by Love Belvin
“Quarterback of the damn decade, Trent Bailey, aka T Muthafuckin’ B!” she droned with lust, clearly conversant with the man’s professional career.
Trent cracked a smile and extended his hand. “Nice to finally meet you, Lashawn.”
Shawnie giggled, exposing her teeth and gums. I refused to become embarrassed by her apparent hankering. To overlook it, I immediately introduced him to my aunt Magness on the other side of Lashawn. She, too, seemed to gush at his presence. Soon after, my mother’s distinct and fluid voice flowed from the speakers, starting the program.
I shuffled next to Trent, close enough to plant my hand on his hard thigh. He looked down on me and thankfully supplied me with a soft gaze I could identify as warm.
“I’m sorry,” I mouthed, my tear ducts filling.
Trent took my hand and pulled it up to his face for a kiss.
“’S all good,” he whispered before turning his attention ahead.
“I’m going to make it up to you,” I pledged.
Trent scoffed. “You better.”
Just then he turned in his seat, slightly alarmed. Soon I was able to see why.
“Trent!” Kyree cried.
“Hey! You here, too?” Trent asked, sitting Kyree on his knee.
“Trent, you gotta see the gym here. It’s bigger than ours at home!”
Trent chuckled. “I hope it is. Ours is just enough for me and you. Theirs is enough for all of the people that come here.”
My heart tore at his inclusion. From that moment on, I vowed to myself to be better at being as inclusive as Trent needed me to be. His emotional level had been compromised by his mother. I may not have been able to substitute for her lack of maternal care, but I could proceed with that deficit in mind.
~Twelve
Life had been stable. Peaceful. I’d also been given a bonus gift in Jade and Kyree. It may have been a long road of letting her in, but I was good with Jade. Had come to need her, especially seeing how she raised up against my moms in my honor on Easter. Jade was the type of woman that had to be handled. She couldn’t be left to her own devices to maintain while I was traveling the country, working. My occupation alone triggered her wild insecurities, and while I’d recently admitted to myself enjoying her jealous and possessive tendencies, I had to manage her if this was going to work between us. The task could be exhausting at times, but her enthusiasm for this relationship fueled me, and I would entertain whatever necessary to keep her near.
I had her busy with the house, a huge feat, but at least it would buy me time to figure out what our next step would be. She also had school and Kyree to manage. On occasion, she would take a gig doing manicures and pedicures for big parties to keep her skills up. When I was in Connecticut we’d see each other whether she came up to the condo or I swung by the house for a night trip before hitting the road again. Things were delicately balancing on the even side of my trust capabilities and her feeling secure in my world.
Of course when all seems to be going well, life throws that curve ball reminding you to never rely on peace. Yup. I was well on my way to the place I’d been praying for. The place that had me in intense prayer and meditation sessions, and soul searching to make room for this blessing. We played the Broncos at their home and earned a W the first game in September. The team was ecstatic, and even though I didn’t have any field time, I was happy for my boys. Jordan was bouncing off the walls with the victory, making it hard not to feel relief from breaking the losing streak. It didn’t matter I walked off the field in a clean uniform. This was for the team. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.
The moment we hit the locker room, Nate approached me, asking to speak in a private room. I didn’t panic, but thought it was strange and suspect for my team. I followed him into an equipment room and waited for him to close the door. Holding onto the neck of my shoulder pads, I turned to him.
“What’s good?” I asked, noticing the seriousness in his expression.
“Uh… TB… I don’t know how to say this, but we’re away from home and…”
That’s when panic struck.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” My gloved palm went into the air. I felt my face turn hard as stone. “Don’t do that, bruh. You know me. Just spit it.” Nate took a deep breath. “Now!”
“Shank.” His eyes blinked too many times. I backed into the wall, mind running before I heard the news he couldn’t break. “He died about an hour ago, bro.” My legs felt weak. They wobbled before giving out. I couldn’t breathe all of a sudden. “Jade called, your aunt called, but you know the policy—”
The door swung open. I didn’t see him, couldn’t see him, but heard him clearly.
