by Indra Vaughn
“I think whenever you get used to something, things change with babies,” I told him.
“It’ll get easier once he starts on solid foods,” Mom said. She was wearing an orange rubber necklace, and Milo was happily mouthing on it.
“And when’s that?” I asked, touching one of the rubber beads. They felt kind of nice and springy, and my mind went to bad, bad places.
“When he’s about six months.”
Thomas stopped what he was doing. “That’s when his mom might want him back permanently,” he said.
Mom sighed softly, I took over the bottle making, and Thomas reached for Milo. “There’s no reason to believe she’s not going to want you in his life.”
“Yeah, but it won’t be all the time.”
“No,” I said, “but what if it’s every other week? Wouldn’t that be nice? You could spend half your time with him and half your time doing, uh, other things.” Mom gave me a disbelieving look, and Thomas seemed to have trouble not laughing. At least he didn’t seem sad anymore. “I mean, whatever, have time to yourself and stuff.” I rolled my eyes. “God.”
“We know exactly what you meant,” Mom said, and Thomas finally began to laugh.
“Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled. “Go to the living room, you two. I’ll have this bottle out in no time.”
Friday morning my alarm went off exactly one hour after I’d finally fallen asleep. Milo hadn’t woken up more than usual, but I’d had a hell of a time going back to sleep every time he did. I was in an awful mood when I rushed through my shower and hurried downstairs.
“Coffee?” Thomas asked when I passed him in the hallway.
“You’ll have to make your own. I’m late,” I snapped, and he gave me a startled look.
“I know. I made it, and I was offering you some,” he told me, stung. “I know this is difficult. We’re taking advantage of your kindness. Maybe it’s time we start to reconsider—”
“No,” I said desperately. “Please don’t reconsider anything. I want you here, and Milo too, I just . . . I’m a bit tired, okay? I—” My phone buzzed. “Shit, I have to go. They need me in Brussels today. Don’t—” I held up my hands as I walked backward toward the door. “Don’t leave,” I whispered. I couldn’t read his face in the dimness of the hallway, but I was out of time. The door closed behind me with a finality that scared me.
I had to work late because of course I did, and couldn’t make it home until it was time for Milo’s last bottle of the day. I found myself rushing through the door and into the living room.
“Is he in bed yet?” I needed to talk to Thomas, apologize for being so rude that morning, but I wanted to see Milo before he was in bed, so I could say good night too.
“Nope.” Thomas looked up from where they were playing on the rug in the living room. He smiled at me, but I couldn’t tell for sure if I was forgiven. “He rolled over today! I’m pretty sure it was accidental, but still.”
I bent down. “That’s awesome. Who’s awesome?” I lifted Milo’s right hand and gave him a tiny high five. “Yes, you are.” I leaned across Thomas, hesitated, then kissed him lightly. “I’ll change him,” I said, just as Mom walked through the door. I gave Thomas a hand up.
“And I’ll make his bottle.” He grinned a little knowingly, gave me a one-armed hug, and we turned to see my mother staring at us, looking mildly watery-eyed.
“Well,” she said, sniffing. “I think I’ll go home for the weekend. Call me if you need anything. Thomas, I’ll be back early Monday morning so you can get ready for work.”
“Wait!” I said, panicking as she disappeared into the hallway. She stopped with one foot on the marble staircase. “You’re leaving? For the whole weekend?”
“Sweetheart, you guys are doing great. You can handle a weekend by yourselves.” She pressed a kiss to my forehead and had one for Milo too. I thought back to that morning and didn’t think I was doing great at all. “I’m so proud of you, Oliver. Here.” She put the teething necklace around my neck. With that she disappeared up the stairs.
I hurried into the kitchen.
“She’s really leaving,” I told Thomas as he mixed formula. “For two whole days.”
Thomas smiled down at me. “I know you’re not half as panicky as you’re pretending to be. We got this. Together.” He held me tight, kissed Milo’s head, then turned to me and gave me a long, deep smooch that made my knees weak. “And,” he said, “it’ll be just you and me tonight if we manage to stay awake.”
“Oh,” I breathed.
