She shrugged dismissively, though her mouth curved in a subtle smile. She kept her gaze on the game. He focused there, too, though he could still see that sitting beside Grace was drawing the attention of those around them. He would do nothing to give away the fact that they’d been intimate. She could tell anyone nosy enough to ask that she knew him from the track—the truth. That they were just friends. Maybe casual acquaintances.
Except for the fact that he was looking at her more than at the game, but that couldn’t be helped. She tore him up, this woman. In the space of a week, she’d broken the barrier he’d erected and poked into his own vulnerable places. Brought his own shadows and pain close to the surface. It made him want to curl tight around her and, at the same time, to take off as fast as his car would go.
It was even worse than that—I found myself.
Had she meant that?
It was hard to tell what was real with Grace. They’d started off with their game of lies, and it morphed into tests of deception. Now he saw that her lies covered up painful truths she’d been holding for so long that sharing them had probably never even occurred to her.
What was real, he realized, were the things she didn’t tell him. And the parts of herself that she had reluctantly revealed. The flirty, vivacious, and confident woman on the dance floor, for instance. The woman who’d kissed him, touched him, and sent him to heaven. He looked at her neck, where a strand of hair was stuck to her damp skin. He had kissed down the length of it, had nibbled on the shoulder that begged for another nibble. He’d tasted her skin, her mouth, and the more intriguing parts of her body. Damn, he needed to focus on the game before his body gave the wagging tongues even more to wag about.
They watched the game for the next forty minutes. He got into the spirit of it, cheering along with everyone else. Grace leaned over from time to time to explain something, or to share an anecdote about one of the girls. When the team won, she surged to her feet with everyone else and cheered. The parents gathered their things, some saying goodbye to Grace, and made their way to the dugout to congratulate their offspring. For a moment, raw longing crossed her face as she watched. And remained.
Tanner nodded toward the melee. “Go on down. I’ll hang here.”
A couple were talking to Mollie, the man giving the girl’s visor an affectionate tug. The woman handed her a bag of Skittles, lighting the girl’s face with sugar joy. No one glanced over at Grace, who tore her gaze from them to say, “I don’t know the girls personally. I just come to support the local team.” She climbed down from the bleachers.
Damn, did he want to grab her arm and tug her back, call her on that bit of bullshit. But not in front of the others. He lived his life on his own terms. Being judged, questioned, he couldn’t imagine. Especially trying to overcome an earlier reputation.
“Walk with me, Grace,” he said instead, indicating the pathway that circled the small lake and woods in the near distance.
She glanced at the family, who were busy, then started walking with him toward the path. “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
“Why?” He couldn’t tell whether she liked that idea or not.
She gave him a Duh look. “You were mad, and rightfully so. Look, I’d steer clear of me, too. I told you up front that I was in a bad place. And, later, why I’m upside down, topsy-turvy.”
“Well, most of it. I stayed in your orbit at my own risk.”
She glanced around, ever watchful of being overheard. Then she took a side trail which clearly wasn’t official, through the bushes and down to a small creek that probably fed into the lake. “Because you’re the Fixer.” She leaned against the trunk of a huge oak tree. “And you did make it better. I appreciate that.” She took him in, her eyes searching his. “But you are one delicious complication I don’t need right now.”
“I was mad, but I would have understood better if you’d told me the person who’d lied to you all these years was your father. I know you don’t owe me any explanations. I’m just this guy who crashed into your life. I get that.” He brushed his fingers down the line of her jaw. “Watching you here, I understand a lot more about you.”
She stiffened, though he couldn’t tell if it was from his touch or his words. “Like what?”
But he bet it was the words. “That you may have approached finding a mate with your head”—he gestured toward her phone, where her mate requirements resided—“but that what you want comes from your heart.” He drew his finger down her throat to her collarbone, pressing it over her heart. “Family. A real family, not a partnership. You need to be honest with yourself about that, because finding some man you’re merely comfortable and compatible with is not going to satisfy you in the long run.”
