“Oh, God, sorry. How much do I owe you for the tire?” Holly mutters and looks down to fumble around in her purse.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s on me,” Patrick says and I look over at him, wondering what kind of game he’s playing.
“What?! I can’t let you do that.” She looks up at him.
“Really, it’s not a big deal,” Patrick says and glances in my direction. “I’ll just put it on Carter’s tab. He’s rung up a big one with how often he brings in that piece-of-shit car he’s got out there.”
I glare over at him, though my expression drops when I see Holly’s head turn in my direction. “He’s full of shit, but don’t worry about the tire,” I tell her. “He’s been robbing me blind for years and he owes me a few favors. Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Without even thinking about it, I grab her hand and lead her towards the door. Even if we’re not a couple, it won’t hurt to make Patrick think we are more than just friends. We walk out of the shop and she hands me the keys to my car. The snow is still coming down, but it’s let up a bit.
On the way over to her house, my cell phone beeps, letting me know I have a voicemail. I don’t check to see who’s called until we arrive at Holly’s and she’s in the bathroom. Hell, I need something to distract the thoughts I’ve been having about her the last couple hours.
All the thoughts of Holly are quickly erased the moment I hear Kelly’s voice. I now see that she called twice and there are two messages. I delete the second one without even listening to the whole thing and shove my phone back in my pocket. It’s the same message she’s been leaving me all week. I really don’t want to deal with this shit right now, but I know that I can’t run away from her or my problems forever. Raking my hands through my hair, I hang my head in my hands, trying to drown out her words from my memory.
“Hey, is everything okay?” Holly asks.
I look up and see her standing just a few feet in front of me, her hair is up in a bun on the top of her head and she looks so sweet, so safe, so warm. I know it’s not right to be having these thoughts right now, but I really want to ask her to lay down on this couch with me and just let me hold her. I feel like, if I could just have her in my arms for a minute, I’d feel better, but as I scan over her face and see the way she’s looking at me, I don’t have it in me to involve her in any of my depressing problems.
“Yeah, everything’s...” I search for the right word, but nothing comes to mind. “Actually, I’ve gotta go. Will you be okay here? I mean, I can take you somewhere if you need me to.”
Her eyebrows draw downward and she shakes her head. “No... I mean, I’m okay here.”
The confused look in her eyes is killing me and I hate that I’m making her feel like this. It was just a couple minutes ago when she left me in the living room and I was fine, but now my whole attitude has changed. She’s too nice to ask any questions and, I hate to admit it, but I’m thankful for it.
I get up and walk towards the front door, yet something stops me before I reach it. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?” I ask her.
She forces out a smile. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I really appreciate your help today.”
Damn, her sad eyes are making me rethink if I should really walk out the door. The past few weeks I’ve gotten used to seeing the real smiles that light up her face. Now, it’s easy to see the smile on her face is forced and I’m tempted to give her an explanation, tell her why I have to leave, but I don’t. There’s no need to involve her with the depressing shit in my life.
“I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Okay.” She nods and I leave, knowing that if I don’t leave now, I may never.
When I’m halfway home, I decide to call Kelly back and she picks up on the first ring.
“Geez, Carter. I’ve been trying to get you all week,” is the first thing she says and she sounds pissed. I guess she has every reason to be, I have been avoiding her all week.
“Sorry. Things have just been a little crazy, but I can talk now… so talk.” I don’t mean to, but I sound like an asshole.
“Really? That’s all you have to say to me. Did you even listen to my messages? God, you’re so freaking aggravating. Where are you anyway?” she asks and her irritation level is rising by the second.
“I’m on my way home.”
“Good, I’ll see you when you get here.”
“What?! You’re at my house?” I scream into the phone.
“Yep. This is what you get for ignoring me all week. I had to come over and see if you were actually still breathing.”
Chapter Thirteen
Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
~ Jackson Brown, Jr.
HOLLY
After Carter leaves, I can’t help feeling… empty.
The emotions that are stirring around inside are beginning to scare me. The possibility of caring for someone again causes my chest to tighten and, the more I think about it, I’m not so sure I am ready for those types of feelings yet.
I can’t deny that when Carter offered to drive me home, I got excited knowing that we could possibly have the entire day to spend together. My heart relaxed knowing that I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him for a few more hours.
Over the past couple months I’ve gotten used to seeing him and then missing him when he leaves.
When I come out of my room and find him with his head in his hands, I can tell that something has happened while I was in the bathroom. His total demeanor has changed. When he tells me he has to leave, I try my hardest not to let him see the pain I feel. I want to question him, but I have no right to.
The rest of the day, I try to keep myself busy with laundry and cleaning around the apartment. Every time I get a free moment to think or feel, my thoughts focus back to Carter. At first, my thoughts are fairly innocent, I wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, and if he’s alright. Then, as much as I try to fight them, my thoughts take a drastic turn. I remember how his muscles had flexed earlier when he was changing my tire and how good his ass looked in his jeans. I try to envision how his skin would feel and taste if I ever got the chance to sample it.
It isn’t until I realize that I’ve been standing in front of the washer—dazed out and holding a pile of shirts—that these thoughts I am having start to feel wrong... these are not thoughts that friends should be having about other friends.
