“I packed so I could spend a few days away.” An icy stab of pain pierced her chest, but she refused to give in to more despair. Last night had been more than enough.
His eyebrows raised in disbelief. “You mean to tell me you can live out of this backpack for a few days? My mother and sister can’t leave the house for an overnighter without two pieces of luggage.”
She smiled despite herself then felt it fade as she remembered why she’d packed in the first place. “Yeah, well. I’m sure I’ve forgotten something. I think I’ll take that shower now…”
She held out her hand for the pack, but Jimmy didn’t turn it over, just continued to stare at her with solemn eyes.
“What’s going on, Merri? What happened? Tell me. It can’t be that bad.”
The quiet concern in his voice almost loosened her tongue. But she refused to appear weak. Not to him. Not to anyone. She couldn’t afford it.
Shaking her head, she slid out of bed, tugging at the hem of her shirt although it already reached to mid-thigh. She took the bag and turned toward the door for the attached bathroom. “It’s bad enough. Thanks for the bed, Jimmy. I’ll be out of your hair as soon as I can.”
With the bathroom door shut firmly behind her, she didn’t waste any time turning on the water and shedding her clothes. She dug shampoo, conditioner and body wash out of her bag, pulled out a comb, and avoided looking directly into the mirror. She didn’t think she could take any more humiliation right now.
She sighed as she stepped into the wide shower stall. The wet heat soaked into her skin and made everything just a little bit better. Her miserable headache eased as she washed and conditioned her hair and, for a few seconds, yesterday’s disgrace rolled off her shoulders with the freesia-scented bubbles.
She didn’t realize she was crying until she’d dried and dressed in clean underwear and a fresh t-shirt and braided her hair.
And when she started, she couldn’t stop. She tried to hold in the sobs, but they got the best of her.
The sound of her misery echoed around the room.
*
Jimmy stared at the door to the bathroom, trying like hell to convince himself he didn’t really want her.
She was hurting. He hated to see her hurt. Wanted to wrap his arms around her and pull her close, let her take comfort from him.
Wanted her…
No. That wasn’t it.
You do know you’re lying to yourself, right?
Yeah, he knew.
The first time they’d met, he’d been attracted to Merri. She’d come to visit Mal when he’d first started working for them. Before Jimmy or his brother and sister knew Mal had come to investigate them.
There was something about her that drew him, some spark that lit when he looked at her.
At first, he’d thought it was because they were kindred spirits. Both geeks with way too much brain power to be anything other than outcasts in normal society.
But he knew that spark. He’d been burned by it before. He’d failed Barbara, and Merri, unfortunately, had a lot in common with Barbara. Maybe—
Aw hell. She’d turned off the shower and now he heard her sobbing.
Moving closer to the bathroom door, he had the urge to break it down, grab her in his arms and hold her.
He tried to tell himself it wasn’t because of who she was but what she was—a girl in pain. He’d held Janey through countless bouts of tears over scraped knees and hurt feelings.
This girl’s tears made his gut clench. He had to know what was going on. Needed to help. Didn’t want to examine that too closely, but there it was.
When the door opened, he wasn’t quick enough to get out of the way and Merri barreled straight into him. He wrapped his arms around her before she could get away, felt her slim shoulders shake and her body tremble. But she didn’t move away. Instead, she surprised the hell out of him by twining her arms around his waist and holding on.
She felt so damn soft. So small and fragile. And in so much pain.
Okay, he could do this. He could comfort her but not get involved. It’d be best for both of them.
They stood there for several minutes. Jimmy smoothed his hands down her back, letting his fingers pet that soft, damp braid, while Merri’s fingers curled into the sides of his shirt as she continued to sob.
Pressed full against him, he was glad he’d worn jeans so he couldn’t feel her bare legs against his. He didn’t even realize for the first few minutes that she wasn’t wearing a bra. Then he quickly forced that thought out of his mind, concentrating instead on the ferocity of her sobs.
