide.