“River, it’s Raven.”
37
MISSI
Hudson’s eyes fly open and for a second I’m caught in the spotlight of his gaze, exposed and laid bare by my admission to him. I can see when the pain overrides the shock, because he screws his eyes shut tightly before prying them open again, squinting up at me like I’m a stranger. Watching the hurt and confusion vie for dominance makes me wish I’d kept my secret to myself. Have I hurt him more by telling him that I’m his Raven?
I’m his Raven. He knows me more intimately as Raven than he’s ever known me as Missi, no matter that we’ve shared our bodies. Raven has exposed her soul and her darkest thoughts to River. But is he River? Or is he Hudson? And which Hudson would he be? My childhood protector or this broken man lying in front of me? I feel like there are three different versions of each of us; childhood siblings, chatroom soulmates, and confused adult lovers. I don’t know any more who we are.
He’s struggling to push himself off the pillows. “No,” he gasps, my revelation pushing strained air from his lungs. He shakes his head in disbelief and winces from the effort.
“Yes,” I whisper, laying my hands on his chest, urging him back to the pillow. I smooth his hair and drape the cool, damp cloth over his forehead again. “Please stay still. Rest.”
“But how did you…?” he starts.
“I’ll talk to you, Hudson…River…if you’ll stay still and rest.”
He makes a small agreeable noise in his throat, his hand reaching out and searching for mine, threading his fingers around mine when he finds it. This is the touch I’ve wanted from him all along. This accepting gesture he’s made to me in this moment melts my insides.
I take a deep breath. “I’m not entirely sure where to start.”
He gives my hand a squeeze.
“First thing, I didn’t know who you were until after I met you at the club and we’d already slept together. Okay? I truly had no idea until I saw the picture hanging by the staircase. I just need you to know that.”
He nods at me then waits for me to continue. I clear my throat, not sure how much to say, but I decide to just get it all out, everything I’ve been going through and how I feel about him. It’s time for me to stop hiding. I’ll tell him everything about me and then I’ll tell Flint. After they hear my story they can either accept me for the flawed and scarred woman that I am or they can let me go. The choice is theirs. I just hope that I’m their choice.
“I started going into chatrooms because I needed… something, some connection, something human, someone human. I’m so alone. I’ve been alone, and lonely, for so long, Hudson. We’re alike that way, you and I. I think that’s why we connected so quickly and deeply. Both of us knew the other was searching for something. I found that something in you. When I was talking to River, to you, I wasn’t lonely anymore.”
He sighs and pulls me closer, wrapping his hand around my wrist, his fingers closing over the spot where my blood trips through my veins in double time. Just that small touch is enough to ease the pounding rush.
“I can’t have any friends, any true connections, because of Donnie, my foster father.” Hudson presses on my wrist again. “He’s bad.” Hudson’s mouth tightens, pulling into a thin line, but he doesn’t say anything.
“I ran away from Donnie when I was sixteen. I’d been with him for two years by that point and they were the longest two years ever. He’s a horrible person. He gets his kicks out of hurting people smaller and weaker than him. He beat his wife, he beat his kids, he beat his foster kids, hell, he beat his dog.” I stop and pull in a shaky breath.
Hudson is still and silent, waiting for me continue.
“He gambled away everything he had and most of what we had, too. We starved so he could play cards or hit the track. He was always convinced his big break was just around corner…and when it didn’t happen it was always someone else’s fault, always our fault, especially mine. And he let us know, let me know, with fists and boots, how he felt when I failed him. He…burned me. With cigarettes. All across my chest so I’d be too ashamed to let anyone see. So I wouldn’t be a whore.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Hudson whispers.
I pull my hand away and dash the backs across my cheeks, smearing at the tears. I haven’t cried this much in years.
