by Bob Stine
"Yes," Dark Helmet told him, "but he's got the upside.... I got the downside."
"Then how are we going to go in and get her?" Sandurz asked.
Dark Helmet thought for a moment. Then he had an idea. He threw back his head and uttered a long, evil laugh so that everyone would know that he'd had an idea. "We will not go in there," he said mysteriously.
"What?" Sandurz asked, confused.
"She will come out to us!" Dark Helmet declared, and did a little more evil laughing just for the heck of it.
Then he lowered his helmet visor, raised the ring, pointing it toward the two doors, and began to concentrate.
***
In the dark warmth of the cavern bedchambers, everyone slept. Dot snored her mechanical snores, her sleep mode sign blinking on and off. Nearby, Princess Vespa slept peacefully, too.
Suddenly, a familiar voice entered the Princess's dreams. "Vespa, my child - where are you?"
Vespa blinked and sat up, wide awake. "Daddy? Is that you?" she called softly.
"Vespa, it's your father, King Roland," the voice called. "Come to me."
Vespa's heart began to pound. "Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you?"
"Follow my voice," the voice of King Roland said. "Come to me. Come to me. Hurry it up, will ya?"
The Princess eagerly leaped from the bed. Following the sound of her father's voice, she opened the door to the bedchamber, headed down the silent hallways, and then up the steps to the front entrance.
Suddenly, Dot's alarm began to buzz. Her SLEEP MODE sign went off. Her eyes slid open. She looked around the dark bedchamber. Her gears began to whirr noisily as she realized the Princess was missing.
***
In the moonlit desert outside the cavern entrance, King Roland stood in all his royal splendor. He waited, a frown on his round face, until he heard the sound of a bolt being slid back inside. Then he smiled as the doors opened and Princess Vespa stepped out.
"Daddy! It's really you!" she cried happily, unable to believe her eyes.
"Come to me," King Roland said, beaming back at her, opening his arms wide.
The Princess, tears of happiness running down her cheeks, began to run toward her father.
***
Dot moved quickly through the cavern and stopped just before the outer doorways. She reached for two buttons on her side. One was labeled NORMAL VISION. The other was labeled ABNORMAL VISION.
She pushed ABNORMAL VISION. Her eyes began to glow with an infrared light. To her horror, she immediately saw that the Princess was not running to her father. Inside the welcoming figure of the king was Dark Helmet!
"No, Vespa! No!" Dot called out. "He's not really - "
A Spaceball trooper stepped out of the darkness and put a hand over Dot's mouth. He pulled open a compartment in her back and yanked out her battery pack. Dot froze in place, silent and lifeless.
***
Princess Vespa leaped into the king's waiting arms. Instantly, he transformed back into the evil figure of Dark Helmet.
"Ha-ha! Fooled ya!" he said.
Chapter 16
Too late, Lone Starr, Barf, and the Dinks came running out to rescue the Princess. They were just in time to see the Spaceball Star Cruiser blasting off with Vespa and Dot aboard.
"We've got to go after them!" Lone Starr cried.
"Good thinking, Boss," Barf agreed.
Yogurt loaned them a can of gasoline, which Barf quickly poured into the tank of the flying Winnebago.
"Remember - get to a gas station as fast as you can," Yogurt warned. "That gallon won't get you very far. You've got a long way to go to Spaceball City. And here...." He reached into the pocket of his robe, pulled something out, and tossed it to Lone Starr.
"What's this?" Lone Starr asked, turning it over in his hand. "Some sort of secret weapon?"
"No," Yogurt said. "It's just in case you get hungry. It's a fortune cookie. Be sure to open it before you eat it."
Lone Starr looked puzzled, but he stuffed the cookie into his pocket. "Well, we're on our way. Will we ever see you again?"
"Who knows?" Yogurt shrugged. "Here's hoping we'll all meet again in the sequel - Spaceballs Two, The Search for More Money!"
Yogurt stretched out his hand to shake Lone Starr's. "Good-bye, Lone Starr. And good luck."
Lone Starr shook Yogurt's hand solemnly. When he opened his hand, Yogurt's silver ring was on his finger. "Hey, Yogurt - the ring of the Schwartz. It's on my finger."
"Wear it in good health," Yogurt said. "It's you. It's really you." Then he disappeared into the depths of his mystical cavern.
