There was no note from Bianca or clue as to where she’d gone. She’d simply disappeared.
She’d found out the truth about him, and she’d left.
He rubbed at his chest, willing the walls guarding his heart to rebuild themselves. This was an inevitable outcome. Maybe he’d thought they’d have more time, but there was no doubt Nate was supposed to end up alone.
Except he didn’t believe that anymore. Bianca had changed everything, and most of all she’d changed him.
He walked back down the stairs only to find Ariana waiting for him at the bottom.
“I’m sorry, Nate,” she said gently. “Do you want to—”
“It’s fine.” He held up a hand. “I’m fine. I’ve got some work to do in the yard.” His voice sounded distant in his own ears. “Good to have you and Jayden back. I’ll see you later, okay?”
She nodded. “Okay.”
He went out the back of the house, unwilling to have another confrontation with his brother so soon. Nate needed time to readjust his mask into place. To convince himself it didn’t matter that she’d left him, so he could go about convincing everyone else.
Otis lifted his head as Nate moved off the back porch, his ears twitching like Nate might help him find EJ.
“He’s gone,” Nate said as if the dog could understand him. He scratched Sugar behind the ears when she trotted up to him. “You can stay or go, but EJ isn’t coming back.”
Otis whined softly, then stood and started following Nate as he made his way toward the shed. Sugar barked once but remained in the backyard, trained not to wander far.
“I mean it.” Nate glanced over his shoulder at the dog. “You’re going to have to deal with the fact that he left you. They left both of us.”
He blew out a breath. Hell, he was having a breakup talk with a dog. How pathetic could his life get?
He set his hat on the woodpile near the shed out back and pulled the ax out of a block of wood. A windstorm just before Christmas had felled several large bur oak trees, so he’d quartered them and left the wood by the shed to chop into manageable pieces of firewood. But other jobs had taken priority, and he hadn’t made it to the stack of wood yet. Now he welcomed the mindless task.
Physical exertion was the one thing that had kept him sane during his years as a SEAL. When things got to be too much to deal with, he could rely on grueling exercise to work out all the emotions he didn’t want to face. So he swung the ax like he had a vendetta against it, welcoming the first twinges of pain in his muscles.
Otis stayed with him, watching his movements from a patch of shade near the front of the shed. By the time he finished chopping, his shirt was drenched and sweat rolled down between his shoulder blades. His arms quivered and he knew by tonight he wouldn’t be able to lift his hands above his head. The pain in his body dulled the ache in his heart, although it still remained, an undercurrent of emptiness that seemed to form the base of who he was.
“You know this isn’t Alaska?”
Nate drove the ax into a thick piece of oak then turned to his brother. “I’m aware.”
Jayden inclined his head toward the shoulder-high pile of wood to Nate’s side. “We’ve got enough firewood there to take us through half a dozen Texas winters.”
“Good to be prepared.” Nate wiped his brow then began stacking the oak against the side of the shed.
“Are we going to talk about it now?” Jayden asked, pulling a pair of leather work gloves out of his pocket. “Or do you want me to find some tires for you to throw around?”
“No tires,” Nate mumbled.
“Fence posts to dig?” Jayden suggested, walking to the other side of the woodpile and grabbing a piece to stack. “You could run to the county line with a hay bale balanced on your shoulders. I don’t know if there’s anything else that would beat you down enough to make you happy. CrossFit is all the rage in Ariana’s old neighborhood in Austin. Want to try some box jumps? That might make you feel better.”
“How about I beat the crap out of you?” Nate asked conversationally. “That would definitely help.”
“Ariana wouldn’t approve. She likes my face just the way it is.”
“And here I thought she had better taste than that,” Nate said, ignoring the fact that he and Jayden looked exactly the same.
They worked in silence for several minutes, but finally Nate couldn’t stand it any longer.
“She left me,” he said, pulling off his gloves and slapping them against his thigh. “I told her I was all in and she left me.”
Jayden wiped an arm across his brow. “What exactly does ‘all in’ mean?”
“You know.”
“I don’t.”
“I was committed.”
“As in you love her?”
“As in ‘all in,’” Nate repeated.
“Somehow you think that scared her away?”
Nate shook his head. “She found out about Eddie. That scared her. Or disgusted her. I don’t know.”
“Did you tell her your version or the truth?”
“They’re the same thing,” Nate answered, glaring at his brother. “Besides, I didn’t tell her anything. Her ex-husband showed up here yesterday. He wants her back and was more than happy to explain everything to Bianca so she’d see what bad news I am in her life.”
“What exactly did he explain?”
He took a breath, licked his lips then said, “That I killed Eddie.”
The string of curses that flowed from Jayden’s mouth was so explicit and creative, Nate almost blushed. Nearly twenty years as a SEAL and he was actually learning a few new phrases thanks to his brother.
“Whoa, there.” He held up his hands, palms out. “I might not like how the guy treated Bianca, but she was going to find out eventually. I should have been the one to tell her in the first place.”
“Birth order,” Jayden muttered through clenched teeth, stalking away a few paces then turning back to Nate. “That’s the only thing that explains it.”
