He nodded. ‘But it doesn’t make it any easier.’ He had to be sure of her. ‘Please, Alice, you won’t tell them, will you?’
It took a moment for her to answer; a long, agonising moment for Mike, but then she put his mind at rest. ‘No. From the way you described it, the dream was harmless enough.’ Eyeing him intently, she asked, ‘You are telling me the truth, aren’t you?’
Without hesitation, he answered, ‘You know I am.’ Thank God she couldn’t read his mind.
Satisfied, she stood back, her soft blue eyes looking down on him, admiring. ‘Is there anything you need?’
‘No.’ What he needed was to be alone; to get his head together before facing the inquisition. ‘I’m really tired though.’ His handsome face crinkled into an easy smile. ‘If I’m to look my best for the interview, I’d best get my beauty sleep.’
Tucking the covers round him, she chuckled, ‘I’ve never heard it called an interview before.’
‘Interrogation then.’ When he smiled into her eyes, he turned her heart over.
‘Don’t be silly. All they want to know is that you’re able to cope.’
Unwisely, he let resentment get the better of him. ‘I was always able to cope.’
She stared at him. ‘It wouldn’t do to lose your temper in there tomorrow.’
He didn’t answer. Anger flooded through him. The bastards had kept him here long enough.
‘See you in the morning then.’
‘Alice?’
She turned. ‘Yes?’
‘Thank you.’
Her answer was a half-smile. But it told him what he needed to know. He could sleep easier – for now at least.
In the morning, as he was escorted to the outer office, Mike could hardly recall the dream. All he knew was that it took him back to a place he didn’t want to go.
‘Nurse Henshaw will be along directly.’ Matron was in a hurry as always. ‘No doubt she will take you straight in. Meanwhile, make yourself comfortable.’
With that she smartly departed, leaving the door wide open.
Across the hall, a leather-faced nurse glared at him. ‘Old battleaxe!’ he muttered under his breath. When she stared all the harder, he nodded and gave her his slow, easy smile, confusing her.
When she turned away, the smile slipped and he was flooded with resentment. Why leave the bloody door open? he thought. What the hell was he, a peep show?
He was tempted to close the door and shut her out, but that would be seen as a defiant act. For the moment, he could not afford such luxuries.
There was a second door to his right. He assumed it led into the other office where they were waiting to see him, and it made him nervous. He sat a while, then he began to pace, not anxiously but steadily, calmly. He didn’t want to seem agitated. The room struck cold. Folding his arms over his chest, he shuddered. ‘Please, God, let this be the day they say I’m fit to go home to my family.’
After the agonies he had put his wife and children through, there were moments when he wondered if they really wanted him back and he would torture himself with doubts. Why should they want him back? And if they did, was it out of loyalty, or love? Had they put it all behind them, or were they still afraid of the happenings that had brought him here? More importantly, could he and Kerry enjoy the same wonderful relationship as before? Ten years and two children; it had been so good. What now? Was it too late? Three lonely years. It was a long time to be apart.
The all too brief times when Kerry had come to visit him, was it because she wanted to see him? Or did she consider it her duty? ‘Duty’ was an ugly word. He didn’t want that from her, from his sweet, lovely Kerry, with her dark, bobbed hair and mischievous brown eyes. He had loved her from the first moment he set eyes on her, and he loved her still, though maybe not in the same fiercely jealous way. But then he was that much older. They both were. Here he was, forty-one, and Kerry, what? Thirty-five?
Things changed, that was inevitable. Kerry was not the same, and neither was he. They had both been to hell and back, and now they had the chance to make a new beginning. He was determined to make it all up to her. The children too. He had missed what no father should ever miss; the ‘formative years’, isn’t that what they called it? He smiled, a sad smile.
Sometimes, late at night or in the waking hours, he would wonder about that night, until he thought he might really go crazy. Then he would think of Kerry and Jack and Susie, and somehow, through all the nightmares and memories, he was able to hold on to reality.