She sounded as if her heart was breaking and he had no idea how long it took her to wind down enough to hear him but finally he managed to ask the question.
Bending his head, he spoke softly, close to her ear. “What’s going on, Merri? Tell me. You need someone to talk to and I’m here.”
She took a deep, shuddering breath. For a few seconds, he was pretty sure she wasn’t going to answer. Then she turned her head away from his chest so she could speak.
“I’m going to be fired.”
Jimmy couldn’t help his laugh. “Oh, no way, hon. You’re way too smart. Hell, the NSA wouldn’t let you leave if you wanted to.”
She made a rough sound in the throat and pulled away, though her arms trembled as if she didn’t want to let go. If he was honest, he hadn’t been ready to let her go.
He stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets so he couldn’t reach for her and pull her back to him.
Her head shook as she stared at the floor and took another step back. “I’m glad you think it’s so funny.”
Damn, she had pretty legs. The top of her head didn’t reach his chin, but her legs seemed to go on and on.
And breakfast sounded like a really good idea right now. Before he embarrassed himself. “Listen, why don’t you finish getting dressed then come out into the kitchen and we’ll talk about this. You’ll see. It’s not as bad as you think.”
He waited long enough for her to nod then forced himself to back out of the room and head for the kitchen.
Once there, he wanted to bang his head against the marble countertop a couple times.
It might’ve been awhile since he’d fallen this hard, this fast, for a woman, but he couldn’t mistake it for anything else. And he was old enough to know these feelings would bite him on the ass if he let them.
The girl had wounded written all over her. These days, he liked his relationships scar-free, thank you very much. Emotion was a volatile substance you handled with acid-resistant gloves because they could burn worse than lye.
As he began to retrieve ingredients from the refrigerator, he heard her walking slowly down the hallway. Turning, he saw she’d pulled on jeans but not shoes. She had cute bare feet. Turning, he got the bread out of the pantry drawer and slid four pieces into the toaster.
“So, tell me what happened yesterday that you think is so awful.”
He heard her move the stool at the breakfast bar so she could sit, propping her elbows on the counter and letting her chin rest on her hands. “I screwed up. I wasn’t smart enough to realize I was being scammed, and I screwed up.”
“Scammed how?”
Frowning, she studied the countertop intently. Jimmy didn’t think she was going to answer as he got a bowl from below the island, and he was trying to think of a way to get her to talk when finally she sighed.
“By someone who shouldn’t have been able to. I failed an internal screening, a stupid loyalty test I should have seen coming a mile away. I mean, I should have known that guy would’ve never been interested in me.” Her arms collapsed onto the counter and she dropped her head onto them so he could no longer see her face. “And now my boss told me I had to take some time off. He thinks I’m tired, that I’ve been working too hard, that I need to get out in the real world for a while. Live like normal people.” She snorted. “Well, I’m not normal, and damn it, I don’t want to be.”
Jimmy whippe
d the eggs and poured them into the pan he’d preheated. Her expression reminded him of Janey at fourteen, angry with him because he wouldn’t let her sneak out to be with her new boyfriend. But there, beyond the anger, he saw fear. He wanted to smash the guy’s face who’d put that fear there.
He forced a tame smile through the raging testosterone. “No one will ever accuse you of being normal. They wouldn’t dare. But everybody needs a break. When was the last time you had a vacation?”
She sucked her lower lip between her teeth and nibbled it. Jimmy had to turn back to the stove to fiddle with the eggs because that little action made him want to do the same.
“I went home last Christmas for a few days.”
“How many?”
She paused. “Three.”
“When did you take off before then?”
Another pause. This time she didn’t answer.
Sliding the omelet onto a plate, Jimmy placed it on the counter in front of her and handed her a fork before grabbing the toast. “Can’t remember, huh? Merri, do you take any days off?”
She deliberately stuffed her loaded fork into her mouth and chewed, avoiding him. Finally she swallowed. “Sundays. Usually.” She grimaced. “I know, I know, don’t you lecture me, too. I don’t think I could stand another one.”
