Yes, Charlie had done what was required of him and helped others, but Sully, in challenging the powers that be, had touched lives in a way the practiced angel could only imagine. Charlie wanted to tell Sully his rebellion was what made him special, the most genuine kind of spirit. But he was afraid. He feared Sully might have gone too far in trying to save Gillean, so far as to lose himself in the process. Or maybe, Charlie prayed, Sully would at long last find himself.
Letting Go
“You can’t be serious.” She stared at him over her coffee cup, seeming amused by his out of character pronouncement, and slightly annoyed that he had disrupted their leisurely breakfast.
Gillean carried his mug and plate containing a half-eaten meal to the dishwasher. He didn’t wish for a prolonged discussion about his decision. He had laid awake most of the night gazing into Ciar’s sleeping face. He hoped he would be able to read her expression to guide his direction. She grew more beautiful every day, and also more demanding. Watching her lost to the world of dreams, Gillean realized how immature she was. She possessed the same self-centered drive he’d had in his youth. She had no concerns other than her art, and to have him all to herself. He had already left his wife, a decision that incessantly prodded him with the sharp point of self-reproach. It wasn’t that he had left Adara, but how, and Ciar’s relentless request that he have little or no contact with his children, forced Gillean to take a sobering look at where his life was headed if he stayed with her. He didn’t like the portentous shadows.
Wiping his hands on a dishtowel, he was overcome with the sensation that he was an incredibly long way from where he was supposed to be. He felt as if someone had knocked him over the head and dragged his unconscious body to a deserted location to be held for ransom. He did his best to keep his tone patient, knowing full well he had made the choice to come to her. If she was his jailer, he had supplied the key.
“I’m quite serious. I need some time on my own. Things have happened too fast for me to process.”
“What things? Isn’t this, aren’t I, what you wanted?” She slammed her cup against the saucer, splashing coffee onto the lace tablecloth.
He paused, leaning both hands on the marble countertop, grasping for the right words to avoid her wrath. But whatever he said, she was going to give him one hell of a fight. “I want to be sure of these life-altering decisions I’m making. I’ve already caused enough pain to those who didn’t deserve it.”
“You mean your wife.” She sat back allowing the front of her dressing gown to open. He paid no heed to the promise of her body.
“For starters, yes. Adara did nothing to merit my deserting her in such an abrupt way.”
“I suppose she’s as pure as the driven snow.”
“Please, let’s keep this between you and me. You don’t know my wife. There is nothing to gain by throwing mud at her.”
“Alright, Gilly, just between you and me.” She got up from the table and stood on the other side of the counter, facing him head on. “What have I done that you should decide I am no longer what you want? You use me for your pleasure. You care nothing for me and my feelings?”
“Ciar, no.” He took her hands in his. “But you refuse to be practical about my responsibilities. I will not desert my children. And yet you seem determined that I should never see them.” He stroked her fingers. “Maybe time apart will help us both to see things in a different light.”
She wrenched away from him angrily.
“Do you know what? I’m sick to death of being used and discarded by men who remember their responsibilities. I made it clear what I expected should you choose to be with me, and you didn’t seem to mind when you were in my bed. I see you for what you really are.”
She strutted over to him, lacing her fingers through his belt loops. “I see exactly the kind of man you are, and your priorities.” She tugged on his trousers, forcing him forward, and then pushed him away as he attempted to regain his balance.
“You can add me to the list of those you have exploited. I hope you’ll remember that when you are in the company of your children. What a fine example to your sons you will be. Maybe I will find someone who truly means it when he says he loves me. Thanks for all your lies. They will make for good company at night, I’m sure.” She walked away from him. “Please leave your key when you go.”
His heart sank. The little amount of food he had eaten tossed about in his stomach. He had anticipated a fight, a tantrum of epic proportions from his lover, a sure and explicit show of outrage. He was not prepared for her hurt and distress. There was truth in what she said. He had told her he loved her, expressed it freely at the time, wanting the words to bring them closer and save him from the abyss he was falling into. But his proclamation had only made the descent that much deeper.
After gathering what little personal effects he had accumulated, he found her tucked in bed clasping a pillow to her chest.
He lowered his tired body next to her.
“Do you mean to go?” she asked in a hushed tone.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you.” He was taken aback by the deepness of her eyes. Their color shifted from light to dark. He believed he could perceive the soul of more than one woman veiled in the multihued lenses. “Can’t you understand?” He broke his earlier resolution to take his leave with as little drama as possible. But something, the pointed briar lodged in his heart, would not let him walk away—at least not without trying to get through to her and relieve himself of the sting. “Most women would think it an admirable quality for a man to want to be a good father to his children.”
“I’m not most women.”
“And if it were your child that I was a father to?”
“Are you making me an offer?” she leered.
He sighed, wholly defeated by her evasive attitude. “I’m simply saying if you and I had a child, wouldn’t you want me to do right by him or her?”
She sat up and leaned against the silk covered pillows, her knotty hair falling about her shoulders. “You can’t even do right by me. And you expect me to admire your commitment to a non-existent child?”
