“He could no longer walk openly among the Jews, so we went from there into the country near the wilderness, to a city called Ephraim, and there remained. Passover was near, and many came from the country up to Jerusalem to purify themselves in advance of the feast. They sought Jesus and spoke among themselves as they stood in the temple, wondering aloud whether He would come. Both the chief priests and the Pharisees had announced that if anyone knew where He was, he should report it, that they might seize Him.
“Polycarp, are you weeping?”
The young man wiped his tears. “I know where this is going, of course. But to record a firsthand account simply makes me feel as if I were there.”
NINETEEN
John believed he had rallied somewhat physically by dawn of the Lord’s Day. The air was crisp again and John thought it would make for a more comfortable day of work, but still he had to pray continually to avoid panic. While he believed he could actually try pacing again intermittently while dictating—which allowed him to think more clearly and feel more attuned to the Spirit of God—he was more convinced than ever that his days were numbered. He wanted to finish the account, and he had more epistles—at least three—he wished to write to the churches, and for those he had further need of Polycarp.
While John and the young man worked, much noise emanated from the courtyard, where the house staff prepared for the evening service. They expected record attendance, and without John’s or Polycarp’s assistance, the work fell more heavily on Ignatius and many others.
John raced through more incidents from the earthly ministry of the Christ, eager to get to one more miracle. “Not a sign,” he assured Polycarp. “Your examinations are over. And, of course, nothing could be greater evidence of His Godship than the resurrection. Still, there is the story of the miracle while fishing, yet we have so much more to cover first.”
Pacing gingerly, John told of Mary anointing Jesus’ feet with expensive perfume that permeated the air. “Lazarus was there, and Martha, but also Judas, who demanded to know why such an expensive item was wasted. He suggested selling it and giving the money to the poor, but we all know now he had no interest in the poor. Such income would have simply given him more to embezzle.
“Lazarus soon became a target for murder as well, because the religious leaders pointed to his resurrection as the impetus for many turning to belief in Jesus. Several people, including all of us disciples, urged Jesus to flee Judea, especially Jerusalem during the Passover feast. But He knew better. He was on assignment from His Father and knew what He was about. Not only did He not avoid Jerusalem, but He also went there with a purpose. He taught everywhere He went, even in the lair of His enemies. The crowds welcomed Him as a conquering king, and He spoke again of being lifted up, prophesying what manner of death He would endure. But we were still not listening.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt you, master.”
“By all means.”
“You say Jesus taught everywhere, even in the lair of his enemies.”
“Yes.”
“What is worse, or shall I say, more dangerous? Teaching in the lair of the enemy, or having the enemy in your lair while you are teaching?”
John squinted at the young man. “I need not ask what you are implying. If you believe I am wrong in my exhortation to Ignatius, simply say so.”
“I think you are wrong.”
“Well! And does Ignatius agree?”
“It matters not, rabbi. We will, as we have always done, defer to you and your wisdom.”
“Even if I am wrong.”
“You seldom are, teacher.”
“But a teacher is all I am,” John said. “I am not the Christ. I am not divine. I am far from perfect and certainly not all-knowing.”
“Far be it from me to counsel you, rabbi. But I urge you to consider our views on this.”
John fell silent. Then, “I will. Prayerfully. You know my fear though, do you not?”
“Of course. That Cerinthus would not be content to sit under our teaching. He would be compelled to debate us in front of our own flock.”
“If you two are to sway me on this, you must find a remedy for that possibility. Now, while we are thinking about that, let me proceed and speak of something that has not before been recorded.
“Before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that His hour had come that He should depart from this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end. He took us to an upper room where we enjoyed a meal with Him. And supper being ended, the devil having already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray Him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was going to God, rose from supper and laid aside His garments, took a towel and girded Himself. After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash our feet, and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded.
“When He came to Simon Peter, Peter said, ‘Lord, are You washing my feet?’
“Jesus said, ‘What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.’
“Peter said, ‘You shall never wash my feet!’
“Jesus said, ‘If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me.’
“Simon Peter said, ‘Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head!’
“Jesus said, ‘He who is bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean, but not all of you.’ For He knew who would betray Him.
“So when He had washed our feet, taken His garments, and sat again, He said, ‘Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.’
