Fear spreads throughout my body and my legs feel weak beneath me. My mind is racing. What could he possibly have to tell me? Adam died during a rescue... what else did I need to know? I squeeze my eyes tight and shake the thoughts out of my head. Why is he doing this?
“Carter, I know what happened and I prefer not to relive it. Please don’t do this.”
“No, you don’t know everything.” He pauses for a moment, his face strained. “Did you know that I was out there with him that night?”
An image of him in the hospital with dirt smeared and his jacket ripped down the side enters my mind. I don’t answer him, but I feel my face contort and pain courses through every inch of my body.
“Did you know that Adam was covering my shift for me that night? Earlier that day, I found out my dad died from a heart attack and Paul called in Adam to take my place.”
My eyes close and I recall Adam telling me that they were one guy short, something about a last minute cancellation.
“Stop.” I open my eyes and see the pain in his. “Please, I don’t want to hear anymore. I don’t want to hear it,” I repeat those words over and over again, but he doesn’t listen; he doesn’t stop.
“After I decided to go on the rescue with them, I was responsible for Adam that night. It was my decision to descend during the storm. We should’ve waited. I was supposed to watch out for him. It was—”
“Stop!” I scream. “Just stop!” I begin to back away from him, feeling the hot tears streaming down my face. “I asked you to stop! I don’t want to hear anymore!” My voice is shaking.
“Holly, please—”
“Just stop talking!” I yell at the top of my lungs. “I didn’t want to know all of that. I didn’t want to know!” I scream as though the louder my voice gets, the more the pain will flow out of me.
His face twists. “I’m sorry, but I had to tell you. I couldn’t look at you anymore, knowing that you didn’t know the truth,” he says, taking a couple steps towards me.
I take two back, wanting to keep the distance between us. “I can’t do this.” I shake my head. My mind is still swimming with the words he said. “I can’t do this,” I say again, taking a few more steps closer to the door. Without saying another word to him, I turn around, wanting to find Jenna and have her bring me home.
Before I reach the door, though, it flies open and Josh is standing there, looking at me. “What the hell is going on out here?”
Within a few seconds, Jenna is standing beside him and they’re both staring at me with a horrified expression.
Jenna’s face turns to anger and her eyes fly over to Carter. “What did you do? You told her, didn’t you?! Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?” Jenna yells at him. “I told you all it would do was hurt her!”
My head spins at what she just said. She knew? My heart hammers in my chest and then it all makes sense. Jenna has known all along; Travis and the words he said to me at the football game finally make sense. I feel like a complete fool. Everyone has known.
“You knew?” I ask, looking directly at her.
Her face falls as she looks back over at me. “Holly, I was just trying to protect you.”
“By lying to me? By keeping something like this from me?” My voice rises with each word that escapes my lips.
She takes a couple steps towards me and reaches out for me, but I move away. “I knew how badly you wanted to forget that night. I tried to tell you once, but then, after some time passed, I didn’t think you wanted to know the details. Holly, please, you have to understand.”
I shake my head over and over, trying to drown out her voice.
“You’re a liar!” I say, choking back the tears. “This whole time you’ve been lying to me. Even when I started to have feelings for him—real feelings—you didn’t think it was a good time to tell me then?” My voice sounds hoarse from yelling and it cracks on the last word. I wipe away my tears.
Tears are streaming down her face, too, and there’s not one ounce of me that wants to console her. There is so much anger in me right now; I’m not sure what to do with it all.
“Hey, let’s all calm down and come inside to talk this out,” Josh says, his voice is soft and quiet as he grabs Jenna’s shoulders, giving them a light squeeze.
My eyes focus on Jenna and I squeeze my eyes tight, hoping to keep the next round of tears bottled up. “I’m tired of talking,” I say, opening my eyes and pushing past Jenna.
“Holly, wait. Please don’t leave so upset.” She tries to reach out for me, but I move away and keep walking down the hall. “We can go home and talk this out, okay,” she says.
Stopping abruptly, I whirl around to face her. She jerks to a stop and swallows hard. “Don’t follow me. Leave me alone. I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. To. You,” I say, through gritted teeth.
Chapter Twenty
Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.
~ Barbara de Angelis
HOLLY
It has been two days since my explosion over at Josh and Carter’s house. I haven’t heard from Carter and I’m pretty sure I won’t. The way I talked to him the other day, I’m not sure he’ll ever speak or look at me again. Truthfully, I’m not ready to face him just yet, anyway.
That night, when I got home, I lied in bed and cried. I cried for Carter and the pain I saw in his eyes when he opened up to me and told me what he had been keeping bottled up for so long. I cried for Jenna and the friendship I feared I ruined forever. I cried for Adam. I cried for what we had together and what we would never have. I cried because, deep down, it felt like I was finally letting go of him. There would always be a part of me that would love and cherish him and that thought gave me some peace.
Jenna comes home the following morning and I spend the entire day crying on her lap and begging for her forgiveness. All the things that I said to her the night before, I regretted them the moment they came out of my mouth. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized just how sorry I was and hoped that she would forgive me. She has been nothing but a great friend to me and I wouldn’t have survived without her. She did keep things from me, however, it wasn’t to be mean or to hurt me; she honestly thought she was protecting me.
