by Andrew Grey
“I thought I’d give you some time to cool off and think,” Jeffrey said.
“About what?” Kip asked. “Quitting my job so my life fits your schedule?”
Jos got out of the car and helped Isaac.
Jeffrey’s expression turned icy. “I see you found someone else.” Jeffrey stepped closer. “I see you like them young…. Jailbait, even.” He glared at Jos.
“That’s enough. Jos is a friend who needs a little help, so he and Isaac are staying with me.”
“How close is he staying?” Jeffrey sneered.
“Remember, you were the one who picked a fight and then left. Now you’re back and acting pissy. Well, you have no reason to. You were the one who wasn’t happy, and yet here you are. But nothing has changed. I still work odd hours, and I won’t be able to be available all the time. That’s what you wanted.” Jeffrey showing up was the last thing he’d have expected.
Jeffrey looked at Jos and then steered Kip away from the car and down the sidewalk. “I had a chance to think about things, and I realized I wasn’t being fair. I came into town, and I expected you to change everything because I was here. That wasn’t right. We have a lot in common, and we’ve had some special times together, so I was thinking I would try to get a job here again, and then we could be together.” Jeffrey smiled his million-watt smile, the one Kip had come to know as the deal-maker.
“That’s nice, but get a job here for you, not for me. I don’t want you to change your life because of me. I wouldn’t for you,” Kip said, staring clear-eyed at Jeffrey, whose lips curled upward in what Kip thought was a smile, but which quickly darkened into a sneer and then a grimace. “I’m not quitting my job, and I can’t ask you to do the same.”
“Damn you, Kip. I came all this way back because I thought we had something, that you cared.”
“I do.”
“But not enough. Is that it?” Jeffrey asked, his voice getting louder.
“Enough for what? To stop living my life so you can be happy? That’s what you want, isn’t it? You want me to stop what I love, stop being a police officer and find some other work that will mean that I’ll be home when you want me.” Kip caught himself before he began to yell. “I won’t do that. I am a police officer—it’s an important part of my life, and I’m not going to give that up. I told you that before, and nothing has changed. I can’t give up what I love.”
“I thought you loved me,” Jeffrey said.
Kip glanced back to where Jos and Isaac stood by the car, little Isaac holding the stuffed horse Kip had bought for him, Jos biting his lower lip nervously.
“Are you paying attention to what I’m saying?” Jeffrey said. “I thought you loved me!” He took a step back. “But I guess you didn’t love me enough.”
“For what? To give up my life and myself for you? Love means building a life together based around what both people want. It isn’t about putting your wants ahead of others, but about figuring out what’s best for both. You were never interested in that. After you graduated from Dickinson, all you wanted was for me to bend to what you wanted. I tried doing that for a while, and it didn’t work.” Kip tried to explain as best he could, but he wasn’t sure if his meaning was coming across. It was apparent from Jeffrey’s expression that he either wasn’t listening or didn’t care enough to actually give any thought to Kip’s feelings.
“So now I’m the selfish one. I drove hours the other day to see you, and I thought you’d trade shifts or whatever, so we could have some time together. But you didn’t. We had a fight. So what? People fight sometimes. They don’t move on in a few days and decide to play house.” Jeffrey motioned toward Jos and Isaac.
Up until then, Kip had been fine letting Jeffrey rant on, but that got under his skin. “They’re friends, and that’s enough!” he snapped. He saw Isaac flinch and grip his horse tighter. “You don’t have any right to tell me how to live my life, any more than I do yours. You live in Pittsburgh, three hours away, and we were friends first and became something more, but you know as well as I do that all this drama is just that—as false as anything on the stage. It isn’t backed by any deep feeling for me. You got your ego bruised, and you came back to see if you could soothe it and get a little satisfaction.”
“Now you think you’re Freud,” Jeffrey said sarcastically. “Don’t try to analyze me—you hardly have the brain power for it.”
“That’s enough, Jeffrey. Now please get back in your car and go. This conversation is over.”