“I was sitting close to Jesus, my head leaning against His chest after the humbling experience of His washing our feet. I could hear His heart beating when He predicted that one of us would betray Him. Peter motioned to me and mouthed, ‘Ask Him who it is.’
“And so I did. And Jesus whispered, ‘It is he to whom I shall give a piece of bread when I have dipped it.’ No one else heard this, but when Jesus dipped a piece of bread and handed it to Judas, I saw the man’s face cloud over. Jesus looked directly into his eyes and said, ‘What you do, do quickly.’
“Judas rushed out into the night, causing some of the others to wonder aloud where he was going. Someone said they assumed he was purchasing things we would need for the feast or was giving money to the poor, as he was our treasurer.
“So, when Judas had gone, Jesus said, ‘Now the Son of Man is glorified, and God is glorified in Him. If God is glorified in Him, God will also glorify Him in Himself, and glorify Him immediately. Little children, I shall be with you a little while longer. You will seek Me; and as I said to the Jews, ‘Where I am going, you cannot come,’ so now I say to you. A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.’
“Simon Peter said, ‘Lord, where are You going?’
“Jesus said, ‘Where I am going you cannot follow Me now, but you shall follow Me afterward.’
“Peter said, ‘Lord, why can I not follow You now? I will lay down my life for Your sake.’
“Jesus said, ‘Will you lay down your life for My sake? Most assuredly, I say to you, the rooster shall not crow till you have denied Me three times.
“‘Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that wher
e I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.’
“Thomas said, ‘Lord, we do not know where You are going, and how can we know the way?’
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also; and from now on you know Him and have seen Him.’
“Philip said, ‘Lord, show us the Father, and it is sufficient for us.’
“Jesus said, ‘Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father; so how can you say, “Show us the Father”? Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father in Me? The words that I speak to you I do not speak on My own authority; but the Father who dwells in Me does the works. Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father in Me, or else believe Me for the sake of the works themselves.
“‘Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.’
“Oh, Polycarp, it was a sad and melancholy time because we were finally, slowly realizing that He was saying goodbye. He taught of our relationship to Him, of our relationship to one another, and our relationship to the world. And it was clear He was talking about not only us, but about all who believe. He promised His Holy Spirit would comfort us after He was gone.
“Then He told us what was to come, but we did not understand, and further, we did not want to hear it or believe it. He said, ‘A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me, because I go to the Father.’
“We did not understand and whispered to one another that we did not know what He was saying. It was, as usual, as if He had heard us. He said, ‘Are you inquiring among yourselves about what I said…? Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.
“‘And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.
“‘These things I have spoken to you in figurative language; but the time is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figurative language, but I will tell you plainly about the Father. In that day you will ask in My name, and I do not say to you that I shall pray the Father for you; for the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me, and have believed that I came forth from God. I came forth from the Father and have come into the world. Again, I leave the world and go to the Father.’
“Finally we said, ‘See, now You are speaking plainly, and using no figure of speech! Now we are sure that You know all things, and have no need that anyone should question You. By this we believe that You came forth from God.’
“Jesus said, ‘Do you now believe? Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me. These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.’
“He prayed for Himself, then for us, then for all believers. Not long after came all those horrible events others have written so much about: His betrayal, His arrest, His trial, His crucifixion, and His burial.”
John knew he would have to recite these horrible events yet again, adding his perspective to the accounts already written. Though he dreaded calling to mind such heart-wrenching memories, he was comforted to know he would soon finish his account with triumph. And none too soon, as even what was left of his feeble strength was waning.
TWENTY
It pained John to tell of the awful last week of Jesus, but he forced himself to recount the story that had been made so familiar by his colleagues’ writings and his teaching and preaching over the previous six decades. He wept as he told Polycarp that while, yes, Jesus’ prophecy of Peter’s denial came true, “I too was among all the rest who ran away during the worst of it before His crucifixion. Though I knew one of the men on the high court—because my family had done business with his—and thus I could have appeared there without fear, it was only when Jesus was finally forced to carry His cross that I mustered the courage to accompany His mother to Golgotha. Oh, the horror of that day!