He sobered a little. “I think we need to talk about how we’re going to move forward, though. I feel uncomfortable living here without contributing anything, and I know it’s causing friction between us.” He rubbed his palm over his jeans. “And the beginning of a relationship shouldn’t be like that, should it?” Thomas didn’t meet my eyes, and he had a faint flush on his cheeks.
“Do you . . . want to stop?” I asked, hating how small my voice sounded.
“No,” he murmured miserably. “I don’t. But I’m not quite sure how to make it work either.”
“Okay, well, after we put Milo to bed, we can talk. Is that okay?” I tried to sound calm and confident, but the anxiety that seemed to be ever present lately flared up wildly. I smiled at Milo. “Come on, Milo. Let’s get you changed and fed.” I was relieved when Thomas followed us upstairs.
We woke up in the guest bed a few hours later, Milo still soundly asleep in his crib.
“How did we get here?” Thomas asked groggily. “I don’t even remember lying down.”
He looked sleep-ruffled and warm, and I reached for him without thinking. His T-shirt felt so soft against my palm when I ran a hand over his chest, up his shoulder, to his neck. The daze in his eyes disappeared instantly, and he rolled over, half trapping me under him. Without a word he kissed me, his tongue slipping smoothly into my mouth, and I opened for him. He licked my tongue, nibbled my lips, ran his mouth along my jaw, until my toes were curling against the mattress and fire flared hotly in my belly.
“Thomas,” I whispered. “Can we move this into another bedroom?”
He lifted his head. Doubt clouded his eyes. “I feel like . . . we should talk first. The last few days have been so hectic. I want you. And I think you want me too, but—”
“Can’t that be enough for now? It’s not like we’re going to have time for a three-course meal with dessert on top, if you know what I mean.” I knew we needed to talk, but God, just for a little while I needed to feel good, everything else that clogged my mind be damned.
Thomas let his head thud down onto the pillow. “I really want that three-course meal,” he mumbled into the fabric, and I snorted, which turned into a moan when he shifted a little so I could feel his erection. “Okay, come on.”
He stood and tugged me up from the bed. By the light of Milo’s turtle nightlight, we watched over him for a minute, hand in hand, and I realized then that when the time came for Thomas to go home and take Milo with him, it would break my heart.
We went into his room, since it was closer to Milo’s room than mine, and took the monitor with us. I drew the curtains, turned on the bedside lamp, and felt incredibly awkward.
“I don’t know what to do now,” I told him.
He took a step toward me. “Can I hold you?” he asked.
“God, yes.” I walked into his arms, and he enfolded me, spreading warmth and safety and a slow burn of something oh-so-sweet through my veins. I buried my face against his chest, and he nuzzled my hair until I lifted my chin. He kissed me again. I slipped my hands under his shirt, a hint to see what he’d do, and immediately he stepped back and lifted his arms. I had to stand on my tiptoes to tug it off him, he was so tall, and I tossed it aside so I could bury my fingers in his downy, dark fur. It crinkled against my palms. His breath shuddered out of his mouth when my thumbs brushed his nipples.
“Can I take yours off too?”
I nodded and let my arms fall to the side. Somehow I
managed to still be stuck in my work shirt. He undid it slowly, one button at a time. When he was about halfway, he kissed my temple. I closed my eyes. He kissed my eyelids, my cheekbones, my jaw. He worked his way down my neck, spread my shirt, and kissed the divot between my clavicles. He kissed my breastbone, dropped to his knees, pressed his mouth to my stomach, and hugged me hard, resting his cheek against my belly.
I carded my fingers through his hair and waited. The moment felt loaded and my sinuses began to burn. I blinked so I wouldn’t cry, but my heart beat fast with overwhelming emotions.
“Thomas?” I asked.
He shook his head, pulled me down, stripped me of my shirt, and kissed me thoroughly.
“There’s a bed right therrr— Never mind,” I gushed when my back hit the thick carpet.
He spread my legs and lay down between them. We kissed until my face stung with stubble burn. I was so turned on by the time his hand began to inch toward my belly button, I could’ve waved a peace flag from my dick. And I was also babbling. It’d been so long since I had sex that I’d actually forgotten that was a thing I did.
