by Glynna Kaye
“A reminder. I got into it for the fun with my friends. The competition. The risk. Then I went overboard for a while, got caught up in the lifestyle, but after a few setbacks, a wake-up call, I recognized the direction I was heading and halted it. I wasn’t a gambling addict, Tori. But it could have gone that way.”
“My parents were gambling addicts,” she said without emotion. “It destroyed their marriage. Our family.”
He stared at her a long moment, processing her words. “I’m sorry you suffered from their mistakes. Please believe me when I say I was nothing like that. I’m not like that now.”
It appeared, though, that Therese and Ray still had their doubts.
But something else Sawyer had said that afternoon weighed more heavily on her thoughts than this dismaying confession. “You know, Sawyer, you’re not the only one in the world who hasn’t had prayers answered the way they wanted.”
“I’m well aware of that.”
“My parents’ divorce was a traumatic event in my life,” she plunged on. “And believe me, even at such a young age, I prayed.”
“I—”
“Grandma raised me,” she continued, driven to make her point. “I had a wonderful childhood and happy years with her, for the most part. And then she got sick and died. I prayed then, too. I didn’t want her to die.”
“Tori—”
“Late last summer things started getting bumpy with my fiancé, the man who swore up and down he’d love me forever. He said he needed some space, so I came to Hunter Ridge to help Sunshine with Tessa and give him that requested breathing room. I prayed. Later that fall, he dumped me. And you know what?” She poked her index finger firmly into Sawyer’s solid chest. Once. Twice. “I may not have gotten everything I’ve dreamed of and prayed for, but when I made a commitment to God to trust Him when I was thirteen years old, I meant it.”
“I’m sure—”
“I’m not telling you this to make light of your losses, Sawyer.” She pushed her finger more firmly into his chest. “But I think your problem is that you’re afraid to pray, to ask God to be more involved in your life because you know that might mean having to give up your self-delusion.”
“My what?”
“The delusion that you’re the one who’s in control. That you call the shots. Run your universe.”
From the look on his face, she could almost hear his defense mounting. What was the point of involving God when for the most part he could handle things himself?
Then to her surprise, he gently took her hand in his, easing the pressure on his chest. “You’ve given this a good deal of thought.”
“I have.”
“Anything else you’d like to say?”
“Plenty, probably.”
“I want you to know, Tori, that when I said I wanted to be there for the boys when the same realization slams into them that slammed into me about the whys of their parents’ deaths, and said I didn’t know what I’d say to them, I didn’t mean that in a negative way.”
“Right.”
“No, really. I’ve thought about what Dad would have wanted our relationship to be if he were here to give me guidance.” He gently squeezed her hand. “I’m not their father and they’ll look mostly to Ray as they grow up. But I’m serious that right at this moment I don’t know what I’d tell them. How I’d explain it. Because this is an area God is working with me on and I don’t have all the answers yet.”
She sighed and pulled her hand away. “Sawyer, we’ll never have all the answers.”
“I’m coming to recognize that. But I guess what I’m saying is... I need you to be patient with me right now. Please don’t judge. There’s lots of baggage to work through.”
Chapter Thirteen
If she hoped for a more reassuring response, Sawyer couldn’t offer that to her. But he wanted her to know that while he wasn’t there yet on trusting God, deep down he wanted to be. He’d long envied others their faith.
She momentarily stared down at the ground, then back up at him. “I’m sorry, Sawyer, if I’ve come across as judgmental. I don’t mean to be.”
“I know that.” Why was it important that she understand, though? That she not write him off. That she not dismiss him from—what? Her mental list of potential replacements for her fiancé? Which was crazy. She was nothing like what he thought he’d be looking for in a life partner. He imagined he didn’t fit the bill for her either. So why couldn’t he get over that need to please her? To want her to admire him. Trust him.
“Sawyer...sometimes I sense that you’re not happy with the world around you. Not happy with yourself. That concerns me. I know you don’t want that rubbing off on the boys.”
No, he didn’t.
He’d never thought of himself as an unhappy person. Life had been good for the most part—up until the fire. Had she picked up on the down days that he sometimes experienced because of that reality? Had the boys?
“I want you to be happy.” Her words came softly, and he leaned in ever so slightly, not wanting to miss a single precious syllable.
To his surprise, with her gaze searching his, she cupped the side of his face in her hand. Warm. Soft. The sweet citrusy scent of perfume on her wrist filled his senses, heightened his awareness of her to the exclusion of all else. Shut out the chill in the air. The stars overhead. The ache in his heart.
He wanted to be happy, too. And right this minute, he felt happier than he had in a good long while. What was it about Tori that made him want to be a better man—and gave him hope that he could be?
Closing his eyes, he reached up to take her hand in his. Pressed a tender kiss to it.
He heard her soft gasp, but she didn’t pull away. And when he opened his eyes once again, she was still there. Eyes wide with surprise. Lips slightly parted. She wasn’t a figment of his imagination.
For a long moment, they gazed silently at each other. Could she hear his heart hammering in his chest? Did she sense how he longed to pull her into his arms? How desperately he wanted to kiss her?
