by Sienna Grant
“I can’t go back.”
“Anna, can you make her a cup of tea?”
Anna goes into the kitchen leaving dad and me to talk.
“What’s happened, sweetheart?”
“Everything.” I bite back the sobs, so I can explain but it doesn’t work; instead, I end up drowning in tears. Dad gets up from the floor to comfort me. I end up with my face buried in his chest.
He sits with me for what seems a long time, but it’s only minutes in reality. I’ve cried so much I’m surprised I have any tears left.
“Dad, can I stay please?”
“What about your mum? Does she know you’re here?”
I shake my head, the tears continuing to fall from my eyes.
“Oh, sweetheart. Look, you can stay, but I’m going to need to know what’s happened.”
I nod reluctantly… “Do I have to do it now?”
“No. You need sleep. I’ll get Anna to set up the spare room for you. I think we have a lot of talking to do.”
I nod. I have so many questions for him, but I don’t know where to start, maybe when I’ve slept and got a clearer head, we could talk. I put my head on the arm of the couch, and before I know it, my eyelids are drooping as dad strokes my hair, calming me, just like he did when I was younger. I missed this so much and didn’t even realise it. My body relaxes as it sinks into the cushions beneath my exhausted body, sending me into a deep sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
Jaxon
“Jaxon Cartwright. You’re being charged with driving while intoxicated, dangerous driving and criminal damage, how do you plead?”
“Guilty your honour.”
“Court adjourned for an hour while we pass sentence.”
The police lead me from the dock down to the cells where I’ll be held until the judge has given out his sentence.
“Cartwright, you have a visitor.” The officer's voice comes from the other side of the bars. I turn my head towards the door, my stomach churns in the hope it might be Shelby; no such luck though. Harry waits patiently for the door to open and the officer stands at the door.
“You have five minutes.”
I nod to let the officer know I heard him.
“Jax, how you doing?”
“Just fine and dandy. No Shelby?”
He shakes his head, “Sorry mate.”
I shrug. “It is what it is. She probably doesn’t want to be seen with a jailbird anyway.”
“Don’t say that Jax. She has a lot to work through - just give her some space. There’s a lot that's happened, and so much you don’t know.”
“Then why isn’t she here Harry, why doesn’t she come and tell me.”
“Please give her time…”
“Why do you stick around me H,” I sigh, “I’m bad news. I’m just going to bring you down…”
“Shut up. I’m the only one you actually have in our messed-up family, and I love ya, Jax. I’ll be here when you get out.”
We shake hands, and I pull him into a hug.
“Times up fellas.”
I nod, and the officer sees Harry out.
“H, look after her for me?” He nods, “Tell her I love her.” I shout before it’s too late; nodding again with a flat grin, he walks away disappearing up the steps.
I lie back on my bed while I wait to be called back upstairs.
I don’t have to wait long though… ten minutes later I hear the jangle of the keys as the officer opens the door for me.
The officer leads me back into the dock, and we wait for the judge to take his seat.
“Young man, you could have hurt a lot of people with your stupidity. I’ve heard all the evidence though, and the fact that you’ve pleaded guilty goes in your favour. I understand there’s been a lot of factors in your behaviour, which makes me feel like I need to be a little lenient, but I also need to show that I’m taking this kind of behaviour seriously. I’m passing sentence of fourteen months to run concurrently with the charges and three years driving suspension. Do you have anything to say?”
“I’m sorry to the people I’ve hurt.”
“Take him down.”
The officer leads me from the dock. I look back to see the sad face of H. I take one last look around, and I see her. Shelby is in the doorway with tears streaming down her cheeks. A tear finds its way into the well of my eye, but I hold it back. I hold her gaze for as long as I can. Harry takes her into his arms, my eyes shutting, the realisation that I’m not going to see her for so long is crucifying me.
All I can think about as I leave the court in the meat waggon is her face, her tears, how I wanted to hold her and make it all better.
I know it’s never going to happen. She’ll be better off without me.
Shelby
“Oh my goodness, Harry. He looks so sad.”
“I don’t think he was expecting you here. Out of our family, there’s only me here. That says a lot, doesn’t it?”
“I have to go and explain all this shit to my dad now.”
“You haven’t told him?”
“Nope. I promised if he brought me here today, I’d explain everything after. He’s got his own story to tell though – like why he abandoned me, but when I got there last night, he invited me in with open arms; something tells me it has to do with my mother. After all this, it wouldn’t surprise me.”
Harry pulls me into a hug after walking out of the court. “Are you coming to school?”
“I’ll have to, and I’m not that far away - I’ll work it out.”
“He loves you, you know that, don’t you?”
Nodding profusely, “I love him, a lot; he’s my world.”
“When I’ve got the details of where he is, I’ll send them to you, so you can write to him if you want.”
“Thank you, Harry, for everything.”
“Hey, always.” I kiss his cheek, “Tell him Shelb.” Harry calls out, and I go back to my dad waiting patiently in his car.
The ride back to Dad's house feels longer than it should considering it’s only twenty minutes away from the court. I spend the whole drive not speaking while looking out of the window.
