by Andi Loveall
It didn’t make sense. Plenty of things could move backward: locomotives, booty dancers, the human digestive process. Why couldn’t they?
***
It was nine thirty before he made it down the hill, and that was after taking two aspirin, forcing himself to drink a smoothie, and then lying back down for another twenty minutes to make sure he wasn’t going to throw up. Lucius came up to tell him that Walter said he could take a sick day if he needed to, but Devin forced himself up.
He didn’t want to water or weed the gardens. He didn’t want to prune the apple trees. He definitely didn’t want to help repair the pasture fence in the sweltering sun, but he was pretty sure if he stayed in bed, he would die there.
Walter assigned Devin and Lucius to the fence, Rocky to feed the animals, Cora to the orchard, and Panky to the weeding. Devin tried to pull Panky aside before she left to get started, but she refused to even look him in the eye.
“Right.” He threw his hands in the air. “Of course.”
He didn’t know what he was still doing here. If he had stuck to his plan, he would be in India by now. The originally planned three weeks would have been the perfect stay. There was weed, psychedelics, food, and had he been a scumbag like Dave, maybe there would have been three weeks of perfect sex, after which he would have packed up his dick and moved on to the next warm, curvy thing. But he could never be like Dave. Not with anyone, really, and definitely not with Cora.
Laughter floated across the yard. He watched as Rocky heaved the bag of feed over the pasture fence without noticeable effort, pausing afterward to flex. Cora was out of view, but he could hear her voice. She was mumbling something he couldn’t understand, and then she laughed again, louder this time.
That laugh … He tried to convince himself that it sounded more genuine when inspired by him. It didn’t work.
They had to tear down what was left of the old fence before they could add a new section, so he took out all his aggression on the wood, working until he was dripping with sweat.
Why would Cora act so loving if she didn’t want to be loved? It didn’t make any sense, but he envied her nonetheless. She was in control. He was nothing but an addict who had surrendered to the habit long ago. He wanted to take back every smile he ever gave her. He wanted to grow a bed of delicate white flowers and then trample them to death in a fit of rage.
He removed his cap, wiping the sweat from his face and looking at the blackened remains of an earthworm, shriveled on the path. A wave of nausea sent him forward, clutching his stomach and beginning to dry heave. Walter grabbed him and walked him over to the shade.
“Aye,” Walter said. “This is why I told you to take a day.”
“I’m fine,” Devin said, breathing hard. “I just need a minute.”
Lucius handed him a bottle of cold water and he drank. It reduced the nausea a little. They continued on, and he sat there, watching them work and feeling pathetic. He spotted another earthworm struggling on the hot stone and reached over, carefully transporting him to a shady spot and watching as he slithered down into the refuge of the cool grass. Going the wrong way: It was such an easy mistake, yet it could so quickly ruin everything.
Walter was watching him, taking a drink from his own water bottle.
“This has to be one of the hottest summers I can recall,” he said. “The driest, too.”
“Yeah,” Devin said. “Maybe global warming will trigger an ice age.”
“Now, that’s a frightening thought.”
“I personally can’t wait. Imagine … Erasing all of humanity’s pathetic history and starting again from year zero. It’s what the world needs.”
“Careful what you wish for there, son,” Walter said. “All things are possible.”
“Yeah,” Devin said. “Especially the shitty things.”
Maybe he was being too cynical. He probably had nothing to worry about for awhile. This apocalyptic meltdown surely wouldn’t occur until the day he became successful and had everything to lose. Yet every day he didn’t get laid, the world slowly turned.
They finished the new section of fence, and about halfway through, Devin started to feel a little better. The aspirin was kicking in. Walter once again offered him the rest of the day off, and he refused. It was helpful to keep busy.
Walter seemed to get it, and he assigned the two of them to spend the rest of the day spreading diatomaceous earth around the tomato plants, which was supposed to help keep worms away.
“Let me get this straight,” Devin said as they got the stuff out of the shed. “It’s not vegan to squish the worms. But it is vegan to spread these bony shards of material on which they’ll get stuck and die a slow, painful death?”
“It’s their choice where they want to crawl,” Lucius said.
“It’s not their choice to need to eat.”
Lucius just looked at him. “Are we going to have an ethical discussion about pest management, or are we going to talk about what’s really going on?”
“What?”
“You know what,” Lucius said. “I’ve heard two distinctly different stories so far, and I’m interested to hear your side of things.”
“Well, what have you heard?”
“Story one: You and Panky were about to shag in your cabin, and you stopped because Cora caught you. Story two: You were flirting with Panky all night, and just when she thought her dreams were about to come true, you cruelly rejected her.”
“Her dreams were about to come true—she said this?”
“Not exactly, but that about sums it up.”
“I love how in both versions, I’m the asshole.”
“What’s the truth?”
“Panky got me drunk. I wasn’t ‘flirting’ with her any more than I normally do—”
“So, you admit you flirt with her.”
“I flirt with all my female friends when I’m single,” he said. “Every guy does.”
