“No… no, it’s really not. Cain Somers has somehow managed to get out of the hospital and has absconded.”
I gasped and glanced over to where Cain sat chewing his nails. “Oh, no! But how?”
“He seems to have overridden the door code.”
“Oh, gosh. But what made you think I wouldn’t be okay?”
“Look… please don’t take this the wrong way, but… Patty thinks he’s fixated on you. Apparently he went ballistic when he discovered you’d gone on leave. He refused to speak with Magnus.”
“I see. I see. Well, you don’t need to worry. He’s not been here,” I lied through my teeth.
“Just keep your doors locked and dial 999 if he turns up, okay?”
“Sure. Yes. But you know, Alex, I think he’s harmless. Maybe a little stir-crazy and fed up. That’s all. It’s my guess he just needed some fresh air.”
“I hope you’re right, Kelly. Sorry to bother you on your time off. Especially at this late hour.”
“No worries. Bye, Alex.” I hung up and watched as Cain stood and grabbed his coat.
“Where are you going to go?”
“I’ll go back. I’ll apologise and tell them I needed some air like you said. Don’t worry. I won’t mention you.”
I nodded and kept my eyes locked on his for a moment longer than necessary. He stepped toward me and pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. Being there felt so right, regardless of what I had discovered. The heat of his body seeped through my clothing and into my skin as if there were no barrier between us. Just like the time we had made love here in my home. The memory flooded my heart with a mixture of longing and pain, twisting at me and taunting me with something I could never have again.
Loosening his grip, he cupped my cheek. “Kelly, what I said before about using you. I… I didn’t mean it, okay? I felt such a deep connection to you that it fucking freaked me out. I’m kind of sad that things have happened this way, and I’m angry with myself for how I treated you. You’re a truly amazing woman. Damn sexy too.”
He smiled, and I melted into his penetrating blue gaze. I knew what he was going to say. I knew I was his doctor, and it needed to be this way. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.
“What happened between us… Now that I remember Melody, I should regret it… but… I can’t. Making love to you felt… so right. Even though now I know it was wrong. But regardless of all that… I don’t deserve you. The more I remember, the more I think I don’t deserve to be loved… by anyone. And I know I could never give you what you need. I’m too fucking messed up. I’m not whole. I’m half a fucking man right now. And this latest memory has just thrown more crazy into the melting pot. I love someone in the US? Fuck, why can’t I remember her if she’s so damned important to me? It’s terrifying. What the hell will she think of me when I go back? Because I have to go back. I have to find Rosa. How can I give anyone a part of myself when I’m not whole? I have so much to figure out… even with Melody. I have so many fears, and no one deserves to have to deal with that shit. I can’t think of a future with anyone until I get my past straight in my head. But you deserve that. You deserve someone who can commit to a future with you completely. And I’m so sorry, but I can’t do that. The sad thing is that even though you reminded me of someone I love… I know I really do love you, but… I just can’t deal with all of this right now. I’m so sorry, Kelly.” His voice broke and my heart squeezed as more tears spilled over from my eyes. He kissed my forehead and pressed his lips there for a few seconds before pulling away and walking toward the front door.
I didn’t follow.
Chapter Eighteen
Cain
The trouble I had caused by checking out without telling anyone became evident when I arrived back at the hospital to a crowd of cops. I was immediately escorted back to the Mental Health Unit and marched into Doctor Clayton’s office. He interrogated me about where I had been and how I had managed to escape. He didn’t use that exact word, but that’s what he meant. Never, since being there, had I felt more like a fucking dangerous criminal. I wondered if they’d be tagging me next.
When I was eventually allowed back to my room, it was almost two in the morning and I was fucking beat. I stripped down to my boxers and went to rinse my face. As I turned to walk away I noticed the ink on my back. I hadn’t taken much notice of it before, but now I was intrigued. There was a winged skull with flames and a broken halo above it. Company of Sinners? What the fuck? I guessed I wasn’t the kind of person to have a rock band tattooed on his back. But who were they? Were they the people in the back of my mind when I was dreaming about Melody? Were those the guys I was thinking about when I remembered I didn’t care what the fuck they thought?
