by Velvet Reed
No one at the table says a word, in fact the whole club is quiet because it seems I made my little speech while another singer was being announced. Practically every eye in the club is on me and it’s humiliating. Looking into the beautiful blue eyes that I wish still shined with love for me, I shake my head and sit back down. Music starts up again, diverting everyone’s attention, though I catch Ashley’s movement as she walks away, followed quickly by Gracie.
“They’ve gone to the bar,” Tanner informs us, and when I look up at him, his mouth is set. “I get it,” he says. “You want her back.”
“I do,” I tell him, there’s no use sugar coating it and he should be aware that I’m going to do everything I can to make her mine again.
“Good luck,” he returns, and since I don’t know the guy and I can’t read him, I’m not sure if that’s a challenge or an actual sincere good luck wish.
Being typical guys, Cole and Charlie turn the subject in a different direction and I offer a few comments here and there, as does Tanner. For an ex-marine I would have expected him to be more aggressive and territorial over the woman he’s been dating, and I’m a bit baffled by him.
The girls don’t come back for about ten minutes and when they do, Ashley isn’t with them. Jesus, I hope I haven’t screwed things up beyond repair.
“Where’s Ash?” Charlie asks, reading my mind.
“She had a few more shots at the bar and is now getting ready for her turn to sing.” Gracie gives a sad smile. “I have no idea how she’s going to do it, but then again I have no idea how she keeps down all the alcohol she’s had, either.”
Tone steps up to the microphone and introduces Ashley, causing the crowd to applaud loudly. She’s been a popular performer here and that obviously hasn’t changed since I’ve been away. The moment she steps on stage, I get a roll of images flashing through my mind; the first time I met Ashley, Cole and I came here and I saw her up there singing, and the sight of her all in leather, singing to try to get my attention.
When she starts to sing, the first words out of her mouth are about hating every single word someone says. She has my attention so I listen, enraptured by her voice. The words continue about someone being an asshole but that she still loves them. Then when she belts out what I’m assuming is the chorus and how only true love can break her heart, I know. I know with all my heart that she’s singing this song to me.
If I really analyze the message she’s trying to get across, it’s that I’m the asshole and I broke her heart but she still loves me. She does everything to avoid looking in my direction but I watch her like a hawk, my gaze zeroed in on the way she moves. Her body is calling to me. Her words confirming the fact there’s still hope. I won’t give up. Ashley still loves me. I’m sure of it and when she finally gives me the chance, I’ll tell her that I love her, too. Love her with a blinding passion that I’ve surrendered to, because there’s no other choice for me. She’s it. She’s the love of my life. My everything.
Reaching the final note, the crowd cheers, and after any other performance Ashley would relish the appreciation they’re showing her. But as a light switches on the stage, it reflects off the glassy sheen in her eyes. Oh my, Beautiful Ash. I want to take her in my arms, hold her, comfort her and reassure her that everything’s going to be okay. Handing the microphone over to Tone, he raises his hand to her cheek and swipes his finger across it. He says something to her and she nods before walking backstage.
It takes longer than I anticipated for Ash to come back to the table, and when she does, I stand, hoping to convince her to go somewhere more private and talk. She looks at me momentarily and then turns to Tanner. “Can we go home now? I’m not feeling well.”
“Yeah, sure,” he replies, grabbing her bag and hastily getting out of his seat.
The two of them go about hugging and saying goodbye to Gracie, Cole, Charlie and Allison, before she turns to me and just stares again. The words get lodged in my throat and my heart constricts at the indecision on her face. I want the hug she so freely gave everyone else, but I know that’s not going to happen tonight, and she confirms that fact by slowly walking away, leaving me to watch her go.
When Tanner stops in front of me, I brace myself for the verbal assault I’ve been expecting, but he simply holds out his hand for me to shake. Why isn’t he fighting for her? I’m glad he’s not, but who in their right mind wouldn’t fight for a woman like Ashley Brookes? I take his offer at face value and shake his hand in a very friendly, non-threatening manner. With the same stoic smile on his face that he’s worn all night, he gives me a single nod, then he’s leaving and following the same path as Ashley.
With my thoughts in complete disarray, I sit heavily in my seat and look at the others. “Well… That was an interesting evening,” Charlie comments from where he sits with his arm around Allison’s shoulder.
“That’s putting it mildly,” Cole adds, but I don’t offer anything to their musings and soon after, we all decide to call it a night.
As I’m driving back to my empty apartment, I go over the last hour again in my mind. My path is clear where Ashley is concerned because she will be mine again. However, it’s the way Tanner’s acting that I’m not sure about, and that leaves me with an uneasy feeling in my gut. I guess only time will tell what happens next.
Opening my eyes, I lay as still as can be and stare at the ceiling. I make a quick evaluation of my current state. The room isn’t spinning, and I don’t feel like I’m going to vomit, but there’s a dull throbbing in my head. Looks like I came away relatively unscathed after last night’s drinking binge, which is probably more than I deserve.
I made a fool of myself. I allowed my emotions to rule my actions again. I can’t believe it. Throwing my arm over my eyes I block out the sunlight that’s seeping through the cracks in my blinds.