“I’m not saying I blame you. If anything, I was a little surprised. I thought you might have gone for it.”
“Really?”
“It wasn’t as if you were clueless to her feelings about you, no?”
“ … You think I should have gone for it?”
“I’m not saying that. I just know how forceful Panky can be.”
“Yeah well, maybe I should have. I got in trouble for it anyway.”
“She’s moving down to the guest room at the house,” Lucius said. “So she’ll be out of your hair from now on.”
“I tried to apologize if I hurt her feelings. She won’t talk to me.”
“She’ll get over it.” He took off his handkerchief and began re-tying it around his dreads. “Trust me, I’ve seen her with guys. She moves on quickly, and she isn’t very emotional. I think she was just looking for a quick lay. Either way, it’s pretty nice to have two women fighting over you, eh?”
“Are they fighting?”
“Oh yeah.”
“See, I don’t get Cora,” he said. “What’s she fighting for? She could have me.”
“It’s the classic thing—she doesn’t want to commit, but she doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“Can I give you some advice?”
“I’m always in need.”
“Let go.”
“Of what?”
“Of needing to control things. Of anyone and anything that stands in the way of your happiness.”
“Cora brings me happiness.”
“Sure she does,” Lucius said. “But whether or not she’s capable of a relationship is a different story. Until she figures that out, there’s nothing you can do. So let go.”
“How?”
“Forgive her,” Lucius said. “Love her anyway. Be her friend. Make it your choice. And who knows, maybe she’ll come around. But if she doesn’t, you won’t be out anything. You’re good, brother. You don’t need her. You have your whole life ahead of you and there’s a lot of love out th
ere that you’ve only begun to discover.”
“ … So you’re saying I should have gone for it.”
“I’m saying … ” Lucius laughed and raised an eyebrow at him. “If you want to experience life on the open road, you have to accept goodbye. You’ll hear it a lot, so just kick back, hit a bowl, and enjoy the ride. Take life as it comes, and when it’s done coming, let it go.”
Devin looked down at his dirty fingernails and sighed. Done coming indeed.
“Maybe I’m not so good at the whole ‘life on the open road’ thing.”
“Only one way to find out.” Lucius held out his arms. “Consider this a test run. Practice, before we get the real ball rolling.”
“So does this mean that you let go and forgave Anna?”
“Hell no. That bitch was crazy!”
Devin laughed; his first real laugh in a while. A surge of empowerment moved through him. “You know what dude? You’re right.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Devin nodded. “I do need to move on.”
“Hell yeah, brother.”
“I can do anything I want.”
“Yeah!”
“I can leave here today and do anything I want!”
“Well yeah, but—”
“Do you want to go to India?”
“That’s where we’re headed.”
“No. I mean, do you want to go to India now?”
Lucius stuck his shovel in the dirt, looking up.
“We don’t have our visas yet. We don’t have tickets yet. We can do that today, but it’s still going to take at least a couple weeks for the visas to—”
“Then let’s go somewhere else,” Devin said. “Somewhere with no entry visas. Anywhere in the world.”
“Wait—it’s not just that. We also told Walter we’d be here through August.”
“What, like they won’t be able to find anyone else who wants to come swim under waterfalls and eat dank food every day? They’ll be fine.”
Lucius looked hurt. “Yeah, but anyone else wouldn’t be us.”
“Honestly dude, I’m over it.”
“Well, I’m not,” Lucius said. “I know this is your first stop and all, but trust me, opportunities like this are few and far between. I can’t begrudge you wanting to go—I know how it is. I can always meet up with you in India later, I just think that if you stay, things might work out.”
“How could this possibly ‘work out’?”
“Give it time. You’re being more dramatic than most females.”
“Yeah? Screw you.”
“I’m sorry,” Lucius said, chuckling. “I just think you should relax, that’s all. I really do have a feeling that if you relax, this will work out in your favor.”
“You sound like Raven.”
“She is catchy,” Lucius said, squinting as he looked into the vines. “Uh oh. I found one.”
He gently plucked up the worm and placed it on his hand. They sat there a minute, watching it crawl. Then Lucius carried it over to the platters Walter had set at the end of the yard, where the birds would soon come to eat. Life was a cruel beast, and God was laughing.
“Let me get this straight,” Devin said. “It’s not vegan to squish them, but it is vegan to lay them out for the birds? Because it doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, that’s a torturous death. Even worse than the bony shards.”
“The hunger of the birds could also be considered torture,” Lucius said.
“These birds aren’t hungry. Look around at all these bugs.”
“True. The birds don’t need it—but they like it. And unfortunately for the tomato worms, we do need these tomatoes. So, we have to support ourselves in the least violent way possible. We make decisions to favor balance and abundance versus waste. But hey—some vegans would agree with you. Some believe it’s better not to interfere in any way.”
Devin was in too shitty a mood to process such a thoughtful response.
“They have some bad karma, these worms,” he said. “Crushed out in the name of ‘balance.’ Crucified as a species and labeled pests. Hell, even the vegans are willing to throw them to the dogs.”