She took hold of his finger and lowered it, but she didn’t release him. “How can you come to that conclusion because I was watching a softball game?”
“Mollie’s yours, isn’t she?”
Denial flashed in her eyes, poised on her open mouth. “What…how…?”
“Your heart was in your eyes every time she came up to bat. Or caught a ball. And no, I don’t think it would be obvious to other people. They weren’t watching you the way I was.” With my heart in my eyes, I imagine. He had to swallow back the import of that realization. “They’re probably not as familiar with the subtle nuances of your face, the way your hair has that dark-chocolate-fondue silkiness when the sun hits it just so, like Mollie’s. The way Mollie holds her shoulders when she walks up to the batter’s box with a certain bulldog tenacity.”
Grace sank to the mat of leaves, as though her knees had given out. She leaned forward and buried her hands in her face.
He joined her, gently rubbing her back. “I won’t say a word to anyone.”
“I know. I’m not worried about that. I’ve managed to keep two secrets from this town, and in the space of a day you’ve unearthed them both.” She lifted her face to his, searching his eyes. “Why is that? Why are you here?”
“Cosmically, or at the ballpark?”
“I can’t think in cosmic terms right now. Let’s start with the ballpark.”
“I didn’t want to leave things the way we did.”
“You want to make nice before you leave?” Sarcasm turned to suspicion. “Or you want to make something else? Because I’m not going there again.”
Yeah, this was the Grace that revved him—sassy, sure of what she wanted. Except that she was lying to herself about that last statement. “You mean make love?” he asked, using that term, finishing the “make” of her question. “You think I came here to seduce you, at a public park?” He pulled out his wallet and showed her all the compartments. “See, no condom.”
“I don’t know what you want. Hell, I don’t know what I want. I thought I could…have fun with you while you’re here, then detach. But I can’t. I’m not like you, Tanner. I can’t just be with you and then not be with you.”
“Because you found yourself.”
“What?” She looked genuinely confused.
“Instead of losing yourself when you kissed me, you found yourself. That’s what you told me, why you ran off that first night we met.” He’d surprised her again, and confirmed that she really didn’t remember saying that. Which meant she meant it. And that she’d been more drunk than she realized.
“I hate you.”
He leaned close, brushing his mouth against hers. “No, you don’t.”
Her eyes drifted closed, and a soft breath escaped her. “No, I don’t. That’s the problem.”
He kissed her, as soft as that breath. “I don’t hate you, either.”
Their lips lingered, more of a connection than a kiss. “Tanner, what do you want from me?”
“More, Grace. I want more of you, and I know it’s not right or fair when I don’t know how to stay.” He brought his hand up to her face, his thumb brushing the corner of her mouth. “I don’t want to be another mistake, another person you believed in who lets you down.”
&n
bsp; “Then don’t.”
He didn’t know if she meant not to let her down or not to begin something at all. And he shouldn’t do either.
She answered the question by leaning back. “Mollie wasn’t a mistake. I mean, her conception was, my relationship with her father was, but I can’t call her a mistake.”
“No, of course not. It was that asswipe in college, wasn’t it?”
“Patrick,” she affirmed. “That was the crisis I alluded to. I found out that I was pregnant, even though I was on the Pill.”
“And he took a hike, literally.”
“Yep. He wanted me to get an abortion, even offered to pay for it.” Her laugh had a bitter edge. “That girl would not have been born if I’d listened to him, or to my fears, my shame. I was twenty-one, working my ass off between classes and the job I needed to supplement my scholarships. If I’d kept her, I would have had to quit college. When my dad went away—” She glanced at him, then amended, “Went to prison, we were already poor. We moved here and officially became trailer trash. My mom worked double shifts doing janitorial work at the hospital. The good part was that she brought home food. The bad part…the food. But it was better than going to bed hungry. She did the best she could, but she wasn’t really there for me. I had no structure, no discipline.”