“Oh God,” I heard myself say. “Yes, please keep going in that direction. Oh jeez, why is your hair so soft, it’s not fair, I really want to lick you all over.”
Thomas laughed against my neck, his breath cooling the path he’d been licking. And seriously, my dick was trapped between my stomach and my waistband now. I needed his fingers . . . one . . . inch . . . lower . . . and then . . . Milo began to cry.
“Gnnnnnoooooo,” I groaned pathetically. Thomas thudded his head against my shoulder three times before he rose to his feet. I spread my arms and legs wide and played dead.
“Oh, man,” he said. “Look at you. I want to—”
Milo cried louder.
I sat up and winced when my pants pinched my cock. “You change his diaper,” I said, resigned. “And I’ll grab two ice packs for blue balls.”
Thomas hauled me up. “You’re really something,” he murmured, and kissed me one last time.
On the upside, I did get my cuddle on the couch afterward. It was only midnight, and we had to be up again in about four to six hours, depending on when Milo decided we’d slept long enough, the little brat. I felt bad for my unkind thoughts toward the teacup human, but my balls really hurt.
“I don’t think this is going to be easy,” Thomas said against my hair. I rubbed the forearm he had wrapped around my chest, playing with the direction of his hairs.
“No, you’re right. Maybe we should ask my mom to babysit overnight one weekend, and we could go back to your place.”
Thomas bit my earlobe, and I yelped. “I meant this thing between us. You’re taking on a lot more than a potential new boyfriend.”
“A potential—” I sat up. “I know this part is new, but we’ve known each other for a long time, and the way I feel about you goes way beyond potential. And I was sort of hoping you felt the same.”
He threaded his fingers with mine as he smiled slightly. “I do,” he said. “I always have. And if it were just me, I’d jump into this with both feet. But it’s not just me anymore. Do you really want a boyfriend with a kid? And what if it doesn’t work out? Milo will become attached to you. He already has a mom and dad who aren’t living together. I don’t want him to lose you too.”
“Why would he lose me?” I asked him.
“If we broke up—”
I squashed the annoyance that threatened to bubble up and took a calming breath. Blue balls and tiredness really did a number on my mood. “Okay. I know you’re being responsible. But I’m not exactly known for my slutty ways.” I bit my lip when Thomas reared back a little, looking stunned. “Shit, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, why talk about breaking up already?”
“Because.” He blew out a deep breath and wouldn’t quite meet my eyes. “I know how I feel. It hasn’t changed over the years, no matter how I wanted it to. I know I’ve been sleeping around a lot but that was . . .” He shrugged, embarrassed. “When you asked me for a drink and I saw you sitting there with that sophisticated-looking guy, you were so obviously in love. I thought, ‘Yeah, okay, I can get over this.’ But I never did. And I don’t—” His dark eyes found mine. “Sam’s shoes are hard to fill. Why now, Oliver? After all these years, why now? What changed?”
Ah, the question I’d been dreading. I’d have to answer this one carefully—but truthfully. “I was with Sam at the time, and I was deliriously happy and in love, Thomas. I’m not going to deny it. Sam will always be part of me, somehow. If he were alive today, we’d still be together. But I also realized, having Milo here, that Sam never would’ve wanted this. And I do. I think if I had been single when you and I met, we’d have worked out too, and we would’ve been in this exact same position.” I wrinkled my face. “With less blue balls, hopefully. And maybe with a baby we adopted and not one you actually physically conceived.”
He laughed, and I took his hands in mine. I closed my eyes for this bit. “I’ve loved you as a friend and a person for years. I’ve been falling in love with you slowly over the last six months or so. When we talked every day while you were traveling, it was the highlight of my day. I couldn’t wait for you to come home so I could figure out some way to have you whisper in my ear at night for real. And then you met Stephen.”
“But you said you were glad I was with him.”
I glanced up. Oh, my gorgeous man. I kissed him lightly on the mouth, because how could I not with him looking at me as if I were an ephemeral dream on the verge of dissolving? “I saw you being happy. I wanted you to be happy, even if it made me sad. So, yes, Thomas, I’m in love with you and I want this.” I indicated the house, Milo, him, everything. “I want it all with you.”
