“Finally.” She turns at the waist to look at me. “Geez, late night? You have some major bags under your eyes.”
Actually, yeah, it was a late night. I think it was after two in the morning by the time Carter and I got off the phone with each other. I slide onto a bar stool and prop my elbows up on the counter. “That smells so good,” I say as my stomach growls.
She turns to me and smiles. “Yeah, it’s something Josh was talking about the other day and I thought I’d try it out.”
“What is it?” I lean forward and glance in the pan she’s tending.
“It’s called a frittata.” She shrugs. “I’m not sure how it will turn out, but it does smell good.”
It’s still weird for me to see her cooking; however, it’s just one of the many things that have rubbed off on her since she’s been dating Josh. Reaching over the counter, I grab my laptop to check my emails and see what time we’re supposed to be at the skydiving facility.
Maybe telling her about skydiving will go better than I thought. She seems to be in a good mood; normally, she’s pretty grumpy until noon.
“Have you ever thought about freefalling at two hundred miles per hour?” I ask casually, holding my breath, waiting for her reaction.
“Uh… no. Have you?” Her voice sounds uneasy.
“Yeah, it sounds like fun.”
“I always knew you were weird.” She sighs.
“Come on, I’m serious.” I laugh.
“Yeah, so am I.”
I groan and sit up farther on the stool, knowing that this is going to be just as hard as I thought it would be. “Think about it for a minute. It could be fun.” My voice is teetering on the edge of begging, but I am so desperate for her to join me that I will beg if I need to.
She twirls around, pulls open the refrigerator door, and then looks up at the ceiling as if she’s deep in thought. “Thought about it and it’s still a no... Actually, make that a hell no. It holds no appeal to me.” She pulls out a container of sliced mushrooms and throws them into the pan.
“I hear that you get an adrenaline rush like nothing else.” My voice is sing song. “C’mon the feeling is supposed to be euphoric or something.”
She stops stirring the mushrooms, turns around, and points the wooden spoon she’s holding right at my face. “I don’t know what’s spinning in that little head of yours, but it’s never gonna happen.” The spoon she’s holding rises and falls with her last few words.
“Oh, well. That’s just too damn bad.” I sigh dramatically.
“And why is that?” she asks.
“I made us an appointment to skydive this afternoon. I already paid for it... or half of it anyway.”
Her head whips around to face me, her eyes bulging. “You what?”
“I made us an appointment to skydive this afternoon.” I carefully enunciate each word, just so there’s no miscommunication.
“And what makes you think that I’m gonna go with you?”
“Because you wouldn’t want your best friend going alone.” I smile and glance up through my eyelashes.
“Seriously, what’s your obsession with jumping out of a perfectly good airplane anyway?” she asks, turning back around to stir the ingredients.
“Because, Jenna, it sounds like fun and you were the one who told me that I needed to start having a little more of it. Besides, it’s always been a fear of mine and I’m kind of trying to overcome my fears these days. You’ll love it, I promise.”
Now, she’s leaning on the counter with her arms behind her, facing me. She doesn’t say anything for a moment, but then a wide grin stretches across her face and I can’t help wondering what’s spinning in that head of hers. “Fine.” She raises her eyebrows. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll agree to go skydiving with you, if you agree to sing at Sterling’s at open mic night again.”
My shoulders slump as I contemplate the deal she’s just given me. “Never mind. I’ll go on my own.” Her offer punctures a large hole in my happy balloon and my voice comes out sounding deflated. One day I will sing again, but I’m just not ready for that. There are too many emotions that come with singing; emotions that I am not quite ready to handle just yet.
“Come on, Holly. Why not?” she asks, taking a step towards me. “You just got done saying that you’re trying to conquer your fears. Isn’t getting up on stage and singing again a huge fear of yours?”
Yeah, it is, but for reasons I’m not sure she understands. “I can’t sing right now anyway,” I say, swallowing hard.
“Why?”
“Easy.” I shrug. “I don’t have anything to sing.”
“Liar,” she challenges. “I saw you working on something a few weeks ago, that morning before school.”
I shrug again. “It’s gone. I threw it away.”
A mischievous smile spreads across her lips. “Well, you should count yourself lucky that you have the bestest best friend in the world. I found it in the trash and took it out.” She skips off down the hall and into her room. A couple seconds later she comes back and hands me a flattened, yet crinkled up piece of paper. “It’s beautiful, Holls. You need to sing it and, even if you don’t sing it or finish it, you should at least keep it.”
I stare down at the words, still not believing what she’s done. “You took this from the trash? That’s kind of gross, Jenna.”
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “Well, I had to. You were dumb enough to throw it away and I just couldn’t let you do that.”
“It’s depressing, Jenna.” I scan my eyes back over the miserable words.
“Hey, it’s what you’re feeling right now. It’ll be good for you to look back at it someday and realize how far you’ve come. Besides, aren’t all the great songs depressing and miserable?”
“Okay, okay.” I take in a deep breath, seeing her point. My eyes scan back over the words and then over at Jenna’s face. I think about what I want to do, knowing that singing again would feel so good, but deep down, I’m not sure if I am ready to take that step. Seeing Jenna’s shit-eating grin tells me she thinks she has me.