***
Dark Helmet, laughing triumphantly all the way, guided Spaceball One with its two prisoners on board to his planet's capital, Spaceball City. Immediately after landing at Spaceball International, Vespa and Dot were dragged into the largest of the white Ping-Pong ball buildings.
There, in President Skroob's office, Dark Helmet began to put the next part of his ruthless plan into operation.
"Get her father, King Roland, on the televiewer," Dark Helmet commanded.
A few seconds later, the surprised face of the King appeared on the wallscreen. Roland's face quickly turned from surprise to anger. "Helmet, you fiend - what's going on?" he screamed. "What are you doing to my daughter?"
King Roland could see that his daughter the Princess had been strapped down to a tilted operating-room gurney. Beside her stood a doctor wearing a light green operating smock, mask, and cap. The doctor held a scalpel close to Vespa's terrified face.
"Greetings, King Roland," Dark Helmet said to the image on the wallscreen. "I'd like you to meet Dr. Philip Schlotkin. He's the greatest nose-job man in the universe. He's about to operate on your lovely daughter."
King Roland's eyes grew wide. His mouth dropped open in bewilderment. "Nose job? I don't understand," he exclaimed. "She's already had a nose job. It was her Sweet Sixteen present."
Dark Helmet's thin lips curled in an evil grin. "No. It's not what you think," he told the King. "It's a lot worse. If you don't tell us the combination to your planet's air shield ... Dr. Schlotkin is going to give her back her old nose!"
"No! No! Please! No!" Vespa and her father screamed together in unison.
"Yes!" Dark Helmet gleefully insisted.
"All right. I'll tell. I'll tell!" King Roland cried.
But Vespa courageously raised her head and shouted, "No, Daddy - no! You mustn't tell. What is my nose compared to the lives of millions of our people?!"
Her words made the King pause and think. "I guess you're right, my dear," he said finally. "I'll certainly miss your new nose. But I'll never tell them the combination to the air shield! Never!"
Hearing the King's defiant words, Dr. Schlotkin pulled the green mask off his mouth, and turned to Dark Helmet. "If you don't need me, can I go back to the golf course now?"
"Yeah, yeah. Get outta here," Dark Helmet said, disgustedly waving him away.
Dr. Schlotkin picked up his golf clubs from under the operating-room gurney and left. A few seconds later, the door swung open and in bounded President Skroob. "Well, Helmet? What's the combination?" he asked, rubbing his hands together eagerly.
"Well ... er ... uh..." Dark Helmet stammered.
"Your fershlugginer nose-job plan didn't work, did it!" President Skroob shouted. "I told you it wouldn't. I told you no one would pick a nose over millions of lives."
"Uh ... pick a nose, sir?" Dark Helmet asked.
"You know what I mean, Helmet," Skroob snarled. "Now, we'll forget your idiotic plan and do it my way. We'll use psychology."
"Psychology, sir?" Dark Helmet asked.
"Yes," Skroob said. "Send for the burning coals and the branding irons."
"Yes, sir." Colonel Sandurz, who had been watching everything from the far corner of the room, snapped to attention. "Karloff! Karloff!" he called.
"Yes, Master!" a voice boomed from the other room. In stepped Karloff, a huge monster of a man, wearing a traditional
torturer's outfit, pushing a wagon that contained a bed of glowing red coals and several hot branding irons. "Hot stuff coming through. Watch your backs. Hot stuff!" he yelled.
"Very good, Karloff," Skroob said, smiling. His smile faded as he turned to Lord Helmet and said, "Helmet, take one of those branding irons and write Skroob all over her face."
"NO!" the Princess and the King screamed at once.
"Yes, Mr. President," Dark Helmet said. "And I thought I was mean!" he told himself. "I'm Strawberry Shortcake compared to him!"
Dark Helmet pulled on black asbestos gloves and reached for one of the branding irons. He began to pull one out, but Karloff reached a big hairy hand over and stopped him.
"I'd use a nine-iron, sir," Karloff said. "It's a soft lie."
"Thank you," Lord Helmet said, and pulled a nine-iron from the fire. He gripped it tightly and approached the Princess.
"No, Daddy! No!" Vespa cried. "Don't tell them the combination - no matter what!"