“No love,” he added, because he knew that part was as hard as the lack of food. “Or, at least, no evidence of it.”
She reached out and covered his hand with hers. “Something you know well enough.”
“Go on.” He didn’t want to dwell on his childhood.
“My baby deserved a lot better, and I already knew Patrick wouldn’t be in the picture. Sure, by law he was responsible financially, but I didn’t want to fight him for support. Hard to do that when he’d be living hand to mouth on some trail. My mother said she wasn’t going to ‘watch no baby’; she’d put in her time, struggling, sacrificing. Not that I asked, but she made it clear that I couldn’t count on her.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. Plus she smoked all the time—which, ultimately, killed her. I wouldn’t have let my baby be around her. Giving up the baby for adoption was really the only viable option. I’d been interning with an attorney in Panama City during the summers, so I asked her about adoption. She knew a family right here that was looking for a baby, and so it went very smoothly. Nobody even knew about it, because I didn’t come home when I began to show. I continued attending college until the very end, determined not to lose time. It was a challenge, but I did it. Patrick left soon after signing all the papers.”
“Douchebag.”
She nodded, but then lifted a shoulder. “That was as much as he was capable of. I realize that now. We did an open adoption, but with the agreement that when Mollie turned five I would step back. I’m sure it’s awkward to have a birth mother hovering around, having to explain her presence to everyone, including Mollie. The compromise was that I could do blind visits. Whenever Carol took Mollie to the park or some public place, she’d let me know. I cherished the time I spent with her as a baby, and I came to realize that I wasn’t even close to mother material. But it still broke my heart. When she’s eighteen, she’ll be told the truth, and we’ll be allowed to get together if she wants.”
He saw the pain and the sacrifice in her eyes and the tight hold of her mouth. “And you love her.”
“Yes. Even though I don’t really know her. It hurts to watch her in a way that’s hard to describe, because it also feels so good. To see how she grows, wanting so badly to hear what she’s saying. I take in every aspect of her with hungry eyes. Which I suppose is what you picked up.”
Because I watch you with the same hunger.
She got to her feet. “This is why I feel so much older than you. I’ve made mistakes. I have a twelve-year-old child.”
“Babe, everyone makes mistakes.”
“What mistakes have you made?”
He stood, too, not letting her put a lot of distance between them. “I never got a girl pregnant and then left her to deal with it, that’s for sure. Son of a bitch. Did you have any support? I mean, emotional support.”
“It wasn’t like people came out of the woodwork to help out the knocked-up girl. I didn’t know a lot of people in college.”
“You wouldn’t have let them anyway.”
She started to protest but released a breath. “You’re probably right.”
“And here you are again, not wanting to let your friends support you during a tough time.”
Her eyes softened. “I let you in. A little, anyway. Well, a lot, if you consider the physical aspect.”
He had to wrap his hands around the branch overhead to keep himself from touching her. “Yes, you did. But you also let yourself out. And I was honored to be part of that.”
“Part of it? Hell, Tanner, you were the catalyst. I’m only like that, the dancing, letting loose, when I’m alone. With the music on loud and the blinds closed, once in a blue moon. I’ve never wanted a man the way I do you.”
“Grace, it’s the same for me. Not the dancing-around-alone part but the wanting you like I’ve never wanted a woman before. It’s not just your hot body or your beautiful face. It’s your smile, your laugh, and even the shadows in your soul, though I can’t quite figure that one out.”
Grace stepped closer, her eyelids growing heavy. She lifted her hand, paused, then touched his face. He held his breath, held his body in check. She was walking a tightrope, and he would not push her in any one direction. Her nose brushed his, her breathing came shallow and fast.
“Move,” she pleaded. “Move away, because I can’t.”
“I can’t, either, Grace. Sorry, I can be the one who holds back only for so long. I’ve touched you, tasted you, and no way in hell can I step away. Because all I want is more.”
