by Indra Vaughn
“What the hell?” I asked Imran. “What’s going on?”
He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “She wants commitment,” he said, and when he didn’t go on, I made a duh face.
“Uh, well, you’ve been together for years. You got her pregnant. How is it ridiculous that she wants commitment?”
“All I ever do is work, Ollie. I’m not ready to be tied down into a routine at home too.”
“Maybe you could’ve thought of that before she invested years of her life into a relationship with you,” Thomas quietly said.
Imran sneered at him. “You’re one to talk. Why the fuck did you have to sleep with her, huh?”
“Hey, that’s not fair,” I said and rose to my feet again. “You guys had broken up, she was feeling lonely, and one thing led to another.”
“That’s the oldest excuse I’ve ever heard,” Imran snapped.
“You’re saying you don’t want to commit!” I yelled. “But at the same time you don’t want her to see other people. And what? You can?”
“I never said that.”
“You need to make up your fucking mind. She’s a great person, and she deserves better.”
“It scares the crap out of me, okay? The idea of marrying and having babies, and basically being a slave to work and home life forever.”
“Sometimes you have to take a risk with the scary stuff to get to the good stuff,” I said. “Sometimes you need to decide whether or not someone is worth the risk. And it’s not fair to leave someone hanging while you take forever making up your mind.” I didn’t mean to, but I glanced at Thomas.
“What does that mean?” Thomas asked.
“I wasn’t talking to you,” I said, sharper than I meant to.
“Okay. I think I’ll be upstairs packing.”
Imran glanced between us, and Thomas rose to his feet. I wanted to stop him but didn’t.
“What the fuck?” Imran asked.
“None of your business,” I said tiredly. “Go talk to Cleo.”
It was time for Milo’s bottle, so I lifted him from his play mat and went into the kitchen. My heart ached like it hadn’t in a long time, but it ached for Thomas, not Sam. At least Milo kept me distracted as I waited for his bottle to heat.
When I heard the front door slam, I had no idea who’d left, but I doubted Thomas would go without Milo. Unless he’d gone to park his car closer to the house.
Cleo appeared in the kitchen and took Milo off my hands to change him. The bottle was done by the time she came back. Milo had his hand tightly clenched in her hair.
“So what’s it like? Living here with Thomas and . . . I can’t believe it . . . his son?” she asked.
“It’s . . .” I grinned at her. “It’s exhausting. And frustrating. On so many levels, Cleo, oh my God. Half the time I don’t know why Milo is crying, and the other half I’m suffering from blue balls.” She wrinkled her nose, but I ignored her. “And it’s perfect.” I flopped down on the couch so I could put my chin in my hands and look at her. I sobered. “I mean, it’s not anymore. I want Thomas to move in, and he’s reluctant. I can understand why, but it hurts my feelings anyway. And at the same time I keep thinking this shouldn’t be possible. To be this happy twice? I keep . . .”
I blew a breath through my nose, trying to put this heavy feeling in my chest into words. “I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like . . . I’m afraid to give it my all because no one gets to have this twice, do they? I mean, I want it. I want him so much, Cleo. But how? How could I? It doesn’t seem possible. We’re going to take some time apart. He’s packing right now.”
“He’s leaving?” She gaped at me.
“For now. We’re not breaking up.” I hoped.
“Aw, babe.” She nudged my side with her small foot and shifted Milo so she could burp him. “Happiness isn’t a finite thing. It’s not a purse that runs out of happy coins. Happiness is . . . what you put into the world. You’re such a good person, and you have such a huge heart. You’d find happiness in whatever you did or whomever you chose to be with. It’s not something that overcomes you. You make Thomas happy, and so he makes you happy in return. Of course you were going to fall in love again. But maybe he’s right. Moving in together after what you’ve been through, and with a baby in the picture—that’s pretty intense. I’m convinced you guys will work it out. Give it time. You two are so good together.”
“You think so?” I whispered.