It’s around eleven p.m. when Jenna finally comes through the door. The moment I hear the door open, relief runs through me. I’ve been looking forward to talking to her all day about what I am feeling with Carter. My relief turns to surprise when I see her walking through the door backwards. She’s kissing Josh as he guides her forward. I’m not sure what to do and I start to panic when Josh starts telling her all the places he wants to ‘do’ her in the apartment. I clear my throat and immediately they break apart and Jenna stares at me wide-eyed.
“Shit, Holly. You scared me. I didn’t think you were home. Your car’s not in the parking lot.”
I try to hide my smile when her face turns cherry red. “Yeah, my car’s in the shop. I got a flat tire today and Carter gave me a ride home.”
“Oh,” she says, looking back at Josh. “Sorry, I thought we were alone.”
“Well, don’t let me bother you. I’m about to call it a night anyway,” I say, getting off the couch and walking towards my room. The main reason I stayed up this long, other than to talk to Jenna, is to see if Carter is going to call. Deep down, I’m not sure why, but I don’t expect to hear his voice tonight.
“Goodnight, guys,” I say, passing them, but then stop short. “Oh, and Josh, I just have one request… Can you please avoid the couch?”
Jenna closes her eyes and mashes her lips together, embarrassment spilling out of her. Josh on the other hand looks amused.
“Sure thing, Holly… The couch is off limits,” he says, giving me a devilish smile. I’m not sure who’s enjoying Jenna’s cherry red face more, me o
r him.
As I lay down in bed, I try not to let myself think of Carter and wonder what caused him to act so strange earlier. I’m not sure I should, but I can’t help texting him.
Me: Hi.
Carter: Hi.
Me: Everything okay?
A few minutes pass and I don’t hear anything. When my phone finally chimes, my heart shoots up in my throat.
Carter: Just tired. Going to bed.
A long minute passes and my phone chimes again.
Carter: Goodnight, Holly.
Me: Goodnight.
Great, that doesn’t help me feel any better. It actually makes me feel worse. Something happened with him this afternoon, something he is intentionally keeping from me.
❧
The next morning, I wake up to what sounds like cabinets slamming shut—a lot of them—over and over again. I lay there for a minute, hoping it will stop; hoping I can fall back asleep. After another long minute, it’s clear the noise coming from the kitchen isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Flipping the covers off, I throw on my robe and drag myself into the hallway. With both hands, I rub my eyes, trying to force myself awake and, when I uncover them, I’m blinded forever.
“Oh God!” I scream and cover them back up.
“Shit,” Josh breathes. “Sorry, Holly, I thought you were still sleeping.
“Um… I’m just... ” My voice trails off and I squeeze my eyes shut, using my free hand to guide me down the hall. With each step I take, I try to drown out the vision of seeing Josh totally naked in my kitchen. My hands glide along the wall, finally feeling the opening to my bathroom.
My heart is pounding in my ears, but I swear I hear him laughing. “Sorry,” he says again. “I was just gonna run out here and scramble up some eggs for breakfast.”
And you couldn’t put pants on? I think to myself. “Um, don’t worry about it. I’m just going to—” I find the light switch and shut the door.
When I’m safely guarded from seeing him again, I open my eyes and again try to burn the image of seeing him out of my head. Too nervous to go back out there, I take a shower, shave my legs, floss and brush my teeth.
When I’m back in my room, only a few minutes pass before I hear a knock at my door. Jenna pokes her head through and has a big smile on her face. I return her smile as she walks in.
“Sorry about earlier,” she says, falling back on my bed. “I had no idea he was up and making breakfast, let alone doing it naked. Really, it won’t happen again.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m just going to head out and let you two have some space.”
“Oh, come on, Holly, you don’t have to do that. He decided that scrambled eggs aren’t good enough; he’s out there making breakfast tacos. You should join us.”
“Um, I think I’ll pass.” Even thinking of eating in there right now, especially something that Josh cooked, is not appetizing. The image of him in there, naked, just over thirty minutes ago, it’s just too soon. Then a thought pops into my head and I hang my head forward and sigh loudly.
“What is it?” she asks.
“Do you think you have a few minutes to spare?”
“Uh, sure. Why?”
“I need a ride to the auto shop. They told me my car should be ready this morning.”
“See, it’s a sign. You need to stay and eat breakfast with us.”
Looking over at her, I give her my best pleading look. I’m not in the mood to argue with her right now. I really just want to get my car and have my freedom back.
“Fine,” she says, sitting up and bouncing off the bed. “Let me just go get dressed.”
Luckily, I make it out of the apartment with only giving Josh a quick glance and an even quicker goodbye. On the way over to the auto shop, I almost tell Jenna about the feelings I think I may have for Carter, but I decide to keep my mouth shut until I can figure them out a little better myself. In the back of my mind, I know that I need to see him in order to sort them all out. Eventually, I know that I need to talk to him and see what he is feeling, too. Maybe this is just one sided. Maybe I need to get over the idea of ever being with him like that and stop thinking about running my hands all over him.
