“Levi?” Casey asked pointing to the phone I put on the coffee table.
I nodded. “He’s been calling all weekend. I’m going to have to tell him or lie and say I have a communicable disease that requires me to stay away from him indefinitely.”
“What happened at the clinic?” Casey asked. “All I got from your phone call was that they said you were pregnant and to get to your house right now.”
“I’m nine weeks. They gave me another test and had me meet with a counselor.” I pulled out all of the pamphlets from my purse and tossed them on the table. “They gave me the pamphlets to look over, but the counselor covered the basics.”
Casey’s blue eyes darted to the pamphlets. She grimaced. “Now that you know for sure….” Casey didn’t finish her thought.
“What am I going to do?” I asked, looking heavenward. “I have no clue. What I want to do is go back in time and stay away from Wyatt.”
“Delia, I understand you don’t want to deal with this. But you’re going to have to at some point.”
“I talked to the counselor about an abortion,” I said. “I’d have to decide by sixteen weeks.”
“Is that what you want to do?”
I pulled at the ends of my hair. “No!” I said emphatically. “I mean even thinking about having an abortion makes me a bad person, doesn’t it?”
“That’s bullshit,” Casey said with venom. “I hate how there’s a stigma attached to women who have abortions. If I were in your situation, I wouldn’t want my choices stolen from me.”
“I agree, but one of the questions on the pamphlet was about how I felt about women who have abortions. And the question made me think about how others would perceive me. I’ve watched the movies. Unplanned pregnancies don’t end up with a visit to the abortion clinic. They end with the girl realizing being a mother was her life’s dream. She gets a baby and then the guy and then they have a big happy wedding by the movie’s end,” I said lamely.
“Well, I think you out of anyone should know life doesn’t work out that way. Real life is much messier and full of tragedies,” Casey said.
“Like the tragic irony of having a future sister-in-law who also happens to be the one who sent your father away to prison for two years,” I said, once again feeling sorry for myself. Casey’s shoulders went tense and I was warned to tread carefully. Casey liked me, but she was also loyal to Autumn. I cleared my throat. “Blake is coming to visit tomorrow. They have a bye week before the Thanksgiving game.”
“I could make plenty of tasteless jokes because of that sentence, but under the circumstances, I’ll keep them to myself,” she said. “Are you going to tell your brother?”
“And have Wyatt’s murder on my conscience? I think I’ll pass,” I sighed.
“Delia, you have to make your mind up, but you don’t have to make your mind up right this minute,” she said and patted my hand. “There are no easy answers. Don’t think about anyone else’s opinions, but your own. Because if you let others push their beliefs on you and worry more about how you’ll be perceived, you may end up regretting whatever you decide.”
I was scared. I didn’t want to be another person in my family who had to be stuck with their regrets forever. My decision was unchangeable. There were no do-overs and I was afraid whatever path I went down, I would never be able to be fully at peace with my decision.
Chapter Twenty
Casey had to leave at five o’clock to get back to campus for her night classes. After she left, I realized I hadn’t eaten anything for the entire day. I had no appetite, but made myself choke down a flavorless frozen food entrée I dug out of the freezer.
I had a few last minute assignments to finish up, but I couldn’t concentrate on my textbooks. The words kept blurring and I thought about skipping out on the work all together. I felt like giving up and for someone who considered herself a fighter, I abhorred the sensation.
The doorbell buzzed and I wondered if it could be my brother arriving a day early. Although the apartment was technically his, maybe he thought it was rude to barge in without any notice. Before answering, I grabbed the pamphlets off of the coffee table and shoved them into my purse. I did a quick visual search to see if I left behind any other evidence of my pregnancy. Satisfied, I strode over to the door and swung it open. I had the urge to slam it close once I saw who had arrived.
“Hi Delia. Can we talk?”
Wyatt’s expression was stricken and the look gave me pause. After our last conversation, I was ready to write him off as a bad memory—regardless if I went through with the pregnancy or not.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped.
He shifted from side to side and I enjoyed watching him grow uncomfortable under my penetrating stare. “I get why you’re pissed, but we really need to talk about this. Can I come inside?”
I almost refused him, but after a beat, I stepped aside. I didn’t believe he had anything to offer me, but maybe he mulled things over and decided to man up and take some responsibility.
I shut the door once he stepped through and didn’t move to lead him further into the apartment. Whatever he had to say to me could be said right next to the door. Just in case I had the urge to shove him out at a moment’s notice.
“Look, I’m here to apologize for being a dick the other day when you came to see me,” he started. “I think you can understand why I panicked.”
I kept my expression dispassionate. I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore and I didn’t have to put up with his bullshit act. “I release you from your duty. I don’t need your help.”
Wyatt looked unsure how to react. “You can’t just say you release me, Delia. Not if you think you’re pregnant.”
“I don’t think I’m pregnant anymore. I went to Planned Parenthood and they confirmed the results,” I said.
“Well, if the baby’s mine, I should help decide what we’re going to do with it.”
I scowled at him. “The baby is yours. If you want to have an adult discussion about this, then stop throwing in passive aggressive statements. The only thing you’re achieving is me getting pissed off.”