“He, he…” I falter, not wanting to finish but I need to let Hudson know exactly who I’m dealing with when it comes to Donnie, “he…raped me…when I was almost fifteen. He raped me and used me and later, when he needed more money for the bookie he sold me to his friends. That’s why I ran. And that’s why he wants me back. I’m valuable to him and I wounded his ego when I took off. He’ll do anything to get me back. He’s never going to let me go, never going to stop looking for me. That’s why I haven’t seen my friends in years. I don’t want him coming after people I care about.”
Hudson makes a strangled sound and I see his eyelashes darken where the tears are starting to gather.
I brush at his face. “But then I found you. I found River and you saved me from some of the darkest moments in my life. When I talked to you, I could be me. I had some happiness. You gave me something to look forward to.”
I lean forward and press a soft kiss onto his lips. “I love you. As River, as Hudson, as you are right now. I love you.”
I drop my head to the bed and let my tears salt the blanket. Hudson grasps my arms and pulls, with the little strength he has, until I’m on the bed next to him. I roll over so he doesn’t have to, and he wraps me in his arms, pulling me to him as tightly has he can. He smooths my hair from my face and dries my tears with his fingertips.
“I’m sorry, little bird,” he says. Hearing his pet name for Raven wrings another sob from me. I know he’s truly accepted who I am now. I know that from now on, no matter what happens, I’ll be here, with Hudson.
“There’s no reason for you to be sorry, Hudson. You haven’t done anything.”
“Exactly, I haven’t done anything and I should have. I should have found you. I should have gone to your new foster home and taken you with me and Flint. After I stomped the shit out of Donnie.”
“A couple of barely legal dudes with a twelve-year-old girl in tow? That would have been priceless….and illegal.”
“Doesn’t matter. You managed to make it on your own. We could have, too. I didn’t fight hard enough, hell I didn’t fight at all. I should have found you.” He pounds his fists into the bed, thumping uselessly against the soft blankets. “I should have been there to protect you.”
“Hudson, you were a kid, too! There’s nothing you could have done. You would have gone to jail if you’d come for me.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me. One thing Donnie taught me, life deals the cards and we have to play with what hand we’re given.” I shrug like I don’t care. “I lost most of my hands, but it looks like my luck might be changing.”
He gives me a sad smile and sags into his pillow. I snuggle against him and stroke his forehead, humming soft wordless sounds. I watch his face relax into sleep, and I lean up to pepper his face and lips with light kisses. When I look up, Flint is in the doorway, watching us with an unreadable expression on his face.
37
FLINT
I’ve been here the entire time and heard everything. I can’t believe what Missi has survived. She’s stronger than I ever gave her credit for. Our little sister, dealing with so much savagery on her own. How she escaped is beyond me. How she’s survived all this time on her own is a miracle.
When she slips out of the bed and comes to me I don’t ask her about it. She was ready to tell Hudson, now I want her to find enough trust to tell me too. I know she’s going to have questions about Hudson. I half expect her to be angry especially when I tell her that I can’t give her the answers she needs.
She wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my chest. It’s not what I was expecting, but I’ll take it. I hold her tightly, her
hair tickling my chin where it rests against the top of her head.
She looks up at me, her blue-green eyes filled with sadness, “He’s sick, isn’t he?”
I clear my throat. I can’t answer this for her.
“What’s wrong with him, Flint?”
I promised Hudson when he was first diagnosed that I would never tell anyone what was going on with him. It’s his life and it’s not my right to tell. I’ve never broken a promise to him and I’m not about to start now. Especially one as important as this. Not even for Missi.
“I’m sorry, Missi. I can’t tell you, not unless Hudson wants me to.”
She shoves me away, glancing back to make sure Hudson is still asleep, her voice low and vicious with her anger. “I have a right to know! He’s my brother, too.”
I catch her wrists before she starts to pummel me with her tiny fists. “I know, but I promised…”
“Promised, my ass! I need to know what’s going on with him, Flint. I love him.”
“I know you do, Mississippi. So do I.”
