by Naomi Ragen
“They are kidnapped and brought to Haredi psychiatrists who give them drugs or commit them to mental institutions if they don’t do what their parents want.”
“Sounds pretty much like a made-up horror story to me!” Rose protested, skeptical.
“No, Aunt Rose. It’s true! If you don’t do what they want, then you must be crazy. They have a system to deal with girls like me.”
“Rivka, you are letting your imagination run away with you! Listen, honey, I know you’re scared, but you have to remember that this is your tateh and your mameh…”
Rivka lifted her head, stricken.
“… Who’ve loved you all their lives and wanted what they thought was best for you. They deserve at least to speak with you, to know what you are going through.”
“But Aunt Rose, you never came back! You never spoke to your parents! So why are you forcing me?”
I deserve that, Rose thought, chastened. “No, I never did. And for the rest of my life, I will regret it. My parents deserved a chance to talk to me.”
Rivka listened, stricken. “But you must promise me you won’t leave me alone with them! That you’ll be by my side the whole time!”
“I promise.”
“Well, then, if you think it’s for the best.”
“I do. Now, I don’t want you to worry anymore.” She lifted the tray, which had hardly been touched. “I’m going to bring you dinner. Anything you like, but you have to try to eat. What would you like?”
“A pizza and a Diet Coke?”
“Sure. But make it a regular Coke, okay?”
Rivka smiled. “Aunt Rose?”
“Hmm?”
“You’re a tzadakis. And you’re all I have in the world,” Rivka said, kissing Rose’s hands.
Rose felt her heart flutter at the touch of the girl’s soft lips. She looked so much like Pearl.
Later that evening, when she was sure Rivka was fast asleep, she picked up the phone. “Hannah, do you have a moment? There is something we need to discuss.”
And so Rivka’s journey begins, Hannah thought, listening in shock and amazement to her mother’s revelations, marveling at the strange parallels between her young cousin’s life and that of her own mother. It was almost eerie.
34
They were sitting at Faye’s Café at NYU. It was noisy and crowded, but the only place Simon had agreed to meet them. This time, Hannah thought, he really does want witnesses.
“I’m not sure what I’m doing at this meeting, Mom. It’s very uncomfortable for me, to say the least. Why didn’t you just bring Rivka?”
“Because she isn’t strong enough to face this herself, Hannah. But it has to be done, because we are meeting with her parents tomorrow, and I have to know for sure what kinds of options are open to her.”
“You don’t need a meeting for that. Where Simon the Sleaze is concerned, there is no option. Believe me, it’s a blessing. To be married to him would be much worse.”
“But I thought you liked him. Weren’t the two of you even dating?”
Hannah winced. “Let’s not get into that, shall we? I told you, I don’t want to be involved in any part of this.”
“Well, it’s not that easy, young lady. You did, after all, introduce the two of them…”
“Now, wait one friggin’ second, Mom! I was having a party and she showed up uninvited and moved in, which I allowed out of the goodness of my heart! I was not playing matchmaker! In fact, I had no idea they even knew each other. Simon called her behind my back the very next day, and Rivka met with him, also behind my back, without saying a single word to me about it.”
“Yes, I know. And if it helps, Rivka is extremely sorry about it. She didn’t know you two were dating. She left him as soon as she found out.”
“So she says…” Hannah replied skeptically. “I cannot for the life of me understand why you, Mom, are taking her side! After everything you said to me! And now you are up to your eyeballs in this mess.”
“You sent her to my house, remember?”
“And I thought if anyone would know how to get rid of her, it would be you.”
“Well, surprise. Blood is thicker than water, and I, apparently, was some kind of role model for this misguided and unfortunate kid.”
Hannah shifted uncomfortably. “It’s so weird.”
“Okay, weird, maybe. But you know what? I’m surprised to find that I really like her. She’s smart, and she has guts and a good heart, although she’s very naive, and she’s made appalling choices. We have actually had fun together. I took her along with me on photo shoots. She was very helpful. And so eager to learn.”
Hannah felt a sharp stab of jealousy pierce her heart. “Oh, so now you’ve got the daughter you’ve always wanted!”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“I swear, she’s got a talent for doing whatever she wants, then finding people to help her out of it by making them think they have some responsibility for her actions. Well, I’m not buying in. She’s made her bed with no help from any of us.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Rose murmured, watching a tall young man with long dark hair weave his way between the tables toward them.
“Sorry, I’m late…”
“Simon, meet my mother, Rose Weiss Gordon, Rivka’s aunt.”
“The famous photographer.” He smiled.
Hannah glared at him. So, he’d known all along! Was that what their whole relationship had been about, then?
“Thank you for coming,” Rose began politely.
“Oh, Mom, please! Spare us! You got her pregnant, you bastard!”
He slumped, astonishment taking root in his eyes, which before had merely been wary.
“Really, Hannah,” Rose protested. Then, she sighed. Perhaps it was just as well to put all the cards on the table at once. “Young man, now that you know the story, what are your plans?” Rose demanded.
He exhaled, feeling panic-stricken and flattened. He had expected some unpleasantness, but leavened with civilized niceties, a little small talk. He was good at small talk.
