by Beth Ehemann
“I don’t understand—how long have you known?” I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on the table.
“A couple weeks. I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure, and I for sure didn’t want to tell you like this, but . . . surprise!” She lifted her shoulders and gave me a big grin, her eyes sparkling.
I tilted my head to the side and raised one eyebrow. “Until you were sure? So there’s still a chance that you’re not?”
“Well . . . no. I have my eight-week appointment tomorrow, but I’ve took like seven tests and they were all positive, so I’m pretty certain.”
My head fell in my hands and I didn’t say any more.
“I was going to tell you as soon as I took the first one,” she continued, “then everything happened with Gam and your knee, and there just wasn’t a good time. I didn’t mean to keep it from you. Please talk to me.” Her hand reached out and tugged at my fingers. “What are you thinking?”
“What am I thinking?” I dropped my hands against the table again, louder this time. “I think this is horrible! I think this is the worst timing ever!”
“What? Why?” Her voice rose in shock.
“I don’t know if I want kids period, let alone right now!” I stood and started limping around the kitchen, ignoring the pain. “And now I don’t have a choice. You’re pregnant, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
Tears filled Michelle’s eyes as she jumped up from her chair and spun around to face me. “I can’t believe you’re saying all this. You didn’t know if you wanted kids? What do you think Matthew and Maura are? You think we’re just playing house for fun?”
“No, but they’re your kids, not mine! I don’t know if I wanted to father children of my own, but it’s too fucking late now. The decision has been made for me!” I roared, trying to catch my breath as I set my hands on the island and tensed my arms.
“How do you think I feel, Viper?” Michelle blurted out as tears ran down her cheeks. “I find out I’m pregnant, but because of the timing of everything else, I can’t even talk to you about it because all you do is hide out up in the bedroom! Even when you do finally come down here you’re grumpy and barely talk to me.”
“Yeah, I know exactly how you feel. Brody told me. Thanks for that, by the way,” I snapped.
“Thanks for what?” she glared at me. “Talking to your best friend and telling him I was worried about you? If you think I’m going to apologize for that, you’re dead wrong. I am worried about you. You don’t eat, you don’t talk to anyone, you barely get out of bed. I didn’t know what else to do!” Her voice trailed off as more tears fell from her eyes.
“Well, this sure adds another layer of topping to the situation, doesn’t it?” I hissed. “Did you tell Brody about this, too? Who else knows? Gam? Kacie? Jodi?”
“No one else knows,” she said softly, dabbing her eyes again. “I wanted to tell you before anyone else.”
“Well, now I know, so you might as well sing it from the rooftops.” I stood up straight and threw my hands in the air. “Viper is getting screwed again!”
Michelle narrowed her eyes at me and took a couple steps closer, shaking her head. “I can’t believe you’re acting like this. I seriously can’t. Ya know, if you don’t want to stick around, don’t. I can handle being a single mom. I’ve done it before.”
“Yeah,” I scoffed. “For all of five minutes.”
Her hand landed hard against the side of my face. “How dare you say something to me like that? Get out! Get out right now!” Sobs fell from her mouth uncontrollably as she put her shaky hands over her eyes.
“Momma?” Maura walked up to her and pulled on her pants. “Momma okay?”
My face stung and my head throbbed.
I wanted to bend down and scoop Maura up and tell her that her mommy was fine. I wanted to put my arms around Michelle and tell her that everything would work out. I wanted to go back in time twenty minutes and not react the way I had. I wanted to go back in time even further and not answer her fucking phone in the first place.
But it happened. It had all happened, and there was no way to make it go away.
So instead I did the one thing I knew how to do best.
I left.
I slumped down into the kitchen chair and pulled Maura onto my lap.
“Momma okay?” she asked for the third time, staring up at me with big eyes.
I sniffed and gave her my best fake smile as I tucked a wild curl behind her ear. “Yes, baby. Mommy’s okay.”
But I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t even a little okay. The last twenty minutes had gone so horrifically wrong that my head was spinning and I felt sick to my stomach. I swallowed the puke that was attempting to climb up my throat, determined to keep it together for Maura. She’d already seen, and heard, way more than I ever wanted her to, and having another meltdown was not an option. She put her head against my chest and we rocked back and forth slowly.
My hands shook as I picked up my phone and sent Taylor a text.
Hey, I’m not feeling great. Is there any way you can grab Matthew from school for me and let him play at your apartment for a bit?
My whole body tingled with adrenaline and fear. Adrenaline from the confrontation with Viper. In the whole year we’d been together, we’d never had a fight like that. Not even close. And fear for my future. Fear for Matthew’s and Maura’s futures. Fear for the future of the tiny baby inside of me who I already loved just as much as the other two, even though he or she was only about the size of a kidney bean.
Could I do it alone if I had to?
Yes.
Did I want to?
No.
When I’d first taken the pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago and saw those two pink lines, I had a little freak-out of my own. Sitting alone in the bathroom, on the edge of the tub, I panicked.
What would Viper think?
What would he say?
Am I ready for three kids under the age of six?
