by Richard Amos
“Can’t really say I’m feeling your gaff,” Jake said.
“Gaff?”
“Look it up.”
“Maybe I will.”
“So, you were trying to make some kind of point?”
“Ah, yes. I have been granted some joy in my sad days of late. You.”
“If you say so.”
“I’m not done talking yet.”
“Well, if you could hurry it up, that’d be just grand.”
She cocked her large head. “You carry some interesting company. If only you knew the truth of things.”
I didn’t like the sound of that. What did she mean? “Get to the bloody point.” She wouldn’t tell me. That boiling water in that cauldron wasn’t for any freshly peeled potatoes. There was nothing else in this room but me.
She devoured the sight of my sparks with hungry curiosity. The bursts of green every thirty seconds to continue my magical medical treatment didn’t seem to break her focus on my hands.
“You like these?” I turned my hands over, allowing her a better look. “I’m hungry.”
She licked her jelly lips. “Let me finish what I was saying. Your actions have given me the opportunity to reach up. I have been down here for too long. I have shrunk to a shadow of myself after so many years of starving, unable to truly feast as I should.”
“Really? So how big are you when you stuff your face?”
“Oh, Mr. Winter, I am amazing.” She sniffed the air. “I wonder what she will think of me.”
“Lilisian?”
“Isn’t her name so beautiful to speak?”
“Not really,” I said. “So, how come you know so much if you’re stuck down here?” I had to talk a bit more, get things right in my head. That thing between her legs could lash out. I was convinced it was what’d pulled me down here.
“I have my spies.” She grinned.
“Of course.”
“You do not need to worry about anything anymore. I will be your end and rise up from this place. I shall probably receive a delicious bounty for killing you.”
“My end?”
“Yes. You have had a marvelous run, but it is now time to stop this silliness.”
“Yeah, not gonna happen.” I really didn’t wanna end up as stew.
“I know you will taste delicious.”
She’d be slow, right? All that jelly and weight …
“I’m not on the menu.”
I had to go for it.
“Oh, but you are.”
I went for it, rushing at her. She rolled out of the way with surprising agility. The thing at her vagina swelled to a vast cylinder of jelly and shot at me, missing my head by inches. It splattered on the mud wall, slid off and returned to its cylindrical form once more.
“That was rude, Mr. Winter.”
“And?”
“I do not appreciate, nor tolerate, insolence in my home. There is nothing cruder.”
“Do you always bore your meals to death before consuming them?”
“So, you accept you are to be my meal now. Good.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
The jelly beast cocked her head.
I shrugged. “I think it’s time for you to die before you put me into a coma.”
“No.” She threw the jelly thing at me. It caught me in the face and pulled me down to my knees. “You will all be going in my cauldron, and I will eat the flesh that has been blessed by a goddess.”
I reached up and touched the jelly. It sizzled as my skin met it, sparks going to town.
She shrieked and released me.
I was up again. “Not too bright, are you?”
The jelly cylinder was back to being a worm, all shriveled and blackened. “You hideous thing!” She worked to catch her breath. “But you are right, I was a fool. My flesh is of beast. I will not make that mistake again.”
“Oh, go on,” I teased. “Please.”
She charged and cracked me right in the stomach with a jelly fist. The strike was so hard that I threw up as I flew across the chamber. My head cracked off the wall, and I crashed to the ground.
But not knocked out.
Staying awake was the key here. If I passed out, I was going in that boiling water and into that belly. If she could actually eat me, that is. There was the real possibility I could cause some seriously deadly indigestion.
Not really my concern. I had to just not die.
My skull was a baby’s rattle put through the ringer, my vision blurred. That’d been one bump to the head. Yet my healing ability came along with its loving Band-Aid and put me right. Sort of. My foot was still on the mend.
“The last human I ate was a year ago,” the jelly woman said. “A scrawny thing that did not satisfy me in the least. Goodness, I remember when we first arrived to this realm, and I dined on much fuller delicacies—before those pesky vampires put me down here!”
“Thank you, vamps.” I sat up, rubbing the back of my head. My hand came back wet where it’d bled.
“Dust now,” she said. “At least in this city. Good riddance. When we are free to roam your realm beyond Coldharbour, I will make it my cause to wipe out all of the vampires in existence.”
“Good luck with that.” I didn’t know anything about the vampires, but I hoped they were savage. If the beasts did get out, and I was dead, I hoped they would do me proud my causing her a world of hurt even if they couldn’t kill her. There were worse things than death.
“What to do,” she said. “What to do.” She stroked her belly. “I will have to use my cleaver.”
“You always think out loud?”
“Being alone makes you talk to yourself, to think things through aloud.”
I’m glad she did. At least I could prepare for that instrument of pain to be swung at me.
“There is no way out of here, Mr. Winter.”
“I could climb back out the way I came,” I said. “Won’t be hard.”
“How will you do that when I have no intention of letting you go?”
“Still blathering on about that?”
She smiled. “All it takes is for me to make you hit that wall hard enough to knock you out. Then it is over.”
“Bring it.”