“What the hell!” JJ’s arm folded around my shoulder. “I’m sorry, man.”
My breathing turned shallow. At the same damn time, I scolded myself for moving into the space of anxiety.
“I can’t…” I tried. “Get this…” My hands went to the collar of my shoulder pads. “Get this shit off me, man!” I shot to my feet, afraid I was suffocating.
“Hold, TB, I got you,” JJ yelped. I saw Nate lunge my way. “Let me get your jersey off first!”
“Get this shit off me!” I screamed, wheezing turning painful.
I worked with and against them stripping me of the weighted uniform. It was a task I’d been familiar with since being a kid, and suddenly the steps to remove it all had escaped me, spiking my panic. I yanked my body against their pulls and tugs until I was free.
“You good, bruh?” JJ asked, clearly out of sorts, too.
I leaned against the wall, breathing deep and loudly. This couldn’t be. I was just with him last week. I knew he’d been on borrowed time. I understood the blessing in having his life extended as long as it had been. Shank had resisted medication for the first few years of his diagnosis, being in denial.
He’d prepared us for this. Gone over what my response should be to this very moment, time after time, over the past five years as his health continued to decline. He told me I had to be strong. I couldn’t lose it, couldn’t trip. It would be my job to be the pillar for April, who could and would freak out. He said she was the only one allowed, other than his mother, but not me. He said I would carry out his plan from top to bottom, and after his ashes were dispersed and he was on his way to the other side, I could then handle my emotions the way I saw fit.
But the fucker forgot to tell me it’d hurt this bad!
He didn’t tell me I’d feel a cold slicing in the middle of my chest. He didn’t tell me how fast my head would spin and how my vision would immediately cloud from my response. He didn’t tell me the ability to breathe wouldn’t be guaranteed. He also didn’t tell me I would experience my biggest fear since being released from prison. Shank would never see me get a W for my team.
“Yo, TB, man! You good?” JJ shouted over me. “Hey!” he yelled behind him. “Give him some privacy in here! Close that damn door!”
I sat on my haunches, in a fetal position, holding my head. God, just let me get my breathing under control. I knew I had to go out there to pack up and leave. I could do this. I could hold it together. I had to hold my uncle down. I had to make sure he was sent off according to his instructions. I rocked back and forth with closed eyes, hearing his advice play in my mind.
“You ain’t gotta worry about me after I’m gone. You need to worry about whatever man tries to get on April because I’m gonna be right by her side until she goes. Then we gon’ make our real exit together.”
And that’s where I went. To April. After flying home that night, I went straight to Camden. Her house was lit at that crazy hour with her family and mine. I traveled through a few supporters to find her in their tiny bedroom, sitting with one leg propped on the bed.
“You ready, baby?” she asked with a calm that confused me.
“Ready?” I blinked a few times, dumbfounded. “I was coming to check on you.”
April chuckled. “I know you are. We gots things to do to get
this man settled. I don’t want him haunting me in my dreams because we ain’t do what he been drilling in us for years now.” She laughed again.
“We been tryna get her to go out, but she said she had to wait on you,” her sister Tierra droned with an attitude. April sat with her arms folded over her chest in my uncle’s chair in the tight corner of the room.
But I hadn’t called. I just came. How did she know I’d be coming? It was almost five in the morning.
“Jade told me you tired, so let’s go before you crash. Wal-Mart in Philly is open. I gotta get him socks, boxers, and a t-shirt so they can put it on under his suit.” She moved around the room collecting her purse and jewelry. “You remember Pastor Graham from Holy Calvary on Mt. Ephraim, right?” She didn’t wait for me to answer as she scoured the dresser for her rings. “Well, he lost a Scraps game to Shank four years ago and his payback is letting us use the church for the funeral. Shank said he can’t eulogize him, though. He still mad ‘cause that man tried to do me when Shank was still out there wildin’ the hell out.” She looked at me, fluttering her lashes, unable to hide her blushing grin. “You know how your uncle is, Trent. Anyway, we need a minister. You think your pastor could do it? He seem straight up.” She stopped in front of me in the doorway before pushing past to leave.