“Hey, we are in need of groceries in a bad way and I’m not sure I can stomach any more takeout. Do you feel like getting out and going grocery shopping with me?” Jenna asks, standing in the kitchen.
I shrug. “Not really.”
She comes to sit beside me on the couch. “Holly, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m worried about you. You’re starting to scare me.”
I nod my head. “I know; I’m scared, too.” I am. The past few months I’ve tried really hard to dig myself out of the dark hole I’ve been in and, now, it feels like I’m slowly slipping back into it. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to put Jenna through that again.
“Do you need anything?” she asks.
“No, I just need some more time. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Okay, well, I’m going to go get us some food. I’ll get us the good stuff... you know, ice cream, cookies… ooh, maybe I’ll bake us a cake, a chocolate one with strawberry icing. How does that sound?”
“Sounds good.” I laugh at how her whole face lights up.
“Be back soon,” she says, grabbing her purse and heading out the door.
While she’s gone, I try to get some laundry done. I’m determined not to let myself become that horrible, disgusting witch I was a few months ago.
After folding a load of towels that were in the dryer, I walk in my bathroom to put them up and catch a glimpse of myself the mirror, shuddering at the reflection staring back at me.
Blasting the hot water, I’m more determined than ever to erase the reflection in the mirror. Gripping the bottom of my shirt, I begin to pull it over my head whe
n I hear my cell phone ringing in the living room. Hope shoots through me when I think it could be Carter calling. I would do anything to hear his voice right now, even though I’m not sure what I would say to him if I do? Deep down, I’m embarrassed at the way I acted the other night. It took a lot of courage for him to tell me the truth about that night and I threw it back in his face. Releasing my grip, I let my shirt fall back down and reach over to turn off the water.
When I finally reach my phone, it stops ringing and Missed Call – Josh is displayed on the screen. Immediately, my throat feels thick and a wave of humiliation washes over me. Not wanting to give myself any reason to chicken out, I tap his name and press send.
“Hey, Holly.”
“Hi, Josh.”
“How are you?” he asks.
“I’m okay.”
“Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Uh sure, Jenna just ran out for some groceries,” I answer.
“Yeah, I just got off the phone with her. I wanted to wait and talk to you when she wasn’t around. She doesn’t really want me talking to you right now.”
Feeling a horrible pain in my chest, I take a deep breathe in. “What is it that you want to talk about?”
“Well, I want to talk to you about that night… the night of the accident. Is that okay? I won’t talk about it if it’s gonna upset you.” He pauses. “You can tell me if you’re not ready.”
I squeeze my eyes tight and bite my lower lip. “It’s okay,” I breathe into the phone.
“Just tell me to stop if it gets to be too much, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, gulping loudly.
“I’m not sure what Carter told you the other night, but I know he feels this guilt for what happened and I want you to know that it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t up there that night, but Paul was and he told me everything. Carter’s the best rescue guy we have and he did everything he could. When the storm rolled in, they were in a hurry to get down as fast as possible, but when the rain started and the wind picked up, they somehow lost their footing along the ridge and were both knocked off. Carter slid for a hundred feet or so, but he was able to get control and stop himself. When Carter finally saw Adam, he realized that he had fallen a lot farther and Carter almost died himself trying to get to him. There wasn’t anything anyone could’ve done. It was Carter’s call to head back down the mountain, but he made the call based on what he was trained to do. Being a part of the rescue team is risky—plain and simple—and unfortunately, accidents happen. Adam knew that, too.” He sighs. “Listen, Holly. Carter has questioned that night so many times, in so many ways... he believes that if he could’ve gotten to Adam sooner, then maybe things could’ve been different. If they had just waited out the storm, or if Adam had never been called to take Carter’s place, it’s possible that Adam could be here today,” he pauses for a moment, “I just don’t want you to blame Carter.”
“I don’t,” I whisper, wiping away tears from my cheek. “I don’t blame him.”
He clears his throat. “Well, he’d probably like to hear you say that. The way you left here the other night, I’m pretty sure he took it that way.”
I swallow the thickness in my throat. “How is he?”
“I don’t know. He’s been on the mountain the last few days. This is what he does; he’s pretty good at escaping life. I’ve tried calling him, but he won’t answer his cell. I’m gonna go up there tomorrow if I don’t hear from him.”
“Will you call me and let me know. I mean, when you finally talk to him.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
❧
I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my mind off what Josh told me earlier in the day. Even though I know I needed to hear it, it hurts too much to think about. Luckily, Jenna comes home and distracts me. She has bags full of junk food and, even then, she still insists on baking the chocolate cake with strawberry icing.
Jenna spends most of the afternoon trying to convince me to go with her to Josh and Carter’s later that evening. If I thought there was the slightest chance Carter would be there, I would’ve gone, but after talking with Josh earlier in the day, I know he won’t be.