But King Roland decided he had to give in. What if they were serious? Sure, no one had been serious for the first eighty pages or so of this book! But he couldn't take the chance....
"Stop! Don't do anything!" the King shouted, a sweat of fear breaking out over his forehead. "I'll give you the combination."
"That's more like it," Skroob said. He pulled out a steno pad and a pencil. "Okay. The combination. Let's have it."
"Okay, okay," the King said, sounding defeated. "The combination is ... one...."
Skroob repeated it as he wrote it onto his pad. "One."
Dark Helmet also repeated it and wrote it down. "One."
"Two..." King Roland continued.
"Two," repeated Skroob.
"Two," said Dark Helmet, writing furiously.
"Three..." King Roland added.
"Three," Skroob repeated.
"Three," Dark Helmet said, writing it down.
"Four..." said King Roland.
"Four," repeated Skroob.
"Wait - not so fast!" cried Dark Helmet. "I'm getting behind here. What was the last number?"
"Four," Skroob told him.
Dark Helmet frantically erased what he had written down and put in a four.
"Five," King Roland said. "That's it. Now you have it." He lowered his head, feeling ashamed.
"Five?" Dark Helmet asked. "Do I have it right? It's one, two, three, four, five?"
"Yep. That's it," President Skroob replied. "I've got a more complicated combination on my gym locker!"
"I've told you what you want," the King interrupted. "Please release my daughter."
"We will. We will," Skroob told him. "Just as soon as we get our air."
Chapter 17
The evening mist fell silently on Spaceball City, draping the Ping-Pong ball buildings in a damp curtain of twilight. Two uniformed guards patrolled the wall at Prison Ball Twenty-eight, laser rifles on their shoulders.
Suddenly, the sky was filled with the roar of a descending spacecraft. The Eagle Five parted the thick mist as it came down for a hard landing in the prison yard, next to a sign that read: NO PARKING 12 A.M. TO 12 A.M. MONDAY THRU SUNDAY.
The two guards quickly pulled the rifles off their shoulders. "Hey! Can't you read? No parking!" one of them yelled up to the cockpit of the battered Winnebago.
They yanked open the door to Lone Starr's spaceship and ran inside, rifles at the ready. "Hands up!" the first guard yelled. "You're under arrest for illegal parking!"
Inside the ship, a loud scuffle ensued. A few minutes later, two guards emerged from the ship and closed the door behind them. If anyone had looked closely, however, they would have noticed that one of the guards had a long, bushy tail!
Lone Starr and Barf, in their stolen Space-ball uniforms, made their way quickly into the Prison Ball. They hurried down a dark corridor until they came to a row of cells. A sign read: ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY, MAXIMUM SECURITY.
"Princess Vespa has got to be in one of these cells," Lone Starr said, pressing himself against the wall and motioning for Barf to follow him into the cell block.
Suddenly, they heard a booming, deep voice singing in one of the cells. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...."
"That can't be her," Barf whispered.
Lone Starr slid open a panel in the door to the cell. "...Nobody knows but me..." sang the deep voice. They could see that it was Princess Vespa.
"Whaddaya know?" Lone Starr shrugged. "She sings bass!"
The Princess spun around, and her eyes grew wide. "Lone Starr - how did you find us?" She smiled, and they exchanged loving looks.
In the corner of the cell, Dot came out of Sleep Mode, and her mouth whirred open in surprise. "Lone Starr! Barf! Where did you - "
Lone Starr raised a finger to his lips. "Sshh. There's no time to talk. We've got to hightail it! Come on!"
He turned a laser key in the lock, and the cell door slid open. They began to run down the corridor.
"Stop!" Dot cried suddenly, lights flashing on her side. "I'm picking up electronic vibrations. Let me take a quick check."
She pressed her abnormal vision button, and her eyes began to glow with infrared light. "I thought so," she told them. "There's an invisible alarm beam ahead."
They followed her down the hall. "It's right here," she said. "Duck under. Be careful."
Dot ducked under the invisible beam, followed by Lone Starr, Vespa, and Barf. Barf ducked low enough, but he forgot about his tail. Sticking up behind him, it broke the invisible beam.
BLAAAAT. BLAAAAAT. A deafening alarm echoed down the corridor.