I was rude and bitchy, not only to Sam but to… Jesus, I can’t even remember her name but I’m sure it sounded like Vagina. But that’s beside the point. The point is, I made an assumption without knowing the facts, then acted like a bitch because it hurt. The thought of Sam being with someone else shredded me. I clung to the anger because it was a distraction from the impending devastation I knew would crash down on me.
He said she found him in the car park, but I chose not to listen. Just like I’ve refused to listen to him since he’s been back. He didn’t take Barbie to the club. They weren’t on a date. I was baiting him all night, I wanted him to react and when he finally did, it was like a slap to the face because he saw straight through me. I used to be the one calling him out on his bullshit, but last night, the tables turned, and he called me out on mine.
Then I sang ‘True Love’ by Pink, which perfectly sums up how I feel about him and when I got back to the table it was clear that he understood that I sang the song for him. God, why did I sing that song? Stupid! Now he probably knows I still love him.
Feigning not feeling well was the only way I could get out of there without breaking down and humiliating myself further. The way Tanner jumped at the chance to leave showed me that I, without a doubt, made him incredibly uncomfortable all night. What must he think of me now?
I lay there, continuing to berate myself for God only knows how long, until there’s a knock on my bedroom door. Who the hell is that? I jump out of bed, cursing myself for doing it too fast as the pounding in my head kicks up a notch. Grabbing my robe off the back of the door I say, “Just a second,” before quickly slipping it on.
If it was an intruder or someone out to hurt me, they certainly wouldn’t be knocking, so I open the door and am greeted with the sight of a freshly showered, shaved and dressed Tanner.
“Morning, sleepy head. I thought I heard you stir.”
“Morning,” I reply and it dawns on me that if he’s showered and everything, then he must have stayed here. I quickly look at my bed wondering if he slept in here with me, then I have another thought. Shit! Did we have sex?
Tanner’s deep chuckle has m
e turning to him. “Relax, Ash. I slept in the spare room. You kind of passed out on me on the way home and since you said you weren’t feeling well before we left the club, I thought it best I stayed in case you got sick.”
Damn it! Why is he always so freaking nice?
“Thank you,” I say and step forward to hug him.
Wrapping his arms around me, he leans his chin on my head. “Any time, Ash. You know I’ll always be here for you.”
Life really does work in mysterious ways, because if Tanner had come home before I got together with Sam, he would have been the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with.
We stay in the embrace for a moment until I pull away, needing to move my thoughts in another direction. “We’re supposed to go get that Christmas tree today, right?”
“That’s the plan,” he says, “But before we do that, I made some coffee and I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Sure,” I reply as he takes my hand and escorts me to the kitchen. I begin to feel a little anxious about what it is that he wants to talk about.
Taking a seat at my little table, I watch Tanner as he moves easily around my kitchen. He already knows where everything is, and he looks so comfortable doing a menial task like preparing coffee. He glances up, catching me watching him and gives me a lazy smile that quells some of the anxiety I was starting to feel.
He places my mug in front of me and slides into the chair next to mine. We both take fortifying sips before resting the cups on the table.
“So what’s up?” I ask, thinking it would be easier if I just jump right in.
There’s a second of hesitation before he says, “I actually wanted to talk about us.”
Oh boy! This was definitely not what I was expecting this morning. I take another sip of my coffee. “Okay.”
“I like you, Ash. I like you a hell of a lot, and I really thought this was heading somewhere, but we have a problem.”
I swallow hard as I look at him. “What kind of problem?” I know it’s a stupid question but I ask it any way.
Tanner smirks knowingly. “You’re still in love with Sam, Ashley.” I attempt to deny his claim but I only get as far as opening my mouth before he shakes his head. He continues to talk. “It’s okay. I understand and I won’t say I’m not disappointed, because that would be a lie. But I’m not going to stand in the way of you being truly happy.”
My eyes sting as tears start to develop. I reach out my hand needing comfort or reassurance maybe and Tanner takes it, giving himself freely without regard for his own feelings.
“He loves you, too, Ashley. The way he looks at you, the way he’s been doing all the things he has to get your attention. And he was right last night when he said you wouldn’t be acting out if you didn’t care. When he turned up at Thanksgiving and you punched him, Christ, that made me happy, but you wouldn’t have done it if you were over him. You wouldn’t have carried on last night and downed shot after shot if you weren’t upset, thinking that he was there with another woman. And if those things weren’t enough of an indication of how you felt, then your choice of song sure was.”
“Tanner, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I want to be with you, I really do,” I choke out through my tears.
He squeezes my hand. “No, sweetheart. You want Sam. You always have, but now that he’s hurt you, you’re too scared to try again. I think you owe it to yourself to give him another chance. Sure, he screwed up, but I don’t think his actions are unredeemable.”
“So we’re over, then?” I ask.
“I’ll always be your friend, Ash. I’d like to think that I’m one of your closest friends, but as for anything more than that, I’m stepping back and leaving the path open for Sam to win his way back into your heart.”
