by Jean Long
‘Do you think so love?’
‘Yes, yes I do, and I’m sure wherever he is, he will be thinking of you... and if he could say one thing I’m sure it would be “I love you too Ma.”’
‘Thank you my love, you know this is the first time I have spoken about him to anyone in a long, long time. This is almost better than winning the bingo.’ She smiles up into my face.
‘Yes it is, isn’t it?’ I say, ‘Well, I had better let you get back to work. Otherwise the other rooms will be ringing to know where their breakfast is. It was so lovely to have met you Mrs. O’ Conner. You take care of yourself, won’t you?’
‘Yes indeed I will love. Lovely to have met you too. Sorry… what did you say your name was again?’
‘Oh, you know I don’t think I did. It’s Denise, Denise O’Conner.’ I stand there for what seems like an eternity, watching for a reaction. She just smiles up at me.
‘Well, what do you know, an O’ Conner. We must surely be related. Do any of your family come from down this side of the country?’
‘You’d never know now would you?’ I say and give her one final hug goodbye before she turns to go out of my life forever. ‘Well, goodbye love. It was really lovely to have met you and if you’re ever in town again let me know and maybe I’ll take you to the Bingo with me.’
And off she goes, out the door. I finally got to say my goodbye. I know now that I could never come back here. Denis O’Conner died a long time ago.
At least I got one last chance to hold her near. Now it’s time to move on.
HARVEY
The room is dark as I wake and there is a stale smell hanging in the air. I try to get my bearings of the room but my head hurts too much. Why do I feel like I have a tonne weight lying on my chest? My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. I need a drink.
I get up and make my way to the window falling over something or other lying on the floor. Damn, my ankle hurts. I swing out of the curtains to keep myself from falling over. The autumn sunlight flickers through the room and almost blinds me.
‘Damn,’ I shout out into the silent room. I pull back the curtains while keeping my eyes shut tight. The warmth of the sun shines in and warms my body. I turn my back to it and try to open my eyes slowly to avoid the glare.
I look around the room at the mess I have created. The eiderdown and pillows are strewn all over the settee with cushions thrown about the room. Empty glasses and wine bottles are on every other surface. I remember again why I am in this mess. Why, oh why, did it have to happen now everything was going so well?
I think again about the very first day we met. I hadn’t planned on meeting anyone or bringing anyone home, for all that matters. But I did, I know now what people mean when they say it was love at first sight. The very minute I looked into your eyes I was lost. You charmed me by being very attentive, not leaving my side that whole evening, listening and responding to my every word. Everyone was so taken with you and said what a handsome couple we made.
Laura, my friend, who had invited me, just kept smiling at me with that knowing look.
‘Oh, I am so pleased,’ she announced, ‘Harvey is a wonderful guy you two will get along really well. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.’
As I hadn’t taken the car to Laura’s, her mum had offered to drive us home. I thought this was a bit presumptuous but you didn’t seem to mind. I thought I’d play along and see how it would go.
We arrived at my apartment and you walked in like you knew the place. Like you’d been there before, so at ease with yourself. We just sat on the settee and cuddled up to one another and that was the start to our relationship.
After a few weeks, I wondered how I had ever lived without you. You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought going to bed at night. You were there to greet me every evening and there to wave me off in the morning. At the weekends we’d sleep in, lying around the bedroom, reading and snoozing and generally taking it easy.
Even my parents were crazy about you. If by chance I had to work away, they would call to the apartment every evening to make sure you were okay for everything. Dad would sit and chat with you, while mum whizzed round tidying the place. Washing your dirty dishes, making sure your bed was made fresh.
But now, now that is all gone. I never thought living without you could be so hard.
I come home every evening to this empty apartment and you’re not there. I try to make dinner. I pull out what I need from the fridge and think, Harvey will love this, only to remember you’re not here anymore. So instead of making dinner I just grab a bottle of wine and some crisps, rinse a glass under the tap and make for the TV. Anything to try and take my mind off you. Everywhere I look there are photos of you staring back at me so I just give way to tears again. The wine bottle empties so I just replace it with another.
I’m not even sure what day it is today, to be honest, I don’t really care. I haven’t been to work now for days. My mother keeps leaving messages on the answering machine asking me how I’m doing. I mean, how on earth do they think I’m doing? My best friend in the world is gone. I’m on my own again.