He had no right to be thinking those things. They’d known each other but a short while. She’d given no indication of interest in pursuing anything but friendship. Did she sense a growing attraction between them—or was it wishful thinking on his part? Would exploring the possibility with a kiss be entirely out of line?
His heart swelling with anticipation, he searched her eyes for the answer. Gave her hand an encouraging squeeze.
But to his disappointment, she abruptly looked away. Slipped her hand from his. “Sawyer—”
Hopes doused, he took a step back. “You don’t need to say anything, Tori. I understand.”
All too well. She’d recently come away from a disappointing relationship. He was not only her employer who was struggling financially, but a former gambler like the parents who’d caused her much heartache, his faith still a wavering question mark. He couldn’t blame her for hesitating to take their growing friendship to another level.
“I was only going to say—” she called almost playfully, yet her eyes were anxious as she suddenly turned and started back to Rusty’s “—that your carryout is getting cold.”
But not as cold as the chill settling into his heart.
* * *
He would have kissed her—if she’d let him.
That was one thing Tori was certain of. What she wasn’t sure of, though, almost a week later, was why she hadn’t let him.
Now, bumping along a narrow forest service road with the boys safely secured in booster seats in the back of Sawyer’s crew-cab pickup, she couldn’t help glancing at the man whose eyes were steadily focused on the winding dirt road.
As if sensing her attention, he smiled at her. “Don’t look so nervous, Tori. This is only a dry run.”
He was right. Th
is wasn’t a real camping trip, merely a few hours to get the boys accustomed to something more rigorous than the city park.
“I’m not nervous. This will be fun.”
But gazing out at the endless ponderosas, she couldn’t help but feel uneasy. Should she have run this spur-of-the-moment outing by Ray and Therese first? They’d left that morning for a two-day visit to Tucson to see an MS specialist at the university hospital. When she’d shown up at the Outpost with the boys this afternoon, one thing led to another and the next thing she knew, the twins had talked their big brother into taking them fishing.
It sounded like a good idea at the time, so she’d gone along with it, not wanting to disappoint any of the three Banks brothers. But now that they’d left town, the boys chattering excitedly, she had her doubts. Did that stem from the twins embarking on a miniadventure without consulting their grandparents or was it because things still seemed uncomfortable between Sawyer and her?
They’d had few one-on-one chats when she’d come in to the Outpost on the days she was scheduled to work. Diego or Les always seemed to be around. More customers were putting in an appearance. Conversation remained shallow.
What would they have to say to each other anyway?
She couldn’t walk up to him and announce that he’d caught her off guard the evening they’d run into each other at Rusty’s. That she’d had time to rethink things—and now how about a do-over?
Was that what she wanted? For Sawyer to kiss her?
She glanced in his direction again, enjoying his back-and-forth with his brothers as they asked questions about fishing. He laughed with them. Teased. Kissing Sawyer would be time well spent; that she was sure of. But she needed to establish her quilting business before she could think of being ready for another relationship.
When Heath had pointed her to the door last autumn, he’d insisted it was because she didn’t have a life of her own. That she’d put too much of herself into his. Of course, that may have been an excuse to let himself off the hook. She’d heard he’d started dating one of his waitresses shortly thereafter. Maybe he’d had his eye on her for some time and needed a reason to move his faithful fiancée out of the way. But his accusing words had clung to her like superglue.
Was that because there was truth in them?
Had she given up her quilting business too easily? Should she have stood her ground when he’d pooh-poohed it, demanding more and more of her time and energy to get his restaurant launched? Had she used involvement in his business as an excuse to let her own dreams slip away because deep down she feared she couldn’t make it work without Grandma?
It was her own fault, though, that Sawyer had assumed cradling his face in her hand signaled she was ready for something more than friendship. But it had only been a gesture of comfort, right?
“Here we go, boys.” Sawyer turned off the road and onto an even less used one. Up ahead they could see a small clearing and a good-sized pond. “Kyle assures me it’s been restocked with fish.”
Clapping from the backseat returned her firmly to the present. She wouldn’t let her mixed-up emotions ruin these few hours of fun for the boys. All three of them.
“Now remember what I said.” Once they’d parked she held open the back door as Cubby and Landon clambered out. “Stick close. Stay where we can see you. Don’t pick up snakes or eat anything with legs.”
The boys giggled, as she’d intended.
Sawyer had slathered their exposed skin with sunscreen before they left town. Although it was a moderately warm day in April—midsixties—at this elevation the sun was intense. He’d provided new ball caps, as well. And sunglasses. Both boys were layered with T-shirts, sweaters and windbreakers. Heavy-duty hiking boots.
“Everybody have your fanny packs?” Sawyer unloaded a tackle box and fishing poles, then snagged two pint-size life jackets. “Water? Snacks? Whistles?”
Of course, that reminder set off a chorus of ear-piercing demonstrations, which probably sent wildlife scattering for miles.
“I take that as a yes.” He winked at Tori. “Let’s go then, guys.”
