The air crackled again. Caitlin ignored the tapping pine needles as more littered the ground. What she couldn’t ignore were the pinecones bombarding their safe haven under the tree. Like artillery from the heavens, this simple distraction halted the fires of passion.
Mac broke off his kiss and covered her head. The wind had picked up considerably, whipping the grove with a vengeance.
“This can’t be good for the fire.” His voice was raw, fraught with need, and tinged with regret and yet the words were deliberately normal.
Caitlin realized the moment was lost. Passion and opportunity were whisked away on a flurry through the trees. In the past few minutes, their relationship had forever changed. What would come next she couldn’t guess, but the doubt and fear she’d felt earlier had taken seed. The breeze chilled her skin. Gooseflesh rose on her bare arms and shoulders.
“The wind shouldn’t matter now. We’re safe here, aren’t we?” Her voice came out breathy, giving away her submission.
Mac’s eyes still smoldered, but the burning passion began to yield to reason. With a blink, he distanced himself from her—from what they’d almost done—just as she’d feared.
He picked up her shirt and shook out the pine needles and dirt. “Put it on.” His voice was tight. “Please.” He held the shirt at the shoulder seams while she obediently slipped her arms through the sleeves.
Dipping her chin to find the buttons, she said, “Mac. About what happened—”
“Nothing happened.”
She fastened the last button and looked at him. He hadn’t moved. That muscle jumped in his jaw again. Where did they stand now? Would he retreat again, as he had before? And if he didn’t? If he still wanted her…could her love reach beyond his pattern of denial? She banished the misgivings to a dark corner and gave him a tentative smile. “Maybe we could call a truce?”
“Maybe.” He stood and brushed the debris from his clothes. Then he tucked his shirt back in his pants. “Where’s my hat?”
“Over there.” She pointed to the base of another pine.
He strode over to the tree and picked up his hat. When he turned back, he looked like he wanted to say something. Instead, he examined his cap before slapping it against his leg to remove the dirt. Surprisingly, instead of putting it on, he dropped it on top of the backpack. Each movement deliberate, calculated to bring normalcy to the situation. Even with her shirt back on, she felt cold, from the inside out. Mac had retreated, as if his internal fire had been snuffed out by the sudden shift of wind.
Caitlin took as deep a breath as she dared with her wrapped ribs and started to stand.
“Stay put.” It wasn’t a request. He walked over to the ridge and looked at the fire below.
Puzzled, she settled back against the tree. “I thought you wanted to get going.”
“Not yet.” He still wouldn’t look at her. “You need to rest.”
She shook her head. “I can rest when we’re off the mountain.”
“You will.” Mac studied the fire another moment and then walked back to kneel in the dirt next to her. “I need to know something, first.”
His request sounded ominous. “Okay.” She gave him a sidelong glance, trying to guess what he wanted. As she expected, his impassive expression gave away none of his inner thoughts. At least he was still talking to her. She hoped that was a good sign, especially after that passionate kiss. “What do you want to know?”
He shifted and cleared his throat. His gaze collided with hers. “Why did you really leave two years ago?”
Chapter Fourteen
Mac wanted to kick himself for giving in to the question that haunted him for two years. Did he really need to know why Caitlin left? Wasn’t it enough that she was back? That she didn’t hate him for what he’d taken from her that night?
Instead of kneeling next to her, digging at old wounds, he should be putting distance between him and this fiery redhead who messed with his mind. Not only his mind, but also his discipline and libido. None of which were under his control at the moment.
He had no right to ask why she left two years ago. No right to demand answers, either. She was her own person. Had been from the day he met her. Why she left shouldn’t matter to him. So, why was he consumed by this burning need to know?
He knew why. He cared about Caitlin. Cared about the years they’d known each other. He couldn’t just let it go. Until he understood the underlying issues of their unorthodox relationship, got his head around the feelings she churned up inside him, he wasn’t moving from this spot. The crew and the fire be damned. All he had, everything he felt, was vested in her answer. What worried him most was that he wasn’t sure if he’d detect a lie. Holding back the truth was something Caitlin never used to do. Yet, since her return, he noticed she’d gotten quite skilled at it.
He studied her. A flush rose under the dirt on her cheeks, erasing the pallor that had been there before he kissed her. Her pink tongue flickered across her lips, moistening them. His gut clenched and he resisted leaning over to take another taste of her sweetness. “I’m waiting for an answer.”
Her gaze dropped. He followed it to where her clenched hands rested in her lap, surprised to see the whites of her knuckles. In that instant, he knew she would be completely honest.
Stretching out his arm, he lifted her chin with his fingers. Long eyelashes fluttered before she lifted her gaze to meet his. He felt her shuddering exhalation.
“You left first.” Her whisper fell softly as the autumn leaves and stung like the first frost of winter. “Why did you leave that morning without a word?”
He released her chin, but she didn’t look away.
That day rushed back to him, crystal clear, and forever burned in his mind. “I had to return to my job.” The grief of Grandma’s death had dulled over time, but the hole she left had never been filled. “The funeral was over. My leave was up.”