No, she looked ready to cry again, and he didn’t think he could take it. He might just give in to the urge to kiss her if she did.
He raised his fork-free hand in surrender. “No lectures. I’m right there with you in Workaholics Anonymous. But tell me, what do you do for fun?”
She snorted. “I am not a complete workaholic. I do yoga. And I like to read. Oh, and I belong to an online gaming society. And I love movies.”
“Do you do anything that directly involves other humans?”
She wrinkled up that cute nose. “I work with so-called humans all day.”
“Boyfriend?”
Her gaze slipped away to the plate. “Usually not worth the trouble. Besides, I just don’t have time right now. A relationship is too much work and I’ve got enough at the lab.”
Well, shit. Jimmy had said almost exactly the same thing to his mom the last time she’d asked if he was seeing anyone.
No wonder his mom had given him the look, the despairing one he’d learned to ignore over the years.
Taking a bite of the omelet, he pushed the rest her way. He’d been up for an hour and had already eaten. “How long have you been with the NSA now? Four years?”
Merri shrugged. “It’ll be five next month when I turn twenty-five.”
“So, you graduated from high school, got your undergraduate and master’s degrees before you were twenty, got your doctorate while you worked. And you’ve been chained to a desk at Fort Meade for five years.”
Her nose wrinkled. “You make it sound like I’ve been slaving away making porn films.”
Jimmy blinked at the hot image starring Merri and himself that popped into his brain and mentally took a step back. He cleared his throat before he made an ass of himself. “No, but everyone needs a break. I don’t think your boss is trying to get rid of you. I think he thinks you just need some downtime.”
Her chin lifted again and those cat-green eyes blazed. “Well, I don’t. I’m not going to have a breakdown or anything like that.”
“Then just take a break, Merri. Why don’t you want to do that?”
She didn’t need to speak. He saw the answer plainly written on her heartbroken expression. She didn’t have anywhere to go or anything else to do.
Been there, done that.
But he’d had his family, and they hadn’t let him sink as far as Merri had.
And, he realized, he had the perfect solution.
“Listen, you finish eating and then we’re going for a drive. Ah,” he held up a hand to stop the words he knew she wanted to say, “no excuses. Just trust me on this one.”
Chapter Two
A half hour later, Merri sat in the front seat of Jimmy’s disreputable pickup and tried not to get too close to him.
She was already more than halfway to falling for the guy, and that was just so not going to happen. She had too much on her mind right now to lose her concentration on a relationship that would go nowhere.
Still, her natural curiosity got the best of her, as it usually did.
“So, how long have you lived out here?” She had to shout the question over the ear-splitting industrial metal spewing from the speakers.
Thankfully, Jimmy turned down the volume to answer. “I moved out here about five years ago. Needed somewhere away from the city, someplace quiet.”
There was something in his tone that made her wonder why he’d needed it, but his expression didn’t invite more questions. She twisted to look out the back window at the rapidly disappearing two-story Cape Cod. The house reminded her of her parents’ home in Wisconsin. Not too big, not too small. Lived-in. Cozy.
And you couldn’t get much quieter. Set in a densely wooded area on top of a hill with very few other houses in the vicinity, Jimmy’s place was the perfect getaway.
For the Unabomber. Or a reclusive genius scientist.
“Where are we exactly?”
Jimmy flashed her a grin. “The Main Line, baby. I originally bought the house as an investment years ago. I kept getting socked at tax time. It’d been neglected for a few years before I bought it. Figured I’d work on the repairs on weekends then sell it when I was finished. I like working with my hands. It lets my mind settle. Then a few years ago, I realized I liked it out here.”
Merri turned for another look out the back window, but she could no longer see his home. Houses had replaced the trees—huge, old-looking houses. Not exactly the neighborhood she would have expected Jimmy to live in. Not that she’d really thought that much about it. Most of her internal dialogue on Jimmy dealt with those blue eyes and that mouth. “Where are we going?”