But . . . as quickly as the panic came, it left. Common sense crashed over my anxiety like a wave over a match, and I started to think about my life, but more importantly—my boyfriend. On the outside, Viper was all tattoos, trucker mouth, and a razor-sharp edge, but on the inside, he was caring and sweet and loved harder than almost anyone I’d ever met. In that moment, I knew everything would be just fine.
And now, just a couple weeks later, I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
My phone beeped loudly, scaring me half to death.
Maura flinched, too, then immediately relaxed again, and I could tell by the weight of her body that she was asleep. Holding her head against me, I carefully stood and carried her over to the couch. I laid her down, pulled the blanket over her shoulders, and kissed her soft cheek.
I sat on the other end of the couch and checked my phone. I’d said a quick little prayer as I walked Maura over that hopefully it was Viper and he’d cooled down and was going to come home so we could talk . . . but it wasn’t him.
Taylor: Hey! Sorry, I was in the shower. Sure! I can totally grab him. I don’t work until 6, so I can drop him off before then?
That’s perfect! Thanks so much!
Taylor: No problem! Feel better!
Not likely.
Taylor had no idea I was pregnant, and to be honest, I was nervous to tell her. She’d been so helpful with Matthew and Maura since her big brother’s death, and she supported my relationship with Viper completely, but having a baby with another man was an entirely different story. Unless I was going to be having a baby without that man.
My mind drifted back to Viper and my eyes welled up with tears at the thought of all the moments that wouldn’t happen the way I thought they would. Viper and his goofy smile when he saw his baby on the monitor for the first time during an ultrasound. Him rubbing my protruding belly and pampering me in a way that only Viper knew how. The look on his face as he watched his son or daughter enter the world . . . then cut the cord. And the moment
I was looking forward to probably more than any other: the first time he fell asleep with our baby sleeping on his chest. In my head, I already knew where I was going to put that picture in the house, and now that picture might never even be taken.
I curled up in a ball and lay down, letting the tears flow freely down my cheeks and drop onto the couch until I fell asleep.
The doorbell rang over and over and over, pulling me straight out of a deep sleep. I sat up in a hurry, not really sure where I was or what time it was. I blinked hard and looked around the room, waiting for my eyes to focus and relay the information to my brain. Maura was still asleep on the couch, but the loud doorbell made her roll over and moan.
Maybe it’s Viper.
My heart sprang into my throat as I stood and hurried to the front door. I rounded the corner and tried not to look disappointed when I saw Matthew’s grinning face looking back at me through the glass. I wasn’t sad that it was him, but I was sad that it wasn’t Viper.
“Hey!” I greeted as I pulled the door back.
Without even a hello, Matthew sprinted past me toward the back of the house. My eyes followed him until he disappeared around the corner. “Wow. Hello to you, too.” I giggled and turned back to Taylor.
“I’m so sorry,” she rambled, shaking her head. “I tried to call and text, but you didn’t answer. I got called in to work early.”
“Oh my God. Taylor, I’m so sorry.” I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palm. “I totally crashed on the couch with Maura and didn’t even hear my phone ring.”
“I called Viper, but he didn’t answer either.” She handed me Matthew’s coat and backpack.
“You called him?”
She nodded.
“Did you leave a message?”
“Yeah.” She shrugged.
“What did you say?”
Her eyes scanned the room quickly and then returned to mine. “I just said that I couldn’t get a hold of you but that I needed to drop Matthew off early. Could he tell you to call me. Why?”
“I was just curious.” I shoved my hands in my back pockets and tried to act normal.
Taylor knew better. She narrowed her eyes at me and slowly turned her head, just a little. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” I lied. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. I can see it. Something’s up. Are you okay?”
My chin started to quiver and I felt myself losing control again. Keeping my composure was next to impossible when I was already upset and someone asked if I was okay. It was permission to my brain to open the floodgates and let it all back out, no matter how hard I tried to keep it in.
“No, you’re not okay,” she continued, her expression softening as she stepped forward. “What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing.” I waved, offering up another fake smile. “Really. I promise.”
She put her hands on my shoulders and stared me straight in the eye. “Nothing doesn’t make your chin quiver and nothing doesn’t bring tears to your eyes. Tell me.”
“Viper and I got into a fight—a big fight—and I told him to leave.” I struggled to get the words out and keep my sob in.
“I don’t understand.” She dropped her hands and shook her head slowly as her eyes searched my face. “You two never fight. What was it about?”
I wrapped my arms around myself to hide my shaking hands. “Uh . . . well . . . he found out I’m pregnant, and the news didn’t go as well as I was hoping.”
Her mouth fell open. “You’re pregnant?”
I swallowed hard and nodded.
“Congratulations!” she cheered and pulled me in for a hug. “I know you’re sad right now and we’ll get back to that, but I’m so happy for you and about this, so I just have to hug you first.”
Her reaction made me feel a thousand times better, but also made my cry harder. We stood in the foyer, her arms wrapped around me, as I sobbed and sobbed against her shoulder. After what felt like an hour, I pulled back and turned toward the powder room. I pulled a handful of tissues from the box and blew my nose. Then I grabbed another handful and wiped my eyes before returning to Taylor.