“What are you talking about?” Nate scrubbed a hand over his jaw.
“Your stupidity. It must be a result of our birth order.” Jayden pointed an angry finger at Nate. “I was first and Grayson next. You came last, so it stands to reason you got cheated on brain cells. As in—” he leaned closer “—you have none.”
Nate scoffed. “Who took your physics final senior year? I did. Don’t talk to me about which one of us got the brains. There’s no question I did.”
“Then give me another excuse for acting like such an idiot. You did not kill Eddie Shaw. You tried to save him and could have died in the process.”
Nate shut his eyes as images from that last mission assaulted him. “If I’d gotten there sooner, he’d still be alive, Jayden. If I’d taken him out first—”
“You saved four men that night, Nate. Eddie chose to be the last one extracted from the ridge.”
“I couldn’t even recover his body,” Nate whispered, shame making his voice crack. “I had to leave him there.”
“He would have understood,” Jayden said quietly.
Nate met his brother’s gaze. It was like looking in a mirror, a reflection of himself, only stronger and more sure. Nate couldn’t be sure of anything at the moment. Since he’d returned from Afghanistan he’d been like a boat in the middle of the ocean being buffeted by waves from every side and unable to get his bearings. He’d thought he’d started righting the ship with Bianca and EJ in his life, but now he was lost again.
“How do you know?” he asked, unable to stop hoping for something that might make the world make sense.
“Because he was a soldier. He knew the risks.”
“I was supposed to have his back. We took care of each other for almost twenty years. He was ready to get out—to have a real life—and I took that from him.”
> “The men who fired the guns and launched that final grenade took that from him.” Jayden stepped closer. “What if things had been reversed? If you’d been the one injured, would you have wanted Eddie to save you first?”
“Of course not.” Nate felt simmering anger rising inside him, hot and sharp. “But I never would have gotten myself into that position.” He shook his head. “I told him we needed to wait for backup. He insisted on going in with just our squadron. He was so damn stubborn. Then it all went to hell.”
“Which was not your fault,” Jayden insisted.
“You don’t understand. Someone has to take the blame. I should never have agreed to it. I had a gut feeling. And I told Eddie—” He broke off, regret choking him.
“What did you tell him?”
“I said ‘you got us into this, you better get us out.’ The way he did that was by sacrificing himself.”
“He made the choice, Nate. He knew the risks.”
“I’m sick of the anger and guilt. It’s like Gerald Robinson, you know? All our lives we thought our dad was dead. Only to find out he was in Texas all along and had his own family. It makes me so damn mad, Jayden. It makes me feel guilty that I didn’t push Mom for more information on him when we were teenagers and I got curious.”
“You remember what happened when we were younger and I wouldn’t stop asking her about our dad.”
Nate gave a sharp nod. “She cried.”
“It was awful. She didn’t want to talk about him.”
“But what if I’d demanded to know his identity and I’d tracked him down and figured out that Jerome Fortune had faked his own death? That would have changed so much for all of us.”
“You had no way of knowing,” Jayden said quietly. “Just like you had no way of knowing what was going to happen in Afghanistan. I get your need to take care of people, Nate, and I admire it. I do. But you’re not some sort of all-seeing, all-knowing superhero. You’re a man who makes mistakes, but you try your best.” He paused, then added, “I think you have that in common with Gerald Robinson.”
Nate shook his head. “I don’t have anything in common with our father.”
“You do if you let Bianca walk away. The same way Gerald let Mom go. I think he really loved her. There’s a good chance he still might. But a lot of water has passed under that bridge. You’ve got time on your side.” Jayden made a show of checking his watch. “About three hours based on when we saw her.”
Nate threw up his hands. “What am I supposed to do?”
“You could start by calling and apologizing for being the biggest ass on the planet.”
“She left.”
“Or you pushed her away.”
“I’ve got work to do.” Nate grabbed another piece of wood. “No more talking.”
“You’re not meant to be alone. You deserve way more happiness than you’re allowing yourself to have.” Jayden shoved his gloves into his back pocket. “It’s scary as hell to put yourself out there, but trust me when I tell you it’s worth it in the end. Think about it.”
Otis perked up his ears and watched Jayden walk away.
“Feel free to go after him,” Nate told the dog. “He’s heading back to the house. You know Sugar will be waiting. No sense in both of us being miserable.”
The dog inclined his head then gave a soft whimper and lowered his body to the ground once more.
Nathan stacked the wood then moved on to shoring up a few loose pieces of siding on the back of the shed. At the rate he was going, he’d be caught up with projects around the ranch by the end of the week. He couldn’t allow himself to stop. If he didn’t keep moving, the heartache of losing Bianca would overwhelm him.
Ariana brought him a plate of food to the barn when he missed dinner.
He mumbled, “Thank you,” but didn’t slow his pace.
“It’s not too late,” she said gently before she left him alone again.
Alone.
He’d been alone for so damn long. It felt right when he’d first come back from Afghanistan. He needed the time by himself to readjust to regular life. But he’d used his guilt over the last mission as an excuse for staying isolated.
Until Bianca had broken through all of his walls.