“No one can know unless he experienced it himself the depths the soul endures watching One you have loved, admired, learned from, and pledged your life to, now reviled, scorned, and mutilated beyond recognition while being put to death. With my eyes I pleaded with Jesus to forgive me for not standing with Him in the Garden of Gethsemane when they led Him away. Judas had betrayed Him with a kiss. Peter, as if to prove he would never waver, attacked one of the guards—only to falter later and deny our Lord.
“I can’t blame him. I mustn’t judge. We hoped and prayed and could not imagine the worst to come for Someone who proved His power over nature and time and distance. But He had told us and told us that this was necessary. Still, the agony of having to witness it firsthand, to stand there with His mother and see the pain on her face…
“But then my Savior, His precious face bruised and bloated to where it could have been mistaken for that of an animal, wrenched Himself up enough to draw breath. He looked at His mother—who stood there with me, with Mary of Magdala, another Mary, and James’s and my own mother—and said, ‘Woman, behold your son.’
“Well, at first I thought He meant that she should see what her Son had come to. But then He slowly, clearly painfully, turned to look into my eyes. He said, ‘Son, behold your mother.’ Had I not been directly beneath Him and seen His look and heard His inflection, I might have thought He was somehow referring to my own mother. But His intention was clear. He was asking that I take Mary in and be her son in His absence, for His brothers were still not believers. I nodded, resolving to treat her as He would have until the day she died.”
The very telling of the account took John back all those years to every emotion. He sat on his cot and hung his head, speaking softly, knowing Polycarp had to strain to hear. “You can only imagine how devastated we were. All of us. Nothing looked or smelled or tasted or felt the same. It was as if with His death, God had taken our lives too. We stuck together, commiserating, remembering, reminiscing. But we had lost the spark of life. What was the point of going on?
“We didn’t doubt Him. By now we knew who He was. No one would ever be able to shake that conviction. But we had missed all the signs that He would return to us. That was not on one of our minds, as far as I could tell. We wondered how and why God would bestow upon the earth such a gift and then snatch Him away again.
“Wise men since before I was born have said that time is the great healer, but this wound was going to require eons. On the following Sunday my grief was as sharp as it had been when Jesus finally lowered that precious head and breathed His last. I did not know how I would survive it. I could not eat or sleep. Even talking about Him was nearly impossible, for we would tear up and break into sobs.
“I was forcing myself to take a few bites of something Peter had cooked for breakfast that morning of the first day of the week, when Mary Magdalene came running to us. ‘I went to the tomb early,’ she said, gasping, ‘while it was still dark. The stone has been taken away! They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid Him.’
“We were infuriated! Peter said, ‘Roman guards were
assigned! How could grave robbers have gotten past them?’
“I had to see for myself. I sprinted toward the tomb, with Peter lumbering alongside me. I wanted to be the first there, so I ran ahead. When I got to the tomb and saw that Mary of Magdala was right and the stone had indeed been rolled away from the opening, I stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloths lying there. I could not move! Peter went right past me into the tomb. ‘The linen is still here,’ he said. ‘And the handkerchief that had been around His head is folded over there.’ Then I went in also, and I believed. We ran back even faster than we had come, to tell His mother and the other disciples.
“Mary told me that she had followed us and stayed behind, and as she wept she too stooped and looked into the tomb. She saw two angels in white sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and the other at the feet. They said, ‘Woman, why are you weeping?’
“She said, ‘Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him.’ Then she turned around and saw a man standing there. He too said, ‘Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?’
“She told me she assumed He was the gardener and said, ‘Sir, if You have carried Him away, tell me where You have laid Him, and I will take Him away.’
“The Man said, ‘Mary!’ and she knew.
“She turned and said, ‘Rabboni!’ (which is to say, Teacher).
“Jesus told her not to touch Him because He had not yet ascended to His Father but to go to the disciples and tell us He said He was ‘ascending to My Father and your Father, and to My God and your God.’
“That evening we—all but Thomas—met behind closed doors, still fearing the religious leaders, and as you can imagine, excitedly discussing what we had discovered. All of a sudden Jesus appeared in our midst, and said, ‘Peace be with you.’ He showed us His hands and His side where He had been pierced. I am at a loss to describe our joy. It was as if we were dreaming, but we knew we were not.
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