The whole situation was exhausting, and I just wanted it to be over. Not the suicide kind of over. But the kind of over that meant I could just get back to my own fucking life. I climbed into bed with more questions than I’d had when I awoke.
Where the hell was she? We were both supposed to be on time. I paced up and down outside the two-storey house, waiting for her to arrive. The owner of the house was late too, damn him. But it wasn’t like Melody to be late. She was so goddamn pernickety about shit like that. I glanced down at my Cosmic tattoo, and there she was smiling up at me from my forearm, all draped and sexy looking with those big green eyes that got her whatever she wanted every fucking time. But fuck it, she was my everything. Signing the lease on our first proper home together was a big fucking deal. She’d been so great about Rosa still living with us. And getting out of the trailer park was going to mean pulling further away from the Company.
It’s all Melody had wanted.
Being my old lady had gotten tedious pretty damn fast. She knew what the guys were like after serving them beer at the clubhouse since she was old enough to do it. But the fact that her pa had gone meant that she had no one except me keeping her there. The fact that her mom had left as soon her pa had gotten involved in the Company and that he had died in the line of duty, so to speak, made her all the more determined that any kids we had would grow up without this crazy-ass lifestyle.
Kids… shit.
The thought of being a daddy scared the crap out of me but excited me all the same. She was only a couple months along, but knowing that a life was growing inside her belly—a life that we created together—just made me love her more. She was gonna be an amazing momma. I just knew it.
I pulled out my cell to check the time and realised I had a text message.
Hey babe. The lease is signed. I talked to Cliff and he let me sign it by myself. Didn’t need us both after all. I’m at the house waiting for you. And I may just be a little naked and horny when you arrive ;-)
I laughed and shook my head. My God, woman. You’re so damned frustrating, but boy do I love you! I made my way up the path to the white front door and opened it. I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth and tried to stifle my grin. But who was I kidding? This woman got my motor running with the smallest of gestures. My excitement to see her and to celebrate almost had me running through the house. But I was trying to play it cool. Letting her have her fun.
The house was cute. A little small, but it had a proper yard and a front door that locked. It needed decorating, as the white walls were a little too clinical, but we’d get around to that eventually. The nursery was going to be the first job and then Rosa’s room. I’d gotten the plans straight in my head.
I felt sure the baby would be a little boy, and against her initial fears for presuming, Melody had chosen a really nice powder blue. Rosa wanted red for her room, but Melody and I were trying to talk her out of it. She was almost eighteen now though and knew her own mind, and boy did she let us know it. Melody wanted our room to be all romantic. She had her heart set on this huge fucking four-poster bed. And right then she could have had anything she wanted.
She was taking care of my baby, after all.
When I stepped inside the house, I could smell her p
erfume. “Melody! Baby, I’m here. Where are you?” I called. But she was being sneaky and there was no answer. I grinned and tiptoed further in. I don’t know if it was down to the hormones and whatnot, but she was insatiable. Not that I was complaining. I loved her body, and her tits had gotten a little bigger—a fact I was more than happy about.
I slowly made my way to the back of the house, where the kitchen and the stairs were, and loosened my T-shirt from my jeans as I walked. I anticipated her lying on a blanket or an air mattress or something, naked and waiting for me with that sexy look she got when she was aroused.
The sound of “Set Fire to the Third Bar” by Snow Patrol travelled through the atmosphere and sent shivers down my spine. The song always made me feel sad; but for her own sentimental reasons, Melody loved it very much. She said there was real beauty in the melancholy of the lyrics, and listening to it made her grateful that she had me with her. It was my guess she had it on repeat on her iPod. She played it everywhere ever since I’d gotten her the portable speaker.
I rounded the corner and stopped dead.