“So, what’s it gonna be? Are we going skydiving today or what?” she asks.
A part of me knows there’s only one way to wash that smug smile off her face.
“Fine. I’ll sing again, but I get to choose the day,” I offer.
She grins and shrugs. “Fine, as long as you sing at Sterling’s before summer begins, I’ve got no complaints. That should give you plenty of time to finish writing your song.”
“Fine, deal.”
Then her face falls and she suddenly looks ill. “Oh, my God. I’ve just agreed to jump out of an airplane.”
“Yep.” I smile.
❧
Later that day, I try to be the strong one and wear a brave face, but in reality, my insides are a mess. Jenna hasn’t said a word since we left the house and I wonder if she’s having the same thoughts as me—wondering why the hell we’re doing this.
We pull up to the skydive facility and I see a small—very small—plane that’s parked out in front of a large warehouse. I stretch my eyes to the right and glance over at Jenna. She’s staring at the plane, too. I can’t tell, but I think she’s on the verge of a panic attack by the way her chest is raising up and down rapidly.
“Hey,” I say, shoving the car in park and turning to face her, “you don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to.”
She looks over at me and slowly a grin spreads across her lips. “Bullshit, if you think you’re getting off that easy. I’m not going to back out now and miss you singing at Sterling’s again.” She shakes her head, looking back towards the plane. “Nope, we’re going to do this together. It’s something I’ve always thought was stupid, crazy and reckless, but you know what? We’re twenty-one-years-old. How many more years do we have to be stupid, crazy and reckless?”
She’s right. I know that; however, it doesn’t help calm my nerves.
“Come on, let’s do this before my
courage totally evaporates,” she says, getting out of the car.
After signing over our lives on a few pieces of paper, watching a short video, and getting dressed in the appropriate gear, we’re ready to go. Since it’s our first time, we will be going tandem with an instructor and I’m thankful for that. I don’t know if I would have the courage to propel myself out of a plane.
As we walk to the plane, the instructors are going over a few things with Jenna and I, like how we will be clipped together, how to position our bodies when it’s our time to jump, and to remember to breathe when we are spiraling back to earth. I’m not sure how this situation got so flipped around, but I think I’m freaking out more than Jenna right now. Her fear and worry has been replaced with something else… excitement. She looks almost giddy as we climb into the plane and take our seats in front of our instructors. She glances over to me as the plane leaves the ground and smiles.
“This is it,” she screams over the loud engine. “The only way our feet will touch earth again is if we jump from fifteen thousand feet, free fall for sixty seconds, and parachute the rest of the way down, before making a crazy landing back on the ground.”
She is enjoying this way too much. She’s supposed to be freaking out and I’m the one who’s supposed to be excited and encouraging her. I try my best to smile because, deep down, I think she’s having fun with this.
We’ve only been in the air for a few minutes when I glance out the window to see that we are already really high up. My instructor taps me on the shoulder and shows me with a watch on his wrist that we’re at seventy-five hundred feet. Oh, God. My stomach twists as I realize we are going to jump from twice this height. We already look so high up!
“Hey!” Jenna reaches over and grabs my arm.
I turn to face her. “C’mon, loosen up a bit! We are about to skydive! You were right! This is living! We haven’t even jumped yet and I’m already feeling the high!”
I exhale a long breath and take another one in. She’s right. This is it. This is what I want. I want to face my fear. I want to feel alive again. I want to try to convince myself that I can feel something other than sadness.
Before I know it, my instructor is tapping me on my shoulder again, pointing to his altimeter, showing me that it’s go time... fifteen thousand feet. Jenna and her instructor are first. They begin to scoot down the bench and towards the open door. The wind noise is so loud, and all I can think about is what my instructor told me before I boarded the plane. Head back, keep legs straight, and remember to breathe.
Jenna’s feet are dangling out of the plane and I can see her instructor whisper something in her ear. She glances back to me with a smile—a smile that is full of fear, anticipation, and excitement—if a smile can hold all those emotions at once. Her instructor leans back just slightly, his hands on either side of the door, and then he pushes them out. I hear a shrill scream for just a second before it’s just the sound of the loud engines, the wind, and the pounding of my heart in my ears again.
My instructor and I are scooting along the bench, and all I can think about is how quickly Jenna disappeared out the door and into the sky. She was gone in a second. My heart is pounding as the instructor tells me what to do once more as we position ourselves at the door. I don’t hear a word he says. Instead, all my focus is drawn to the ground below and how unbelievably small it looks. My breaths are coming short and quick now as I close my eyes, hoping this will all be over soon. Then I realize that I can’t come all of this way and keep my eyes closed. I open my eyes wide and force myself to look out... to look down.
Shit, shit, shit!
My instructor guides my head back and rests it on his left shoulder. The wind is rushing in through the open door and I feel like I’m in the middle of a tornado. I can feel the instructor lean back just slightly and then propel us out of the door. My stomach drops first and I become disoriented for a few seconds. It’s not until we are level and freefalling that I’m able to focus again, to realize how freaking amazing this feels. I can barely breath, my stomach feels like it’s being squeezed by a vice grip, but it’s the most amazing and freeing feeling that I’ve ever experienced. And it’s freaking amazing!