Around midnight he returned to the darkened house. He knew Jayden and Ariana were worried about him, and while Nate appreciated the concern, he didn’t know how to assure them he’d be fine. It felt like he’d never be fine again.
He’d gone into town for supplies and gotten a text from Bianca saying she’d stopped for the night near Stallworth, a small town about four hours from Paseo. She wasn’t ready to talk but didn’t want him to worry.
As angry as she might be, his Bianca couldn’t help her caring nature. It was one of things he lov—
No. He couldn’t go there right now.
He showered and put on clean clothes, but instead of making his way to his own room, he sat on the bed where EJ had slept. It was impossible to imagine waking up tomorrow without the boy’s enthusiasm and energy setting the tone for the day.
He smoothed his hand over the quilt, stilling when it hit a lump under the covers. He reached under and pulled out Roscoe, EJ’s beloved stuffed animal. The boy cuddled the raggedy bear to his chest all night as he slept. How would Bianca ever get him to settle without it?
Nate ran down to the kitchen, grabbing the phone from the wall and punched in her number, the teddy bear finally giving him an excuse to reach out to her. The call went straight to voicemail.
She and EJ were out there someplace, and Nate had to find them.
Chapter Sixteen
Bianca was half asleep on the chair outside her room when the bright lights of a familiar silver truck pulled into the motel’s parking lot.
It was almost four in the morning, and the world was quiet around her other than the sound of the diesel engine. She’d come out of her room when she couldn’t sleep, afraid her tossing and turning would wake EJ, who’d taken hours to finally settle without his teddy bear. The cool air and the slight breeze scented with impending rain had settled her enough to where she didn’t feel like she was going to break down and begin sobbing.
Emotion gripped her again and she clutched at her throat, feeling like a deer in headlights as the truck turned into the empty parking spot next to her small car. The engine died a moment later, and Nate emerged, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, his hair sticking up around his head like he’d been compulsively running his fingers through it.
Bianca gripped the edges of the chair to keep from launching herself at him. What was the point of trying to become an independent woman if she melted into a puddle the minute a man came after her?
He’d come for her. That had to mean something, right?
But as he walked toward her, his eyes were unreadable in the faint glow from the motel’s neon sign.
“Fancy meeting you here,” she said, trying for a jaunty tone.
“You forgot this.”
Bianca gave a choked sigh when Nate brought his hand from behind his back to reveal EJ’s beloved teddy bear. She stood and reached for the bear, her skin tingling when her fingers grazed Nate’s.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “You wouldn’t believe what a challenge bedtime was without Roscoe.”
“I found him under the covers of EJ’s bed.”
She brushed her fingers over the stuffed animal’s worn fur. “I can’t believe he forgot to pack him or that I didn’t check before we got in the car. Eddie gave him to me the first time he deployed. He said the bear would keep me safe when he couldn’t. It’s been the only stuffed animal EJ ever cared about, and I always believed that meant something. Roscoe was our connection to Eddie and—” She drew in a deep breath as she looked up at him. “It’s the middle of the night, Nate.”
“Technically, it’s very early mor
ning,” he replied.
“Okay,” she agreed. “But you drove all this way to deliver Roscoe?”
“You left him.” He paused, then added, “You left me.”
She felt her mouth drop open. “I couldn’t stay. Not after our conversation. How did you find me?”
“Stallworth is a metropolis compared to Paseo, but it’s still a small town. You texted that you’d stopped here for the night. As much of an early bird as EJ is, I didn’t think you’d get on the road again until daylight, which meant I had a few hours. I checked all the hotels and motels until I saw your car in the parking lot.”
“You came all this way to bring EJ his stuffed animal?”
Something flared in Nate’s eyes. It was a mix of regret and hope that lanced Bianca’s heart. “I came to apologize for how I handled our last conversation and for not telling you the truth about Eddie when you first arrived. You had a right to know.”
“I need to know everything,” she said, unable to stop herself from reaching for him. He flinched when her hand gripped his arm, like her touch was charged, but he didn’t pull away. She wouldn’t have been able to stand it if he’d pulled away. She inclined her head toward the closed door behind her. “I’d invite you in but EJ’s a light sleeper.” She gestured to the concrete step that led from the walkway in front of the row of hotel rooms to the parking lot. “Would you like to have a seat on my makeshift porch?”
Nate studied her for a moment then nodded.
She let go of his arm as they sat. Somehow she knew whatever Nate was going to tell her would be easier if they weren’t touching.
But the urge was strong to climb into his lap and bury her face in the crook of his neck. She’d only been away from the ranch for half a day, but she missed Nate like they’d been separated for months.
She could feel the tension pouring off him and knew the next few minutes would determine her future and whether she’d be moving forward with or without Nate Fortune.
“Tell me,” she whispered.
He closed his eyes as a quiver passed through him. “Eddie was my brother in every way that matters. I never imagined a world without him, and we’d been through some pretty serious stuff over the years. But there was something that felt off to me on our last mission. Our commanding officer wanted action, but the intel wasn’t clear and it felt like we were rushing it.” He looked at her, his dark eyes filled with regret. “From the start I knew things were going to go bad.”
Her Soldier of Fortune Page 17