She pressed her lips together, and I couldn’t tell if she was going to smile or cry again. “Do you love him?”
I laughed a little giddily and rested my head on my arms before lifting it again. “Yes,” I said. “I really do.”
The smile she offered was brittle at the edges, and the levity of the moment drained away.
“What’s going to happen now? With you and Imran.”
She shrugged, but one tear dropped from her eyelashes, and my heart ached. “I don’t know. I don’t know if we can come back from this. We’re going to talk when we get home.”
I walked her to the door. As she stood on the steps, she whirled around and said, “Next weekend we’re babysitting for you.”
“What?”
“We both have the weekend off. Take your pick: Friday or Saturday. Go out for dinner, spend the night together. You guys deserve a break. And a real date.”
I wasn’t going to pass up an offer like that.
“I’ll talk to Thomas and text you.” I wasn’t sure if he’d want to take her up on this.
“Do it. And text me photos of Milo too. What a cutie.”
“Isn’t he?” I asked proudly, like I had anything to do with it.
She reached out, and I hugged her.
“Take care of yourself, okay?” I whispered. “We’re here for you.”
“I’m so happy there’s a we again, Ollie. So happy.” She kissed my cheek, and then she was gone.
When Thomas came to find me, he was carrying three bags.
“Do you think you could give me a hand?” he asked.
I swallowed hard. “Of course.”
He put his bags down and cupped my face in his palms. “This isn’t the end, is it, Ollie?”
“I don’t want it to be.”
“Me neither. Maybe when we’re back on our feet a little bit, we can talk about buying a smaller house together. Something that just belongs to us.”
I reared back and inevitably pulled myself free from his grasp. “You want me to sell this house? After all I’ve done to try and keep it?”
He sighed, looking uncomfortable, but pushed on regardless. “I always wondered why you were so bent on keeping it, Ollie. You got yourself into some dire financial straits, and for what? Because you couldn’t let go of Sam? I don’t want to live in his shadow forever.”
I stared at him. “Is that what you think? I— Okay, I’ve had some trouble letting go, but I don’t think that’s hard to understand. It’s one thing to try and move on, which is what I’m doing, but you what? Want me to forget him?”
“No, of course I don’t. I’d never want you to forget him. It’s just . . . I don’t know. I don’t want to argue about this now.”
“Why not? Let’s just have it all in the open, Thomas. You’re about to leave anyway. You think I’m not letting go of Sam, and you’re what? A poor substitute?”
“I think,” he said calmly, “we’ve come together in very unusual circumstances, and we need a breather to put everything in perspective.”
“I don’t need perspective,” I said. “I know exactly what I want. You and Milo in this beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime house. And yes, sometimes Sam haunts me. Sometimes the past haunts me. If you’re going to hold that against any potential partner, you’re going to have a hard time finding someone. You know what I was thinking when I signed the contract with my lawyer, Thomas? What a gorgeous family home this would be. I wasn’t thinking of turning this into a mausoleum for Sam. He’s gone. He’s dead. No one knows that better tha
n I do.”
Thomas chewed the inside of his cheek, and his eyes were damp. “I love you, Ollie,” he whispered. “So much. That’s part of the problem.”
My throat felt scratchy and dry. “I don’t understand.”
“I know.” Milo began to doze in my arms. “I should put him in the car seat so he can nap on the way home.”
I nodded, feeling numb. “Do you have a bed for him?”
“A travel cot. It’ll do for now.”
“What . . . what happens next?”
Thomas stopped by the front door. “I heard Cleo say she’d babysit next week so we could go on a date. What do you think?”
One week without him? It seemed like eternity, but at least that meant he had hope.
“Sounds good,” I said.
He gave me a wan smile and walked out of the door.
I took Wednesday off because my anxiety was playing havoc with my stomach. Thomas had called last night to ask if I still wanted to go see Liesbeth with Milo and him. Even though it had only been a few days, I already missed them both so much I would’ve agreed to a bout of hot-coal walking.