“I’m trying to do right by everyone I care for.” He placed his hand under her chin, lifting her face to his. “I didn’t say this is goodbye.”
“You’ve used up all your time. Don’t play me for one of your fanatical, little groupies.” She pushed the covers away to reveal her naked body. “This is who I am.” She took his hand and strategically placed it on her thigh. “I am an artist. I live by my passions. Take me as such, and we will live out our greatest desires together.” She leaned in to tease his lips with her kiss.
Gillean’s resolve began to waver as she continued to tempt him with her touches.
Her lips were pressed against his ear. “Do you want to walk away from all we can have?”
Words tripped over each other, whispers coming from within. It was not his voice but another, speaking in the ancient Celtic tongue and floating above her beguiling promise. The sounds were both words and notes. It was impossible to separate the music from the language. His mind and body were in unison, responding not to her, but to the superb ensemble playing inside.
A black thorn has pierced your heart, but I am the mate of your soul. Look for my eyes, and become whole.
Gillean quickly disengaged from her, rising from the bed as if coming out of a trance. He was amazed to find that her inveigling body was merely a beauteous disguise. There was nothing inside of the gorgeous shell reflecting anything close to compassion or caring. Hers was a dead soul housed within a live being.
“I have to walk away from you, Ciar. You and I are not kindred souls. We don’t strive to create the same art.”
She knelt on the bed as if she was a goddess in his eyes. “You don’t know what you have to lose if you leave me.”
“Maybe not.” He backed away from her, blind to her physical attraction. “But maybe my leaving has more to do with something I need to find.”
~~~
>
Sully woke in a cold sweat, his body convulsed with involuntary shivers. Hauling himself up against the wall, he drew the covers to his damp cheeks and assessed the surroundings through blurred vision. A sliver of dying moonlight lying across a plank in the floor gave him the indication as to where he was. Turning his throbbing head he noted that Charlie was already gone. Sully’s spirit sank. He was too weak to move, and frightened for Adara. She couldn’t see him like this. He had no idea what was wrong with him, but he knew he was not well.
“Oh Lord, please,” he groaned.
His hands began to itch and burn. He fought to free them from the bandages. Pungent nausea mixed with the sting of open wounds. His tortured mind searched for a reason as to why his hands should be in such a serious state, when they had seemed well on their way to healing.
“I told you those burns would be reminders of your humanity and the deal we made.” She sat on the one, lighted spot in the room, causing the darkness to envelope her. Or was it she who doused the light? Sully couldn’t be sure whether she was real and he was truly awake, or whether she was merely a visitor in one of his frequent night terrors.
He spoke over the swelling in his throat. “Why are ya here? Ya concluded yer business with me, Ciar.”
She turned her glistening eyes to him. “Did I?” She was a marauder laying in wait for her victim. If this was a dream, there was a fine line dividing it and reality. Sully shivered anew.
“Stupid boy! Beg your pardon, you’re a man now! A stupid, human man! And you are always fair game.”
“I’m not playin’ any more games with you.” He lay down, trying to breathe past the scorching of his hands.
She clucked at him like a mad hen. “But our games bring me such pleasure. Having a man’s complete adoration, especially a man who is used to being the one adored, is a heady thing you know.”
She waited for a response. Receiving none, she continued. “I know Gillean’s wife is here. Score one for me. And I didn’t have to lift a finger. I can’t wait to tell Gilly all about Adara’s new lover—should put his guilty conscious to rest. Poor bugger was worried about the grief he’d caused her. He’ll be relieved to know Adara is doing quite well for herself, don’t you think?”
Sully lay perfectly still, believing if he did not give her any provocation she would leave, or he would wake from his troubled sleep and the misery would subside. He summoned all his reserves to wait her out.
Ciar crossed her legs underneath her, sitting like a devotee of a dark and dangerous power .“Adara is a fierce one herself. Found you like a needle in a haystack. Bet she makes good use of that energy in bed, eh, Sully? Where is she now, indisposed?”
The instinct to pull the covers over his head and wait vanished. She had overstepped the bounds by disrespecting Adara. He swiftly got out of bed, and moved towards the blackness. He didn’t care about the burst of pain when his hands made contact with Ciar’s body, taking her in a mighty grip.
“Let me make somethin’ clear. If ya renege on yer deal with me, or if you initiate any contact with Adara or her children, I will destroy you.”
She laughed. Her pearl-white teeth shone. “Right-you, a powerless little man, destroy me. Just remember, I’ve still got something you want. Something I know you will be more than willing to bargain for. That is, if you truly love Gillean.”
He stared into her eyes as if he were standing on the precipice of nonexistence. He didn’t flinch. “You’ve got nothin’ on me but a promise. And if ya should make the fatal error of breakin’ it—meanin’ Gillean is still free to leave ya any damn time he wants—I swear you will be held accountable.”
His grasp on the indefinable woman weakened as her body dispersed into the shadows of the pre-dawn. He stood alone in the room, his feet on the portion of weak light upon which Ciar had sat.