A cold shiver like an electric current ran down my spine and I dropped to my knees as the bottom fell out of my whole fucking world.
“Oh, fuck… oh, fuck no! Melody! No! Baby, no! Melody, no, don’t do this. Open your eyes, baby, please.”
She lay there, completely still, at the foot of the stairs. Blood oozed from her head and created a crimson halo around her, and her beautiful body was lifeless as I scooped her into my arms. As I did so, a long sigh left her lungs and for a minute I was filled false hope. I pulled her away from me. “Melody? Melody that’s it, breathe for me baby, just breathe,” I begged. But the stark realisation that it was simply the remaining air expelling from her lungs stabbed me in the heart, and I crumpled once more. “Noooo! No… please,” I sobbed as I rocked her back and forth. I blinked the tears away from my eyes and let them trickle down my face. Her once rosy cheeks were pale and her skin cold.
“Come on, baby, wake up now, okay? We have to get you to hospital. Come on, sweetheart, come on, Melody. Don’t leave me, okay? Stay with me, okay? You and this baby mean everything to me. Everything. I’m nothing without the two of you, Melody, do you hear me? Nothing.” I placed my hand over her stomach for a moment, but the cold of her skin emanated through the fabric of her flimsy sweater and I couldn’t stand it.
Reluctant to give in or give up, I kissed her forehead and continued to rock her. “Please, just wake up, sweetheart. We’re gonna move in here and be so happy. I swear it. You’ll see. No more Cosmic. No more nothing that isn’t just me and you and our little boy. I promise. I’ll walk away from the club right now… right now if you wake up for me. Come on, baby, wake up for me now.” Sobs racked my body as I shouted at her even though I knew it was pointless. A, painful grinding radiated through my head and my face, and I realized that in my agony I had been gritting my teeth until my jaws ached. My stomach rolled and I squeezed her limp body to my chest. I was too late. “No! No, don’t you do this. Don’t you fucking leave me! Don’t you dare fucking leave me, Melody.”
The lyrics filling the air spoke of being far away from a loved one, and my heart almost split in two as I rocked my beautiful Melody in my arms.
Her eyes remained closed, her chest remained motionless. My heart remained shattered.
She had already left me.
Kelly
“He’s inconsolable, Kelly. We really need you to come in. He’s asking for you, and he wouldn’t explain to anyone else what was wrong. Please. We’ve had to sedate him. Please, love.”
Patty’s worried voice down the phone line gave me the shivers.
What the hell had happened that meant she had to ring me at five in the morning when I was supposed to be on leave? I fumbled around for my clothes, and after taking the quickest shower ever, I dried and dressed myself in a hurry.
As I walked faster than usual toward my place of work, the sun was just beginning to rise and there was a distinct chill to the air. I wasn’t sure if it was the actual temperature or just the fact that my blood was running cold as I tried to figure out what had happened to upset Cain so much.
I signed in and dashed to the elevator, willing the car to travel faster than its cable was allowing and wishing I’d taken the stairs. When I walked through the Mental Health Department doors, Patty and Alex were waiting for me.
“How’s he doing?” I asked as I removed my coat.
“He’s sleeping. We had to sedate him again. He purposefully banged his head on the wall several times and said he needed to forget,” Alex informed me with a cringe.
The thought of him trying to erase something from his memory scared me. Goose bumps rose on my skin, and I scrunched my eyes for a moment. “Oh, no. I wonder if his memory has returned altogether and he doesn’t like what he’s discovered.”
Alex nodded thoughtfully. “I think that may be the case. Once he comes around, you will need to be careful. He’s restrained at the moment, as we feared he would harm himself further.”
Hell, it must be bad, then. I nodded and Patty took my coat from me with a worried smile. I made my way to Cain’s room and stepped inside. A gash on his head had been stitched, presumably as he slept, and his eyes were sunken and very dark but rimmed with red. I pulled up a chair and took his hand. I sat there just stroking his skin and trying to hold myself together, but it broke my heart to see him like that.