Thomas arrived right before lunchtime. I was thrilled to the tips of my toes that he used his own key to let himself in. He walked into the living room, smile growing bigger with every step when he saw me waiting for him, curled up on the couch. Leaning upside down over the couch, he gently kissed me. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I breathed back. He was wearing Milo in one of those slings against his chest, and the sight did gooey things to my insides.
“I missed you.”
“Good. I missed you too.” I couldn’t take my eyes off him, and God. God. I wanted this. I wanted him back here. My house was lifeless without their light. “Hey, Milo.” I wiggled my finger, and he grabbed it while giving me a serious look.
“You ready for this afternoon?”
Ready to meet the baby mama? Nope, no, not at all. “Sure.”
Thomas’s eyes danced. “It’ll be fine. You’ll see. She’s nice.”
“Not too nice, I hope,” I grumbled. I’d said it as he turned away to the door, but apparently I’d underestimated his hearing. He stopped and came around the couch. He crouched, hands resting loosely on my knees. Milo waved a fist up and down, then stuck it in his mouth.
“Are you jealous?” he teased, poking my thigh.
I could feel my face go red all the way up to my hairline, and kept my eyes on Milo.
“Ollie?”
“Maybe,” I mumbled and played with a fine little thread coming loose in the baby carrier.
“Aw, love.” Thomas stroked my jaw. “You have no reason to be.”
I nodded.
“You sure you’re okay?”
I looked at Thomas, at this man with his kind eyes and easy smile, who made me feel safe and treasured in a way I never thought I’d have again. We’d gone through some tough times, but here he was, staring at me like I’d hung the moon.
“I’m fine,” I said.
He kissed me and lingered a little, let his tongue touch my lip until I opened for him. He made a soft noise and tilted his head—and then Milo smacked his chest.
“He wants me all to himself,” I said primly. “Don’t you, little boo? Yes, you do. And I don’t blame you. I’m fabulous.”
Thomas laughed softly, and I grinned at him, pleased with myself.
“Do you want some lunch?” I asked.
He glanced at his watch. “Sure, we have an hour or so before we need to leave.” He unstrapped Milo and handed him over to me. Didn’t even think twice about it, like he trusted me to the core with his child. It moved something deep inside me, and my throat tightened. “I’ll just take off my shoes,” he said and disappeared into the hallway.
One of the things Thomas had left behind was Milo’s bouncy chair. I dragged it into the kitchen so I could prepare lunch. I pulled a bunch of grapes from the fridge and rinsed them. “See these? These are grapes, and they’re super yummy. Soon you’ll get to eat some.” I studied one grape and frowned at it. “We’ll probably have to cut it into pieces at first. But won’t that be fun? You’re so lucky, getting to discover all these foods for the first time. These—” I reached into the fridge again “—are strawb—”
I caught Thomas leaning against the doorframe, watching me with a small grin on his face. “Don’t stop,” he said, waving at me. “I think I’m learning something here.”
I stuck out my tongue at him, but damn, he looked delicious. I pretty much forgot what I’d been about to say. He was wearing knee-length shorts and a soft, red V-neck shirt that showed a hint of his chest hair. I wanted to lay him down and feed him strawberries and lick the flavor from his everything.
“Guh,” Milo said, and I did a double take.
“He totally said ‘grape,’” I told Thomas. I bent down and bumped Milo’s fist. “You awesome, clever little dude.”
Thomas came up behind me and hugged me tight. “He did not say ‘grape.’”
“Yes, he did, you party pooper. Don’t you listen to your dad,” I told Milo. “You said ‘grape.’ I heard you.”
I didn’t know what to expect from the clinic. We drove for an hour to get there, and the entire ride over, Milo slept while I grew more and more anxious.
“What if she doesn’t like me?” I burst out when we pulled into a parking space in front of a building that looked like any other hospital I’d ever been to. I clutched my hands in my lap.
Thomas killed the engine and turned in his seat, resting one arm on the wheel. “She’s going to like you, Ollie. Who doesn’t like you?”