She briefly closed her eyes then opened them again. Regret, shaded with curiosity, darkened the amber color to a honeyed brown. “You couldn’t even say goodbye?”
“I-I was coming back. When the job was over.” The unfinished business of that night had haunted him for two years. “You left the following week for D.C. You didn’t even write.”
“Neither did you.”
Touché.
“I crossed the line, Cait. How do I atone for that in a letter?”
She shrugged. Only a slight pinch to her mouth indicated the movement was painful. What he’d give to be able to take all the pain away from her. He was afraid if he touched her again, there’d be no turning back.
“I don’t know. Anything would have been better than nothing. Everything happened so fast that night. Pete…”
“Pete.” He practically spat out the reprobate’s name. “I have no idea what you ever saw in him.”
“He was my friend. You didn’t have to throw him out.”
“Yes. I did. He had no business mauling you like that.” He glanced away. Now who was lying? Mac had wanted Pete gone. And not just because he’d caught him kissing Caitlin.
Mac had never completely lost his temper like that before. Or since. When he walked into the house after Grandma’s funeral and saw Pete on top of Caitlin, pawing at her clothes, he’d been ready to kill the bastard.
“Pete was just trying to comfort me.”
“Comfort, my ass!
“I would’ve handled him.” She wrapped her arms around her stomach. “Besides, what else was I to do? You and Dad both left me alone after the funeral.” Her voice cracked, but tears never fell. “I loved Grandma, too, you know.”
He nodded. “I know you did.” His voice softened.
“Then why were you so angry that night?”
“Because Pete touched you. I couldn’t stand to see you give yourself to him.”
****
Caitlin’s stomach pitched. She moistened her lips. For two long years, she’d wondered what had triggered Mac’s fury. Now she knew.
S
he thought back to that night, reliving it as though it was only yesterday.
Mac had hauled Pete off her by his shirt collar and shoved him out the front door. Then stormed upstairs without saying a word.
Caitlin had been left standing in the living room, wondering exactly what was wrong. Mac had never acted like that—like a caveman—before. Unable to stop herself, she followed him, intending to confront him about staying out of her business.
In reality, her exasperation was only bluster. She was actually relieved when Mac intervened. Instead of thanking Mac for tossing Pete out on his ear, she’d yelled at him. “How dare you treat me like a child? I’m free and over twenty-one. I can kiss whomever I please.”
Mac had stalked toward her. His words, spoken through clenched teeth, later replayed over and over in her mind. “So you want to be kissed? I’ll show you what it’s like to be kissed.”
Before she could move, he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. Then his mouth covered hers.
His kiss had been brutal, pressing her lips against her teeth. She moaned in protest and stiffened against the assault, but he’d refused to relent. It was as though some long, pent-up emotions exploded inside him.
Then, as suddenly as it started, the kiss changed. His lips traced moist lines of apology across her swollen mouth. Softer, gentler kisses coaxed and teased her until she relaxed in his arms.
For Caitlin, the floodgate she’d kept closed for years broke wide open.
Buried feelings she’d hidden from herself, and from the world, burst through. Her love for Mac boiled to the surface, scalding her. Leaving behind an unquenchable thirst.
She tore at his shirt. He didn’t resist. They crashed to his bed in a tangle of limbs and kisses and moans. Shoes and jeans and underwear littered the floor as they grappled with unbridled need.
It wasn’t long before he was inside her.
She gave him her virginity that night. The most perfect night of her life. She’d had no regrets then. As she looked back, she had no regrets now. Not about that night.
Throughout the night, they turned to each other again and again. Caitlin remembered every moment, each time she cried out his name. She recalled the sweetness of a never-ending dream and the cold reality of waking much too soon.
That night, she’d thought Mac had finally shown how much he cared for her. Loved her. The same as she loved him.
Dawn broke early and she lay quietly in his arms watching him sleep, afraid any movement would shatter the dream. When he opened his eyes, she allowed the naked truth of her feelings to shine through. Said the words that had been locked in heart for too long. “I love you.”
His eyes darkened. His arms tightened around her. He stared as though burning her image into his memory. “What have I done?” he whispered. Then he closed his eyes, for only a moment, and when he opened them, he’d shuttered away every last bit of passion.
Caitlin’s soul silently screamed as he withdrew from her—in both body and spirit.
Without speaking again, he climbed out of bed, and started tossing his belongings into a suitcase. When he finished, he stormed out of the room—out of her life.
The memory of his leaving her alone in his bed still hurt.
Catlin’s breath hitched, wishing that long ago dawn had never come. And now, here they were, two years later, facing another dawn. She licked her dry lips then immediately regretted it when Mac’s gaze arrowed to her mouth. She cleared her throat, uncertain where her next words would lead, only certain that she had to make him face the truth. “I’m not your sister.”
That muscle along his jaw worked overtime. Fascinated, she couldn’t look away.
“I know.” He swallowed. “The problem is, I’ve played the role of big brother for too long. I can’t be anything more than that.”