Her voice drifted over the sounds of cricket song and the breeze. “I can change anything I want, at any time, little boy.”
“I won’t let you! I won’t!” he cried out.
He was curled up in a ball in the middle of the room mumbling when Adara found him. She knelt down and wiped his fevered face with her hands.
“Sully, what is it? What’s happened?”
He attempted to stagger to his feet, but his legs would not obey.
“Are you hurt?” She folded her arms around him.
His exposed hands had returned to their semi-healed state. But reality swept over all his senses with a wide, broad stroke of emotion. “I made a mistake.”
“Don’t talk nonsense. You have nothing to regret,” she said reassuringly. “Is Charlie not here?” she asked.
“Charlie had to leave.” He forced out the words with staggered breath. “He trusts me, and I…I am such a selfish man.” He was sharply conscious of Gillean’s absence, seeing him in the bits of violet in her eyes. “Yer Gillean’s wife.”
He tried to move away from her, but she held him back. “No.” Her hair fell against his cheek. “I’m not Gillean’s wife. I am a person in my own right.”
“I didn’t mean to imply—”
“I know you didn’t, but it’s important for me to say it after years of silence. You are the reason I found my voice, why I truly know who I am. You once asked me what I dreamed of—what I wanted. Don’t you know that you have already given it to me? I love you, Sully. I love you!” She rocked him in her arms, kissing his dark hair.
Behind closed eyes he could see Gillean reaching out one last time for help as Ciar tried to take his life. Sully had never felt so absolutely helpless. Ciar’s vile words played over Adara’s admission of love. Ciar had told him of Gillean’s wish that Sully should know what it was like to be human—a man—so that he could truly know what his soul mate grappled with every day of his life. Sully recognized in Adara’s affectionate face the fulfillment of Gillean’s wish. He knew with every fiber of his being what it meant to be a man in love with another, forced to lie to protect his secret and those he cared for. This wisdom was more unbearable than any wound Ciar could inflict. Sully’s heart was now opened, frantically wanting to take Gillean inside. But now Gillean’s innocent wife was offering herself. Ciar predicted as much. It was up to him to make the right decision. If he only had himself to consider, he wouldn’t think twice of telling Adara the truth. But his decision was designed to affect those he loved in a way which was not known to him.
“Adara, ya have yer freedom. Don’t make the wrong choice. Don’t be like Gillean and me.”
“You’re nothing like Gillean.” She touched a finger to his lips. “No more talk about him now. Can’t we just hold one other for a little while?”
He was worn out, feeling as if he had negotiated a blizzard. What was one more decision made while snow blind? Maybe he could allow Adara a few moments of peace before the storm hit full force again. “Alright. Yes, let’s hold each other for a little while.”
She tenderly pulled him up from the floor and helped him back to his bed.
Take Care
Sully’s arms encircled her as they lay in his makeshift bed. She had been lost for so long, aimlessly wandering through her life, dedicated to the duties of a wife and mother. But something had been left broken and unattended inside. She carried the damage with her—through the lean years, the rise of Gillean’s career, the birth of their children, and the charmed life filled with amenities. But the broken piece had grown more serrated and painful the longer it was ignored.
Sully had bravely reached into her heart and leveled the cracks like a patient craftsman restores a forgotten creation. The feelings he evoked were different than anything she had known before. Not since she was a young girl had she identified with what it meant to be free to envision a life for herself, based on the principles and ideals that mattered to her.
At seventeen, she was making the difficult transition from the labyrinth of adolescence into the realm of attainable, mature dreams—mainly her dancing. But the wayward Gillean had stymied her growth with his inces
sant need to be at the front and center of her universe. His presence had permeated her life. The stage simply hadn’t been large enough to accommodate both the dancer and the singer. Like all Irish girls of her generation, she had been taught that to be needed by a man, and to afford unquestioning subservience in return, was the ultimate achievement.
Even though a sexual revolution had been spreading in restive waves across the Atlantic at the time, her inexperience and cultural background had been stronger forces than any cry for emancipation.
Adara recognized that, to Sully, she mattered as a person not just as a woman. She meant more to him than the fleeting gratification her body could offer, or merely a dependable support system should he falter on his own road.
He was humming something light and soft. The rise and fall of his chest assured her of his presence. He, unlike Gillean, wasn’t going anywhere. Sully had no place to rush off to, nobody else to please. He was there for her, and wanted to be.
“What a lovely melody. Does it have words?” she asked.
“Take your leave of me, carefully. Remember my heart is on your sleeve. Take your leave of me, carefully, Remember you could break me,” he sang softly.
His voice was unlike Gillean’s, but it could carry an Irish air with all its lilts and complexity. She was touched by the innocence she heard, not only in the words but in his expression. The time she spent with Sully gave her the strangest sense of being with a man who had never fully relinquished his childhood. He was not childish, more like he still possessed a childlike wonder of the world.
Gillean had once sung about the sea and the sky—as a poet sharing his dreams and vision. Reaping the earthly delights that had come with commercial success, his talents had sent him crashing back to earth—as a man, older and jaded.
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