Fall From Love

by Heather London

  Jenna showed up an hour or so later and had to peel me out of his arms. Before that night, I had never met Carter and, even though he told me the worst news I had ever received, in that moment he gave me the most comfort. He was there for me. He held me tight. He let me cry. He let me punch him until my fists ached. He was warm. He was safe. I didn’t want to let him go.

  A hand grabs my shoulder and gives me a soft shake. My hearts jumps, but when I open my eyes and see it’s just Jenna, my heart begins to return to a regular rhythm.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” she says, her big, blue eyes are staring right at me. “You didn’t answer when I called your name the first few times.” Her eyebrows draw downward and I can see the pity in her face. “Have you been in here the whole time?” Her tangled expression makes me realize that tears are rolling down my cheeks. “You want to talk about it?”

  I shake my head and wipe the tears from my face. “No, I’m good.”

  She mashes her lips together, causing her mouth to form into a straight line. I know she’s trying to hold back asking me any more questions and it’s killing her to do so.

  “Where’s the bathroom?” I ask, wanting to clean myself up and gather my thoughts.

  “C’mon,” she wraps her arm around my shoulder, “I’ll show you.”

  ❧

  Jenna and I decide to take Josh up on his offer and stay at the house since we both had a few beers. I’ve been staring at the T.V. for the last few hours, but I don’t even know what has been on and I can feel Jenna’s stare burning holes into the side of my head.

  “What?” I turn and finally ask her, unable to take it anymore. She tries to turn her head away from me, but she doesn’t do it fast enough and I catch her. “C’mon, I’m not stupid.” I keep my eyes focused on her. “Go ahead; I know you’re dying to ask me.”

  She swallows hard and faces me. “I’m just wondering if you’re doing okay. You didn’t even ask why Josh and Carter had to leave so suddenly… but you know, though, don’t you?”

  I nod my head.

  She pauses for a moment, looking down at her hands. “And how do you know?”

  I sigh, knowing she’ll never lay off me now, so I may as well tell her everything. “I was talking to Carter in the garage when Josh came in and told him about... the rescue.”

  She nods her head and her mouth forms a perfect ‘O.’ “So the two of you were talking?”

  I nod again.

  “And was it him or the talking that upset you?”

  I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t him. I’ve just got a lot of stuff to sort out still. Maybe you should lay off him a bit; he doesn’t seem like a bad guy.”

  “I have been a little harsh on him the past few months.” She sighs. “So what did you guys talk about?”

  I should’ve known that she wasn’t going to give up that easy. I shrug and take a deep breath in. “Nothing really.”

  She leans forward, clearly wanting more information than I’m giving her. “That’s all you’re gonna give me?” she asks. “Details, Holly. I need details.”

  I can’t help laughing. “Really, we didn’t talk very long before Josh came in.” I shrug again, trying to think of something I can give her so she’ll be satisfied. “He thinks you hate him, though.”

  She rolls her eyes and falls back on the couch. “I don’t hate him. He just got on my nerves the past few months when he wouldn’t quit asking about you. I told him to just leave you alone, that you needed some time, but he wouldn’t let up. It took me threatening his life before he got it through his thick skull.”

  I laugh again. “Yeah, he told me about that.”

  “Listen, I know he means well and he’s just trying to be a nice guy, but the boy just can’t take a hint.”

  There’s a long silence between us until she asks, “So you’re okay then… I mean, being around him wasn’t too much for you?”

  Truthfully, I have no idea if I’m okay or not. The one thing I know for sure is that Carter brings up old memories and forces me to face things that I want to bury forever. I know that in order to get on with my life, though, I am going to have to face those memories… and that means facing him.

  Chapter Five

  A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.

  ~ Elbert Hubbard

  CARTER

  “Damn, dude. What did that calculator ever do to you?” Josh asks, walking into the kitchen.

  I ignore him and continue to punch numbers, frustrated that I’ve been working on the same problem for an hour and still can’t get it right.

  “Okay, I get it. You’re in one of your moods.” He grabs a bowl from the cabinet and pours himself some cereal. “So, I’ll talk and you can just listen, or ignore me, or whatever it is you do when you get like this.”

  Shaking my head, I try to drown out his words. He may hate it when I get quiet and retreat inward, but I hate it even more when he gets chatty in the mornings like a girl.

  “So, I’ve been thinking,” he begins. “We need to invite Jenna and Holly over for dinner sometime. We can hang out and everyone can get to know each other a little better. What do you think?” He’s leaning against the counter, facing me, awaiting my response.

  I glance up to see him stuff a spoonful of cereal into his mouth and watch a trail of milk dribble down his chin. After making a revolting expression, I shake my head and glance back towards my book. For one thing, he’s living in a fantasy world. Jenna hates me and has barely spoken more than a few words to me over the last few months except when she threatened my life if I ever tried to contact Holly. Also, Holly, the girl could barely stand to breathe in my direction without looking like she is in some kind of pain. Inviting them over for dinner and pretending that everyone likes each other doesn’t sound like the best idea.