My lip trembles uncontrollably as the tears start gushing down. Burying my face in my hands, I dissolve into a sobbing, heaving mess. And when his arms envelop me in a warm hug, I cry into his shoulder and repeat over and over that I’m sorry. Tanner whispers soothing words, as he’s done for me many times over the last few months, and slowly I calm down and am able to detach myself from him.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” He smiles at my words. “I never meant to lead you on and I’m sure any other guy in your position would be furious. You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and the way you’ve supported me, Tanner. But you’re right. I do still love Sam, and even if I didn’t want to, I couldn’t stop it.”
“I know you couldn’t, because you’re meant to be with him,” Tanner says.
“Well, even if he and I don’t work out, you at least deserve to be with someone who loves you with their whole heart and who can give you everything you need. Don’t settle for anything less, Tanner.”
He pulls me back in for another quick hug. “You deserve that, too, Ash. Give him another chance.”
“I’ll try,” I say when he pulls back and positions himself back in his chair.
Looking down at our now lukewarm cups of coffee, he picks them up and heads for the sink. “Why don’t you go have a shower and get ready, and we’ll go get that Christmas tree?” he asks while rinsing the cups.
“Are you sure, you still want to do that? Because we don’t have to,” I offer.
I get an incredulous stare in response and a shake of the head. “Get your ass ready, Ashley. I told you we’d get your tree today and that’s what we’re gonna do. Friends, remember? We didn’t sleep together, so there’s no need for shit to get awkward.”
Friends. After everything that’s happened, I’d have to be the luckiest woman in the world to have a guy like Tanner in my life, and he’s right. Things don’t need to be weird between us and we’ll be there for each other no matter what.
“Okay I’m going.” I say brightly. “But we better stop for coffee on the way because you totally ruined that one.”
His laughter echoes through the room as I walk away. I still need some pain medication for my headache, but a sense of relief fills me, knowing that Tanner and I are exactly where we need to be. Now the only thing left to do is sort things out with Sam.
I couldn’t take it any longer, so I got in my car and I’m on my way to her house. It’s Christmas Eve and it’s been two more excruciating weeks since the night at ‘Pitch and Tone’s’. I haven’t scaled back my efforts to get her attention, and I was fully prepared to continue along that course until Cole told me this afternoon that Ashley and Tanner had apparently decided to just be friends. I was ecstatic about the news, but when he said that they haven’t been together since the morning after our night at the club, it was clear she was never going to come to me.
Tonight, I’m going to make her listen and finally find out if we can ever have another chance of being together.
Christmas lights twinkle across the front of her house. I step out of my car and look at the house and I feel a sense of coming home. Like this is where I’m meant to be. I always felt comfortable here at Ashley’s house, something I’ve never really experienced at my apartment. It’s always been warm and inviting, but perhaps that’s just because she’s here.
I bound up the front steps and stand at the door. I’m fully prepared for any kind of reaction because I honestly don’t know what she’ll think about my unannounced visit. Taking a fortifying breath, I raise my hand and knock before taking a step back to wait. Only a minute passes before I hear the lock click and the big wooden door swings open.
Her blonde hair hangs loose and wild with the light behind her showing off the highlights, giving her an ethereal quality. She’s dressed in red and white plaid pajama pants and her white shirt has the words ‘Santa, I’ve been a naughty girl.’ across the front. The absence of her bra instantly grabs my attention and my only thought is how extremely naughty I want to be with her. Clearing her throat, my attention gets diverted from her breasts where her nipples are starting to harden and I find myself looking into her beautiful blue eyes. God, she’s beautiful.
�
��What are you doing here, Sam?” she asks. The harsh tone she’s been using on me since I returned is noticeably absent.
I could stand here all night just looking at her, but I came here for a reason and I’m going to get it sorted out tonight. “Merry Christmas Eve, Beautiful.” I say and step forward. “It’s time you and I have a talk, Ashley, and we’re going to have it tonight.”
Her eyes narrow infinitesimally and even though I don’t want to come off like a cocky, arrogant ass, the nice route hasn’t gotten me anywhere, so if I have to go all caveman, I will.
We stand there staring each other down until Ashley sighs heavily. “Fine, but hurry up because I have popcorn and Miracle on 34th Street waiting for me.” She opens the door wider and allows me to step inside. As I move past her, I inhale her clean, feminine scent. It’s a mixture of her body wash, shampoo and something else uniquely Ashley. It’s a fucking aphrodisiac.
Turning, she heads for her living room and I follow her, taking full advantage of the view and checking out her glorious ass unabashedly. There’s not one thing about this woman that doesn’t turn me on or make me want to pound my chest and claim her as mine.
Ashley sits down on the couch and tucks her legs beneath her before looking up at me expectantly. Taking a seat beside her, my body turned towards her, I can’t help staring again. Women always tend to think they need to hide behind make-up. That it somehow gives them extra confidence and makes them look better, and I’m sure it does. But as I sit here and take in the clean, fresh and natural face of the woman I love, I know that I’ve never seen anything this beautiful before in my life. Super models be damned, because none of them compare to my Ashley.
“So talk, Vagina Man,” she snipes.