“Are you alright?” I nod my answer but still don’t speak. “You have to speak to me, Shelby. We need to sort this out.”
I sigh. “I know.”
“Come on, let’s go inside and we can have a chat, yeah?”
Nodding again, I get out of the car and head inside.
I sit on the corner of the couch looking around the room, it’s so lovely in here. It’s relaxing. I didn’t see much when I came in last night, I was way too upset. The room is decorated in beige and browns, and there’s a large houseplant in the corner by the open staircase.
“So care to start?” My dad breaks my musings.
“If I tell you everything, you have to promise you won't shout at me and also, you have to tell me why I haven’t seen you in all these years.”
“Deal.”
“Okay, I know you’re wondering why I was at the court this morning and the answer is... my boyfriend was in court, being sentenced - drunk and driving. The next thing is probably worse, and I’m so sorry….” My voice weakens. He holds my hand giving me strength, “I’m pregnant…”
Dads mouth drops as his eyes widen, but nothing comes out.
“Dad?”
“Erm... I’m speechless.”
“Are you angry?”
“I'm not happy that my sixteen-year-old daughter is going to have a baby, but who am I to judge you? I’ll stand by you, you’re my baby girl.” He shrugs, taking me into his arms.
My chin wobbles, I take deep breaths and start to explain everything that’s happened between me, Jax and mum. By the time I’m done. Dad looks as shocked as hell. He puts his lips to my hair and kisses the top of my head.
“Oh Shelby, I’m so sorry baby. I wish I’d been with you.”
“So do I Dad,” I whisper. “What happe
ned with you and mum? Why did you abandon me?”
“Sweetheart, I didn’t. I sent cards and letters, money at Christmas and birthdays…”
“I didn't get anything.” I cut him off. “Did she hide all that from me?”
“I know our divorce was hard on you and I tried to make it easier. I didn’t want you in the crossfire, but she was having none of it. In the end, she cut all my contact, had a solicitor send me a letter and told me you didn’t want anything from me anymore. She said it was upsetting you too much.”
“How could she do that?” I ask horrified.
“I wanted to come to you so much and for you to meet Anna, but she wouldn’t let me. I gave up, and I’d come to a conclusion in my head that you’d come to me when you were ready, and here you are.”
He tightens his hold on me, squeezing me. “It killed me when I couldn’t see you. I used to sit away from the primary school and watch you come out, of course I had to make sure it looked like I wasn’t some kind of child snatcher…”
“Dad,” I say shocked.
“What? I bet I looked like some pervert sitting outside the school. I gave up in the end. When you moved schools, I had to, I didn’t know where you’d gone to.” His smile matches mine, it’s wide and welcoming.
“I’ve missed you. I wanted to hate you, but when all this happened - I only wanted you. I never thought she could be this cold-hearted…”
“Hmmm. Well, you’ll stay with me. Get to know Anna, she’d love to build a bond with you. We couldn’t have kids, so it’s only you.”
“Ah, dad I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine, she’s come to terms with it - we both did. The only thing that kept me going was that I had you. Now go and get some rest, you’ve had a trying few days.”
Nodding, I shift, “Oh, and maybe you should just let your mum know where you are.”
“Oh great.” Kissing dad’s cheek, I grab my phone from the arm of the chair and head upstairs. I stop halfway and take him in. His hair is beginning to grey, and he looks older, but he’s still the same man I remember from years ago. The sweet man that doted on me.
“Thanks, Dad.”
Winking at me, I smile back and carry on up to my room.
One Month Later
Shelby
I’ve heard nothing from Jaxon, not a phone call or a letter. I gave Harry my new address to pass on, but I still haven’t had anything. I know Harry has been to see him - he’s the only one who has.
Getting my paper and pen out, I decide to write him a letter, explaining a few things and putting some facts straight.
Dear Jax,
How are you? I hope you’re surviving in there?
I miss you so much, and I have so much to tell you, I don’t know where to start.
I’m not sure if Harry gave you my new address or not, but you have it now in case you’d like to write.
I’ve left home, obviously, with the new address and all. Anyway, I’m living with my dad, I know, shock right?
He explained a few things about why he left me and guess what, it was all my mum’s fault.
It feels weird speaking to you like this, but this is how it’s got to be I suppose.
Okay, so here goes... My dad has promised to support me, he knows all about you now. He’s been really understanding. I’m really happy here. My mum knows I’m with Dad, and she’s not pleased, but I’m sixteen, and in the eyes of the court I can make the decision about which parent I want to live with.
I really don’t want to tell you this in a letter, but I suppose I’ll have to. I’m an emotional mess at the moment, so it’s a good job I don’t have to say all this out loud.
The day you saw me at the clinic – I didn’t go through with it. I was too upset, and the nurse wouldn’t do it. She was on my side, she knew it wasn’t me who wanted this and again being sixteen I had a say in what I wanted. If only we’d known all this a few days before… My mum made me another appointment, but I ran away from home, literally.
As I said I’m living with my dad now, he’s looking after me.
I see Harry and Addy at school still, it’s not that far really, my dad takes me in and his wife, Anna, picks me up.