“Sorry about that.” I tried wiping my tears from her shirt but they’d already soaked in.
“Oh God, I don’t care about my shirt. I’m worried about you.”
She watched me like a hawk as I dabbed at my eyes again. It didn’t seem to matter what I did, the tears would not stop coming.
“Hang on one second, okay?” she said as she pulled her phone from her back pocket and stepped into the living room.
I walked to the back of the house to check on Matthew, hoping my meltdown hadn’t totally freaked him out. He was sitting on the couch, quietly playing a game on his Kindle as Maura leaned her head against his shoulder and watched him.
“Okay.” Taylor walked up behind me. “I called in.”
I spun to face her. “What? No! Don’t do that. I’m fine . . . I promise.”
“I’m sure you are,” she agreed. “But I’m going to help you out around here tonight just in case. We’re gonna feed these kiddos dinner in a while, tuck them into bed, and you’re going to fill me in on everything, got it?”
I nodded. “Thanks, Tay.”
“Anytime.” She gave me a tight smile and sat with the kids on the couch.
I looked past her into the kitchen and my eyes focused on Viper’s pill bottle on the island. As angry as I was at him for his reaction, I didn’t want him to be in pain all night. I picked up the bottle and read the label closely. “Every four hours . . .” I mumbled to myself as I glanced at the clock on the stove. He’d already been gone for almost five.
I won’t stop worrying all night if I don’t make sure.
I took out my phone and sent him a quick text.
Do you need your pain meds tonight?
My heart raced as I stared at the screen, waiting for his reply. I was mad as hell for the way he’d treated me, but that didn’t mean my feelings walked out the door with him. I still loved him a lot. More than anything, I wanted him to text and say that he needed the meds and would come back for them, then maybe stay and talk to me.
My phone lit up and I swiped the screen.
Viper: No
Gutted by his one-word text, I put my phone away and turned my attention back to Matthew and Maura. I’d spent most of the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, but I still had a few hours left before they went to bed to make up for it.
While Matthew and I played Candyland and Maura “helped,” Taylor nosed around my mostly empty kitchen to try and find something to make for dinner. It was no secret that cooking was just not my thing, even after Viper spent a year trying to teach me, so when she offered to whip something up, I didn’t argue.
Just as our third game was finishing, Taylor called us to the table.
“How did you do this?” My eyes took in everything she’d made in less than half an hour. There was a huge bowl of alfredo pasta with shredded chicken, a giant bowl of broccoli, and biscuits that were still steaming from the oven.
Taylor looked at the table and shrugged. “It really wasn’t hard.” Her eyes lifted to me and she giggled. “Close your mouth and sit down. You just need to practice. You’ll get it.”
I watched in awe as Matthew and Maura shoved bite after bite of noodles, chicken, and broccoli in their mouths without me begging them to eat. My appetite wasn’t near as large as theirs, but I ate a little and pushed the rest around my plate while we all talked.
After dinner, I gave the kids each a quick bath and dressed them in clean, cozy pajamas. I tucked them into bed and went back to the kitchen, surprised and relieved to find Taylor already had the table cleared off and dishwasher running.
“Wow.” I shook my head as I gawked at my sparkling kitchen. “I swear you were a mom of twelve in a past life.”
She let out a loud laugh as she pulled her hair wavy blonde hair up into a ponytail. “Well, let’s get this started. I’m proba
bly going to want to stab him in the eye, but I want to hear what happened anyway. Let’s pour some wine—wait—pour me some wine and lay it all out.”
We sat on the couch for a long time, and I told her everything. About how Viper had been acting since his injury, the phone call and his reaction to the news—every single depressing word. I was able to hold it together just enough to get the story out, even though my voice shook. She sat stunned, her mouth hanging open and her blue eyes as wide as I’d ever seen them.
“I don’t even know what to say,” she finally responded.
I exhaled loudly. “So . . . that’s why I called and asked you to get Matthew, because it had just happened and I was too upset to drive.”
She scooted closer to me and took my hand in hers. “You should have just told me then. Not only would I never judge you, I would’ve been here hours earlier to help.”
“I know that, but to be honest, I was nervous to tell you that I was pregnant, and I feel horrible about it now.”
“Why were you nervous?” she asked softly.
I shrugged. “I was married to your brother, made a life with your brother, had babies with your brother.”
“You were, but your relationship didn’t end because you or him stopped loving each other and gave up. He died. It’s horrible and sad, and I think about him every day, but he died. You didn’t. Life goes on, and you’re allowed to fall in love and make a new life that was just as great as the one you had with him.” She gave me a tight-lipped smile, then added, “And even though I’m not going to be blood related to this baby, you bet your ass I’m still going to be cool Auntie Tay and spoil the crap out of him or her.”
A small laugh broke through my sadness. “How is it that you’re younger than me, never been married, yet you seem to have it all figured out?”
“Ah.” She waved her hand and sat back against the couch. “My head is still in the clouds with Isaac, and I still want everyone to be in love all the time. I’m sure it’ll wear off eventually.”