He had always comforted himself with the knowledge that none of this was his fault. Kerry knew that, and understood. Susie and Jack were young and resilient. They would adjust. Children had a way of doing that. Look how they had coped since he was shut away.
But what about Jack? He had seen it all, and yet he had denied it – like Peter denying the Lord three times. At first he had hated the boy for letting him down, but after a while he had reasoned that maybe Jack didn’t recall the exact way it was. Maybe he really didn’t see what happened to that young couple. After all, he was only a boy; he was hurt and frightened. And yet it was Jack who had pointed out the young couple. It was Jack who had screamed with terror when he saw the sky open up and take them.
Mike let his gaze rove the room; so many times before he had been brought here filled with hope, only to have it dashed. ‘Too early, Mr Peterson,’ they said. ‘We don’t believe you’re ready to leave just yet.’
Bastards! What did they know?
He stood in front of the window and anger flooded his senses; other feelings too, feelings that frightened him. The mood was fleeting, but while it lasted it was very powerful. It was always the same: a feeling of being watched – manipulated.
‘Mr Peterson.’
He didn’t hear. The feelings overwhelmed him; like a dark premonition.
Alice remained by the door, not certain whether she should disturb his last few quiet moments here. She recalled the night when he was brought to this place; a broken man, disorientated and terrified by the demons that haunted him. But that was three years ago. A lifetime in a place like this.
The mood passed. He sensed her there and was safe.
His voice was warm and calm as he asked, ‘Is it time?’ Keeping his back to her, he stared through the window. Out there was freedom. He could almost taste it.
‘You have a few minutes yet,’ she told him kindly. ‘Are you ready to face them?’
He turned, half smiling, and nodded. ‘I think so.’
‘Not worried then?’
‘Should I be?’
‘No.’
‘Then I’m not. Coffee would be nice,’ he added. ‘If you’re making.’
She smiled. ‘Why do you always say that?’
‘What?’
‘If you’re making. You know I never drink the stuff.’
‘I know.’
‘I make a mean cup of tea though, and there’s a new packet of chocolate biscuits in the cupboard. I think Nurse Jenkins must have brought them in. She won’t begrudge us a couple, I’m sure.’
‘No tea, thanks all the same. Coffee and biscuits.’ He was smiling. Alice had been a good friend; though at times, like now, she could be a pain in the arse. He knew she had feelings for him, and the knowledge was a burden.
Sighing, she conceded. ‘Strong and black, three sugars. Coming right up.’ With that she thoughtfully closed the door and was gone, her narrow heels clattering as she hurried across the tiled hall floor. ‘I’ll miss you, Mike Peterson,’ she mumbled. ‘More than you can imagine.’
They had been nurse and patient, and friends, too. But, given half a chance, she would have been much more than that. The truth was, she had fallen for him the first day he was admitted. ‘I should be glad for you,’ she muttered. ‘You have a loving family and you deserve a life outside these walls.’
All the same, her days would not be the same without his warm, stirring smile to greet her.
Alice had made the coffee a
nd was about to put the biscuits on the plate when in came Nurse Jenkins. ‘That’ll cost you, you thieving bugger!’
Sally Jenkins had been here for years; bright and cheerful, she had a round, pink face atop a pear-shaped body, and thick, capable hands the size of shovels. ‘I wondered who’d been pinching my biscuits,’ she teased. ‘I could have sworn it was Matron.’
‘You don’t mind, do you?’ Alice felt guilty.
‘Don’t talk so bloody daft!’ All the same, Sally grabbed up the opened packet and rammed it into her pocket. ‘You can buy the next lot.’ Gesturing to the tray, she asked, ‘Who’s that for?’
‘Mike Peterson. He’s waiting to see Dr Carlton.’
‘Do you think they’ll let him loose?’
Alice shrugged. ‘Who knows?’
Sally took a moment to study her colleague; she saw a pretty young thing, with long fair hair tied in the nape of her neck, and soft, blue eyes that could melt a man’s heart. ‘I expect you’ve had it off with him a few times, you randy bugger.’
Shocked, Alice rounded on her. ‘What the devil are you talking about?’
