by Jaye Cox
“Well, you’re rocking that chicken,” I say, handing her the flowers. “Shall we?” I say, linking our arms and escorting her to the fort, it's all closed off on the back and sides and open at the front. Delilah really came through with the decorating team she found.
“This is amazing, it looks like a fluffy cloud.” She’s right, it does. My inner child comes out and I just have to fall into the pillows and see how awesome it feels.
“It feels like I’m lying in a pit of marshmallows, get down here.” She doesn’t hesitate, jumps right in and gets comfortable, while I get the popcorn and chocolate. I tell her to pick something to watch, and half expect her to pick some chick flick, but she surprises me with a horror movie. I don’t tell her these kinds of movies scare the shit out of me, it might ruin my bad boy rep. Scratch that, someone's blood and guts gets splattered in the first five minutes and I think I almost jumped out of my skin.
“Are you scared?” she says, rolling over to face me.
“Me, scared? Never,” I say, trying to not look away from the screen while stuffing my face full of popcorn.
“Mm-hmm,” she mumbles and turns back to watch the movie. I glance over at her every now and then, and she’s glued to the screen. Our hands are so close, I don’t know what comes over me but I link our pinkies. When she doesn’t move her hand, I look over at her and she looks back. I feel like we can really see each for the first time; no bullshit, no smart remarks, just us. With our faces only inches apart I want to kiss her, but I know if I do it won’t end at just kissing.
“What are we doing?” she asks.
“I don’t know, I want to kiss you so much, but I can’t,” I say, hoping she understands.
“I…can you just hold me, is that allowed?” I nod and pull her into my side, and for the first time in my life I’m holding a woman and it’s not to get laid, it's for the comfort of being in someone’s arms and I don’t hate it.
We must have drifted off, because when I wake up Callie is fast asleep in my arms. I look at her and watch as she lightly snores, and I can imagine having a life beyond music that doesn’t involve parties or drugs, maybe even a family, and that scares me more than a horror movie. I slide my arm from under her, as much as that life with her looks appealing, I feel like I'm suffocating and need to get out of here. I know when she wakes up she’ll regret what happened, so I’ll make it easy for her and go back to being me. She deserves so much more than what I can offer her.
Chapter Twelve
Callie
Although things between Eddie and I have been strictly business, I thought for a split second we might have been able to be friends. I’d started feeling things for him that are inappropriate for a working relationship, and I was hoping that Sasha was right that he really was a good guy, not a broken mess that only does what’s best for Eddie and no one else. That was until he apologised and confused me even more. Was he sweet? Yes. Did I feel things I shouldn’t? Yes. Maybe we crossed a few lines, but I got the feeling it was all for him and not me, that it was the calm before the storm since he was gone when I woke up and we have not spoken since. Now he’s gone and locked himself back in his studio for the last few days. I suppose it’s a good thing the band has a new album to write. The rest of the band have seemed happy, when I first met them they didn’t think it was possible for Eddie to get sober. Maybe my time here is done. I see Mickki walking into the kitchen and guess now is as good a time as any to ask.
“Hey, do you have a second to have a chat?” I ask, startling him.
“Shit girl, you almost made me crap my pants,” he jokes.
“Sorry. I wanted to see what you think about Eddie’s progress. He seems to be doing okay, and now the hard part’s over it might be time for me to move out and just take him to his weekly meeting. That is if he even wants me to take him, he hasn’t exactly spoken to me lately, not even to piss me off like he loves to do.”
“I think he’s doing okay for now, but he hasn’t had any temptations around. What you do is up to you, living here wasn’t required. Although, I do think you should see how he feels about this.”
“Could you? Because every time I try to talk to him, it’s like dealing with a two-year-old. I won’t be around tonight, I have a dinner date.”
“Who’s the lucky man?” he asks, giving me a nudge.
“Men, actually,” I say, giving him a wink.
“Go you. I knew underneath all that, you had a wild side,” he says and I give him a laugh as I walk from the room. My dinner date is with Dane and Beau. Beau turns eighteen in a few days and requested that we go out for dinner, just the three of us.