“Yet here they are,” Lucius said, picking another one from the leaves. “Surviving.”
“Actually,” Devin said, peering over at the platters. “That first one is being eaten as we speak, and I’m sure that one is soon to follow.”
“Come on, little brother,” Lucius said, walking him over. “May you escape the birds.”
Devin crumbled some of the diatomaceous earth in his glove, watching it fall to the ground. Didn’t Lucius get it? There was no escape from the birds. That was the point. That was the whole damn point.
***
That evening, Devin went down to the house so he could get on the Internet and decide the future. He was still hungover, but the only thing less appealing than staring at a computer screen was the idea of being stuck here any longer than he had to be.
Lucius claimed to be an expert at finding cheap plane tickets, and despite his reservations about Devin leaving, he was willing to help him out.
All of the websites looked the same. Advertisements demonstrated ridiculously happy families frolicking on tropical beaches or wandering the streets of European cities while flashy print announced the deals of the day. Even the various layout and color schemes were similar—likely proven to produce impulsive purchasing in anyone who looked at them. Anyone but Lucius, who was apparently immune to such things and kept thinking there was an “even better deal” out there somewhere. After an hour of searching, Devin no longer cared if he ended up ridiculously happy and frolicking. All he wanted was to buy the damn things so he could go lie down.
Lucius crouched beside him, eyes on the computer screen.
“What about that one? That one looks pretty good.”
“July twenty-first? No way dude. I told you, I can’t stay here that long.”
“You have to wait for your visa,” Lucius said.
“I looked that up. You can get it rushed, you just have to pay more. Something tells me you knew that.”
Lucius shrugged. “I’m not going to apologize for trying to keep you here.”
“What about that one? July fourth. It’s a holiday, maybe that’s why it’s cheaper. That’s over a week away—should be plenty of time.”
“Leaving the nation on the birthday of the nation,” Lucius said. “There’s a dark sort of beauty in it, I suppose.”
“It’s a Sunday,” Devin said. “He went to India on a Sunday. It does sound kind of righteous.”
Lucius chuckled and nodded at the screen. “Well then? Only four tickets left at that price.”
Devin paused, lightly tapping his fingertip on the mouse as it hovered over the “purchase ticket” button. Once he clicked, it would be real.
He took a deep breath.
“Wait,” Lucius said, looking him in the eye. “Do you feel right about this?”
Devin nodded.
“Well then … Get two. I changed my mind. I’ll come along.”
“Really? Why?”
“I don’t know. I have a feeling.”
“Dude, yes!” Devin’s eyes widened. “You will not regret this! The change of scenery is gonna make us so high on life. I’m just gonna write, drink beers, eat Indian food, hike around—”
“Three tickets left at that price,” Lucius said, grinning.
Devin looked back at the screen. The infinite possibilities resulting from this single click of the mouse radiated through the damaged tissues of his brain. No chickening out now.
Click.
They watched as Walter’s lagging computer loaded the page that thanked them for their purchase. On Friday, July 4 at 4:37 in the afternoon, they would get on a plane in Charlotte, North Carolina. By the time America was lighting its fireworks, they would be long gone, high in the sky over the ocean. This place would become a distant memory, and Cora would become like Jess, soon to forget about him if she hadn’t already.<
br />
Chapter Five—Seeing
On Thursday night, the unthinkable happened: Rocky apologized.
“Hey man,” he said, intersecting Devin on his way back from the bathroom. “I just wanted to say sorry for what happened.”
Devin had spent most of the day hiking with Lucius, and he was in an okay mood, all things considered. He gave the kid the benefit of the doubt.
“Well,” he said. “Sorry for punching you, then.”
Rocky let out a laugh. “You’re not the first. I know I can be a dick sometimes. It’s just women, man. They get me into trouble. I can’t help it, though. My doctor says I have naturally high testosterone levels.”
Devin snickered and shook his hand, and just like that, the feud was over. There wasn’t much to feud over now anyway. Cora was avoiding them both.
She was avoiding everyone, actually. When she did make an appearance, her eyes were dull and distant. He felt terrible, but he didn’t know what to do.
At least things with Panky were turning out okay. He finally spoke to her when she was packing up to move down the hill.
“I apologize,” she said. “For giving you the cold shoulder.”
“I apologize if I gave you the wrong idea. It’s nothing against you—you don’t have to leave.”
“It’s all right,” she said. “I would’ve wanted the guest room had I known it was an option. There’s Wi-Fi down there.”
“Well, it was fun while it lasted. Being roomies.”
She smirked. “I don’t normally room with men. You caught me at a weak moment.”
“It was still fun. And look—I appreciate the fact that you would be willing to have sex with me. Like, a lot.”
She laughed, going over to the doorway and lighting a cigarette. “I did what I did because I thought you and Cora were just a fling. But I realize now you’re in love with her.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Whatever.”
“You’re in love with her, you are. Stop shaking your head.”
“There’s no point in wanting what you can’t have.”