"Whoops. Sorry," Barf said, lowering his head. "You said to hightail it. I guess I didn't exactly get your meaning!"
"Never mind that now!" Lone Starr cried, as the alarm continued to blare. "Just run!"
They ran around the corner, and were greeted by a series of laser blasts. Four Spaceball guards, their laser rifles aglow, blocked the corridor. Our heroes stepped back. But more guards were coming from behind them.
"We're trapped!" Vespa cried.
"I've got an idea that might work," Barf said. He reached up to the wall and ripped off a bunch of curved Mylar tubes.
"Barf, what are you doing?" Lone Starr asked. "This is no time for arts and crafts!"
"Watch this," Barf said. He darted his head around the corner and stuck his tongue out at the guards. "Nyah-nah, nah-nyaah-nyaah!" he called.
The guards replied with a barrage of laser blasts. The clever mawg stuck out the Mylar tubes. The deadly laser beams zoomed into one end of the tubes and then shot out the other, right back at the guards. In seconds, the guards had blown themselves to bits!
"Hey - good plan!" Lone Starr cried, slapping Barf on the back.
But they didn't have long to celebrate. A squad of guards was right behind them. Our heroes ran over the four zapped guards and kept going down the corridor.
"Uh-oh!" Vespa cried.
Ahead of them, two huge, stainless steel slabs, one from the floor, one from the ceiling, began to close and seal off the corridor.
"Go for broke!" Lone Starr yelled. "Everybody dive on three! Three!!"
Side by side in unison, all four of them performed a spectacular, professional gymnastic tuck, roll, and dive.
CLAAAANG.
The slabs slammed together. But our friends had just made it to the other side.
"We did it! We're home free!" Barf yelled.
But a voice in front of them told them he was mistaken. "Don't move or you're dead. We've got them, Captain!"
Chapter 18
The Spaceball Captain of the Guard, grinning in triumph, stepped up behind our four captured heroes.
"Sensational stunt, my friends," he said. "But it was a waste of time. Now clasp your hands behind your heads and slowly turn around."
The four prisoners clasped their hands behind their heads and slowly turned around. As they did so, the Captain's eyes bugged out of his head.
Standing before him were four men. E
ven the Princess was a man wearing a long, curly wig. He was badly in need of a shave, and smoking a short, black cigar.
"YOU IDIOTS!" the Captain exploded at his guards. "These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area! Find them! Find them!"
***
Having pulled the old stunt double switcheroo, Lone Starr and the others ran out of the Prison Ball and through the yard to the waiting Eagle Five. The alarm wailed loudly. Laser fire streamed through the air.
A laser blast hit the radio-TV antenna on top of the flying Winnebago. Another blast hit the door, fusing it to the side of the ship.
"We can't get in! The door is jammed!" Dot cried.
"Here. You hold them off," Lone Starr said. "Barf and I have to try to unjam the door."
Barf and Lone Starr tossed their rifles to Dot and the Princess. Vespa looked at the rifle in her hands and made a face. "Guns. Oooh, gross." She held it as if it were a smelly, dead fish. "I'm not shooting this. No way."
The troopers were advancing, firing their laser rifles. Dot took her rifle and began to shoot back. "No way," Vespa said, refusing to use her gun. "I don't believe in guns, you know. They're so ... so violent."
Suddenly, a Spaceball laser ray came close, burning a tiny wisp of her hair. The Princess grabbed at the frizzed end, and her eyes grew wide in horror and disbelief. "My hair! Those creeps shot my hair!"
She dropped to one knee, raised and aimed the rifle, and in expert military fashion, fired off a series of quick rounds. One by one, the troopers dropped, mowed down by Vespa's deadly accurate barrage.
When the last trooper had been blown away, Vespa turned to Lone Starr. "Was that all right? Did I do okay?"
"Uh ... sure. Not bad...." Lone Starr had a little difficulty talking with his mouth hanging open in amazement.
He and Barf finally managed to pull the door open, and the four of them shoved into Eagle Five, closing the door behind them. A few seconds later, they lifted off, glad to leave Spaceball City behind.
Lone Starr and Barf sat in the cockpit, manning the controls with the Princess and Dot leaning over their shoulders. Lone Starr picked up the microphone and tried to make contact with Planet Druidia.