“Then tell me, please. I finally found you both after all these years and now I feel like it’s going to slip through my fingers again.” Teardrops silver her eyes, turning them to shimmering pools of sadness. I can’t do this. I can’t keep his secrets anymore but I can’t tell her either. Being between the two of them is ripping me apart. I don’t know what to tell her but I can’t tell her the truth right now. Hudson should do that. I sigh and step away from her.
“You won’t tell me? Don’t you think you owe me that much?”
I look away from her. If I face her she’ll see the truth in my eyes.
“You asshole,” she grinds out. She starts to swing at me with one of her small, clenched fists when a strangled, gargling groan from Hudson snaps us both toward the bed.
We rush over and I bend over him, pulling the blankets away. That’s when his body tenses, muscles locking, his mouth a rictus of pain. I know then he’s having a seizure.
He begins to thrash uncontrollably, sputtering groans pouring from between his clenched teeth. When Missi reaches out to touch his leg I snap out of my daze, yelling for Red. Hudson’s cell is on the bedside table and I grab it, punching in 911 while Hudson continues to jerk uncontrollably. Missi is frozen, standing helplessly to the side. Huge tears pour down her face. If she needed confirmation that Hudson was sick, she just got it.
Hudson is beginning to calm, the seizure loosening its grip on him. His face slackens as he slips in and out of consciousness. I throw down the phone and roll him to his side, checking to make sure his breathing is clear. Missi stands at the end of the bed watching, understanding dawning on her face when she realizes this isn’t the first time I’ve helped Hudson after a seizure. I check his pulse. It’s stuttering, his heartbeat skipping in and out of time. His eyes have rolled back into head, the whites flittering beneath the slits in his eyelids.
“Hudson?” I shake his shoulder. “Can you hear me?” I’m not getting any response from him. Fear slams into my gut.
This time was bad and I don’t know how long we’re going to have to wait. I can’t think. I can’t look at Missi without breaking apart. I keep my hand on Hudson’s shoulder, holding tight so I can feel when his breathing slows. I hold tight because he’s my brother and letting go just isn’t an option. My throat burns because all of the thoughts I’ve pushed aside for so long are there at the edge of my mind, forcing their way in. How life will be when my big brother isn’t around anymore. What it will be like to have no family left.
I hear the sirens now, see the red lights cutting across the windows as the ambulance tears up the drive. Red is downstairs, opening the front door to let the paramedics in, shouting directions, telling them which room we’re waiting in.
A woman in a blue uniform pushes through the door with her medical bag and shoves me to the side. Two men follow with a portable stretcher between them. I stand back, helpless and terrified, watching them work feverishly over Hudson, stretching an oxygen mask over his face and starting an IV in his arm.
Watching the needle slide into his vein brings it home for me and I almost buckle then, because I know the possibility of losing my brother has never been more real than it is at this very moment. This could be the last time I see him alive. All these months of waiting and dreading have condensed down to this. Hudson, white and unresponsive with his shirt cut open, being hoisted onto the gurney while these people I don’t know spout medical babble into their portable radios.
I take everything in. Missi, frozen at the end of the bed, knuckles white as she grips the bed frame as though it’s the only thing keeping her standing. Red, pressed into the wall near the door, watching everything, ashen-faced. Hudson, lying under the white paper blanket. My tears come hard and fast now because something in my gut is telling me that today is the day that I’m going to lose my brother for good.
38
RIVER ENTERS THE CHATROOM
River: You ever wonder what it's like on the other side?
Raven: Of the city?
River: No, Little Bird. Heaven.
Raven: I didn’t take you as a believer.
River: Do I come across as a heathen?
Raven: Yeah. A sex-crazed worshiper of the flesh.
River: Very funny. I’m being serious.
Raven: Shit, River. I don’t know. I think if there was a God, he’d be thinking about making life better for all his creations. Seems kind of messed up to have people suffering here so they can go to some place better in the future.