The boys didn’t have to be told twice, taking off at breakneck speed toward the pond.
“Boys! Stop!” But they either didn’t hear her or didn’t intend to obey.
Sawyer let out a shrill whistle that brought them skidding to a halt. When he reached them, he set the gear aside, then squatted. “What did we talk about on the way here?”
“Walk,” Cubby admitted, shamefaced. “Don’t run.”
“And what were you both doing?”
“Running.” Landon elbowed Cubby. “But he started it.”
“Did not.”
“Did, too.”
“Uh-uh.”
“Whoa.” Sawyer T’d his hands. “Time out, fellas. It doesn’t matter who started it. We walk out to the water. We don’t run. Got it?”
Both nodded.
“Alright, then.” Sawyer stood. “Let’s go.”
Watching the threesome move ahead of her, one twin on each side of their big brother, Tori couldn’t help pulling out her cell phone and snapping a photo. That would be a special one to add to Sawyer’s memory albums for the boys.
One she might put in hers, as well?
* * *
Sawyer couldn’t believe how fast time had flown since they’d arrived midafternoon. Each of the boys had caught a fish—which he had them throw back because he wasn’t yet ready to teach them how to clean one—but there had also been time for a short hike and animal-tracking lessons. Deer. Elk. Javelina.
Yet all the while, he’d been acutely aware of Tori’s presence. Watching for her smile. Listening for her laugh. Enjoying her interactions with Cubby and Landon. Delighting in the instances when his eye caught hers and they’d silently shared a laugh at something one of the youngsters had said or done.
Although it had been almost a week since he’d foolishly misinterpreted her comforting gesture and gotten ahead of himself, he still sensed she wasn’t entirely at ease when he was around and had put some distance between them. Which was what made her agreeing to this outing today doubly appreciated. For the boys’ sakes, of course.
“So is anybody hungry?”
His question was met with a round of raised hands, Tori’s waving the hardest. With the late-afternoon sun just dipping behind the tops of the ponderosa pines, he gave the boys a lesson in fire building, then they roasted turkey hot dogs and finished up with marshmallows and a lot of laughter.
It had been a good day.
Now loading up the truck, they’d get home before dark.
“I’m glad you had us bring gloves.” Tori rubbed her hands up and down her jacketed arms, glancing back at the twins, who were vigorously stirring the doused campfire into a muddy mess. Shoveling on dirt with a little hand shovel. Pouring on water. Stirring, stirring, stirring.
“At this elevation it gets nippy fast when the sun goes behind the trees, doesn’t it?” He lifted the insulated cooler into the bed of the pickup.
“It does. It’s probably at least ten or fifteen degrees warmer in Jerome right now, if not more.”
“Having second thoughts about relocating to mountain country?”
“Absolutely not.”
For some reason, it made him glad to know that. They chatted for several more minutes as he secured their gear. As the afternoon had progressed, the tension between them eased and they seemed to be falling back into their earlier comfort zone.
He looked over his shoulder. “Hey, Landon. Where’s the Cubster? We’re ready to go.”
“He had to go to the bathroom.”
Tori’s forehead creased. “I hope he doesn’t encounter anything poisonous. I don’t know how I’d explain that to Ray and Therese.”
“I didn’t see anything like
that right around here when we were hiking, so while he might get chilled taking care of business, he’ll be okay.” He double-checked the fishing rods to make sure they were fastened down. “But you’re concerned that we took the boys out for a few hours without express permission from their grandparents, aren’t you?”
“Well...”
“Tori, they okayed an overnighter already. You’ve been at the house for almost two months now. They trust your judgment.”
“I know, but—”
“Enough.” With a grin, he touched his finger briefly to the tip of her nose. “It’s all good.”
She nodded, her smile admitting he was right.
“Ready to roll, boys?” He glanced around as he strolled to the giant mud pie to double-check that the fire was out. Landon was standing off to the side, zipping his jacket. “Where’s your brother?”
“I told you. He went to the bathroom.”
“Still?”
Landon shrugged.
Sawyer put his hands to his mouth, megaphone style. “Cubby! Finish up your business. We’re ready to go home.”
Tori looked at him uncertainly. “He stuffed himself on marshmallows. I hope he didn’t make himself sick.”
“Naw. Banks boys are tough.” But he could tell Tori didn’t like the thought of the little guy overindulging and her having to explain that to Ray and Therese. He took a few steps away and again called to his brother. “Cub! Can you hear me?”
No response.
“Guess I’d better check on him.” He turned to Landon, who was climbing into the backseat of the truck. “Which way did your brother go?”
Landon shrugged.
“He didn’t go near the water, did he?” Sawyer’s gaze raked the pond’s perimeter.
“How would I know?”
The old Bible story words “am I my brother’s keeper?” came to mind. “I’ll be back, Tori. Hop on in the truck to keep warm.”
He handed her his keys.
He’d been over outdoor safety with the boys repeatedly. If you get lost, don’t wander around. Stay in one place. Use your whistle. He hadn’t heard the piercing signal yet, so Cubby must be nearby, just out of view.