“You sure you won’t come with me? I think we’re just going to watch movies,” Jenna says slinging her purse onto her shoulder. Translation: Josh and I are going to put a movie in and make out like two sex-crazed teenagers. My heart aches because I can’t help thinking of the inside joke between Carter and me.
“No, I’m good.” I smile. “Go already. It’s been three days since the two of you have seen each other. I don’t know how you’re not climbing the walls.”
“I’m not that attached to him,” she argues.
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes playfully at her.
“C’mon, I’ll even have Josh sit on the floor or something so we won’t be tempted to even touch each other.”
I laugh. “No, really, I’m okay here. Now, go before you get on my nerves.”
“You’re such a bitch,” she says it like she means it, but the smile on her face tells me differently. “Just call me if you need anything, okay?”
“I will,” I say, smiling back.
I’m not really in a happy smiling mood, but I do it to make her feel better and so she’ll go actually have fun tonight. I know she misses Josh. She hasn’t seen him for a few days, being my babysitter and all.
When she leaves, I turn on the T.V. and start folding the pile of laundry on the couch. A loud beeping noise brings my attention to the screen and I glance over to see a weather alert flash across the screen.
WINTER STORM WARNING: FREEZING TEMPERATURES AND HEAVY SNOW FOR DENVER AND SURROUNDING AREAS
I glance out the window and see the snow has already started to fall and I’m thankful that Jenna got out of here before the storm hit.
The hours pass slowly and it’s around eleven when I finally give up for the night. My thoughts have been on Carter for most of the night and, as much as I want to call him, I’m still not sure what to say to him.
Dragging myself to the bathroom to get ready for bed, I flick on the light and smile at the message that Jenna has written on the mirror with bright red lipstick. How had I missed her doing this?
CALL CARTER, YOU’LL FEEL BETTER
God I love her. I’m not sure why it takes seeing that message to know what I have to do. It’s the same thing I have been fighting doing all night. Running back to the living room, my eyes scan the couch and coffee table for my phone, but I don’t see it. I run back to my room and see it lying on my bed and my whole body aches from the anxiety of hearing his voice soon. The voice that I used to fear has now turned into a voice that I ache to hear. Right now, I need to hear it more than my next breath.
Pressing call, I hold my breath and wait. There’s not a single ring before the call goes straight to voicemail. I fall back on my bed, my mind desperately working, trying to think of what to do next, and knowing I have to talk to him. Searching the internet on my phone, I find the phone number for the mountain rescue headquarters and don’t hesitate.
After three rings someone picks up, but it’s not Carter.
“Mountain rescue, this is Paul.”
My stomach clenches and I use my free hand to grip around my waste. “Hey, Paul, this is Holly... Holly Treadwell.” I’ve met Paul a couple times at Josh and Carter’s and then the day at the football game. “Do you remember me?”
“Oh, yeah, of course. How are you?”
“Good, thanks. I’m actually looking for Carter. Is he around?” My voice is impatient. I take in a slow, deep breath and wait. And wait....
The silence is torturous, but he finally answers. “Carter’s out right now, but I’ll tell him you called, okay?”
I picture Carter shaking his head at Paul, telling him that he doesn’t want to talk to me. I only have myself to blame, it shouldn’t have taken me this long to call him. “Can you just tell him that I really need to talk to him? Please. It’s important.”
&nb
sp; There’s the same long silence again. “I’ll have him call you when he gets back, okay?” he says, his voice firm.
“Is everything okay, Paul?” I’m not sure why, but the tone in his voice is causing fear to crawl up my spine. “Paul, is everything alright?” I ask again.
He exhales loudly. “Listen, Holly, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but Carter and a few other guys are out on a rescue right now. They were on their way back down when the snowstorm hit and they had to take shelter.”
I glance out my window, seeing the black night, the snow falling hard and thick; remembering what the weather alert had said about freezing temperatures and heavy snow.
“They’re still on the mountain?” I choke out.
“Yeah,” his voice is low.
The room begins to spin and I can’t help feeling distant, yet familiar memories, eek their way back into my head.
“Holly, don’t worry okay?” he says. “They’re gonna be fine. I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets back, alright?”
I can’t say anything back to him because the only thing my mind is able to process at this moment is the worst case scenario. The phone drops from my hand and I hear it land on the floor at my feet. This is not happening. This is not happening again.
Without thinking twice about it, I run into the living room, glancing around the room for my keys, finally seeing them lying on the coffee table. The little voice in the back of my mind is telling me that what I’m about to do is probably not my best idea ever, but I ignore it, knowing that I have to do something. Sitting around and waiting for that phone call from him just isn’t good enough. Regret, guilt and fear begins to consume me and I know there’s only one way to stop these emotions, and that’s seeing Carter. Making sure he’s safe and sound and telling him that I don’t blame him, that I’m sorry for yelling at him.
After typing in the address to the mountain rescue headquarters into my GPS, I back out of the parking lot.
The roads are in pretty good condition as I drive through town, but I immediately notice the difference when I get a mile or so outside of the city limits. The snow is falling thick and my wipers fan across the windshield at full speed. I take it extra slow, especially when my car’s expected to take sharper turns, the higher up the mountain road I get.
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