Sally’s smile said it all. ‘I know how you feel about him.’
Alice blushed, turned away, then in a small voice confessed, ‘I didn’t know it showed.’
‘Don’t worry. Nobody else knows.’
‘You won’t say, will you?’
‘What? And get you in hot water? What do you take me for?’
‘In a way, I’ll be sorry to see him go.’ Alice’s heart sank at the thought. ‘But I could never begrudge him that.’ Sighing, she admitted, ‘Besides, he would never look twice at me, not with a gorgeous wife like he’s got.’
Sally was born mischievous. ‘So, you didn’t have it off with him then?’
‘What do you think?’
‘Pity. Mind you, I would have been mad jealous. I might have enjoyed a bit of that myself. He’s a real looker.’
Alice laughed. ‘You’re too fat!’ she teased. ‘You would have broken the bed between you.’
‘You cheeky bugger! But you’re right all the same.’ She laughed out loud. ‘Mind you, we could have rolled about the floor.’
‘Well, he’s going, so we’ve both missed our chance.’ Needing to change the subject, she said, ‘I’d better get this coffee to him before it goes cold,’ and before Sally could question her further, she was away, eager to get back to Mike, wishing he would be made to stay here, and hating herself for wishing it.
‘Here we are!’ she said brightly as she entered the room.
Mike welcomed her with a smile. ‘You’ve been gone so long, I thought you’d abandoned me.’
‘Now, would I do a thing like that?’ If he was to ask, she would spend the rest of her life with him. ‘You cost me a packet of chocolate biscuits though.’ Setting the tray on the table, she made a wry little grin. ‘See what I do for you, Mike Peterson?’
He chuckled. ‘Nurse Jenkins caught you at it, did she?’ Taking a drink of the coffee he grimaced. ‘God Almighty! It’s stone cold. Are you trying to poison me, or what?’
Before she could answer, the door opened to admit an official-looking woman in a long white coat. Addressing Alice she told her, ‘Nurse, you can bring Mr Peterson through now.’
7
Loath to go home, Kerry made her way to the office.
Steve was seated at her desk, dealing with the paperwork. ‘I thought you weren’t coming in today?’ Getting up from the chair, he brushed past her to close the door. ‘What happened to your “important business”?’
Kerry had not explained the reason for taking the day off. She was careful how she answered. ‘It hasn’t gone away,’ she told him. ‘I still have to deal with it.’
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’
She shook her head. ‘I’ve just dropped the kids off at school and I thought I’d pop in and make sure everything was all right here.’ Glancing through the office window, she was pleased to see the two women hard at work. ‘I’ll nip down and have a word with them before I leave. I need to be sure they’re on top with the orders. Good as they are, nobody’s perfect. When the cat’s away…’
‘Kerry?’
‘Please, Steve. No more questions.’ Afraid she might weaken and tell him how it could be over between them, she thought it safer to say nothing at all.
He persisted. ‘I know there’s something troubling you.’
‘Leave it, Steve.’
‘Don’t you trust me?’
‘I wouldn’t have left you in charge if I didn’t.’
‘Then believe me when I say I would like to help. And you have my word that nobody shirks when you’re out of sight.’
Mortified, she knew he was right. ‘I shouldn’t have said that,’ she apologised. ‘I know how conscientious they are.’
‘All the same, I’m glad you’re here. I’m missing you already.’ When he smiled, the dimple beneath his eye deepened. It was one of the things Kerry first noticed, that and the quiet, secretive way he looked at her.
‘Ten minutes, then I have to go.’
‘Pity.’ Standing close, he looked her in the eye. ‘I really would like to help, if only you’ll let me.’
‘You can’t. Nobody can.’ Her thoughts went to Mike. He was almost a stranger now. But for the children’s sake she had to try, and maybe, just maybe, she and Mike could work things out.
With the tip of his thumb Steve wiped away a telltale tear from her cheek. ‘Tell me.’
‘No. It’s something I have to deal with, and I will.’ Averting her gaze, she rounded the desk and sat behind it, feigning interest in a batch of letters.