He held up his palms in surrender. “Okay, but I’m just trying to process this too.”
I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Wyatt, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I went to the clinic today and I have a thousand different scenarios running through my brain.”
“If you’re planning to keep the baby or even give it up for adoption, I need to be told. You know who my father is and if I plan to run for office one day—” I was humiliated by the way he spoke to me. I looked down at his manicured hands and wished I never had to remember what they felt like on my skin. The idea of Wyatt’s permanency in my life was revolting. I wanted to be able to toss him out of my life in the same manner he had done to me while likening him to a pair of shoes that didn’t quite fit right.
I cut him off. “Don’t worry, Wyatt. No one is going to come looking for you one day. If I do have the baby, I’d say that his or her father is dead to me. It wouldn’t exactly be a stretch.”
“Delia, I get that I was insensitive and broke up with you in a shitty way. I see that now. But if you think keeping the baby is a way to punish me, then you’re the one who is wrong,” he said in a harsh whisper.
“You should go,” I said dully and opened the door.
“Delia, let me do the right thing here. I’ll pay for the abortion. I’ll take you to the appointment and stay with you until I’m certain you’re okay. Don’t let this ruin both of our lives,” he pleaded.
“Is this the way your family taught you how to clean up your messes?” I demanded. “Please just go.”
“Promise me you’ll think about what I said,” he begged as he slowly stepped out onto the doorstep. He planted himself in front of me and looked as though he’d refuse to move until I answered.
“I’ll call you,” I said. He had made my day go from bad to worse and I only wanted the pleasure of never seeing hi
s face again. He was only there to make sure I wouldn’t be the cause of a political scandal down the road.
Wyatt wasn’t pleased by the vagueness of my answer and stormed away. I was about to close the door when I noticed a tall figure in the distance. I squinted and felt my insides turned to mush as the person bridged the gap between us.
Levi passed Wyatt on the walkway and my body tensed at the possible altercation. Wyatt shook his head in disgust, but was smart enough not to taunt Levi. Levi had an intimidating build and I assumed Wyatt realized he’d be entering a fight he wouldn’t win. My gaze flitted to Levi and stayed fixed.
Levi looked unhappy as he walked up to my vantage point. I imagined what Wyatt leaving must’ve looked like to him. Although I knew a future with Levi was impossible, I loathed the idea of Wyatt being the reason things were ending.
“Hey,” I said uncertainly when Levi was within hearing distance.
“Hi,” he said. His cheeks were red from the biting wind that had started to pick up. His expression was grim, but I still couldn’t help the happiness building inside over seeing him again. Keeping my distance had been a challenge and the truth was I’d been missing him like crazy.
“Come in. Before you freeze,” I instructed.
Levi hesitated, but followed me back into the apartment. I closed and locked the door before turning to face him. He was lingering against the foyer wall and I could see the confusion on his face. In his mind, he probably stumbled on the reason I’d been avoiding his calls.
“I can imagine how bad this looks to you—”
“You don’t owe me an explanation. We’re not a couple,” he said hurriedly. He rambled on, “I mean I was hoping we’d be a couple eventually. But if you’re spending time with Wyatt, I think I can guess why.”
I squinted at him. “Huh?”
“I haven’t been honest with you. And I’m ashamed because I pushed you so hard to tell me about yourself and to let me in.” He slunk down further against the wall. “I had a feeling you were avoiding me and seeing you with Wyatt confirmed my suspicions.”
“Levi, I’m not seeing Wyatt. I don’t have feelings for him and I don’t want you to think you had anything to do with him being here,” I urged. I took him by his hand and pulled him to the couch. He sat down and I took a seat close enough that our thighs touched.
“I didn’t mean to shoot your questions down when you brought up my dad. I could tell it bothered you and I’m sorry for that,” he said.
“That’s not the reason I haven’t called you,” I insisted. “Besides, you can tell me about your dad when you’re ready.”
Levi took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I want to tell you about him but the thought paralyzes me….” He hesitated and then continued, “But I like you so much, Delia. And I know you trust me and I want you to see I have that same trust in you.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. I breathed in his woodsy and sensual musk and I felt my body relax. I was safe with Levi. “What do you want to tell me about your dad?”
“He killed himself,” he admitted in a barely audible voice. “Three years ago, he committed suicide by jumping off a bridge.”
I felt like I’d been blasted with a shock wave. My spine straightened and I turned to him with alarm clear on my face. “Levi, oh god, I had no idea.”
His smile was sad. “I know you didn’t. My family doesn’t like to talk about him. You probably noticed we don’t have any pictures of him up at the house.” Likely seeing the unspoken question I had in my eyes, he added, “My mother is very Catholic. And in her eyes what he did was an unforgivable sin.”
“How do you feel?”
“I was angry at him for a long time. I felt like what he did was cowardly. But I think my dad was sick. He’d drink a lot on the weekends and fall into these dark moods. Sometimes he wouldn’t leave his bedroom for days,” he said dejectedly.
I pressed my lips together as things began to fall in place. “Your dad is the reason you’re the responsible one in the family.”