When the instructor pulls out the parachute, I spend the next few minutes glancing around at the mountains in the distance and taking it all in. I see the landing spot come into focus and my instructor tells me to lift up my legs when we’re getting close to the ground. I do as he says; the landing is smooth and effortless. The instructor unhooks me and helps me to my feet. Just as I stand up, beginning to get my bearings, Jenna runs up to me, screaming. It takes me a minute to process what she’s saying; her voice is so loud and piercing.
“Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!” Jenna yells over and over. “Was that not the most amazing thing ever? Oh, my God. I’ve never felt anything like it. The freefall was ah-mazing! Seriously! The coolest thing ever!” She finishes her outburst and just stares at me, blankly, probably wondering why I’m not sharing her enthusiasm. “So, what did you think?”
As I stand there and stare at her, I feel tears start to sting behind my eyes. I don’t know why that particular emotion is coming out of me right now, but I have an overwhelming feeling to cry. Jenna notices this and pulls me in for a hug. “Hey, did you not like it?”
I shake my head. “No, I loved it. I thought it was the coolest thing ever.” My voice cracks and I fight to keep it together.
Pulling back she looks at me. “Then, why the tears?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.” And that’s the truth. I don’t know. There’s no way to explain why the tears are coming. Maybe this is how I react to an adrenaline rush? Or maybe it’s that skydiving was always a big fear of mine and I have just overcome it.
“Come on, let’s go home,” she says wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
❧
“Hey, do you mind if I call Josh? I can’t wait to tell him what I did,” Jenna asks as we pull back onto the main highway.
“Sure, but I thought you talked to him earlier. You didn’t tell him then?” I ask, turning on the blinker and merging into traffic.
“No, I wasn’t sure I was going to go through with it. I didn’t want to come off sounding like a wimp or something. Now, I can’t wait to tell him. He’s going to flip.” She’s still babbling as she puts the phone up to her ear. “I’ve so gotta bring him out here. He would love this sh—Josh! You’re never going to believe what Holly and I just did.” She tries her best not to squeal, but fails miserably. I can’t help smiling as she fills him in on almost every little detail and tells him what a rush it was. She’s quiet for a minute and then she giggles seductively and starts to whisper into the phone. I have to remind myself not to ask her about that when she gets off the phone.
“Hold on, let me check with her,” she suddenly says, pulling the phone away from her ear and cupping her hand over the bottom of it. “Josh just invited us over to his place for dinner. He says he’s cooking up something new and wants us to try it out.”
“Sure, sounds good,” I say without hesitation.
She puts the phone back up against her ear. “Yeah, we’re in,” she says and then pauses. “Oh, um, let me check.”
She cups the phone again. “Carter will be there. Are you okay with that?”
I give her a quick glance and nod.
“Yeah, we’re in,” she says, speaking back into the phone. “We’ll be there around seven-ish.”
She sighs after she hangs up and leans her head back against the seat. “God, that was so amazing. I can’t get over how fun that was.” Her head falls to the side and I can tell out of my peripheral vision that she’s looking at me. “Did you really have a good time? It seems like I’m the only one who’s going on and on about it.”
“No, I thought it was awesome.” I smile. “Thanks again for doing it with me.”
“No problem. I’m not sure what I would enjoy more, skydiving again or hearing you sing at Sterling’s on open mic n
ight.” She sighs again. “I’ve wanted to hear you sing again for months.”
A sharp pain hits my heart, knowing that I will have to keep my end of the deal, but also knowing that overcoming that fear is going to take a miracle.
Chapter Seven
Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.
~ Joseph Campbell
CARTER
We’re watching some stupid shit on T.V. when Josh’s phone rings. Before he even picks it up, he gets this shit-eating grin on his face and I already know that it’s Jenna who’s calling. In the back of my mind, I’m wondering if Holly actually stuck with her plan for today and went skydiving.
It only takes a couple seconds after he answers before I know that they have actually done it. Jenna is screaming through the phone, telling him every little detail and how much of an adrenaline rush she got from it. I want to roll my eyes when he whispers into the phone and says something about giving her another rush the next time he sees her. I’m about to walk out of the room so they can talk dirty to each other in private, but then he says something that causes me to stop on the edge of the couch. He invites them over for dinner and I’m unable to move as I wait for their answer.
“So, with Carter, it will be the four of us; is that cool?” he asks.
A pain stabs my heart and it makes me feel like shit that he even has to ask that. With how she reacted to seeing me last week, I guess I can see why he does, though. He still has no idea that we’ve had coffee or talked on the phone last night. He holds my stare, then gives me a nod and I feel the pain in my chest slowly disappear.
He sets his phone down and shakes his head. “Damn, I can’t believe they actually went skydiving. I don’t know if I would have the balls to jump out of a plane, but damn if it’s not wicked sexy that she did it.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” I say, staring at the floor. My thoughts are distracted with thinking how it will be between me and Holly tonight. I can’t help but be anxious about seeing her again.
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