“Ye—yeah…” I blinked, trying to keep up with her. “I’ll have to call him to see if he’s available first.”
“Good. Now, c’mon. I told Jade I’d have you home by noon!” she shouted over her shoulder out the door.
From those few short minutes of encountering April’s strength through her point of grieving, I knew I’d be okay. I knew all I had to do was follow her lead, and all would be well.
The next few days were spent getting ready for Shank’s funeral. When I wasn’t being tugged behind April, I was at home, working out and studying plays. Eli and the Kings sent heartfelt support. Not only were the homes of Shank and my grandmother filled to capacity with flower arrangements, but they also paid for the repast to be catered after the funeral.
The funeral…
That was more difficult than I was prepared for. Every move I made created a problem or had the potential to. Like the seating arrangements. April had it so that I sat next to her and having me sit next to her meant Jade sitting in the front row, too, with my grandmother. And that was huge for my family. Keep in mind, Shank was my uncle and not father or brother. My cousins all sat two and three rows back. The church wasn’t so big and not everyone could sit on the front row. So, while my mother managed to secure her seat there, Trick wasn’t so lucky and landed in the second row. I would have gladly sat in the back to make everybody happy, but April was insistent it was one of Shank’s wishes.
Speaking of my mother, she put on quite a show during the service. She wailed loudly, drawing attention to herself. I couldn’t believe when she took from her seat and hugged Shank’s glistening navy blue casket. It was such a production, my grandmother threatened to have her removed for the distraction. She was turned up, but I studied her, observed her reddened eyes and glossy face tears. She cranked out words of regret and mentioned she hadn’t felt this sad since losing her son. At that mention, Jade squeezed my hand, reminding me she was there with me. When I cut my eye to her, I saw Jade shooting daggers at my mother. I didn’t do funerals, hadn’t gone to one since my uncle, Trey’s, but was told this was the usual behavior. But somewhere deep inside I wondered if my mother would stir the same emotions for me when I died. Sad, but for the first time, I didn’t look at death with fear.
Ezra gave a great eulogy. I appreciated—more like was relieved—how he was able to customize his message to my uncle’s life. The two weren’t friends, but had been around each other countless times over the years as it concerned me. Ezra even came down to the hospital and prayed over Shank the first time we thought we’d lost him months before I got locked up. Plus, Shank listened to Ezra’s sermons I had sent to him. He always spoke highly of my pastor. It didn’t hurt that Ezra didn’t fornicate with women or gamble with and without parishioners like the pastors around the way.
During the repast at a banquet hall around the corner from the church, I tried staying in the cut. Jade and I took a table in the corner as she went over our travel plans to South Carolina with me. Tyheem stood posted near, but at a respectable distance. I wasn’t in any danger, but damn sure wanted my privacy while I mourned my uncle. So far at least ten people approached me asking for an autograph: one right in the church after I touched Shank’s coffin. I didn’t want to do pictures either. Unless it was with my blood family at the request of my grandmother or April, I wanted to be left alone.
Jade booked a house for our final goodbye to Shank while everybody ate and mingled. The food was delicious. Apparently, Eli Richardson commissioned a local soul food restaurant. It reminded me of the Eli I used to know. He knew I could afford to send my uncle off in style, but he wanted to show a sign of his support and this was how he chose to.
“It was either that one or this one.” Jade tapped her tablet to load another page. “This one is nicer, but I know how cheap you are and didn’t want to go overboard—”
“Daaaaamn…” I groaned. “Your tits are swollen!” I choked on my spit, I was salivating so hard.
“Trent!” she whispered, glancing around before she pulled at the cleavage of her black dress. “I told you I didn’t have time to shop for anything this week with you being home.” Her cheeks heated and she appeared self-conscious.