The school knows about my condition and have said I can do a lot of my revision from home, but they want me to go in until full revision actually starts which is another few weeks.
I hope this doesn’t come as too much of a shock to you and I hope it makes you happy. I’m not expecting anything when you’re out, it’s up to you. I needed to get all this off my chest, closure I guess. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.
I don’t think there’s much more to say other than I love you and probably always will.
Stay safe in there, if not for me then for your child. I don’t want our baby growing up without a dad like I have done for the last eight years.
Well, I suppose it's time to go. I have homework to do.
Speak soon.
With all my love, Shelby ♥️ xxxx
I fold up the letter, putting it inside the envelope and sealing it. I wipe away the tears that have fallen as I’ve written it and bring up the address that Harry sent me. Writing it on the back, I put on a stamp and put it in my bag.
Pulling my homework from my bag, I set it out in front of me, but I can’t concentrate. I push it away, pulling up my knees to my chest and rest my cheeks on them, instead of holding it in - I let it all out. All the emotions of writing the letter, how much I miss him. I miss his hugs, his compliments and worst of all I miss how much he loved me. The ragged sobs tear through me, racking my body as I shake. I feel an arm go around me.
“Let it all out Shelb? It won’t make you feel better, but it’ll cleanse your soul.”
I turn my face into her and cry, doing precisely what Anna says.
She was right though, it did help. Now to wait for a reply.
Chapter Sixteen
Jaxon
Three Months Later
I hate this place.
It’s dark and dirty.
It’s better than the other place though, I’ll admit. They moved me here after three weeks in the other place. I can come and go from my cell as I please, as it’s a Category D prison. We can go outside, we have a gym and a tv room. It’s like a holiday camp in all honesty. We also have a work detail so I can earn some money while I’m here. That doesn’t mean I’ll be coming back here anytime soon.
I haven’t told Harry I’ve moved though, this way I can do my time and not worry about him wanting to come and see me in this shithole.
I’ve started getting healthy. I spend most of my time in the gym, it’s the only way of getting rid of all this anger and tension. I have to attend courses while I’m in here as part of my rehabilitation, but hearing her name guts me to the core. I try not to think of Shelby, I’ve blocked her from my mind for now - I’ve had to in here, she’s my only weakness.
I’ve grown up a lot while I’ve been in here. I realise most of what happened is my fault. I just wish I could take everything back. I said once, I wanted to be better for her; looking around my cell now, this doesn’t seem better to me. She’d be so much better off without me, but I’m too selfish for that.
I know with all the baby issues it might be hard to pick up where we left off, but I’m going to make it my mission to do right by Shelby. I miss her so much but I can’t let myself get all twisted up. I have to focus on me for now.
I thought I’d hit rock bottom before, but that was nothing... this is what you call rock bottom, and I vow, I’m never coming back to this shithole.
“Lights out.” An officer calls from the corridor.
As my cell fades to darkness, I close my eyes letting myself dream about Shelby. This is all I have for now, and I’m going to enjoy it until night turns to day, and I go back to my routine where I have to lock her memory away in a box in my head.
Shelby
I smooth my palm over my
small bump, amazed at how quickly it’s growing. My dad is amazing. Anna is too. She comes with me to my appointments, and we go shopping together. My mum wasn’t happy when I told her where I was, she demanded I go back but I refused. I’m not going back to that. She had a few words to say about Dad, but I blocked her out and put the phone down after telling her to stay out of my life.
Addison comes up to see me at weekends and stays when she can, and Harry calls me all the time. He’s been up with Addison, he doesn’t stay over though. I told him everything that happened at the clinic, but I’ve made him promise not to tell Jax. Harry told me that he couldn't contact Jax either, he never replied to his letters he had sent, we're not sure what's going on. I can't afford to get anymore stressed.
I need to keep a clear head from all this. My first exam starts tomorrow, then we’ve got five weeks of exams. It’s prom straight after, although I’m not going. Dad wants me to, he thinks all kids should have the experience, but I don’t fancy going with a huge belly, then I have to find something to fit. I can’t be bothered. The idea a few months back was for both of us to go with Harry as Jax wouldn’t have been able to as he wasn’t at the school anymore, but now I’m not going at all. I’ll go to the school and see them off, but that’s it.
I’ve heard nothing from Jaxon at all. Not even a letter in reply to the other one I sent. I’m assuming he’s still angry with me. I have a calendar on my bedroom wall, and I’m marking the days off that he’s done. It’s like I’m doing this subconsciously, he might not even want me when he comes out.
I really should forget about him, but I can’t. He’s such a big part of my life - or was…
“Shelby. Are you ready?” My dad calls up the stairs. I have to go for my scan, I want to find out what baby I’m having today. “Come on, we’ll be late.”
Quickly putting my hair up, I take one last look in the mirror. I look so much better than before, I have colour in my cheeks, and my hair is glossy. I actually feel excellent at the moment, but I’ve been told it’ll change as I go into my last trimester. I’ve not read through many baby books because of revision and exams, but I’m hoping to soon, I just want to be a good mother.