  It has been two weeks since I saw Holly in the garage and I never called her for coffee. Every time I pick up the phone, I panic and hang up. I’m not even sure why. I wish I had a better excuse, like I don’t have her number or something, but that isn’t the case. I’ve actually had her number for months.

  One day when Jenna was over, I saw her phone lying on the kitchen counter. I could hear her giggling upstairs in Josh’s bedroom so I knew she wouldn’t be coming down anytime soon and see me going through her phone, looking for Holly’s number.

  When I don’t respond to Josh’s proposal, he slides into the seat across from me and chews loudly, annoying the crap out of me. I’m not angry at him. I’m angry with myself; angry that I am too scared to make a stupid phone call, but no matter what, I’m still not in the mood to deal with him. I slam my textbook shut and reach over for my backpack.

  “Okay, it was just a suggestion, man. No need to get angry.” Josh sighs and his spoon falls against the bowl, making a clanking noise. “I just want you and Jenna to get along better. I can’t have my best friend and my girlfriend not liking each other. It makes me feel like I have to choose between the two of you. Besides, I actually think that the two of you would get along great… that the four of us would get along. Now that you and Holly have talked a little and Jenna doesn’t want to castrate you because of it, I think we could have something beautiful here.”

  Did I mention how much I hate him when he gets chatty? Life’s not a Hallmark card, but he’s never been able to understand that. He still has his family all intact. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have your life unravel at an uncontrollable speed. He doesn’t get what it feels like to have people look at you like you should be the one that died that night on the mountain, like you shouldn’t be the one alive right now. I’m shoving my shit into my backpack as fast as possible, wanting to get out of here so I don’t have to listen to him whine anymore about how everything’s not sunshine and rainbows. What does it matter if I don’t get along with his girlfriend anyway? Josh and I can still be friends. Not everyone has to get along with everyone, do they? I push my chair out and it screeches along the tile.


  “Hey,” Josh says, his voice much more serious and louder than before. I stop, grit my teeth, and clutch the strap on my backpack to the point of pain. I’m facing forward with my back towards him and he sighs loudly when I don’t turn around to face him.

  Finally he speaks, “Hey man, I know you’re still going through some rough shit, but you’re not as alone as you think you are.” There’s a long silence, but I still don’t turn around or say anything back to him. “Whatever, man. I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you, you should know that by now, though.”

  When he’s done talking, I don’t say a word. I can’t help feeling this uncontrollable anger inside me, but it’s not because of him. I know the way I’m treating him isn’t right. Even then, all I really want to do is turn around and yell at him... tell him that he has no idea what he’s talking about and to leave me the hell alone. Still going through some rough shit? That’s what he thinks my life has been the last few months? The last few years? Rough? What a joke.

  Instead, I keep my mouth shut and keep moving until I’m back upstairs in my room, knowing that anything I say to him right now, I’ll just end up regretting later. I drop my bag and squeeze my eyes tight. My fists form into tight balls and it takes everything inside me to withstand hitting the wall.

  Even though it’s been a couple weeks since I last saw Holly, she’s all I’ve thought about since that night I walked into the garage. The way she made me feel, especially when she smiled, it’s been hard to focus on anything but her. Even though, deep down, I know it’s wrong for me to want to see her again just for my own benefit, I want to feel that release again. That breath of fresh air my chest got when I saw her smile, I want it again... I need it.

  My eyes shift across my room and I see my phone lying on the bed. Without thinking too much about it, almost as if my subconscious is challenging me head on, I reach for the phone, scrolling through the names until I find Holly’s. When I press the call button, it only rings once before I can feel a full panic attack coming on. I end the call and throw the phone back on the bed, realizing that my chest is rising and falling in deep heavy breaths. What the hell is going on with me? She’s just a girl... It’s just a phone call.

  Forcing myself to get over it, I pick the phone back up. It rings twice before she picks up.

  “Hello?” Her voice is guarded, probably because she just got a hang up from this number. For the life of me, I can’t think of anything to say. I’m even contemplating hanging up the phone again. “Hello?” she says again. This time her voice has some annoyance in it.

  “Hey, Holly.” I take in a deep breath. “It’s Carter.” I squeeze my eyes tight after hearing the desperation and fear in my own voice.

  “Oh, hey.” Her voice is full of surprise, maybe shock.

  “I was going to see if you wanted to go get some coffee or something.” I feel like I’m fifteen again, asking a girl if she’ll go out with me.

  There’s a long silence and I pull the phone away from ear to check and make sure we’re still connected. “You there?” I ask, putting the phone back up to my ear.

  “Um, yeah, I’m here,” she says, her voice is so soft and sweet that just hearing it causes my chest to ache. “I’ve got a class starting in about twenty minutes, but I’ll have a break around noon for a couple hours.”

  Shit, that’s when my Thermo class starts. Screw it, I’ll skip it. I need this more. “That’ll work. Do you know the coffee shop across from the administration building?”

  “Yeah, I’m familiar with it,” she says finally.

  “Okay, so I’ll meet you there around noon then?”

  “Okay.”