River: I had this dream…
Raven: Bet it involved sex.
River: No sex. Just this place where all the wrong things in my life were suddenly right.
Raven: What do you mean?
River: My mom was there. She looked different. Healthy. She was dressed smart and she was holding a nice purse.
Raven: And you thought that you were in heaven because your mom was shopping at a different store in your dreams.
River: It wasn’t just that…
Raven: You’re serious, aren’t you?
River: I have this big problem in my life, Little Bird, and in my dream it was gone.
Raven: And that was enough to get you thinking about heaven.
River: It was, baby. It was.
39
MISSI
After the ambulance leaves with Hudson strapped down and covered in tubes in the rear, and Flint hovering over one side, Red leads me to a black SUV parked in the front drive. By the time we make it down the curving drive, the ambulance is long gone, sirens fading into the distance, the red flashing lights no more than smears across the night sky.
Hudson is dying. I don’t need Flint to tell me that. I don’t need him to break his promise to protect some secret Hudson made him keep. And honestly, I should have known. All the times in the chatroom, telling me he wasn’t going to be around. Did I honestly think he meant he was moving away? I know now that’s the only reason he wanted to meet me at Club Forbidden. He wanted to tell me goodbye because he knew his time was running out.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I realize that I’m going to lose my Hudson.
He’s the greatest gift I’ve been given in my life.
It’s all clicking into place in my head, the pieces lining up and snapping together perfectly. He’s known all along. He tried to keep some human contact with the anonymous hook-ups, pleasure without the emotional commitment, but he didn’t realize that the whole time I was falling in love with him online. Falling in love with the real him, the raw him, and now I’m going to lose him.
I glance over at Red who’s watching the road intently, swerving around slow moving cars with ease. I want to ask him for the truth, but I don’t know if he’s bound by the same promise Flint made. These boys take their loyalty to each other seriously. And I’m not even sure I want that confirmation. I feel it in my heart but I don’t know that I’m ready to hear the truth from the mouth of someone who is irrefutable.
It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing that if you just put your foot over the edge a little bit, that you’re going to regret it.
I sit back in my seat, rubbing my hands over my arms to chase away the chill bumps cropping up over my body. The oily, black road is disappearing under the tires and I will the miles to hurry up and slow down. Take me to Hudson but shield me from the pain of the truth. It takes forever and yet the ride is over too soon by the time we pull into the hospital visitor parking and rush to the door.
Inside we locate a nurse at the information and ask her where they’ve taken Hudson. She directs us up three floors where we find Flint pacing in the waiting room. There’s no one else there, and at this time of night the lights have been dimmed. There’s a medicinal scent of alcohol in the air. A soda vending machine hums in the corner, one of the neon lights flickering off and on. I pull Flint into a quick hug. “What have they said? Is he okay? Can we see him?”
“We can’t see him yet. The doctor hasn’t been down since we first got here.”
“Flint, you have to tell me now. Tell me what’s wrong with him. Please?”
Flint sighs and scrubs his hands over his face, defeat etching lines across his forehead. “I promised I wouldn’t…”
“Please, Flint. It’s too late to worry about promises now. We’re in the hospital…and I love him. Please don’t keep this from me.”
He slumps back into a chair and cradles his face in his hands as though the weight of the promise is too much. “He has a tumor,” he whispers. “A brain tumor.”
A tumor. I don’t think there is anything that can prepare a person for those words. A sob escapes my lips because in my mind I’d prepared for the worst, but to hear it, to know for sure, is too much. My knees crumple and I hit the floor, the linoleum cold against my palms. I breathe deep, trying to control the panic in my chest. Flint slips to the floor next to me and rests his hand on my shoulder. Red is there too, his arm around my back as I weep. My mind is filled with questions that my mouth can’t ask. Is the tumor inoperable? Has he had treatment already? Is there anything the doctors can do?
FOSTER BROTHERS - A MFM Menage Romance Page 13