“Uh. Plenty of people? I make a point of surrounding myself only with people who do like me, but at work I come across idiots all the time. And in high school, nobody liked me.”
“Nobody likes anyone in high school. And you had Sam, so I’m sure it wasn’t all bad.”
I shrugged. “I guess.”
“Aw, love.” He cupped the back of my neck and pulled me close. “Liesbeth is going to like you. She’s going to see how great you are with Milo, and she’ll be put at ease. That’s all we’re doing here. She’s worried about strangers taking care of her baby. You understand that, don’t you?”
I looked over my shoulder, but Milo was tucked away in his rear-facing car seat and I couldn’t see him. “I do understand,” I said. “But you’re not living with me anymore, so what’s the point? Not that I don’t want to be here, but—” I looked away.
Thomas squeezed my knee. “I’m sorry this is hurting you,” he murmured. “It’s hurting me too. But I don’t know what else to do, Ollie.”
I nodded and pressed my lips together. This wasn’t the time or the place to talk about us. “Let’s go meet your baby mama.”
“Don’t call her that. She won’t like you if you call her that.”
I glared at him, one hand on the car door handle, and he laughed, leaned across the console, and kissed my cheek.
“You’re just too cute.”
I huffed, secretly pleased, and got out of the car. Milo was still fast asleep, but at least he was in one of those easy carriers I could lift from its base.
Whatever I’d been expecting from the inside, it hadn’t been a modern building that looked more like a stylish apartment complex than a clinic. Thomas signed us in, the nurse called Liesbeth to let her know we were on our way, and up the stairs we went.
The hallway was really quiet. Thomas walked with purpose, diaper bag slung over his shoulder, all the way to the room at the end. In the seat, Milo stirred a little but kept on sleeping. Thomas knocked on the last door to the right.
“Come in.”
He opened the door and stepped aside so I could go in with Milo first. The girl I remembered from the most awful night of my life was sitting on a neat, queen-size bed, reading a magazine.
“Hi,” she said, rising to her feet. She glanced at me briefly, but her eyes zeroed in on Milo almost immediately. “Oh, he’s sleeping.” She pressed her hand
s to her mouth. She had very small hands, I noticed, and thick, blonde hair that was almost wiry. Her blue eyes filled with tears. I set the carrier down. I felt a little pang in my chest, because she was awfully pretty, and she and Thomas would’ve made a really amazing couple.
Thomas came to stand beside me and put his arm around my waist as Liesbeth kneeled and gently stroked Milo’s fingers.
“Hey, sweet boy.” She looked up at us. “How long has he been asleep?”
“Nearly an hour and a half,” Thomas said. “He’ll wake up soon.”
She nodded as her gaze slid toward me. I held out my hand, and she shook it.
“I’m Oliver,” I said.
“I remember you.” She let go of my hand. “From that night. I’m really sorry about what happened.”
“Thank you.” An awkward silence fell.
“Do you have coffee, Liesbeth? I could make some.” Thomas gestured toward a little alcove to the right I hadn’t noticed before. In it sat a dining nook with counter space to the side. She had a sink, microwave, minifridge, and coffee machine. Tiny, but functional.
“I’ll do it,” she said. “You guys take a seat.”
On the other side of the bed were two chairs facing the window, so I picked up the car seat and carried Milo over. Liesbeth’s view was of the grounds—invisible from the street—and I tugged her sheer curtain to the side to have a better look. Below us lay a park with a winding path that led across the lawn toward a pond with the typical weeping willow.
“This is pretty nice,” I said to Thomas.
“Yes, it’s not a bad place to be.” He glanced at the kitchen. “Excuse me a minute.”
“Sure.” I sat down and waited while he went to talk to Liesbeth. The room wasn’t big enough that I could avoid overhearing, but I kept my gaze fixed on the window anyway.
“How are you doing?” Thomas asked her.
“Not bad. I miss Milo a lot, but I can see now that I made the right choice coming here.”