  She hangs up and I can’t help feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest, my heart, and my mind. I realize that it’s not just seeing her smile that gives me that release; it’s the sound of her voice, too. Then, I can’t help wondering if I’m the biggest, most selfish asshole on the planet.

  Fifteen minutes later, I’m showered and back downstairs. Josh is lying across the couch, flipping through channels on the T.V., even though I can swear that he has a class this morning.

  “Hey, man,” I say, falling in the chair beside the couch. His right eyebrow rises and he glances at me like he’s never heard me speak before. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me, I pretty much told him to fuck off earlier with the silent treatment I gave him.

  “Hey, yourself,” he says. His voice is muffled since half of his face is buried in a pillow.

  “I’m an asshole.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” he responds.

  “Okay, how about I’m a huge asshole that’s been nothing but a dick to his best friend.”

  “Still not news, man.” He sits up, clicks off the T.V., and then walks into the kitchen. I stand up and follow him.

  “Okay, how about that I’m a huge asshole that’s been nothing but a dick to his best friend, but is going to try and stop being an asshole.”

  “And?” he asks, glancing back to me.

  “And try to stop being a dick.”

  He shrugs. “It’s not perfect, but I can live with that. Apology accepted.”

  HOLLY

  The clock on the wall is moving too fast and I’ve convinced myself that it’s broken. There’s no way class is almost over. I pull my cell phone out of my purse and see that it matches the clock on the wall. Damn, then it’s true. Twenty-five minutes until I’m supposed to head across campus and meet Carter for coffee. Twenty-five minutes until I’m forced to stare one of my fears in the face. Twenty-five minutes left to breathe without feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach with an iron fist.

  “Okay, class. That’s all for today, but don’t get used to getting dismissed early. Today I just feel like being a nice guy; however, it doesn’t happen very often,” Professor Henley says and the class begins to stir.

  My stomach twists as the chatter from students grows louder. Sounds of books slamming shut and zippers closing fill the room. I was on the verge of having a meltdown at the thought of only having twenty-five minutes left. It doesn’t mean you have to go there right away, Holly. Get a hold of yourself.

  Slowly, I stuff my book and notebook into my backpack and decide to take the long way across campus, trying to prolong the inevitable.

  “Hey, Holly!” a shrill voice screams for me and, for once, I’m more than happy to hear it. Truthfully, I’m hoping Becca says that she needs help and it’s an emergency, giving me a perfectly valid excuse to cancel on Carter. God, that is so pathetic.

  Turning around, I see Becca smiling as she approaches.

  “Hey,” she says, breathing heavily like she’s just run to catch up to me. “I was going to see if you wanted to go grab some lunch before our class this afternoon.”

  Damn, not the emergency excuse I’m hoping for. “I’m sorry, but I made plans to go have coffee already.”

  “Oh, okay.” She shrugs. “Some other time, then.” It seems like the last few times she’s tried to talk to me and hang out, I’ve totally blown her off. Until a few months ago, we were pretty close.

  “Do you want to study together sometime? Maybe this weekend?” I ask and her face brightens. “We have the first test in Dr. Langford’s class next week and it would be nice to have a study partner.”

  “Sure, studying would be great.” She smiles.

  “Okay, I’ll call you,” I say, returning her smile.

  When I pull into a parking space at Java Hut, I notice an old FJ Cruiser parked next to me with a mountain rescue team sticker on it. Instantly, my insides turn to mush. I sit there, staring at the sticker and can’t seem to peel my eyes away from it. As much as I try to push the memory away, a very alive, happy and smiling image of Adam pops into my head. He’s kneeling down in the parking lot of his apartment complex and cleaning off a spot on the back of his Jeep.

  “What do you think? Is it straight?” He turned and flashed a wide grin at me.

  “It looks straight,” I t
old him, not understanding why he was making such a big deal about a sticker.

  “Are you sure? I can’t tell from this angle. You need to be sure ‘cause if it’s not straight, then it’s going to bug the shit out of me.”

  “It’s straight.” I laughed at his need for everything to be perfect. He turned back around and placed the round Alpine Rescue sticker on the bottom left corner of his window.

  The vision of him dissolves from my mind, but I still can’t take my eyes off the sticker.

  Seconds later, a horn honks, distracting me. If it wasn’t for the disrupting sound, I’m not sure how long I would have sat there, staring.

  When I walk into the small shop, I immediately spot Carter. His tall frame is pretty much impossible to miss. He’s leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. One of his long legs is stretched out beneath the table and the other is folded back under his chair while his head is covered up with a baseball cap, sitting backwards on his head. There’s a cute brunette leaning against the table and she’s smiling, looking at him like he’s the most interesting thing on the planet. For a moment, I don’t move, I just stand there in the entrance, staring at them, not wanting to ruin the intimate moment between them. There’s a second or two where I actually play with the thought of turning around and running out the door, back to my car. He hasn’t even seen me yet and I can always come up with an excuse for why I can’t meet him. Feeling like the biggest chicken shit on the planet, I shake the stupid idea from my head and try to keep focused, knowing that I’ve come too far to turn back now.