‘Has it to do with us?’ Leaning forward, he spread his hands across the desk, staring down at her.
Disturbed by his persistence, she got up and went quickly to the door. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Kerry, for God’s sake, talk to me! Has it to do with us?’ Coming up behind her, he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her.
Swinging round, she flattened herself against the door, where she knew the women below could not see. ‘All right,’ she said, ‘yes, it has to do with you and me.’
‘I’m listening.’
‘It’s possible Mike could be coming home today.’
‘Mike!’ He looked at her aghast. He had convinced himself that Mike’s breakdown was permanent.
‘He goes before the panel today. They’ll decide if he’s well enough to come home.’
‘And if he is coming home, what then? What about us?’
‘I think you already know.’
He looked away. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘You know it isn’t!’ Clutching his arm, she pleaded, ‘My feelings towards you haven’t changed. It’s you I love.’
‘But you’re his wife.’
‘Don’t make this any harder for me, Steve. Mike is almost a stranger to me now. I don’t know how he thinks any more; I don’t know how he feels about me, not really. I don’t even know if I love him the way I used to.’
‘But you’re prepared to give me up for him?’ He could taste the bitterness on his tongue. ‘Mike Peterson forfeited the right to you long ago.’
‘Please, Steve, try and understand.’ Kerry didn’t blame him for feeling angry, but it was wrong. ‘Mike is still my husband. Believe me, I’m not looking forward to starting all over again. But, for the sake of the kids, I have to try to make the marriage work.’ She held him by the hand, remembering all that had passed between them. ‘It’s been wonderful, but now it’s over. We have to accept that.’
‘It’s a pity he didn’t die three years ago.’
Shocked, Kerry thrust him away. ‘I don’t want to listen to that kind of talk.’ She turned to the door. ‘I have to go.’
‘It’s not over.’ Wrapping his fingers about her wrist, he made her turn back. ‘We can’t switch it off just like that, and you know it.’
‘You’re saying all the wrong things, Steve,’ she
answered him softly.
‘True though, isn’t it?’
Torn between loyalty to Mike and her love for Steve, she had no answer.
‘Will we still work together, or would you rather end that too?’
Her heart sank. The days would be empty without him near. ‘That depends on you, Steve.’
‘I understand what you’re saying but you needn’t worry.’
‘I’m glad.’
‘You know I love you?’
‘I know.’
‘And if it all goes wrong, I’ll still be here.’
Bowing her head, Kerry wished things could have been different. Now, when he took her in his arms and kissed her, she knew she would never love Mike in the same way.
A few moments later she left, regretting today, fearing tomorrow.
From the office window, Steve watched her go. Hard-faced and resolute, he twisted a paperknife in his hands until it drew blood. ‘You belong to me,’ he murmured. ‘I won’t let him come between us.’
Slowly, he raised his arm, and with a swift flick of the wrist, threw the paperknife across the room. With a gentle thud it pierced the smiley face on the calendar. Steve thumped the desk triumphantly. ‘Hah! It’s good to know I haven’t lost my touch.’
Striding across to retrieve the knife, he wiped his own blood from the blade. Once more he threw the paperknife, watching with satisfaction as it sliced through the eyes of the face on the calendar. ‘Be warned, Mike Peterson,’ he murmured. ‘Kerry’s mine. All mine!’
The phone rang as Kerry put her key in the door.
Julie took the call in the kitchen. ‘Hold on,’ she told the caller. ‘It’s my daughter you want.’
Kerry’s heart was in her mouth. ‘Is it the hospital?’
Julie nodded and handed her the receiver, then retired to a respectful distance where she slyly eavesdropped. Her face stiffened as she followed the conversation.
After a few brief moments, Kerry replaced the receiver. ‘I suppose you heard all that.’
‘When will he be home?’ That was all Julie needed to know.
Going to the table, Kerry drew out a chair and sat down. ‘Today, but first the doctor wants to see us both together.’ She gave a croaky laugh. ‘They probably want to give me the once over to make sure I’m able to cope.’
Hiding Game, The Page 6