“Or what?” Jeffrey stepped even closer. “What are you going to do? Call the police?” He grinned. “I bet your friends would like to hear about the big bad cop having to call for reinforcements.”
“You’re making a fool of yourself,” Kip said, not rising to Jeffrey’s bait. That was how he worked. It had taken a while before Kip realized that when Jeffrey was losing he always tried to turn his opponent’s strength into a weakness somehow.
“Am I?”
“Yes. You certainly are. I’m sorry you drove all this way, but you should have called first. We could have talked on the phone and saved you a trip.” Kip pointed to the car and waited. “You might as well go. You aren’t going to get me to back down, and throwing a hissy fit isn’t going to help either.” Kip stood firm, staring Jeffrey down until he turned and took the first steps toward his car.
“You’re going to be sorry.”
“Oh, please. I know I’m not, and you sound like a bad movie.” He watched as Jeffrey finally got in his car and zoomed out of his parking spot, leaving a trail of black behind him. Kip thought about calling the department and having them track and stop him for his driving, but he wanted him gone as quickly as possible.
“Maybe we should go somewhere else,” Jos said. “I don’t want to come between you and your boyfriend.”
Kip shook his head. “He isn’t my boyfriend, and he never was. He was…. I don’t know what he was.” He walked back to where Isaac and Jos stood next to the car. “Why don’t we go inside.”
“That man yelled,” Isaac said. “He was mean and it made his face all scrunchy.” Isaac tried to imitate Jeffrey, and Kip laughed because he did a good job.
“Yes, he was a scrunchy-face. But he’s gone now, probably for good.”
“Are you sorry he’s gone?” Jos asked, and Kip shook his head. Jos turned away. “Is it always that easy for you to let people go?”
“No,” Kip said. “But it was easy to let Jeffrey go. He and I had a thing. But it was a long-distance, mostly physical thing and little more.”
“But he said…,” Jos began.
“Jeffrey will say just about anything to get his own way. You saw the car he drives. It costs more than I make in two years. It was a gift from his father, as was much of what Jeffrey has. He’s used to being given what he wants, and I wasn’t going to be one of those gifts.” Kip didn’t want to go into this in front of Isaac. “So what are you going to name your horse?” Kip asked Isaac to change the subject.
“Um….” Isaac put his finger in his mouth. “Ice Cream.”
“Is that really what you want to name him? Because you can name him anything you want.”
“Then Spist…. That ice cream you had.”
“Pistachio,” Kip said.
“Yeah. That’s his name. Spistachio,” Isaac said, hugging the horse tight. “Can I play?”
“Sure,” Jos said.
“Why don’t you play with Pistachio on the porch? That way he won’t get too dirty,” Kip suggested. “I can get some lemonade, and we can all sit outside for a while.” Fresh air would definitely do him good. He led the way, and Isaac went right to one of the wicker lounges, declaring it a corral for “Spistachio.” Jos sat rigidly in one of the chairs while Kip went inside. He made up some frozen lemonade and brought a pitcher and cups on a tray out to the porch.
“This is probably going to be one of the last truly nice days of the year,” Kip said. “Around here it’s like someone flips a switch and spring is here, a
nd then the switch gets flipped again in the fall and winter is upon us.”
“I know,” Jos said and sat back in his chair, cradling the cup in both hands. He drank every now and then, watched Isaac, and said nothing at all. Kip watched Isaac play for a while, but his gaze kept traveling back to Jos. He was chewing on something. Kip could almost see the wheels in his mind turning something over and over again. He’d sat quietly with people and been perfectly comfortable. This was not one of those times. It seemed like the pressure inside Jos was building by the second.
“What is it?” Kip eventually asked.
“I keep thinking we should go,” Jos replied.