Now the doorbell is ringing. Who the bloody hell is that I wonder? There it goes again, whoever it is? They are persistent. But they can bloody go to hell. I’m not opening the door. But I can’t stand the noise of the bell so I make a run at the front door of the apartment shouting at whoever is at the other side to just stop and go away.
Then I hear a voice I know so well.
‘Please love, it’s your dad, you have to let me in. We have to have a talk.’
There is something in his voice that makes me want to cry all over again. I open the door and standing outside is my dad. His hair normally so neat and tidy has been blown wild from the wind.
‘Hi,’ he says. ‘Can I come in?’
I turn from the door and walk back into the living room as he follows me. I turn to look at him and can see he is a little dismayed at the state of the room.
‘Having a party then?’ he tries a cheery smile at me.
‘No,’ I say rather smugly. ‘More like a wake.’
I look at dad’s face now and realise I’m being very selfish.
‘Oh, I’m sorry dad. I don’t mean to be rude. I know you mean well and I know you and mum loved Harvey too, it’s just the guilt...’
‘Come on now love, you had no way of knowing Harvey had a brain tumour. You did what you could for him.’
‘Yes I suppose, but he was so young, I never thought he would die. Well...’ I say, ‘so much for cats having nine lives.’
LIFE AND SOME
HUMOR
A SHADE OF FOOL
I sat to long in the sun today
Now I'll pay the price
Just so I could look nice
Well I'm looking really sweet
A shade of raspberry red
Now has me tied onto my bed
With my head a pounding
While tummy turns
Oh god how I hate these burns
I plaster on the after sun
But it's sure not fun
In the hope it will keep me cool
But oh boy do I feel such a fool
From now on I'll make it a rule
Never again to want to look so cool
You just end up looking like a raspberry fool
A TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
Hello
Can I ask you
When is the right time to say goodbye
When the earth has shattered
and the walls are closing in around you
When silence is deaf and the echo
returns all the harsh words you say
Or is it when life is lived in a bottle
you can't tell which way is up
When you find the nest is empty
and you know longer understand your life here
Or is it one morning when leaving the house
you say goodbye I love you
> You stop and think do I do I really love you
When your last breath is upon you and
you look into the eyes of one you have loved forever
No there is never a good time to say goodbye
When it is so much easier to say
Hello
THE CHASE
The silence of the night has gone, one so peaceful.
Dawn has broke, the chorus of bird song as I now awake, is blissful to my ears.
So the danger has passed the nightmare no more,
but yet so vivid in my mind.
And now I’m left to wonder, why it is my mind must tell a story in this way.
The way that scares me so, I have trashed about in my bed,
Twisting the cotton sheets to knots, Pil ow’s are thrown to the floor.
The sweet smell of perspiration on my damp body, tells
Once again of the chase I have just recently endured.
Not for the first time I realise, I wonder whom it could be that scares’ me so.
It is like someone has just flicked a switch.
And I know that it is I, who is doing the chasing.
Looking desperately for something I can’t find.
I think to myself now, but whatever could it be, I swear to have everything I want.
But somewhere deep within me, something stirs.
And I know what it is I am chasing.
But I also know it is the one thing I will never find, for now at least.
So I turn over, pull the covers around me, close my eyes again
and drift into a new slumber.