Walking through the house, I hear a wolf whistle. I turn to see Eddie leaning against the wall. “I knew you’d scrub up well.”
“Thanks,” I say, wondering how long his good mood will last. “I have a dinner date. I can’t get my zipper done up and was looking for Delilah.” He motions for me to turn around, and moves my hair to the side as he pulls up the zipper. The hairs on my arms stand on end and my body is covered in goose bumps, his finger lingers on my neck for a few seconds before I hear him take a deep breath.
“Mickki mentioned something about that,” he says and I get a hint of annoyance in his voice.
“Eddie… I- um.”
“It’s okay, you have needs and it’s fine to bring him here.”
“No, it’s not.” I stumble with my words as I try to explain. I don’t even know why I’m trying to explain myself to him.
“You’d better go before you stand up your date,” he says before walking off; he makes me so infuriated.
On my way to Beau’s favourite restaurant, I get nervous. Dane and I haven’t been out to a restaurant together ever, unless you class McDonalds as a restaurant. I spot my son’s handsome face as I approach the restaurant. I’m glad I can finally be a mother he can be proud of, one he wants to be around. I’m grateful to Dane’s wife for stepping in when I wasn’t around.
“Wow, mum, you look amazing,” Beau says, kissing my cheek.
“You look stunning,” Dane says, also kissing my cheek. I still get those damned butterflies in my stomach when I’m around him. I know that ship’s sailed, and I wouldn’t ever go back there even if the offer was on the table, but he has a way about him that draws me in.
“Thank you, both,” I say as Beau opens the door for me. When we’re seated I ask Beau what he wants for his birthday and he avoids answering, I look to Dane for an answer.
“Beau thinks he won’t be around for his birthday and wants us to make sure Jaynie’s okay, that she has someone when he’s gone.” I’m shocked. I look at my son with watery eyes and wonder how much I’ve messed him up.
“Don’t be upset mum, I just want to enjoy tonight.”
Before I can answer, my phone starts buzzing away in my purse. “I’m sorry, it’s a work thing. Do you mind?” They both shake their head, no.
“Eddie? What’s wrong…No you’re not due for another hour…No you can’t have it early…Why? Because the doctor said so, that’s why…I don’t care, just go take a shower or something, and I don’t want to know what the something is, Eddie…I don’t know where you put your cigarettes. You’re a damn rock star, go buy some more…I have to go. Is this conversation going anywhere?...What you do with your penis is your business. Damn it, Eddie, I’m hanging up on you now.” I hang up the phone and look at the men sitting in front of me, both with smiles on their faces.
“Eddie is the rock star you’re working for?” Beau asks.
“Yes, but please don’t tell anyone,” I say and they both motion that they’re zipping their lips.
“What’s he like?” Beau asks
“A pain in my ass,” I say and they laugh. Both keep throwing questions at me like star struck teenage girls over a boy band.
“Please, please, please, take me to meet him?” Beau begs.
“Yes, please,” Dane follows.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. When I mo
ved in he did set up a room for you, but…"
“But nothing, he made a room for me and you haven’t told me.”
“You moved in with him? Does that mean you’re…"
“No, I’m not sleeping with him, and yes, you have a room, but he isn’t someone I want you around.”
After their endless harassment over dinner, here we are out in front of Eddie’s house. As we enter the house, I can smell smoke and hear laughter, this can’t be good. I walk cautiously through the house as Dane and Beau follow behind me. I find Eddie in one of his lounge rooms playing poker with half-naked women hanging around. I don’t recognise any of the faces in the room.
“Hey Callie, wanna join in?” Eddie yells across the room.
“No,” I say and make Dane and Beau follow me to my end of the house. I take them into Beau’s room and he looks at all the old records while I pull Dane aside.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think he’d do that. He’s full on at the moment.”
“Relax, he’s a rock star, and your innocent son has seen boobs before.”