“What about payment? I don’t want to live here rent-free, Ollie.”
“Okay.” I chewed on my lip. “Well, the truth is, I can’t afford to let you live here rent-free anymore.” Thomas startled a little, so I pushed on. “You know how Sam’s parents are trying to get the house?”
“Yes. The assholes.”
I smiled weakly. “If I fight them, there’s a big chance I’ll lose.”
“What? You never said anything about that!”
“I know. Anyway, my best bet is to pay them for fifty percent of the house and get a mortgage.”
Thomas whistled between his teeth. “For a house like this? That’s gonna hurt.”
“I know. I found one bank that’ll give me the loan, but it will be tight regardless.” Something I didn’t like to admit, but there it was.
Thomas took my hand in his. “I’ll pay what I can. It won’t be half your monthly payments, I think, because I still have my own rent to pay, but I want to help.”
“Thanks.” It didn’t sit right that I had to accept this, but I had no choice. Thomas squeezed my hand. I squeezed him back. I’d have to sit down and go through my finances tomorrow, and—
Thomas squeezed my hand again, so I looked at him.
He grinned. “Serious conversation over now?” His rakish smile made me feel giddy, and I laughed.
“Yeah, okay. Did you have something else in mind, maybe?”
He tackled me onto the couch and kissed me breathless. The weight of him grounded me, made me feel safe. I loved it. I loved feeling him like this.
“I don’t know what will happen with Milo and Liesbeth,” he whispered. “But I want this too.”
“If you give me blue balls again, I may actually cry,” I groaned when he dove back in. He laughed and peppered my face with kisses, but sat up in the end.
“We should probably go get some sleep.”
“Ugh. Yeah, okay.” I hesitated. “My room?”
I didn’t have to explain the note of doubt in my voice. He gave me that warm look of his and asked, “You sure?”
You don’t mind, do you, Sam?
“Yes,” I said, taking his hand to guide him upstairs. “I’m sure.”
He disappeared into his bathroom for a m
inute, and I got ready in mine. When I was done, I contemplated putting Sam’s picture away, and that’s how he found me.
He slipped his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck. “You can leave it,” he murmured. “You don’t have to put it away.”
“Okay, but maybe—” He let go of me when I lifted the photograph and put it on my dresser instead. “There. C’mere.”
I slipped into bed and held the covers out for him. He was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs, and I wished I hadn’t put on a T-shirt either. Our kisses were slow and sweet. We held each other as, in no time, we slipped into sleep.
When Milo wailed in my ear from the monitor, I opened my eyes with the thought that I missed the sound of my alarm clock. Thomas was already on his feet, but my whole body tingled with warmth, and I suspected he’d held me all night. I stretched, and my limbs quivered with pleasure. It’d been so long since I’d slept with the comfort of another man beside me. I’d missed it something fierce.
“I’ll get his bottle started and make coffee,” I said around a yawn.
Thomas leaned across the bed, kissed me morning breath and all, and smiled. “Morning, gorgeous,” he murmured.
“Aw, stahp.” I flattened my hair, but he ruffled it and left the room.
Milo was in a much better mood when he appeared in his daddy’s arms. He blew a raspberry at me and took a swing at Thomas’s nose.
“Oy,” I said, wriggling my finger against his tummy. “I happen to like that nose, so don’t you do any damage to it.”
“I think that’s the baby equivalent of a hug,” Thomas said a bit smugly.
“Whatever gets you through the day, babe.”
The rest of the weekend went by really well, not counting our little trip to Stijn’s bakery where Milo had a blow-out diaper the minute we walked inside. Our chocolate croissants didn’t appeal after that, but I told Thomas to wait for them to be wrapped up anyway, while I took Milo home and changed him.
We played in the yard with him, read books, pointed out birds, changed diapers, and cleaned spit-up from our hair, the couch, the floor, Milo’s nostrils. We walked miles and miles and miles, because while the bouncy chair was good for five minutes, Milo’s favorite thing was being held.