Kip sighed. “Where are you going to go? To a shelter? Back on the streets?” It wasn’t as though he had a lot of options, but Kip stopped because Jos looked as though he’d hit him. “Dammit, I didn’t mean it like that. If I think you need to leave, then I’ll tell you. Jeffrey and I were done before I met you, and you didn’t break anything up or ruin a relationship, because the one we had was over. He didn’t want to accept it. Nothing more. So don’t worry.”
“But what—”
“Are you scared?” Kip asked. “You look like a rabbit ready to run.”
“I’m always scared. I have been for weeks. Mom died and suddenly I’m a parent to a four-year-old. That threw me for a loop, but just as I was getting things under control, everything fell apart with the job and the apartment. Not that I was going to be able to stay in the apartment for very long unless I got a job, but I even had day care for Isaac because they had a small center at work. Since then I’ve been moving from shelter to shelter. I don’t know where our next meal is coming from, I have people telling me that Isaac would be better off with strangers in foster care, and finally you come along and I don’t know what the hell to think, because you and Donald are the first people who’ve really tried to help me other than filling a plate and telling me to move along.”
“That was a mouthful.”
“I guess, but I can’t help thinking that your help is only going to last so long, and then I’ll be right back where I was.”
“But you won’t. If Donald can help Isaac get survivor benefits, then you’ll have some support coming in until he’s eighteen. It won’t be a huge amount, but it will be guaranteed money. Donald’s contacts will also try to find you a place to live with a reputable landlord.”
“It’s hard to let someone do things for me when….” Jos paused and swallowed. Kip watched his delicate throat work and knew he should not be watching Jos that closely. Of course it didn’t help that sometimes he was sure he saw Jos watching him.
“It can be hard to trust people,” Kip continued. “It’s easier to rely on yourself, but you can’t do it all, and getting your life back on track is going to require more than you can do alone. And your primary focus needs to be on Isaac.”
“But….”
“I’m not going to hurt you, and neither is Donald. Think of it this way: trusting us doesn’t have a cost. You can leave if you want, and if what Donald and I are trying to do doesn’t work, you’re no worse off. But you could be much better off, with a home and support for Isaac. You only have to let us help.”
Jos took a drink, the ice cubes rattling in the cup, then said, “But why would you want to? Why would you go to all this trouble for me… us? We’re not your family, and you don’t know us at all.”
“We know you,” Kip said. “Both Donald and I see people who need help each and every day. Sometimes they’re victims of crime and sometimes just victims of the cruelty of life. All of us try to help. It’s why Donald went into social work and why I became a police officer. Sometime I’ll tell you how Alex came to live with them. It’ll break your heart. I barely knew either Carter or Donald back then, but what they did for Alex opened my eyes, and we became friends.”
“So why are you helping us?”
Kip didn’t answer right away.
“Really, why?”
“Okay. A year ago I got this call. It was for a domestic disturbance. Turned out we found a woman nearly dead, and she died later. We took the guy into custody. He was a real piece of work, and he made his money having children do what no child should ever have to do.” Kip took a few breaths to clear his head and keep focused on the story. Even though he was a cop, there were some things that got to him like nothing else.
“I was on the call with Carter. He’s a computer geek, but he followed his nose through the house. He found toys, but no kid. I thought he was crazy, but he went up in the attic, and that was where he found Alex. He was Isaac’s age, and that little boy had been through hell. He was messed up, but Carter took care of him. I thought he was crazy to get involved. Let social services do their thing—that way he could stay out of it.”
“But he didn’t?”
“No. From what he told me later, he goaded Donald into taking Alex. To make a long story short, they fell in love with each other while taking care of Alex. He was their matchmaker.”
“Is that what you expect now? That Isaac is going to bring you and me together somehow? That you’re going to find love because of him?” Jos asked skeptically.
“No, that’s not what I expect. But I realized that if it had been up to me, I probably would have left that house without checking the attic, and little Alex would have stayed up there alone. Hell, he could have died. That was a real eye-opener, and I told myself that if it ever happened again, I’d step in and do what I could to help. So that’s what I’ve tried to do. I should have done it when I first encountered you, but by some miracle, I got a second chance, and thank God I got there in time.” Kip sighed. He’d been so damn close to making the same mistake twice. “Sometimes being a police officer and trying to help people isn’t enough. There are times when you just have to do something.” He sat back. “So I’m doing something.”