“I know, but would it be possible for you to take him home? I have to make sure the idiot hasn’t taken anything and I don’t want him to see his mum deal with that side of things.”
Ten minutes later, Dane manages to drag Beau from the room and I promise he can come stay another time. I know they have some concert in Sydney next week, something their new manager set up, and I think it’ll be my time to move out and give them time to find someone else. I’ve had time to cool down, but I haven’t, the time has just made me furious. I know this is his house, but when we made our deal there was to be no smoking in the house, and the empty bottles by his feet indicate he’d more than the three drinks we agreed on. If he can’t take this seriously, then I’m out. I won’t put myself back where I know I don’t want to be. I’ve been sober for five years, but it doesn’t mean I’m not tempted.
Walking back into the lounge room, I notice a face I know. The band’s manager is sitting at the poker table, drink in hand and a damned cigarette hanging from her mouth.
“You finally decided to join the party?” Eddie says as I approach the table. When I notice a bag of white powder in the pot, I lean over and grab it.
“Are you fucking serious right now? Is all this a joke to you?” I say louder than I should.
“Calm down,” Alex says. I turn and look at her.
“Calm down, calm down, you should be ashamed of yourself and mind your own business. At least one of us is doing our job.” I turn back to Eddie and he has the nerve to smile.
“I’m just having some fun with a few friends, no harm done.”
“No harm? You interrupt my dinner with my son, who has some sick obsession with dying before his birthday thanks to the shit I caused him, and all he wanted was to meet you. What a joke, right?” I say.
“Lighten up and have some fun,” he says, throwing whatever was in his glass at me.
“You know what? Fuck you, you’re a pig,” I say, wiping the liquid from my eyes. ”You asked me how I got this scar, and the reason why I keep helping you,” I say, removing the band I wear to cover it.
“Why don’t you enlighten us, love?”
“I tried to kill myself. Because of me, my brother was shot right in front of me…because I was an addict. And, how about this?” I say, ripping the dress from my body and pointing out the scar above my hip. “The other bullet that didn’t kill me. Now tell me to lighten up and have fun, because I know what it’s like to hit rock bottom, to actually lose everything and have to work my ass off to get where I am now. So, fuck you, and I quit.” I say.
“And you think that fixing me will make you feel, what? Better? Maybe some kind of redemption? Well, guess what, it won't,” he says. I put everything I have into slapping him, he’s gone too far now. Slapping him really didn’t make me feel any better, so I pick up my dress and storm through the house and back to my room. I find a suitcase and start throwing clothes in it. Who was I kidding? I’m a recovering addict trying not to drown while helping another addict; I wasn’t ready to take on someone like him. I avoid going through the house and having to see him again. My old car is parked around the side of the house, I hadn’t wanted to get rid of it in case something like this happened.
Pulling up at my sister’s house, I see her walk outside. As soon as I see her I break down, everything has started to pile up and tonight was just the icing on the cake. She puts her arms around my neck and squeezes me. “Are you okay?” she simply asks and I nod my head. We walk to my old room together and I’m surprised that it’s still the same, I’d presumed she would have converted it into a nursery already. I feel like a terrible sister, I’ve neglected Jules while I was trying to help Eddie. Her stomach has started to round out a little now and it makes me smile. I never thought I’d ever want more children, but my thoughts drift back to when I was pregnant with Beau and how by being so young I took so much for granted. I missed so much of his life. and what I was there for I took for granted. “Call Olivia,” Jules says with one last hug.
“I will tomorrow, I just want to sleep now.”
“Do you want to talk about him?” she asks, looking at me; she knows me better than I know myself sometimes.
“Nothing to talk about. He’s either beyond help, or maybe I’m just not cut out to help his sorry ass.”
“Have you considered that there might be another reason you’re so explosive around each other?”
“What other reason could there be, other than the fact he’s a jackass?” I snap.
“Sleep on it and see what you come up with,” she says as she closes the door, she always does that just to get the last word. All I want to do right now is watch some TV and fall asleep, tonight opened some really deep wounds that I had thought I’d dealt with, but now I’m not so sure. How can speaking words slice through you like a razor blade and bring back everything you wanted to forget?