“Not yet.” She cocked her head again as the green energy flowed across my skin. “Is that some form of healing ability?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“I would actually. Yet, I am not bothered if I do not. Your death is my main priority.”
“Funny that,” I said. “I was thinking the same thing about you. Only the death part, though. I don’t want to know anything about you.”
“You have a nasty tone,” she said. “I do not like it.”
“And you’re just nasty. What’s that smell?”
“I do not smell!”
She didn’t actually. There was no other scent but the damp and the burning fire. Still, it was good to goad.
I pinched my nose. “Blimey.”
“How dare you? I—” She looked up at the ceiling. “What is that?”
I heard something. Was that sleigh bells? No. That was ridiculous.
“Bells,” she said.
Oh, my God! It was sleigh bells!
Chapter Twenty-Six
The jelly woman was staring up at the ceiling, but I could tell she had her eye on me. She had a mean punch, and I couldn’t take the risk of being knocked out.
What to do, what to do …
The jangle of the sleigh bells was getting closer. Was Santa Claus coming to save me? If so, it was good to know I’d made his good list and not the naughty one.
She sniffed the air. “I smell goblins.”
“Goblins?”
Her jowls wobbled as her head snapped round. “And others.”
A rescue party? “Got a dog’s sense of smell, eh?”
“When you have such refined tastes as mine, one needs to have exceptional senses in order to determine the quality of meat or wine. How I miss win
e.” She licked her lips. “I would think a fine Châteauneuf-du-Pape would go very well with you.”
“Great.”
The sleigh bells were almost on top of us now.
“First, I must deal with this.” She charged at me, swinging a fist. I moved in time for it to miss my head but catch me in the side. Bloody hell! My torso roared with pain, but at least I was still standing.
The sleigh bells stopped, and the jelly woman froze. She sniffed the air again.
“Is that fae?”
Dean! I put some distance between me and the jelly beast.
She sniffed some more. “Ah, I see your friends have come to help you—the fae, golem and witch, along with some goblins. Hmmm … Interesting. I will have to seal this hole …”
I had to distract her. “Why can’t you just crawl up there? Too small a squeeze?”
She smiled at me. “Wouldn’t that be wonderful, to see the above again? When I kill you, I do believe my curse will be lifted.”
“What curse?”
She wagged a translucent sausage finger at me. “Now, now. Do you really believe I am interested in talking with you while those creatures lurk outside my home? I think not.” The bitch came for me again. I was ready, maneuvering out of the way.
The jelly beast then gave chase. In this place, it wasn’t fun. Why couldn’t she be stupid enough to just chase me in an endless ring until she was out of breath? Then I could skip on over and kill her. But no, she had to dart at me with more speed than she should have, make me slam the brakes on constantly to change direction, getting within inches of me each time.
Where was the cavalry?
Man, I wish I hadn’t needed the cavalry. Oh, to be more bad-arse.
Never mind.
I slammed into a wall and dropped, rolling out of the way as her great jelly weight crashed into the spot I’d just occupied.
Close one!
I was on the ground … vulnerable. Time to get the bloody hell up!
She kicked me in the chest. I felt the ribs crack as I went skidding across mud and rock. My cheeks were scraped, my knees and hands too. Didn’t stop me from leaping up though, cursing at the agony in my chest.
“Stop!”
I recognized that voice! It was Rose, the goblin—the one who had magazines featuring me from my modelling days and a jealous husband. Her brown hair, usually in a beehive, was as wild as her pink eyes. The familiar aroma of rosewater wafted in the air.
My number one fan had a spiked club in her green hands.
“Step away,” Rose said.
Her husband Randy hurried through the tunnel opening, holding the same club, his brown hair a mass of messy spikes.
“Rose!”
The jelly woman was one unhappy beast. “I loathe the stench of goblin.”
“And I loathe the sight of you,” Rose snapped.
Dean appeared next, followed by Nay. Greg smashed the hole wider as he came through brandishing his hammer, his face thunder.
“Fuck this place!” he boomed.
I was so friggin’ happy to see them! They were all dirty, faces reflecting their exhaustion.
“Jake,” Dean said. This was not the time for me to flush, but I did! What the hell?
Nay pointed at the jelly woman. “You’re one screwed beast. Get your wobbly backside away from him right now.”
The jelly woman chuffed. “Not one of you will leave here alive. I can feast as I haven’t feasted in a long time.”
“Yeah right,” Nay said. She threw a vial at the jelly woman.
It left splattered black inky stuff across her belly.
“What—”
Before she could finish, the black spread all over her translucent body as quickly as ink spreads when dropped in a glass of water. It covered every inch of her, transforming her to a black blob.
She screamed. “My eyes!”
“She blind?” I asked as my healing magic rose up.
“Yep. Go for it, babe.”
The jelly woman was swinging her fists in frantic rage. “What have you done to me, witch? Vile witch! Kill all witches!”
“Hang on,” Nay said.
Greg delivered an almighty swing of his Thor hammer to the jelly beast’s head. She went down like a stone, silent.
“Gross bitch,” Greg said.
I grabbed the unconscious beast by the head and did my thing in the place of fog.