“And what do you expect to get for it?” Jos asked with a harsh tone.
Isaac took that moment to laugh and pick up Pistachio from his “corral” and start galloping around the porch, making horse noises. Kip followed him with his eyes and smiled.
“Isn’t that more than enough?” Kip asked, and Jos nodded with tears in his eyes. “He’s happy, and that smile of his….”
“I know,” Jos said. “I’ve tried to make him happy and never seem to be able to. Everything I touch turns to crap, and now he’s the one who’s paying the price.”
“You’re both paying for things that are beyond your control, and you’re not alone. Do you know how many people are a paycheck or two away from going through what you did? A huge number. You were the one who everything seemed to conspire against. But part of that is because you didn’t know there was help available. There should have been a social worker who helped you when you got custody of Isaac. They should have helped you sign up for survivor benefits and explained what your options were and how they could help. Instead, you were left on your own.”
“But if I’d been prepared…,” Jos said. He got up, lifting Isaac into his arms, then sat down with Isaac in his lap.
“Who’s ever prepared for parenthood?” Kip asked. “People usually have nine months, but new parents are almost always overwhelmed at some point. You were trying to make a life for yourself and now you’re doing it for two. That adds more challenges. So don’t blame yourself, and concentrate on making the best life you can.”
Jos nodded.
“Have you thought about trying to get a new job?”
“Yeah. But….”
“I’m not saying right now, but think about what you want to do. I mean really want to do. I bet Donald could help you get into school. There are lots of programs and help available. You just need to think about what you want.”
“To feed myself, have a house that’s mine, and to know that Isaac is safe, fed, and healthy. That’s all I really want. Everything else is immaterial,” Jos answered. “I can’t think beyond that right now. He has to come first.”
“I know—”
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br /> “No, you don’t,” Jos interrupted. “I know you’re trying to think longer term, but it’s the here and now that’s the problem. Hopes for the future come after we have enough food.” Isaac squirmed, and Jos let him slide off his lap. He ran back to his stuffed horse and began playing again, talking up a storm, telling “Spistachio” everything.
“I used to have dreams. Big dreams. I wanted to be an engineer, the train kind, and then a doctor. I even wanted to be a policeman for a while. Even when I was working at the warehouse, I used to work hard and did my job the best I could in hopes I’d get noticed and promoted. On the streets, everything is immediate. How do I stay out of the rain? Get enough to eat, make sure I don’t get robbed, or hurt… maybe worse.”
“I was only trying to help,” Kip said. “If you aren’t willing to look further, then nothing ever changes.”
“But I can’t think about what I want to do in five years when Isaac doesn’t have enough to eat now. That’s all I think about. He’s fed and happy, which is a relief, so now I’m wondering how I can get him his next meal and make sure he’s safe and not going to get sick. That’s all I think about, and I know you’re going to say that we’re going to have dinner here, but what about in a few days or a week? We could be right back out there on the street again.” Jos’s voice got louder and his eyes wider. He sat back in the chair, gulping for air, on the verge of having a panic attack. Kip jumped to his feet, took the cup and set it aside, then pulled Jos’s arms up over his head to stretch his chest and help him fill his lungs.
“It’s going to be okay.”
Isaac ran over and put Pistachio onto Jos’s lap. “I’m okay,” Jos said, and Kip released his arms. Jos took Pistachio into his arms and hugged him tight.
Isaac whimpered, and Kip lifted him onto his lap. “Jos is a little upset, but not at you. Go on and play for a while. We’ll be right here.”
Isaac turned to Jos. He clearly wasn’t buying it. Jos forced a smile and handed Pistachio back to Isaac. “Go on and play,” he whispered. “I’m fine.” Isaac took his horse, and Kip set him down once again.