Chapter Thirteen
Eddie
I normally love the sound of skin hitting skin, but the slap she gave me stung like a son of a bitch and now Callie’s words are ringing through my head over and over, I’d never stopped to consider that maybe she’d been through anything like what I have. I thought wrong. I won’t deny that her stripping down did things to the monster that I shouldn’t have felt in that moment, and I won’t deny she fascinates me. A woman immune to my charms…I’ve only met one other and that’s my mother, given she hates me.
Kicking the last of the women out, I make my way to her room. I want to apologise to her, even explain myself. I acted like a jealous boyfriend and I hurt her, something I never wanted to do. I like to frustrate her a little because she gets funny when she’s getting mad, but tonight she wasn’t mad at me, she was beyond furious and that’s a kick in the gut.
Her door swings open as I lightly knock on it, most of her things are gone, she really didn’t mess around. I thought I’d be able to talk her into staying. I really can’t do this without her. Sitting on her bed, I run my hands through my hair. What did I do? I ruined another good thing in my life. Normal people learn from their mistakes. How many times do I have to repeat the same shit over and over before I get it through my thick head, I’m not invincible and I’m certainly very replaceable.
Her keys are sitting next to her bedside lamp. One thing people say about me is how impulsive I am and I always considered that a good thing. I swipe up the keys and run out to the car I bought her, the thought of her driving that death trap of hers scares the hell out of me. Robert, the security guy at the gate, can see me coming, I click the button on her keyring and open the gate. When Marcus finds out I left by myself he’s going to kill me, so I want to get away quietly.
Pulling up to the curb in front of Callie’s sisters house, I see the death trap parked in the driveway. I instantly lose all my nerve and contemplate simply driving away; she won’t want to talk to me anyway, so why upset her even more. I need a cigarette so bad, I scramble around in
her car, opening the console I find an unopened pack; she even thinks to buy me smokes. I truly am an asshole. Reclining the seat back a little, my nerves start to calm with each draw. The passenger door swings open and a shorter version of Callie jumps into the car, the shock of how much she looks like her has me lost for words.
“Eddie, I presume. You should put that thing out because you wouldn’t want a pregnant woman inhaling second-hand smoke.”
“Sorry,” I say, flicking it out the window.
“You’ve really done a number on my sister. I knew when Sasha came to me it was a bad idea, but she convinced me that you two would be able to heal each other. It must have been a lapse in judgement on my behalf.”
“Sasha?” I ask.
“Yes, Sasha is, or was, our sister-in-law, she was married to our brother before he was killed. For a rock star, and someone who really should look into who works for you, you don’t seem overly careful.”
“You’re Amelia’s aunt?”
“Yes, welcome to the conversation genius, Amelia is our niece.”
“How come I never met you before then?” I ask, sceptical. How could Callie be Amelia’s aunt and I not know.
“When Amelia was sick, Callie’s drug addiction was possibly at its worst. She blames herself for our brothers’ death. I saw how happy Sasha and Amelia were with you around and I had to save my sister or at least try. I couldn’t lose another sibling, and I couldn’t let a little boy grow up without his mother.”
“Did she try to commit suicide before or after Amelia?” I ask, all this information is so much to take in.
“I’ve said enough. I can tell she cares about you a lot more than she admits to herself, she wouldn’t have stayed longer than the first day if she didn’t. She risked staying sober for you that night at the club. Now, I’m going to sneak back inside and what you do next is up to you.” And with that she’s gone. What am I supposed to do with all this information. I thought I was messed up, but Callie…my heart breaks for her, the pain she’s had to endure is more than she should have to. I’m a man, I should have acted like one. Climbing from the car, I try to run through my head what I’ll say to her if she agrees to speak to me. Ringing the doorbell, I wait. Her sister answers and smiles, and my heart does a backflip, her smile reminds me of Callie’s.