Once she was dead, I collapsed to my knees, wincing at the impact. “Bloody hell.”
Nay was on me, crouching next to me and pulling me into a hug. My ribs were still not quite done being repaired, but I didn’t give a crap. I hugged my friend back, falling into her embrace. Greg joined in, wrapping his big arms around us.
“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Nay said. “Oh, my God.”
“Same to you.”
Greg’s squeeze tightened. I knew Dean wouldn’t join in, but that didn’t matter. He was here, and that’s all I cared about.
“How lovely,” Rose said.
Our group hug ended. Nay touched my cheek with the back of a cold hand. “Oh, babe,” she said.
Greg ruffled my hair and helped me up.
“Where is he?” Dean said. “The white eye guy?”
“I think … I think he might be … dead.”
“What?”
I hadn’t really given it much thought since I’d got out of the railway tunnel. Dead? The words had just fallen out of me as if an epiphany had suddenly come. There was a huge chance he was dead seeing as he’d been left to fight the hooksters.
“Dead …” I said.
If he was, then it was over. Everything that had led to this had been for him to die in a way that wasn’t by my hand. And I would never get answers.
“Shit,” I said and then explained the story.
“That’s kind of a letdown,” Nay said.
“Kind of?” Greg added. “It’s a bloody major one.”
Rose came over to me, her husband hot on her heels. “It is wonderful to see you again.” She frowned. “What did that awful creature do to you?”
Her eyes widened as a burst of green light shone from me.
Randy grunted.
“Nothing that won’t heal. So, what’s the deal?”
“Rose found us,” Greg said.
“We were looking for you and your team,” the goblin said. “When Randy and I tracked down your friends, you were already gone with that white-eyed man. You see, we know where the shadows have set up their base.”
“Not up here,” I said. “It was a—”
“Trap, yes. It was too late to warn you. They’re at Wand Towers. We know because our home is there, in Tower 1.” She frowned. “We really should swap numbers after this in preparation for another incident. I’m sure there’ll be more.” She smiled, the frown long gone. “You are such a beautiful man. I would hate for those good looks to be stolen from the world.”
Randy fumed behind her. “I don’t think you should be talking about stuff like that.”
“Oh, hush it. I’m married, not dead.”
He turned his back in a huff. I wish he didn’t blame me for his wife’s obsession, but I know he did. Maybe I should try and direct him to a celebrity crush of his own. Not that I was even a celebrity—more a proper washed-up twenty-six-year-old man who used to roll around in front of a camera modeling Gucci jeans. Still, at least I had one fan to my name.
“And you have sleighs? Is that what I heard?”
“They’re awesome!” Greg chimed in. “Seriously, mate. Just wait until you climb into one.”
“So, there’s two?”
“Yep. Get ready for the ultimate festive experience.” He threw an arm around me. “Dibs on sitting next to this one.”
“When we said we could trace you through the SOS stuff,” Nay added, “Rose sprang into action.”
“With reindeer,” Greg said.
“So, it really is gonna be the ultimate festive experience?”
“Yeah, ma
n.” He pulled me in closer. “Who’d have thought it with this shit storm going on?”
I chuckled. How quickly the situation had gone from dire to the joy of friendship.
Dean was watching me with that scrutinizing stare of his. I wanted to look away, but I found myself locked onto his dark eyes. In fact, I could’ve stayed that way for a good while, happy to stare back.
“I think we should go soon,” Dean said. He still didn’t break eye contact.
“Yeah,” Nay said. “This place sucks.”
I ended up shutting down the gazing, coming back to myself. It was the feeding and the weird sensations it offered post-kill.
So, why did I feel so anxious that I’d looked away?
Bollocks to this!
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I was covered in mud when I climbed out of the tunnel the jelly woman had dragged me through but so bloody happy too. The fresh air was heaven on my lungs, even the snow was a sight for sore eyes.
Rose and Randy didn’t sink into the snow, clearly too light to do so—and probably had some magical ability to help out.
The sleighs were incredibly festive. Red with gold trim and green seats, and two bell-wearing reindeer apiece to pull them. Two lights were fixed to the front to cut through the night.
“Oh, my God,” I said.
Greg patted my back. “Just drink it in, mate.”
I did, for a few seconds, until I noticed my sparks had come back to life. The four reindeer picked up on something too, anxious to get away. Looking at the woodlands, I saw flashes of red.
“We have to go. Now!”
Everyone sprang into action. I was bundled into a sleigh with Greg and Rose, while Nay, Dean and Randy took the other. The goblins took the reins and got the sleighs into action as hooksters burst from the trees.
Crapping hell!
The sleighs tore off through the snow at great speed. But the hooksters were fast. The one in the front of the fanned out formation really pushed through the snow—which should have acted as a slow-down device. It didn’t faze the bastards one bit.
It sprang, flying through the air straight for my sleigh. I braced myself, arms up to catch it by the head and hoping I didn’t get snagged by a hook.
Greg towered above me, in front of me as a shield of rock. With a powerful swing of his hammer, he cracked the hookster’s head. The sickening sound was like a gunshot. The hookster was off our tail.