“I don’t remember you saying that at all, and damn sure don’t recall you stepping out of the house in that.” My eyes were pinned to her bountiful cherries. “I wonder if Ezra caught that while he was giving his sermon.”
“Trent!” She slapped my arm, trying to fight her giggle. Her hazel eyes bright with shameful humor. “You’re making me feel bad.”
“I don’t mean to, it’s just…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Damn, Jade, the day is hard enough as it is.” I continued teasing her, needing the distraction from the day. It was strange to be in this circle without my uncle in the same room. Jade pinched the side of my abs. “Ouch!”
“Then stop it!” she whispered with force. “You know what you’re doing!”
“What?” I asked without the humor. That pinch hurt.
“You’re trying to put me on blast in front of your family.”
“Baby, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’ve been on blast in front of them since you entered the church. Cat’s outta the bag—or in this case the boobs are out of the bra.”
Jade slammed her face in her palms. “Trenton!” That act told me to slow down. Shortie never wanted to mess up her carefully laid makeup.
I pulled her in my arms. “You know I’m just messing with you.” I whispered in her ear while stealing a feel of the underside of her right boob on the low.
“And trying to make me horny!” she whined quietly in her hands.
That made me smile on the inside and outside. Even if it was at her expense, Jade improved my mood. I got a kick out of teasing her because she made it so damn easy.
“Oh! Y’all back here!” April shouted over my head. “Where my bag?” she asked Jade. “I need to give that girl over there my brother’s number. You know…the one in Ohio, Trent.” She didn’t even look at me when she dug through her purse. “They used to go together. Can you believe—”
“Who taking my brother’s ashes down south?” My mother appeared out of nowhere, her eyes on April.
“Me, Brenda. Who else?” April asked her with her brows meeting.
“Who all’s going?”
“Nobody, hardly. Me, Trent, and Jade here, is all I know,” April answered, still fixated on her bag.
“Momma?”
“I don’t know. Trent asked her and she said she hasn’t been feeling well this week, so she don’t know if she can fly.”
“Somebody need to be there to represent the family.” My mother had some gruff in her d
elivery with that.
I felt Jade squeeze my thigh underneath the table. If snatching her to leave the table wouldn’t have been disruptive, I would have.
“Trent don’t represent the Bailey’s, Brenda?” April asked with her fist on her plump hip, her eyes finally on my mother.
Things went quiet. Jade cocked her head to the side, waiting for her answer. My eyes hit the tablet in front of me.
“I wanna go. I just don’t have the money,” my mother whined.
My head shot up and found her eyes on me for the first time in a long time. She was acknowledging me. It was a simple action packing a mighty punch. I couldn’t speak. Next to me, Jade swung her head to the other side, her boobs were really poking now. Little mamma was flexing.
“Oh! Look who has peripheral view now, April.” Jade noted with a crook in her neck and squinted eyes. “So, it takes your brother’s ashes being dispersed out of state for you to acknowledge your son?” Eeep! I jumped to my feet and lifted Jade from her seat. She tried to keep her voice low as she continued. “No. That couldn’t be it because you’ve been around him all day and can’t even tell me the color of his suit!”
I hauled her out of the dining hall, praying we didn’t cause too much of a commotion. Tyheem followed us out but stopped when I signaled him to wait at the end of a hall when I turned the corner with her stilettos flailing in the air. I set her down on her feet, her back against the wall. Jade pouted with her arms crossed under her boobs, looking just like Kyree, height and all. If he were here instead of being in school, he’d clown her with me. She wouldn’t look at me. I paced the floor back and forth in front of her, trying to rein in my emotions. Hot air pushed out of my nostrils and my chest heaved as my fists rested on my hips.
She’s such a damn hot head!
I couldn’t have her flexing for me like I was a punk. I could fight my own battles, deal with my mother on my own. I could only imagine what would have gone down if I hadn’t dragged her out of there. My cousins would’ve raised up on her. They wouldn’t have viewed her as my girl. All they would’ve seen was some pretty bourgeois chick with a dope body and a long weave basing at their relative.