Jenna pulls up to the auto shop and I hop out. “Thanks for the ride, I’ve got some errands to run today, but I’ll see you later.”
“Are you sure you won’t come back for breakfast?”
“I’m sure, but thanks.”
She sighs and drives off. I feel kind of bad for not taking her up on the breakfast offer, but there is actually somewhere else I want to be. Once the thought enters my head, I’m even more determined to get my car back and get going with my plan.
When I walk into the auto shop, I’m relieved to see that Patrick isn’t working. He seems like a nice guy, but the way he looked at me yesterday made feel uncomfortable and I don’t have Carter here with me this time. Instead, there’s an older gentlemen who’s friendly and hands me my keys without looking at me like he wants to lick me.
Keeping up with my plan, I head to the grocery store and gather up the items I need to make my favorite food in the world… crunchy French toast. While I walk the aisles, I try to call Carter a couple times, but he doesn’t answer. Even though it’s kind of rude to just show up, I want to see him and make him breakfast for helping me out with my car yesterday. It’s the least I can do.
There’s another reason I want to see him so badly. I want to make sure he is okay and see if he wants to talk to me about anything. I’m not sure what happened when I left him for those few minutes yesterday, but whatever it was, it upset him pretty badly. I know what keeping something locked inside can do to a person; how it can eat away at you and send you into the depths of darkness.
When I pull up to his house, I see his car in the driveway and my heart hammers, knowing that I’ll see him soon. A couple months ago, seeing his face or hearing his voice felt like a punch in the stomach and stole the air out of my lungs, making it hard to breathe. Now, after getting over that fear and facing him, I can’t imagine not seeing him every few days or talking to him on the phone. He has become an important part of my life. If I’m being honest, it’s beginning to scare me how much I’m relying on him. If more than a few days pass and I don’t see him, my heart will ache until I see him again. There are some days when I feel like, if something happened and I didn’t have him in my life, I may slip back into that dark hole that I have worked so hard to dig myself out of.
I grab the bag of groceries, hurry up the flagstone path and knock on the door. I see a blurry image through the frosty glass and a smile stretches across my lips. There’s some fumbling with the lock, the door pulls open, and I see a girl standing there. My smile falls and my heart crashes. Even worse, it isn’t just a girl... it’s a really, really hot girl.
My head spins and the flashbacks of seeing the name Kelly flash across Carter’s cell phone come rushing back. So maybe he does have a girlfriend; a girlfriend that he never told me about. Why wouldn’t he tell me? Why is this bothering me? It shouldn’t matter if this hot chick standing in front of me is his girlfriend; Carter and I are just friends, right? But if we are just friends, then why the hell does it hurt so bad? Why does it feel like my chest is being squeezed by a vice grip?
“Can I help you?” the girl asks me, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Uh, is Carter here?” I notice my voice sounds strangled. As I look her over, I can’t help noticing that her hair is wet, like she just got out of the shower, and she’s dressed in a long shirt, probably his, and a pair of boxer shorts, again, probably his. Jealousy hits me square in the chest and a horrible feeling fills my stomach, making me feel like I’m going to be sick.
“He’s in the shower, but you can come in and wait for him.” She opens the door wider, gesturing me inside. “I’m Kelly, by the way.”
And there it is… the final confirmation I needed—I don’t belong here. Just then I hear his deep voice coming from somewhere inside the house. “Hey, Kel
ly, what do you want for breakfast? I’m not in the mood to cook. You wanna just go get something?”
Hearing his voice sends another pain, starting with my heart, and then traveling to every nerve in my body.
“Um, I’ve gotta go,” I mutter, turning away from the door and heading back down the sidewalk towards my car.
Why did I just react like that? I have no right to act like a jealous, crazy girlfriend. Carter and I are just friends. I open the passenger side door and throw the bag of groceries inside, not caring as the bag tips over, spilling the groceries out on the floorboard. As I jog back over to my side of the car, I hear the front door open.
“Holly!” Carter calls for me, but I keep my head down and continue to make my way to the other side of the car. Why couldn’t he just have taken a few more seconds to get out of the shower and get dressed, or halfway dressed? I make the stupid mistake of glancing over and see that he’s only wearing a pair of jeans and no shirt, leaving his amazingly bare chest fully exposed.
Shit. Don’t look, stay focused. I fight to catch my breath, but can’t help feeling the pressure that is clamping down on it.
“Hey, Holly!” he calls again and I can see that he’s jogging towards me.
“Sorry, I should’ve called before coming over,” I say when he’s a few feet from me. “Actually, I tried to call, but you didn’t answer and now I see why. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.” I keep my head down, trying to find my stupid keys in my stupid, disgusting purse and doing whatever I can not to look at him.
“C’mon, you don’t have to call before coming over, you know that. I would like to know where you’re going, though.”
“Home.” My voice is flat. After finding my keys, I unlock my door and try not to look at the chest that is luring me in like a moth to a flame. I hate that he didn’t tell me about his girlfriend. I hate that he invokes these feelings in me. I hate that he looks amazingly hot standing there beside me. Most of all, I hate that—even though I’m really pissed right now—I still want him; I’m still fighting the urge to reach over and kiss him.
Fall From Love Page 15