I must’ve dozed off, as I awoke to find my head resting on his bed and my hand still clutching his. As my eyelids fluttered open, I could hear the sound of raw, broken sobbing. Lifting my head slowly, I looked up toward Cain’s face. Tears cascaded from the corners of his scrunched eyes, and his lips were twisted in a mask of agony.
I stood and brushed his hair back from his forehead. “Hey… hey, Cain, it’s me, Kelly.”
He opened his eyes and peered up at me through the pools of saltwater. “She’s… she’s dead,” he whispered.
My stomach dropped and I gripped his hand tighter. “Who? Who’s dead, Cain?”
“Melody. And… and our baby.”
“I… I don’t understand… Please can you explain?”
“I remembered. I remembered because I was the one who found her. She’s gone and our baby died with her.” He closed his eyes again and let out a heart wrenching, guttural roar that made me gasp and step back in a split second of fear. I covered my mouth with my hands and watched helplessly as he fought angrily against his restraints. Eventually he relented and lay there, shaking, jaw clenched and eyes squeezed tightly shut as if doing so would erase the newly discovered truth.
All reason and protocol flew out the window along with any concerns I had about my job, and I stepped forward once more. I bent over him, wrapping my arms around him as best I could. He needed comfort, and at that precise moment, I didn’t give a damn about anything but giving him what he needed. Unwelcome and inappropriate memories slipped into to my mind about how I had felt when he made love to me. My breasts pressing against his hard chest and his weight on me as he filled me. My heart ached in the knowledge that it would never happen again.
This was my own selfish grief.
I was grieving for a love that was far from perfect and wasn’t ethically right but that meant something. I shared in his grief at that moment and wanted more than anything to turn back the clock. I wanted for this terrible sequence of tragic events never to have happened to him. I wanted him never to have suffered once let alone twice. But most of all I wanted never to have met him. Never to have known him. Never to have had such a deep sexual and emotional connection with him. Never to have been so intensely and sexually awakened.
And never to have fallen so completely and unequivocally in love with him.
As I held him, he turned his head into my neck and continued to pour out all of his pain and anguish onto my skin, and my own eyes let go of the tears I had been fighting. I just held him like that for what seemed like hours. It was wrong to want him t
o so desperately. I knew that. But it didn’t stop me from wishing I could take his grief away with my body. To love him and show him that he wasn’t alone.
Every so often he mumbled pain-filled words that twisted my insides, and I tried so hard not to sob. He needed someone to be strong for him.
And right then I was that someone.
“Our baby… Oh, God, our baby… Melody… Melody, no…” His voice was a strangled and unfamiliar sound. Gone were the arrogance and strength he had exuded since he gained consciousness.
What was left was a defeated and heartbroken man.
Without caring about the consequences, I reached down and unfastened the restraints at his wrists and helped him to sit up. As soon as he was upright, he grabbed for me and buried his head at my breast as his arms came around my waist, his bulk dwarfing my petite frame, and more hurt and pain overcame him. I stroked his hair and soothed him as best I could, but I knew there was nothing I could say to him that would take away the shock of the grief he was feeling for the second time. Experiencing the horrific accident at the time it had actually happened must have been bad enough, but now to be going through it all over again….
He pulled away and gazed up at me, bone-deep loss darkening his eyes. I wiped his cheeks with my thumbs, and he cleared his throat and swallowed hard. “She… she fell. We were signing a lease for our new house…” He closed his eyes. “She was trying to surprise me. She was only ten weeks pregnant, and we were so happy. We were excited about being a mommy and daddy. We were going to paint the nursery right away. She was at the house waiting for me, but I… I didn’t know. I didn’t hear my phone and I was waiting outside. I could’ve saved her if I’d seen her message sooner… I could’ve saved her, Kelly, but I didn’t. It’s all my fault. They’re both gone, and it’s all my fault.”
Bad Company: Company of Sinners MC #1 Page 14