“Mrs. Gordon, I don’t know what to say. I’m in shock! What is it Rivka wants of me?”
“That’s not important right now, is it? She’s in no position to make any demands on you. She’s terrified and confused and heartbroken, and this close to being suicidal…”
Hannah gave her mother a sharp glance. Rose inclined her head slightly, raising an eyebrow. Okay, an exaggeration, Hannah surmised, leaning back.
He slumped, raising both hands helplessly. “What can I do?”
“Well, for one thing, how about offering her some financial support?”
“As you know, Hannah, I’m just a student. I don’t have any money…”
“You have a very nice car and well-off parents…”
He suddenly sat up. “I don’t want my parents involved in any of this!” Now it was his turn to be demanding. “If you contact them, I’ll deny everything. And they’ll believe me.”
“Until the DNA results come back,” Hannah pointed out.
“I’ll take my chances with that,” he replied, suddenly belligerent. “You might be surprised at the results.”
Rose stared at him. Rivka had been wandering around by herself for quite some time. It wasn’t impossible. “Why don’t we all just calm down? I have no reason to involve your parents at this stage,” Rose said. “What I wanted to know from you, Simon, is, do you have any feelings for my niece at all?”
The question took him by surprise. He hesitated. “Sure, she was sweet…”
“And innocent…” Hannah threw in.
“That’s not what I asked.” Rose shook her head. “Do you love her?”
“Oh, Mom, please.” Hannah rolled her eyes.
“Hannah, be quiet! Answer the question, Simon.”
“I’m not sure what that word means,” he said.
“How convenient! It means caring for someone more than you care about yourself. You know that possibility
exists, don’t you, Simon?”
“Please, Hannah!” Rose begged.
“Even if I did love her, I don’t think Rivka really wants me. It wouldn’t work out anyway. We’re just too different.”
“Okay. That’s the first thing I had to make sure of. Secondly, do you want anything to do with this child?”
“If it’s mine, you mean…”
Hannah clenched her fists.
“Yes, of course,” Rose continued, annoyed but keeping her voice businesslike.
“I think … in the long run … this was all just a big mistake. I wouldn’t want to be a child born into such a mess.”
“So, you think she should abort?”
He nodded. “For everyone’s sake, especially Rivka’s.”
“Right, it’s her you’re worried about.” Hannah slammed her fist down. The table shook.
“Hannah, dear, maybe you should just go? I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”
“Too late, Mom, I’m not going anywhere. I want to see how this plays out.”
“And in the case she decides to go forward with the pregnancy, do you want to be part of their lives?”
“Well…”
“Just tell the truth, Simon. That’s all I came here to hear. I’m not judging you,” Rose murmured quietly, trying to diffuse the tension and reach the bottom line.
“Well, no, I don’t. I’ll have a family of my own one day, one I choose to have. This was just an accident. It’s foolish for me to pretend otherwise.”
“So, you will sign away custody if she gives the child up for adoption?”
“No problem.”
“Don’t you even want to see it, your own child?” Hannah interjected, appalled.
“Look, if you don’t have any more questions, I’ve got classes…” He got up, avoiding Hannah’s eyes.
“Sit down one more minute, young man. I’m not finished,” Rose said firmly.
He sat down.
“Did you force her to have sex with you?”
He shook his head emphatically. “No.”
“Did you threaten to throw her out on the street if she didn’t go to bed with you?”
“She would say that! Look, she took me all the way out to Far Rockaway so she could dunk in some ritual bath where no one would know her, and then, when we get home, she suddenly has no interest in me at all! I admit I was ticked, and maybe a little drunk, too. But I didn’t rape her! I just didn’t want her wandering around in the dark!”
“So, you brought her back. And she came back to you because it was dark and cold and she had no place else to go…” Rose said softly, as if to herself.
“It didn’t happen like that! She wanted me, and I wanted her, at least then…”
Hannah picked up her coffee cup, flinging the dregs into his face. He jumped up, choking.
“I’m sorry.” Rose handed him a napkin. “Temper, temper, Hannah.”
“We’re done!” he sputtered.
“Almost, Simon. One more thing. Right at the beginning, why didn’t Rivka tell Hannah she was meeting with you? Why didn’t you?”
He was furious, wiping off his leather jacket, which now had a permanent stain. “I’m not a mind reader. Hannah wasn’t her mother. She’d run away from her mother.”
“And that’s what you told her, right?” Hannah asked with sudden insight.
“I hope so! Can I go now?”
“Yes, but we are meeting with Rivka’s parents tomorrow. I can’t promise you that you won’t be hearing from them.”
He groaned, then turned and walked away.
Hannah sat there. For a few moments, she didn’t move.
35
On the morning of the meeting scheduled between Rivka and her parents, Rose awoke when it was still dark. She turned on the light, looking at her watch. It was just after 5:00 A.M. Throwing off her covers, she walked into the living room. To her surprise, Rivka was sitting on the couch, already fully dressed.
“How long have you been up? Our meeting isn’t until eleven, you know.”
“Good morning, Aunt Rose. I didn’t sleep at all. I finally decided I might as well get up and get dressed.”