He nodded reluctantly. “I’m not saying I wish I was a different person, but I do feel like his death shaped me. I had to be the one to step in and take care of my mom because my brothers were off doing their own thing.”
“That doesn’t seem fair.”
Levi shrugged. “Probably not. But you can’t choose your family. You can only choose not to let their mistakes define you.”
A significant look passed between us and I knew how much he understood what I’d been going through with my family. He had his own cross to bear and instead of wallowing in self-pity, he made a choice to live on his own terms.
“So, that’s my secret. That’s the reason I shut down when you bring up my dad,” Levi said with a heavy sigh. His gaze rested on the front door. “I had a feeling you were putting some distance between us and I didn’t want my issues to be the reason.”
“I wasn’t upset about you not talking about your dad. Especially now, knowing the truth…” I trailed off. I ran my sweaty palms over my jeans before finally looking back at him. “Thank you for trusting me enough to talk about him.”
“What’s going on with us, Delia? I thought you were excited about going out with me and then I find your ex-boyfriend leaving your apartment.” His jaw was clenched and I could see how tense the thought of me being alone with Wyatt again made him.
“I’m sorry. I was looking forward to our date and I swear my cold feet has nothing to do with you.” My smile was sad. “You’re perfect. You’ve been nothing but good to me in spite of all my crazy drama.”
“You’ve made my life interesting. I mean although I’m in a rock band, I think my life was becoming a little boring and safe until I met you.” He leaned in closer and said softly, “Let me take you out tonight. I don’t have to be at the college until eleven. We could have dinner and talk some more.”
“I can’t,” I said quickly. I felt the tears building behind my eyes. “I’m sorry. Because I like you so much and if the timing was better, I have a feeling we’d be great together.”
Levi leapt to his feet. “Timing? Please Delia, I hope you’re not still hung up on Wyatt. The guy is a stuck-up ass. I’ve seen boys like him around the college. They push by me as if I’m invisible and act like we’re all put on this planet to serve them.”
I felt nauseous over the idea Levi would ever think I’d choose Wyatt over him. Maybe I’d made bad choices about men in the past, but I had crystal-clear clarity after making a side-by-side comparison of Wyatt and Levi.
“I don’t have feelings for Wyatt. I like you. Honestly, I’ve had feelings for you since the first time we hung out together. I’ve wanted to make a move, but—”
The rest of the sentence died in my throat as Levi reached for me. Before I could protest, his lips were pressing into mine. He kissed me in a way that made me momentarily forget what an awful idea it was for him to be kissing me at that second. His lips were soft and warm and I could feel the persistence behind his kiss. He wanted me to respond and I found myself yielding. I started to kiss him back. Allowing myself to get lost in the sensation of how good it felt to have his mouth on mine.
He had been a friend at first, but when we kissed, he set my blood on fire. His tongue wrapped around mine and I allowed his taste to consume me. His kiss was full of the promise that Levi would give me everything I always wanted.
I broke away from him. “I’m pregnant,” I said in a breathless rush.
Levi stilled and gave me a searching look. He leaned away from me while I awaited his reaction. The silence was deafening between us and I couldn’t imagine what he was thinking. Finally, he asked, “Are you okay? When did you find out?”
I was glad he hadn’t asked me trite questions like: was I sure? Or who’s the daddy? I had enough of that with Wyatt. “I took a test over the weekend and it was the reason I canceled on your show.” I heard the quiver in my voice. “I’m probably about as far away from okay as a perso
n could be.”
He reached for my hand and interlaced our fingers. Holding my hand symbolized the strength of us together. I closed my eyes and drew comfort from the feel of him. “Is that why Wyatt was here?” he asked gently. “You let him know tonight.”
I shook my head. “I went to see him a couple of days ago. I guess he came here to make sure I took care of it.”
I could hear the bitterness in my voice and I hated how much my tone reminded me of my mother. I never wanted to be anything like her. But I did feel resentment that Wyatt’s burden weighed less than my own.
Levi’s brow furrowed and I could see his brain in overdrive as he tried to puzzle out my predicament. However, there was no simple fix for what I was going through. “He really did that. He came here to pressure you into having an abortion?” Levi sounded ready to unleash hell on Wyatt and I appreciated his over protectiveness. We’d only known each other briefly, but we had connected in a significant way. I only wished Levi had come into my life sooner.
“Nothing Wyatt says will affect my decision.” I curled into myself, drawing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs. “But I think the best thing for me would be to not continue the pregnancy.”
Levi didn’t change his expression nor did he offer an immediate reply. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for him. Did I want his blessing? For him to tell me he’d still like me and wouldn’t consider me a horrible human being for not wanting a baby? Because I had a gnawing sense of guilt since I began considering an abortion. Like I had failed at being a woman.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this. But I’m glad you told me,” he said gently.
I raised a skeptical eyebrow. “How can you be glad? You should be out the door and telling me to lose your number.”
“I still care about you, Delia. You being pregnant doesn’t make my feelings go away,” he said. “I’ve been drawn to you from the moment we met. I saw how fearless and beautiful you were and I thought how lucky I’d be to have someone like you in my life.”
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