ONE DOOR INSTEAD OF TWO
The phone call came today
I just didn't know what to say
The hope I had for you
But there was nothing I could do
One door instead of two
Meant we could not have you
The things I planned to do
The places we could bring you
The planned trip to the zoo
One door instead of two
The songs I'd sing for you
Sweet music we'd make us two
But the phone call said today
There wasn't any way you could stay
One door instead of two
My heart is lost to you
But the rules say it won't do
We tried and failed it's true
Because of one door instead of two
My heart is aching there was anticipation now
there is only deflation
STAND STILL
Why is it they move only in one direction
Always following after each
other playing catch up
And yet they never sit together very long
And all the while things are changing
The light from the dark and back again
The recording of events
Aways relating to their movement
They never stop you see
Sometimes we so wish they would
We wish it with all our might
But it’s no use they can’t help it
Even if they wanted to
Then there are times we so wish
They would move on a little faster
But alas they can’t do this either
Even when we are long gone
They will still move in that same circle
I wonder do they ever wish to stop
Do hands of time ever wish to stand still
THE TECHNICALITIES OF LIFE
Throw stones at you at the most in apt moments
We sat and spent some hours
filling in mindless answers
On forms that had the same questions
That were repeated in several different ways
With only one answer to all of them
Yes we would take care of this child
with our life's blood
The same as we would our own
We know there has to be a process
We know what it means to be
entrusted with someone else's child
While it seems a little unfair
I do seriously understand
Privacy is most important of course
The tears are threatening to come now
I hadn't realised I would be so emotional
I mean I didn't even get to meet you
But somehow the love was there
The room was all but ready just waiting
Every item has been installed
Everything a girl could want
You were all we needed
Now we waited but not for long
You weren't coming after all
You see there is a door between us
I am sorry you couldn't come
Maybe we'll try another time
Lets just wait and see it just hurts so much you see
For you and I
WERE I A SCHOLAR
Were I a scholar
But then again
I'm not
I'd pen me a fine Piece
Poetry maybe
Or one of those novels
I hear say they cost
But I could do it
Aha but I dare say
I'd have time
But wouldn't it be fine
So if only I were a scholar
I could sit back and see
what the folk think of me
I'd be a grand gent
with money less spent
Oh won't it be grand
If I could just find in hand
But no its not for me
All this scholar larkary
Sure being a loner
Lets me be a mourner
I can crib and can cry
Till the day that I die
Have bed and have board
And never am I bored
So why be a scholar
When I can holler
Or would you rather then
No no I didn't think so !
WHAT IS A POET BUT A PEN
What is a poet but a pen
A matter of form
A flow of words
A house of structure
Be he noble
Be he rich
Be he poor
What matter he but his pen
A sonnet here a stanza there
Maybe a limerick
The list is endless
Be it clipped
Be it free
Be it all about me
It is the Pen
More mighty then the sword
It has written many treaties
Laid down a law or two
Registered deaths births and marriages
The list is endless
But what is a poet but a pen
A poet loves to love
A death has to be dark
A scenery a thing of beauty
A metaphor of words
Is sometimes for the birds
So yes a poet is a pen
Amenable
SO CLOSE TO ME
Come let me show you that I care
Let me show you how I dare
I wanna be with you
I wanna kiss you to
How have I got you to the end of it
Before you speak I depend on it
Don't you take me for ride
Please I do know and have some pride
So don't stand so close to me
Please don't stand so close I'll see
LAST REQUEST
Why is it your feet want to move
And your body wants to sway
As your hips they want to hop
With your arms up in the air
Your head it rolls from side to side
As your hair it swings in time
You snap your fingers to the beat
Then you clap your hands and stamp your feet
It sounds so very sweet
It's all about moving to t
he beat
To the rhythm of music sheet
Now as the music begins to fade
You tell the DJ he won't be paid
Until your last requested song is played
I WANNA BE FAMOUS
I don't want to be anybody
If I were anybody I'd be somebody
And that is not who I am
Or who I want to be
I want to blend in be invisible
Not seen or heard
No definitely not heard
No aura or reflection
No senses or feelings
No cares or worries
I don't want to have to wonder
am I really here
But am I really there !
MY METAL SCARES
I took her out today
I thought we needed a change
Maybe try something new
So we went the long way
round to the school
Oh what a beautiful day
You seemed happy slowing down
When we met other's on the road
Letting them pass on a head of us
Yes what was our hurry anyway
We pulled into the school
Under the shade of a big old pine
Oh here come the girls I say
As we head back the girls and I
Talking ninety to the dozen
And you hum away quietly
We stopped outside gates
I was just about to shout my goodbyes
When we all heard the most dreadful noise
I knew it was you even before
I had looked around
Oh my god how could I let this happen
The deep gash wounds
pierced into your side
Are you ok mammy my young daughter asks
No I hear myself whisper
Look what I've done that scar has ruined her.
I say with tears running down my face
Ah come now love my husband says soothing me
Sure it’s nothing a little filler and paint won't fix
Oh well I suppose I sniff
I KNOW YOUR HEART IS BREAKING
I write this song for you
Because I need to see you smile
I wanna see that frown turn upside-down