She jerked as if he’d slapped her. The worst punishment Dunn had doled out at the cabin didn’t hurt as much as Mac’s words. She took a breath and held onto her hope. “A few moments ago…you…we…”
“What happened a few moments ago was lust.” He shook his head as though disgusted by his actions. “Exhaustion, coupled with a healthy dose of temptation.” The look he sent her way curled her toes. “You’re a sexy woman, Cait.” His chin dropped to his chest. “I can’t believe I just said that. But I’ve never been able to deny it.”
Confusion set in. Caitlin couldn’t grasp what he was saying. He thought she was sexy, but couldn’t treat her differently than a sister. He still only thought of her as a relative? The looks he gave her, the kisses…all pointed to something else.
“Maybe we just need more time—” she said.
“I’ve had two years to think about it. Two years to wonder what happened that night.”
“And now you want to know why I left?”
He nodded.
Her question brought their conversation full circle. In her mind, everything had been laid out. And he still couldn’t see what was in front of his face.
Since he couldn’t see it, she’d just have to tell him outright. “What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t hide how I felt.”
He began to protest, but she held up her hand. “You didn’t—don’t reciprocate those feelings. Isn’t that plain enough? Or do I need to spell out the complication that makes for everyone?”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated. We were friends before. We can overcome this.” His voice sounded earnest, even though a shadow of doubt crossed his face.
“Overcome? Like some kind of virus? I don’t think so.” She threw her hands up in frustration. “That night is the elephant in the room. It hovers between us like a swarm of angry wasps just waiting to sting. We can’t even have a civil conversation.”
“We’re talking now.”
“You’re suggesting we agree to disagree? Or do you want me to pretend like it never happened?”
Mac opened his mouth to object then closed it.
She shook her head. “Neither of those options work for me.”
“Why not? Sixteen years we’ve known each other. How can you walk away from that?”
“Why do you hold on to the big brother routine? We’re adults now, adults who have feelings for each other. What’s wrong with admitting and acting on those feelings? Don’t you want to know if we could make a relationship work? To know if we’re capable of taking our friendship to the next level?
He started at her question. Looked as though he was seriously considering it, then his expression closed down again. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t want to know! What are you so afraid of, Mac? Is it me? Or what you might find in the shadows of your heart? Why won’t you try?”
“I’m trying to understand how our relationship got so complicated. One day we’re simply family, and then the next…” Honest bewilderment burned in his eyes.
“We were never ‘simply family.’ And we don’t have to dissect it. Can’t we accept it for what it is?” She swallowed, but she couldn’t stop the next words. “I love you, Mac. I love you more than I’ll ever love anyone.” If only he’d say the words. She was more than ready to wage a battle for what they could have together.
He shook his head and released a long sigh. “It’s wrong.”
“That’s your code of honor getting in the way again.”
“And you’re not thinking straight, only reacting to your feelings.”
Caitlin gave an ironic laugh. “Big surprise there.”
He didn’t speak. He simply stood and turned away.
She was tired of pretending she didn’t love Mac. The frustration had reached a point of no return. He didn’t want her. Not in the way she wanted him. Garnering her shredded pride, she placed the first brick in a wall of self-preservation. As soon as she got back to town, she would pack her bags and head back to Washington, D.C. Back to Northstar. She might not be the perfect agent yet, but there was nothing for her in Rockton. Not anymore.
He looked back at her. “I’m sorry, Cait.”
She shook her head. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” She blinked back the tears. She wouldn’t let him see her cry. The second brick slipped into place. “I brought this on myself.” Giving him an over-bright smile, she said, “I’ve rested enough. Let’s go home.”
He hesitated, studying her. A shadow of hurt crossed his face; then it was gone. What she offered was only a shell of the relationship they’d shared before. It was better than nothing. He’d have to take it or leave it, but she couldn’t muster more.
“Let me help you so you don’t put any more strain on those ribs.” Mac reached under her arms to support her as she stood. Once she was on her feet, he stepped back.
Caitlin ducked her head to hide the hurt his avoidance caused and brushed the seat of her pants. “Got a drink of water to share?”
“Here.” He picked up his backpack and handed it to her.
Unclipping the bladder’s straw, she took a long swallow of the warm water. It was starting to taste like rubber, but it was wet and quenched a little bit of her thirst. “Thanks.” She dabbed a drop from her lips and handed the bag back to Mac, not caring this time if he wiped her taste away before he took his own drink. “Are there any of those energy bars left?”
Mac fished out two bars and handed one to her. Tearing into it, she devoured the first half without tasting it.
“Hey, slow down,” he warned. “I only have two more left. They’ll have to last until we get off this mountain.”
“I must have my second wind. I didn’t feel this hungry earlier.”
“The pain is most likely subsiding. Your body has other things to think about now that you’re not hurting as much.” He glanced at her feet. “How’s the ankle? Do you want me to look at it?”
“It’s feeling better.” She gave it a slight wiggle. “I’m afraid to take off my boot in case I can’t get it back on.”
“That’s a possibility.” He frowned. “Promise you’ll tell me if it starts to hurt worse.”
Proving Ground Page 16