She released a long breath right before her mouth crashed into his. She twisted her hands into his shirt and yanked him close. He crashed back, winding his fingers into her hair, dislodging the clip that held it atop her head. She jerked up his shirt and stroked the planes of his chest. His skin caught fire beneath her touch, his cock throbbing for more of what they’d had last night. The memory of her was all too fresh, hot, sweet.
She tugged his shirt over his head, tossed it to tangle in the branches of a nearby tree. As though she sensed his need, her hands slid, fingers first, down his stomach to his waistband over the material to stroke the rigid length of him. She unbuttoned his pants and peeled the waistband apart, pushed down his briefs to expose him to her touch. It was as though she hadn’t touched him before, or in years, the way his knees jellied in relief and need.
All the while her mouth worked his with a desperation that sparked the same in him. He had never been desperate for a woman, or for sex, ever. After a quick glance to make sure no one had wandered down the path, he yanked up her shirt, then her bra. He hungrily squeezed her breasts, brushing his thumbs across her nipples. She gasped softly in his mouth, and suddenly he wanted to make her gasp a lot harder, louder. He moved his hands down, undid her shorts, and shoved his fingers inside her panties. Silk on the back of his hand, soft hair against the front.
“Why, Madam Attorney, your briefs are wet,” he murmured between kisses.
She sucked in a breath as his finger slid across her slick folds. “And you are the perpetrator.”
His own breathing was picking up as she stroked, her thumb sliding over his head and that ridge of skin that made him more than a little crazy.
“You’re blaming me for this?” he teased, nudging her legs apart with his thigh and sliding his finger inside her canal.
“I hold you completely…c-completely responsible for bringing out this insane part of me. What is wrong with me? I actually want you to fuck me in a public park.”
“Because deep”—and he slid another finger inside and pushed in deeper on the word—“deep inside, darlin’, you are this amazingly sexual, wild woman who’s been shut down for way too long. Who�
�s been working too hard for too long for everyone else and not doing anything for herself. So let me do for you.”
“Oh, God, Tanner…”
She was stroking faster, syncopating with her breathing, mindless in lust now. He couldn’t let himself get that far. He would not let someone come up on them. Voices drifted from a near distance, and he shifted so that if anyone did turn onto the path they’d only see his backside. Not her at all.
The voices passed, faded. He doubted that she had even noticed.
He loved that she’d let go so totally, just as she’d done in PCB. Loved even more that she’d only let go with him.
Now he let her go, stroking her nub with his thumb as he thrust inside her with his fingers. She started to scream out, and he swallowed it. And came himself when her hand squeezed him hard and fast. They lost their balance somewhere along the way, falling into the bushes in a haze of lust.
He turned her so that she landed on him. Which might not be the softer option, he realized, but it was his instinct. To protect her. To soften her fall.
She burst out laughing as soon as they came to rest on a mat of leaves, her eyes wide in surprise. “I cannot believe we did this.” Now she thought to check over her shoulder.
“I’ve been keeping an eye on the path,” he said.
Her hand was still tight around his cock, though he’d pulled his hand free of her pants to brace for their fall. She rubbed her hand up and down his shaft, now sticky. “You are addictive and corruptive.”
“Back at ya, babe,” he said, leaning in for a kiss. “We’d better pull ourselves together. We can use the creek to wash up.”
He helped her to her feet and buttoned her shorts. She leaned forward and planted her mouth on his chest, her eyes closed, her arms around his waist. “Tanner.”
“Yes?”
“Tanner.” She breathed the word, a plea, a retribution, he wasn’t sure. Finally, she looked up at him. “What do you think of a woman who’d tell you to leave her alone and then attack you in a park? The truth. Am I as bad as one of those pro hoes? Like that woman who wanted you to screw her while she was strapped naked in your car?”
Falling Free ( Falling Fast #3) Page 17