Oh, that smile of his was going to be the death of her. “To see someone who can help you with this problem you think you have.”
She bit back a scowl before it formed. “What problem?”
Jimmy flashed her a look that made her thighs tingle. “You won’t listen to me, so I’m gonna give my mom a shot at you.”
Merri’s eyes widened and her brain shuddered to a complete stop. Jimmy was pushing her off on his mom?
“What? Why?” Panic made her heart race. “Oh my God. Did you tell your mom I spent the night at your house? What’s she going to think? Jimmy, you can’t do this to me.”
Grace DeMarco was a legend in the intelligence community. No one really knew much about her former official duties, but she had the reputation for being a top-notch ghost. Merri had met Grace a few times but hadn’t spent any time alone with her. But Grace’s eyes, greener even than her own, had seemed to see right inside of her.
And now Jimmy wanted to set his mother on her. He must really want to get rid of her.
“Why don’t you just take me to the train station so I can go home? I know you don’t want to be stuck with me—”
“Hey.” He shot her a glare, the first she’d gotten from him. It seemed so out of place on his usually pleasant face. “I never said that and I don’t think that. I just think talking to my mom will help you put things in perspective.”
She turned to stare out the window, away from his searching gaze. In her head, she heard her boss’ Southern-tinged growl. “You need to get out and have a life, Merrianne. Live a little. Meet people. Contrary to popular belief, I do not expect you to be here twenty-four/seven. I expect loyalty, which, despite that test, I know you have. I expect your everything when you’re on the job. I do not expect you to give every minute of every day to the job.”
Then Charlie had leaned in close and his deep voice had softened. “Merri, if you don’t have something to hold on to outside of here, you are going to flame out like fireworks on the Fourth of July. You’re too good for that and I need you. Now get the hell out of here for some R&R
before I fire your ass.”
“Hey, Mare. Where’d you go?” Jimmy snapped his fingers in front of her face. “Don’t flake out on me. Mom’s not that bad.”
Of course Grace wasn’t that bad. She was wonderful. She had an amazing career, a love affair for the ages, and an extraordinary family.
Merri couldn’t even manage to balance work and life.
Looking out the window, she saw they’d hit heavier traffic and were closing in on Center City.
The words popped out of her mouth before she could stop them. “Do you think I’m a freak?”
He slid her another glance, his expression dead serious. “What? Hell no. I think you’re brilliant. You just don’t know how to relax.” For one brief second, Jimmy laid his warm hand on her knee and squeezed, sending shivers up her spine. “Talk to my mom. She can help.”
They made the rest of the trip in silence. Merri tried not to think about yesterday. Tried not to think about anything. But they were getting closer and closer to Society Hill and Grace.
By the time Jimmy found a space to park on Pine Street, she’d worked herself into a fairly decent panic. Her heart pounded, she couldn’t stop chewing on her bottom lip, and she’d twisted a knot into the bottom of her left braid.
They had to walk a block to get to the house, and by the time Jimmy walked through the door of the meticulously kept two-hundred-year-old brownstone, Merri thought she might be hyperventilating.
“Hey, Mom. You home?”
“Jimmy, is that you?”
Following behind Jimmy, Merri heard Grace before she saw her. For a brief second, she considering running but that would be foolish. And she refused to appear foolish in front of Grace. She deliberately closed the door behind her so she couldn’t run.
“Yeah, Mom.”
The voice drifted down from above. “Is Merri with you?”
Jimmy shot Merri a grin and whispered, “I didn’t tell her.”
Merri took a deep breath. Might as well take this bull by the horns. “Yes, ma’am, I’m here.”
Grace appeared at the top of the stairs directly in front of the door. “Hello, dear. I’m so glad to see you.” The woman’s smile looked totally convincing and Merri felt her chest loosen, just a little. “Major Jenkins is very worried about you. He thought you might have come to see Mal. Good thing Jimmy was working last night.”
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