Rose looked her over. She was wearing one of her new outfits, a blue corduroy skirt that skimmed her knees and a colorful T-shirt that proclaimed: BORN TO BE FREE. And she had worried the kid might be intimidated!
“Well, you look ready for war.”
“You know, Aunt, there aren’t going to be any surprises at this meeting.”
“Would you care to expand on that? Or, as you like to put it: Vus is dus?”
“My parents will beg me to come back, but only on their terms. They’ll even let me keep the baby, but only if I agree to get married to some old widower who will promise them to keep me in line the rest of my life.” She shook her head. “I’m not going to agree to any of that.”
She might be young, but she was no dummy, Rose thought. “So, you think it’s a waste of time to speak to them?”
She shook her head. “I didn’t say that. They are my parents. I love them. And they tried, in their own way, to be good to me.”
“That’s very mature of you, Rivka. I must admit that when I was in the middle of my war of rebellion, I hated them all.”
“Really? Hated?” Her eyes looked surprised and envious, as if she had never given herself permission to even imagine such a thing.
“Well, maybe that’s too strong a word. But I didn’t feel I owed them anything. I thought they were bent on ruining my life.”
“They don’t know anything else. It’s all about power and honor. My needs will always come last.” She shrugged. “That’s their problem, not mine. I’m not afraid to stand up for myself anymore.”
Rose looked her over. It was true. She wasn’t that trembling, weeping child of two weeks before, crumpling at the thought of facing the music. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? she wondered. Courage or shamelessness? “Then what?”
“I still don’t know what it is I do want, only what I don’t want. And I don’t want this baby.”
There, it was out in the open. And it wasn’t pretty, Rose had to admit. She felt breathless. “Rivka, there is something I’ve been wanting to ask you, something I need to know.”
The girl looked suddenly wary.
“How long have you known you were pregnant?”
“When I left Simon’s, something wasn’t right with me. He actually made me a doctor’s appointment. It wasn’t for sure—my periods, they never come on the same day, and sometimes they skip a month, two months. It’s always been like that with me. The morning I left Simon’s, I was on my way to my doctor’s appointment. But just as I was leaving, I found this box of chocolates. It had a card, which said: ‘To Hannah, the most special girl in the world. Love, Simon.’ He left it right in the living room, like he wanted me to find it! I was … just … so … farmisht.” Her eyes misted.
“I can just imagine…” Rose murmured. “Go on.”
“So, then I had to leave, you understand? And once I knew Simon didn’t love me, I couldn’t let myself be pregnant. So I talked myself out of it.”
Rose felt her knees go weak. She was such a child! Such a child! “Rivka, I also got pregnant when I wasn’t married.”
Rivka slumped into a chair, astonished. “Really?”
Rose nodded. “And I kept the baby, and married the father.”
“Hannah’s father?”
“No, my son’s father.”
“You loved him?”
She hesitated. “He was a good man. But no, I can’t say I ever really fell in love. We met in Central Park walking our dogs. I was very, very lonely. We divorced when our son was four.”
“So, Hannah has a different father?”
Rose nodded.
“And were you in love with him?”
“With all my heart.”
“Then what happened?”
“He was killed when Hannah was ten. He was a war photographer working for News
week. He was trying to talk soldiers out of shooting up a school bus in Kosovo.” Finally, he had just not been able to stand back and watch.
“Oh, Aunt Rose!”
“Yes, yes, well…”
She didn’t like to talk about it, her life’s greatest tragedy. With Henry, she had finally found a true home, which she had learned was not a place but a feeling. Wherever he was, that was where she lived, really lived. She had expected to see his dark curls turn gray, his face turn wrinkled and leathery from the sun … They would be like those handsome old couples walking hand in hand you sometimes saw, the kind who travel the world loving every minute of it as they turn seventy and eighty … That was the plan.
Their marriage had coincided with the most successful and productive time in both their careers. They’d spent so much time apart, always making a list of things they would do together when they both finally retired.
And now she would have to do them alone.
She couldn’t bear to think about it. Experiencing such a passionate love had been the greatest gift, and also the greatest risk she had ever taken. She couldn’t imagine ever having the courage to risk that again.
“I don’t think I could ever marry a man I didn’t love.” Rivka shook her head. “It would feel too much like what I ran away from. What’s the point of trading one lifestyle for another if the bottom line is losing your freedom either way?”
“Rivka, this idea you have of freedom…”
“Yes?”
“What does freedom mean to you?”
She was silent for a few moments, surprised by the question. “It means doing what I want.”
“But you do know that with freedom comes responsibility? You can do anything you want, but that doesn’t mean you can avoid the consequences. And everything a person does has consequences, wherever you live and whatever you believe in.”
Rivka blinked. “Aunt Rose, are you trying to talk me into getting married? Into having this baby?” Her voice rose in alarm bordering on hysteria.
“Is that what it sounded like to you, Rivka?”
“Yes,” she said, her face closed and sullen, like a spoiled child’s.
Uh-oh, Rose thought. What have we here? “Do you think there are no consequences?”
“How you say it, it sounds like you’re yelling at me, just like my parents! No one can make me do anything I don’t want to do! Not you, and not them!”